Mission: Almost Impossible
by wolfgirl16
Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on the most mundane missions you could imagine.
1. I Need Some Lavender Scented Candles

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story, a handful of characters, and the licensing rights of pineapples. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on the most mundane missions you could imagine.

**IMPORTANT**: As of April 14, 2013, this chapter has been revised to be more polished grammatically and overall, more comedic! Please enjoy. :)

* * *

Chapter 1: I Need Some Lavender Scented Candles

* * *

President Graham's head nodded mindlessly as he listened to his mother drone on and on about things she apparently thought were important, such as the economic crisis and other national issues. He honestly wasn't paying attention and wished she would just shut up. He loved his mother dearly, but listening to her nag made him want to bash his head into the desk, especially involving things that had no relevance to him. It wasn't as if he was the leader of the country or anything.

"Mommy, I need to go!" He cried suddenly. "Some guys just kidnapped me and are holding me for ransom! Bye!"

"But-"

He immediately hung up, exhaling in relief. "I need a bath..." He stood up. "Let's see...Where are my candles?"

He began searching for his dearly-beloved candles and as he did so, he tripped over a box laying randomly on the floor. "Oh, God damn it, that hurt! What the hell?" He peeked at the object that tripped him and smiled. "Oh, there they are."

The box was then opened, revealing all of the various candles. Cherry, blueberry, lemon, vanilla, Frankenberry, soap, hot dog, and lavender all lay in the box, unused. Upon further inspection, the lavender-scented candles weren't present and at this revelation, Graham nearly had a heart attack.

"W-Where?! What?! WHY?!" His first instinct was to call 911, but the operator hung up on him as soon as he tried to explain through heavy sobs that someone had stolen his lavender-scented candles. But after that, his eyes suddenly narrowed as a name popped into his head, the name of the person most likely responsible for such an atrocity. "Grr...ASHLEY!"

Footsteps were heard running down the hall and the President's daughter appeared in the doorway, looking nervous. She squeaked out, "Yes, Daddy?" as she let herself in.

"Ashley, did you kidnap my lavender-scented candles?! If you did, I'll have to put you up for adoption like I did the last time! You know those joints are my FAVORITE. Like, my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE. I would KILL YOU in the name of lavender-scented candles. That's how much I love them."

"No, Daddy, I didn't."

Ashley was visibly startled when her father shouted at her, "YOU'RE LYING TO ME. YOU'RE GROUNDED."

"Daddy, I'm twenty! You can't ground me! Besides, I'm not lying to you!"

"YES, YOU ARE, AND I'LL PUT YOU UP FOR ADOPTION FOR IT. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO BE PUT UP FOR ADOPTION AGAIN?"

Ashley gave a heavy sigh. "No, Daddy, but I swear to you that I didn't use them."

"Then maybe..." Graham gasped. "Jaws?! Oh, my God, if the dog ate them, I'm going to put HIM up for adoption! No, I couldn't...I love him too much."

Frowning at her father's words, the blonde replied, "Daddy, you know Jaws has been locked in the torture chamber all day for biting Uncle Fred in the-"

"Don't remind me of my poor brother's new lack of light saber!" President Graham whimpered, then sighed himself. "Go get Leon and Krauser for me, would you, dear?"

"Yes, Daddy." Ashley left the Oval Office to began her search for the two agents. It didn't take her long to find them, seeing as she could easily guess where they were.

* * *

Unbeknownst to those who weren't employed at the White House, there was a multitude of different rooms that seemed odd or unnecessary, like the cardboard box room or the junk food room; even the game room, stockpiled with all the latest handheld systems and consoles and almost every game released for them was lined neatly on numerous shelves. Graham insisted these rooms were vital additions to the White House, and who was to argue with the President?

In the game room, Leon was lounging on the couch, playing a game on his outdated PSP with one leg draped over the arm while the other was slung over the back. Krauser was sleeping soundly in one of the multi-colored beanbag chairs, snoring like a monster truck and slowly sinking into the chair as though it were swallowing him.

Ashley stood in the doorway and knocked on the open door to get the agents' attention. "Uh...Leon, Krauser?"

"Go away, Ashley. I'm on the eighty-ninth level of Kill Kill Revolution and I'll go on a killing spree if anyone stops me from getting to the one-hundredth level," Leon mumbled, not bothering to look up from his game.

"My father wants to see you guys right away and if you don't come, HE'S gonna go on a killing spree."

Leon paused, both figuratively and literally: as he stopped to think, he paused his game. His boss going on a killing spree would be rather bad, especially when he and Krauser would most likely be the first two victims, innocent or not.

Deciding he wanted to live, he said, "Okay, hold on. Let me save my game." Afterwards, Leon threw the gaming device at Krauser, smacking him square in the head with it. "Krauser! Wake up, you asshole!"

Krauser's eyes snapped open and he glanced about the room in a dazed fashion, wondering what the hell had just hit him. "Huh...? Wha...? Are we under attack...?"

"The President wants to see us. Come on." Leon got up from the couch.

"Oh, what did we do NOW?" The commando groaned as he tried to get up, but was unable to because he had sunken so deep into the beanbag. He flailed his arms and legs to free himself, but it was no use. Realizing he couldn't get out, he began to scream like a little girl. "Oh, my God! Help! Help me! It's eating me ALIIIIVE!"

Leon snickered as he watched the elder man.

Krauser, shocked by his fellow agent's cruelty, yelled, "It's not funny, damn it! Help me or I'll eat YOU!"

The brunette frowned, trying to figure out how Krauser could possibly do that, then decided he'd rather not find out the hard way and walked over the beanbag to help his comrade out. "Krauser, gimme your hand." He offered one of his hands, which Krauser eagerly accepted.

"Help me!" The older agent dry sobbed. "Oh, Jesus, I can feel it digesting me already!"

"Krauser!"

"What?!"

"You're out of the chair now!"

Quieting his sobs, Krauser looked around. He was standing upright, out of the damned beanbag chair. He let out a whimper of joy as he wrapped his arms around Leon. "Oh, my God, I'm alive!"

"Will you guys hurry up?!" Ashley growled. "We don't have all day and lives may be at stake! Don't you care?!"

"Fine, kid! God DAMN," Krauser muttered before letting go of Leon and the two agents followed Ashley to the Oval Office, where the President was sitting at his desk, hugging his candlebox to his chest and dry sobbing like there was no tomorrow. He was even in the processing of dialling 911 again.

"Daddy, I found Leon and Krauser," the girl announced, sounding a little awkward as she watched her father's breakdown.

President Graham opened his eyes, staring at them for a few seconds before he quickly chucked the box over into a corner, hitting a picture with it by mistake and causing the frame to shatter on the floor next to the box. He straightened himself up and cleared his throat in a failed attempt at looking composed. Nodding, he said, "Thank you, Ashley. You can go now."

"Thank you, God," Ashley murmured upon leaving.

"What did you want to see us for, Mr. President?" Leon asked. "It must be pretty important if you were thinking about going on a killing spree. At least I HOPE it's something important."

Graham pointed at them with a pen. "I have a mission for you two. I'm not sure if you'll come back alive or not, but...I do have faith in you. Sort of. I think, I dunno."

Krauser bit his lip. "What do we gotta do? Will it hurt?"

"I want you to..."

* * *

Both agents stood before the electronic doors of Wal-Mart, the older of the two appearing extremely pissed while the other wore a blank expression.

Krauser growled, trying to keep himself from screaming like a wild animal. "I can't believe this! What kind of freaking stupid mission is this?! Buying stupid scented candles at the stupid Wal-Mart just because the stupid President lost his stupid candles and he's too stupid to go to the stupid Wal-Mart himself and buy the stupid candles himself so then he can-!"

"Okay, Krauser! Do a monolog, why don't ya?!" The brunette sighed before returning his gaze to the Wal-Mart sign above the doors. "Well, at least we know we'll be going home to see our families again after this."

"I HAVE no family! You always remind me about that! Stop it!"

"Sorry. Uh...Here." Leon dug around in his pockets for loose change, handing over whatever he had to Krauser. "Now go somewhere. Remember, don't play in the parking lot."

The blond waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, I know. 'Don't play in the parking lot or you'll get hit by an airplane.'"

"Truck."

"Whatever the hell you find and get mangled by in a parking lot!"

"Just go play with the vending machines or something!" Leon added, "And hit me up on the radio in case something happens, but if you tell me you played in the parking lot and got hit by something, I'm not gonna help you. I'm just gonna laugh."

"Gee, I love you, too, Leon," The commando said sarcastically before heading over to the vending machines.

Leon inhaled deeply, preparing himself to enter the store. "I'm going in! Krauser, cover me!"

Krauser, not listening, once more waved the younger agent off and put some change into the machine and selected a soda.

Screaming wildly, the brunette ran through the automatic doors as they parted for him like the Red Sea. He screeched to a halt when he was inside, nearly toppling over a stack of canned tuna. "Ah...I made it..." He took out his radio and buzzed Krauser. "Krauser, this is Leon. Can you hear me? Krauser?"

"Yeah, I hear ya," Krauser replied lazily.

"Everything looks clear, so you can-" A noise interrupted him, a noise which reminded him of glass shattering, then there came a car alarm in the distance.

"Yes! Bull's eye!"

"Krauser, what the hell are you doing?"

"Uh...pilates?"

"Actually, ya know what? I'm afraid to hear what you're really up to, so I'll nod my head even though you can't see and pretend I believe you. So, are you coming in?"

"In a minute. I'm gonna see how long I can ride one of those mechanical horses when I shove all the quarters in the slot at once."

"Fine then! I don't need you, Krauser! I hope you ride it! I hope you ride it HARD!" Leon shoved the walkie-talkie back into his pocket, glancing about him when he noticed all the stares he was getting. Thinking back on it, that last spiteful comment did sound a bit...crude. Chuckling sheepishly, he excused himself and slipped over to the aisle that housed the scented goods.

The search for lavender-scented candles proved to be harder than anticipated when Leon spent the next half hour looking over every shelf on that aisle, the lavender-scented objects nowhere in sight or smell.

"Damn it!" He grumbled.

* * *

A long line of parents and impatient children gathered at the mechanical horse, which Krauser was still riding. With the change Leon had given him and all that he had stolen from the vending machine after he grew bored of throwing unopened soda cans at cars, he would probably be on the horse for another twenty minutes or so.

"I am SO bored," The agent complained to himself. "And my ass is SO numb from sitting here."

"Then get off!" One of the fathers shouted at him.

"YOU get off!"

"Mommy, tell that man to get off!" the little girl at the front of the line whined to her mother.

The girl's mother, looking desperate, asked Krauser, "Sir, would you please get off that horse so my daughter can get on?"

"Up yours, lady!" he snapped. "This is America! I can plant my fat ass on any horse I please! Unless this thing stops in the next five seconds, my ass is NOT leaving this spot!"

"Don't yell at my mommy!" the little girl snapped back.

"Child, don't talk to me. I'm too sexy for your association. Recognize."

"You're not sexy! You're no Justin Bieber! Your face is covered in yucky scars!" Her expression turned dreamy and she clasped her hands together, resting her cheek on them. "Justin Bieber..."

"Geez, girly, don't jizz in your pants." Krauser then glared at her. "You wanna take this outside? You wanna go at it?!"

"We ARE outside, mister!"

"Well...uh..." Krauser took a moment to think up a good comeback. He smirked as soon as a good one came to mind. He retorted with, "Justin Bieber likes it Brokeback Mountain style!" even though the little girl was too young to understand what that meant.

The child's mother gasped, then slapped Krauser across the face. "How DARE you talk to my daughter that way! She's just a little girl!" She grabbed her daughter's hand and led her away. "Come on, sweetie. We're going to the Wal-Mart down the road."

The little girl gazed at Krauser over her shoulder and stuck her tongue out at him, ending in him mimicking her. She then looked up at her mother and asked what it meant to like it 'Brokeback Mountain style,' to which her mother reacted by slapping her in the face and telling her she was going to be baptized the next day to purify her mind and her mouth.

* * *

Screaming in frustration and beating the floor with his fists, Leon had given up. He no longer cared about all the weird looks he was getting. He just wanted to find some damn lavender-scented candles and go home. Grumbling to himself, he stood and headed for the exit.

"I'm going to Target!" he declared. "Stupid Wal-Mart has EVERYTHING except for stupid lavender-scented candles! That is bullshit!"

A girlish shriek left his throat as he slipped on a wet spot and hit the floor face first. Groaning, he sat up, rubbing his sore face and dabbing his fingers under his nose to see if there was any blood.

"Sorry, sir," an employee holding a mop and wet-floor sign apologized, embarrassed. "I was just about to put down the sign."

With a crazed, feral growl, Leon ripped the mop from the man's grip and smacked him upside the head with it, knocking him to the floor. "This is what you get for not having lavendar-scented candles!" He made to leave, but once again he slipped on the wet floor and fell. "Oh, God damn it!"

* * *

Krauser was still riding on the mechanical horse by the time Leon managed to leave the store, looking bored and nonchalantly sipping a soda. The line had long dispersed, seeing as Krauser was probably going to be riding on the damn horse for the rest of the afternoon.

The brunnette agent quirked a brow as he approached the other agent. "Krauser, are you still riding that dumb horse? How long has it been? Ten minutes? Maybe eleven?"

"An hour," Krauser replied. "You've been in there a LONG time, Leon."

"Well, get off. We're going to Target. They don't have the President's candles here."

Krauser scoffed. "I could have told you that," he stated as he climbed off the horse, which was still in motion. "Ugh, my ass is so numb from just sitting here for so long."

Leon stared blankly at the scarred agent, not moving, not speaking. Slowly, he raised his hands to clutch at the collar of Krauser's shirt and he asked, shaking with irritation, "Why...the HELL...didn't you tell me this before?"

"Well, you never asked," Krauser said bluntly. The next thing he knew, he was on the ground with a sore cheek.

"Come on, Krauser." Leon shook his aching fist.

They both had to walk only a few feet because Target was situated right next to Wal-Mart.

"Isn't that convenient? Target right next to Wal-Mart?" Krauser asked, but Leon ignored him.

The men walked into the store cautiously, acting as though something was going to attack them at any moment. From previous experience, the idea didn't seem too far-fetched.

Krauser glanced at his companion. "Leon, let's split up."

Leon nodded and wandered off to search one half of the store while Krauser rifled through the other.

They hadn't parted ways for long when Leon's radio crackled to life with Krauser's voice."Leon, I found them!" He cried in triumph.

"Are you sure they're lavender-scented?"

"Jesus, Leon, what else would they be?!"

The brunette threw a knowing look at his radio despite Krauser being unable to see it. He knew the commando's track record better than anyone else and, well, his reliability wasn't exactly the best. "You're sure they're the ones?"

"Yes, Leon!"

"Are you absolutely positive they-"

"Yes, I'm damn sure they're what the President wants! Now meet me at the cash register!"

Leon nodded. "Roger. Can do."

"It's Jack! Or Krauser. Whichever way you want to slice it."

* * *

Krauser was already in line, tapping his foot impatiently for Leon. He hadn't been waiting long, but he was so absorbed in it that he didn't even notice Leon standing right next to him. When Leon finally spoke up, Krauser was startled by his sudden presence.

"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN," the commando shouted at the smirking agent, who also appeared slightly battered in the face.

Leon asked, "How long have you been waiting here?"

"Um..." Krauser took a quick glance at his phone. "Almost ten minutes. You should've been here sooner than that! What were you doing in the meantime?"

"Nothing...I was just...staring at women's cans."

"Oh, brother..." Krauser shook his head even though they both knew well enough that the elder agent was not above that.

"But, Krauser, you don't understand! This lady, she was getting a bunch of cans labelled in a language I couldn't figure out! They were HUGE and I just...I was staring at her cans, trying to decode this alien language and she got pissed off at me because she thought I was staring at her _cans_ and she reached into her cart and slapped me in the face with a handful of her cans." As if to _slightly_ change the subject, Leon pointed at the cart of the old woman currently at the register. "God, that old lady has so many cans! And other things. Do you think she's related to Bill Gates? She'd have to be to afford all that."

Krauser snorted. "Nah, she looks more like she's related to that guy I hate."

"What guy?"

"You know. That guy. He thinks he's such a pretty boy and he thinks he's all that, but he's not. You don't even it get it, Leon. I mean, sometimes I just want to take a dump in this guy's coffee or something. And it has nothing to do with jealousy! Who'd be jealous of his...suave, pretty-boy looks? In fact, that guy, he's standing right beside me." Strangely, Krauser had become so engrossed in his rant that he completely forgot Leon was the one standing next to him and it was in fact Leon he was speaking about.

The pretty boy glared daggers at him. "Don't blame me for having a face that the ladies like."

"Well, you know what?!" Krauser started. "I have something that the ladies like a lot more than your stupid face! It's a lot better than your stupid face will ever be!"

"Oh, yeah?! What is it?"

"My di-"

In the nick of time, the cashier said "Next person in line, please," putting an end to what most likely would have turned out to be a ridiculous, obscene fight. Granted, the scarred agent was actually going to say, "di Calabria cologne."

Krauser dropped the candles onto the conveyer belt while Leon fished out his wallet and struck up conversation with the young cashier. "You won't believe the hell we went through just to get these stupid candles," he said.

The cashier giggled, "Well, that's life." Then her eyes went wide in recognition. "Oh, my God! I know who you are! You're that guy who was on TV with the President when he was giving a boring speech." She added with a flutter of her lashes, "I only watched it because of you."

Leon, flattered and uncomfortable, mumbled, "Uh...thank you, I think."

"I wouldn't normally do this, buuuut...You can have them on the house." She grew perplexed as the brunette agent burst into a bout of dry sobbing. "Um, sir...Are you...alright?"

"My wallet can't thank you enough..." the poor agent sobbed as he gathered up the candles and headed for the exit. "Let's go, Krauser..."

"Wait, I need to remove the security tags!" But she was too late and the alarms started to blare.

Assuming they were going to be arrested and being far too pretty for prison, Leon cried, "Run, Krauser!"

* * *

President Graham was sincere in his concern over the welfare of the two agents, but much to his delight, they returned at last, unscatched for the most part and with his precious lavender-scented candles.

"You made it! Excellent job, gentlemen!" Graham said as he took the candles from Leon. "Ah...My babies...I will sniff you now!" The instant he took a whiff of their glorious lavender scent, his eyes grew to the size of saucers and he chucked them across the room in disgust.

"What'd you do that for?!" Krauser growled.

"Where did you get those candles?!"

"Target...Why?'

Flailing around in what could only be described as a choleric epileptic fit, the President groused, "I wanted the ones from Pier 1, not from Target! The Pier 1 candles have a pure scent! Target is artificial and laced with a chemical undertone that makes angels die!"

Leon wasn't sure whether to be pissed about their mission gone futile or laugh at the President's expense. He chose to be pissed. "Well why didn't you tell us before?!"

"I thought you knew!" After calming down and sliding back into his chair, Graham sighed heavily. "I guess I'll have to send out Ashley to fix this..."

Throwing his hands up, the younger agent cried, "Do what you want! We're going back to the game room and we're not coming out for anything until it's time to go home!" Promptly, the two of them left to take their frustrations out on the ever classic Left 4 Bread, the best and only zombified-bread game in existence.

* * *

Wow. I have been meaning to update the older chapters for the longest time. Like, I already started rehashing this chapter long ago, but I kind of left it and forgot about it. I happened to find the file just a few hours ago, which was dated October of...2009! :O

I hope you guys enjoyed the new chapter one and stay alert for more fine tuning of the next chapters! :D


	2. Dog Food And Presents

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 2: Dog Food And Presents

* * *

Leon and Krauser tiredly walked to the back yard of the White House. President Graham asked them to meet him there ASP and since it was four in the morning, the two men had to drag themselves out of bed. In fact, they were so tired they almost had an accident driving to the White House.

When they made it outside, they saw President Graham in his pajamas.

"Mr. President, why are you in your PJs?" Leon asked, then shoved Krauser's head off his shoulder.

Krauser just landed on the ground, not even bothering to open his eyes, and snored slightly.

President Graham smiled. "I'm playing with Jaws."

"You know, I've never actually seen Jaws. Where is he?"

"Somewhere. Come here, Jaws!"

A dog came running up to the President. Leon couldn't see the dog well since it was still kind of dark, but when the dog was close enough, Leon could see why he was called Jaws.

"OH, MY GOD!" Leon took out his gun and aimed it at Jaws. "GET AWAY FROM HIM, MR. PRESIDENT!"

The President lovingly put his arms around the dog's neck. "Leon, Jaws would NEVER hurt me."

"Hell yeah, he would! Don't you know what he is!"

"Yeah he's a dog with a big mouth. Well, he's actually a wolf, but don't tell the vice president cuz he'll take Jaws away."

"He's a damn Colmillo! He's infected with the Las Plagas! He needs to be exterminated right now!"

"But look at his cute little face!" President Graham picked up Jaws and held him face-to-face with Leon.

The look on Jaws' face nearly scared the crap out of Leon. His teeth were bared as though he were going to bite Leon and he was salivating excessively with his golden eyes flaring with what seemed like either hate or the urge to go to the bathroom really bad.

Leon took a step back and pointed at the Colmillo. "That face isn't cute! It's damn scary!" (A/N: I remember the first time I saw the face of one of those damn wolves. I had the rifle equipped along with the rifle scope and I did a super zoom up on a Colmillo's face. That face gave me nightmares.)

"Oh, come on. Just pet him."

Leon reached a shaking hand out to pet the creature's head, but the Colmillo took this as a chance to retaliate and tried to bite his hand off. Luckily, Leon pulled his hand back before Jaws could snap his mouth shut on his fingers.

Leon jumped back and pointed at the creature once more. "You see! That thing tried to bite me!"

"You scared him!"

"_Me_? Scare _him_? Mr. President, I think you've been smoking a little too much Puff the magic dragon, if you know what I mean."

"Leon, you know I have since last Thursday. Anyway, the reason I called you and Krauser out here is because I need you two to go to Pets Mart and get some dog food for Jaws and maybe a little present or two."

"Fine. Whatever." Leon knelt down and shook Krauser's shoulder. "Krauser, wake up. We need to go to Pets Mart."

Krauser sleepily slapped his hand away. "I don't wanna go to Pets Mart..."

"Well, you have to or I'll get Jaws to bite off the part that makes you a man."

"My hat?"

"No, dumbass! Your balls!"

Krauser gulped nervously and stood up. "When do we leave?"

Leon grabbed the collar of Krauser's shirt and pulled him towards the back door. "Right now."

* * *

"Krauser, which brand do you think we should get?" Leon asked as he looked at the bags of dog food on the shelf.

"Which is the most expensive?"

"Uh...They're all the same price."

"I know!" Krauser took out a bottle of white out and a marker out of his pocket and stood in front of a bag of Purina Puppy Chow. He opened the bottle of white out and marked out the word _Puppy_. After blowing on it to make it dry quicker, he took the cap off the marker and wrote the word _Wolf _on the spot that he whitened out. "This is what we buy."

Leon stared at the bag. "Purina Wolf Chow? Krauser, that's just plain stupid."

"Well, the President's stupid so maybe he won't notice."

"Good point. Now, what kind of "gifts" should we get for Jaws?"

"Definitely a chew toy. I'll go find one."

"And I'll go find a bathroom. I've been holding it in for the past twelve damn minutes."

The two men split up and search for what they had to search for.

Krauser searched down the aisles, looking for a chew toy big enough to satisfy the damn wolf. They seemed too small and would probably choke the Colmillo if it went down the wrong pipe.

Krauser smiled at the thought of that horrid creature choking to death on a squeaky rubber bone, running around and pawing at its neck, trying to dislodge the toy from its throat.

"I wish that would happen. After all, that horrible mutt is the reason I developed a hate for wolves." He sighed and hung his head. The President knew of Krauser's hate for Jaws and threaten him that if he tired anything funny, he'd be thrown in jail for false charges of child molestation, animal abuse, and Satanism.

His radio buzzed in his pocket as Leon said something he couldn't make out. He took it out of his pocket and cleared his throat a bit.

"I couldn't hear you, Leon. What?"

"I said, I finally finished in the bathroom! God, I should've had those spicy enchiladas before bed. My ass is SSSOOOO sore!" Leon said.

Krauser shuddered at the last comment.

Leon's voice suddenly got perky. "So, are you ready to go?"

"Yeah. God, I hope you washed you hands."

"Don't worry. I did. Now hurry up and get over to the cash register!"

"Whatever." Krauser put the radio back into his radio and prepared to leave, but remembered he still had to get Jaws a chew toy. He grabbed a few chew toys off the shelf and ran in the direction of the cash register.

When he got there, Leon was there, petting a cute little Scottish terrier puppy.

Krauser pointed at the dog. "Leon, whose dog is that?"

Leon shrugged. "I dunno. I just found him here."

"Leon, put him down! You don't know where he's been!"

"Yeah, I do. He's been right here."

"Grrr...Give me that thing!" Krauser grabbed the puppy, walked outside the store, placed the puppy down, and when back inside. "Now we need to pay for this stuff so get out your wallet."

"Me! Why do I always have to pay!"

"Because you're an asshole!"

"I am not! I'm telling Ashley you said that!"

The cashier gasped and pointed at Leon. "Holy crap! I saw you on TV!"

Leon flipped his hair out of his eyes and gave a sexy smile. "So does that me I...get these items for free?"

The cashier smiled. "Nope."

"That's it!" Leon punched the cashier and ran towards the exit. "Run!"

"Wait for me!" Krauser cried as he ran after Leon.

* * *

Leon and Krauser ran into the Oval Office, panting like hot dogs.

"You got the stuff! Good work, gentlemen." President Graham said as he grabbed the stuff from them. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I need to feed Jaws and give him his new toys. Krauser, why don't you help me?"

Krauser shook his head. "No way!"

"Do it or I'll get Jaws to bite off your light saber!"

"Yes, sir!"

The President pushed the poor guy out the door as he hummed some retarded tune.

A few seconds later, barking and Krauser screaming were heard.

"Ha ha! Krauser got bit!" Leon laughed.

* * *

Yay! I finished the second chapter!


	3. The Drunk And The Annoyed

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 3: The Drunk And The Annoyed

* * *

Leon and Ashley sat in the game room, playing the Inuyasha version of Clue.

"Ooh!" Ashley gasped. "It was Sango in Naraku's castle with Miroku!"

Leon slapped his forehead. "No, Ashley. You have to say the name of the murder weapon, not the name of person the suspect likes."

"Oh, sorry. I'm a little rusty. I haven't played Clue in years. I meant to say it was Sango in Naraku's castle with the Tenseiga!"

"The Tenseiga is a sword that can't kill, stupid!"

"Leon, you know I've never seen that Inuyasha show before."

"...Oh."

Ashley picked up the lid of box and stared at the cover. "God, what an ugly woman."

"Ashley...that's Naraku."

"Well, Naraku's an ugly woman!"

"...Naraku is a man, Ashley."

"...Oh..." Ashley placed the box lid back on the table and acted as though she never said anything. "Your turn, Leon."

"I say it was Kagome in the Slayers' Village with the bow and arrow."

"No way it could be her. She's too pretty, see?" Ashley pointed at, who she thought was Kagome, on the box lid.

"...That's Sesshomaru, Ashley. He's a man."

Ashley stared wide eyed at the box. "Fine then! Now I'm just gonna assume anyone who has hair that goes past their ass is a man!"

Leon pointed at Miroku. "Except for the guy in black and purple."

"Alright, my turn. I think it was Naraku in the nest of the Birds of Paradise with the Tetsusaiga."

Leon started laughing at Ashley. "You idiot! The Tetsusaiga can only be wielded by either a human or a half demon!"

"So?"

"Naraku's a demon!"

"Fine then! I quit! The next time we play Clue, we're playing the Final Fantasy version!" Ashley left the room, fuming.

Krauser had been standing next to the door when Ashley stomped out. He gave her an awkward glance and walked inside.

"What's up with the kid?" He asked.

"Oh, she's just acting like she's having her time of the month just because she forgot how to play Clue and she's never watched Inuyasha before."

"Oh."

Leon noticed that Krauser was holding two beer bottle in his hands. "You gonna share?"

Krauser held the bottles protectively against his chest. "Mine!"

"Fine then! Go get F-ed in the A for all I care!"

"You know what, Leon? The weirdest thing just happened. I looked in the President's fridge to see if there was anything good to eat and it was empty. It was scary."

"That means President Graham has forgotten to do his grocery shopping." Leon sighed. "Come on, Krauser. Let's go to the store."

"Okay! I'm driving!"

Leon's expression grew frighten when he remembered Krauser was currently drinking. "Hell, no!" He grabbed Krauser by the wrist and pulled him along.

* * *

"What should we buy, Leon?" Krauser asked, his words slightly slurred.

"I don't...Di-Did you just take those beer cans off the shelf and shove him down your pants?"

Krauser looked down at the huge, deformed bulge in his pants. "Uh...No..." He turned around so Leon wouldn't ask again.

Leon's eyes widened when he saw another huge, deformed bulge in the back of Krauser's pants.

"Put them back." He said sternly.

"No way! Kiss my...my...my..."

"Ass?"

"Don't call me an ass!" Krauser slapped Leon and staggered drunkenly down the aisle, nearly tripping over nothing many times while the beer cans ripped his pants and fell out.

"That poor ass..." Leon said as he held his red cheek. "Now let's see what all we can buy...What the hell! $10.45 for a carton of milk! They raised the damn price by five bucks!"

"Whee!" Krauser's yell of excitement echoed through the store.

"Huh?" Leon turned his head to the sound.

A cart flew by with Krauser pushing it as fast as his drunk legs would carry him.

"Grrr...KRAUSER!"

The more experienced agent's words were ignored as Krauser let go of the cart and tripped. The cart crashed into a wall and something wet hit an electrical outlet while something was plugged into it. Smoke and sparks erupted from the outlet, then s large fire burst upwards.

Leon knew that the liquid that hit the outlet had to have been alcohol or else the flames wouldn't be so big.

"Fire on aisle four." Some guy said over the PA. "I mean, everybody run for your lives!"

People began screaming and running out of the store.

Leon pulled Krauser up on his feet. "Come on, Krauser! We have to leave!"

Krauser pulled his arm out of the younger man's grasp. "Leave me alone, Mommy! I can cross the street by myself!"

"Uh...Okay..."

The poor, drunk fool walked over to the nearest fire extinguisher and somehow put the fire out in his state of drunkenness.

"Okay, now we can go." Krauser began to stagger to the front doors.

"Wait for me, you damn, drunk fool!" Leon cried as he cashed after Krauser.

Outside, there were news reporters and fire trucks and, for some reason, a few mimes.

"Oh! There's the two men who stopped the fire!" One of the news reporters cried as she ran over to the two men, followed by the camera man. "Men, you just stopped the store from being burnt to the ground. What are you going to do now?"

Krauser slung his arm around Leon's shoulders. "We're going to Escalator Land!"

Leon sighed. "Forgive him. He's drunk."

Krauser suddenly passed out, landing on the ground with a loud thud.

"Is he gonna be okay?" The news reporter asked.

"I don't know and frankly, I don't care." Leon began walking away. "I'm going to the grocery store down the road."

* * *

"Uh..." Krauser groaned as he held a hand to his throbbing head. "What happened? Where am I?"

He looked at his surrounds. He appeared to be in the sick room in the White House. (A/N: I bet the White House has about a million rooms the President just doesn't want you to know about, like the game room for example.)

"Krauser, you're awake."

"Huh?" Krauser looked to his side and saw Leon with his eyes closed, smiling down at him. "Leon? What happened? Why does my head hurt? Did I drink too much maple syrup again?"

"No, idiot. I think maybe the news will tell you."

"Huh?"

Leon turned on the TV and flicked to the news. He, Krauser, and some hot looking news reporter were on the screen.

"Men, you just stopped the store from being burnt to the ground. What are you going to do now?" The news reporter asked.

The Krauser on TV slung his arm around Leon's shoulders and said in slurred words, "We're going to Escalator Land!"

The TV Leon sighed. "Forgive him. He's drunk."

Suddenly, Krauser's TV doppelganger let go of Leon's shoulder and hit the ground with a loud thud.

"Is he gonna be okay?" The news reporter asked.

"I don't know and frankly, I don't care. I'm going to the grocery store down the road." The Leon on TV said as he walked away.

"I can't believe you left me there! Ow." Krauser yelled.

Leon held up his hands in defense. "I came back for you."

"That's no excuse! Ow." Krauser sat up, picked up his pillow, and began whacking Leon with it.

* * *

There ya go. The third chapter done. The fourth chapter will be AWESOME. You'll see very soon.


	4. InvisiWha?

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 4: Invisi-Wha?

* * *

Leon and Krauser stood in the secret gadget room of the White House, waiting for President Graham to arrive. He asked them personally to meet him there at noon. It was now 2:15 PM.

"When the hell is he gonna get here?" Leon asked, more to himself than to Krauser.

Suddenly, the door flew open and the President ran inside, panting like a dog.

"I'm...sorry I'm...late..." He said in between pants. He straightened up and fixed his hair and his tie, then cleared his throat. "Gentlemen, the reason I brought you here today was to show you my new invention."

"Sorry, Mr. President, but someone already created the golden baseball bat." Krauser said.

"Damn it! But that's not the invention! I'll show the bat to you later. Anyway, the invention I want to show you is-" President Graham grabbed the sheet covering the large car shaped object and pulled it off. "The Invisi-Car!"

"Invisi-Wha?" Leon and Krauser asked.

"Invisi-Car. Sure, you can see it now, but where you press that button on the dashboard that says _Invisi Mode_, the car turns invisible! It'll look like you're flying in a sit down position when you drive on the road!"

"So, why did you create it?" Krauser asked.

"You know what, I don't know."

Leon ran his hands over the car's black exterior. "It's beautiful...It looks just like my Dad's SUV with the flames on it, only bigger and has no flames."

The President held up the keys to the Invisi-Car. "Wanna take it out for a spin?"

"Hell ya!" Leon grabbed the keys and jumped inside the car. Well, he struggled a little bit to get inside since the Invisi-Car was tall. "Come on, Krauser! It's cool!"

"Yeah, hold on." Krauser shoved a hand in his pocket, the expression on his face said he needed to find something. He smiled when he found what he was looking for and took it out of his pocket. It was a pair of dark tinted sunglasses with a black frame. He put them on and got inside the Invisi-Car as well.

Leon put the key in the ignition and started the car. "So, you wanna do the honors or should I?"

"Go ahead, pretty boy."

Leon frowned at the "pretty boy" comment and pressed the _Invisi Mode _button.

The car instantly disappeared and left Krauser looking flabbergasted.

"Oh, my God! The car really DID turned invisible!" Krauser cried, looking around at the car that was supposed to be there, but wasn't. "It's like that movie about the guy who turned himself invisible in the name of science or something like that."

"Oh, you mean Hollow Man. Wasn't that a good movie?"

"No, it sucked!"

"Well, anyway, let's get outta here. Uh...how do we get out of here?"

"I'll take care of that." The President said, then opened up the garage door in front of the Invisi-Car. "Good luck out there!"

"Let's rock!" Leon cried, then stepped on the gas, but not really hard so that he and Krauser wouldn't be pushed back into their seats.

While Leon drove Krauser enjoyed the scenery and the looks on people's faces when they saw he and Leon were "flying" down the road.

After a while though, Krauser drifted off, snoring slightly as he leaned back in his seat with his head tilted to the side.

"Hey, Krauser? You awake?" Leon whispered. "Krauser?"

Since Krauser was not responding, Leon did the only thing he could think of. At the next turn, Leon turned very sharply, causing Krauser to have his face smashed into his the window on his side of the car.

Little children who were on the sidewalk laughed at the way Krauser's face looked; his face all pressed against the window with his nose slightly flattened, one eye wide, the other half closed, and half of his mouth wide open with a few of his teeth pressed against the window.

"Ow..." Krauser groaned as he pulled himself away from the window and rubbed his face. "Why the hell did you do that!"

Leon smiled innocently. "I just wanted to see if you were awake."

"Well, I wasn't until you did that! I hope you burn in hell for that, pretty boy!"

"Stop calling me pretty boy! Only the woman can call me that."

"Fine, I'll call you play boy."

"Don't call me a play boy! I was never in Play Boy magazine, so don't call me play boy! Though, I was in one issue of Play Girl magazine after the incident at Raccoon City." (A/N: I have that issue! Hehehe...)

Krauser stared at the man in shocked with his mouth agape.

"I was desperate for money!"

"SURE you were..."

The theme song to Mission: Impossible began playing suddenly.

"Shit..." Leon said as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. "Yeah, what do you want?"

"Leon, it's President Graham."

"President Graham? What do you want?"

"Is the car ride going smoothly?"

"Yeah, it's going fine."

"Good."

"Hehehe...I made Krauser bang his head into the window."

"And that hurt like a bitch!" Krauser glared at Leon.

The President cleared his throat over the phone. "Now, Leon, the reason I called you is very important. I'm sending you guys on a mission."

"Not a mission!" Leon whined, wanting to bang his head on the steering wheel, but was afraid he'd drive both Krauser and himself off the road and into an innocent bystander.

"Yes, a mission. Your mission is...is..."

"Just tell me the damn mission already!"

"Okay, okay. Sheesh. Don't get your underwear in a knot. Anyway, your mission is you must go buy Ashley some tampons. She's out."

"Again? We just bought her some tampons last month and it had twenty in that box."

"If you do it, I'll give you both a raise."

Krauser's perked his head up. "He said raise! Step on it Leon!" He stepped on Leon's foot, which was on the gas, and nearly made the younger man crash into the car in front of them.

* * *

"Now, let's see, here." Krauser said as he counted all the quarters he had.

Both he and Leon were in the ladie's bathroom, standing in front of the tampon dispenser. Leon was holding a box filled with thirty tampons and Krauser was trying to compare prices to see if it was more expensive to just buy the box or go into the girls' room and get thirty tampons out of the machine.

"Oh, hurry up, Krauser! I don't wanna be in here!" Leon whined.

Krauser ignored him and pulled a calculator out of his pocket, then began pressing buttons. "Okay, so the box of tampons is $5.70 and that divided by thirty is nineteen. So that would mean nineteen cents a tampons and one tampon out of this machine is a quarter. Let's see...Twenty five times thirty is...seven hundred, fifty dollars...That means..." (A/N: I actually used math here. Aren't I smart?)

"It means we get the hell out of here and buy this damn box!" Leon cried, his brows furrowed.

"Okay, let's go!"

The two men paid for the tampons and quickly made their way to the parking lot, but there was one little problem, though. They forgot to take the car out of Invisi Mode before they parked!

"Krauser, where's the car?" Leon asked, a little bit of fear in his voice.

"Oh, my God! We just lost the coolest car ever!" Krauser dropped to his knees with his hands clutching his head. "NO!"

Some guy looking for a parking space found a nice spot a few feet away from Leon and Krauser. He went to park in the spot and fast as he could so no one else could take it, but his bumped into something with a loud crash before he could get into the spot.

"We just put ourselves into a life time of work..." Krauser wrapped his arms around himself and leaned forward until his forehead touched the asphalt, making sobbing sounds, yet his eyes were dry.

* * *

President Graham slowly paced back and forth in front of Leon and Krauser. They knew he would be mad and would probably kill them, so they made Ashley stand by the door with a video camera in hopes that the President wouldn't do anything drastic.

"Leon...Krauser..." The President began. "I trusted you with my sweet, wonderful Invisi-Car and THIS is how you repay me? By _forgetting _to take it out of Invisi Mode and _sadly _watching it getting hit by that damn hooligan?" He stopped in front of Leon and leaned forward of that his nose was nearly touching Leon's. "Do you realize how sick I became when I took the car out of Invisi Mode and saw all the damage done to the back? Nearly the whole bender was pushing into the car!"

Leon gulped nervously. "Um...I'm sorry?"

"Saying sorry won't help the Invisi-Car! Only the doctor can help..."

"Wait, you got a _doctor _to look at the car?" Krauser asked. "How can that help the Invisi-"

"Shut up, Krauser!"

Krauser instantly shut his mouth and continued to stand erect.

The doctor President Graham hired walked in. "Mr. President, I have some good news. Your car is all fixed and it looks better than ever."

"Really? Whoo-hoo!" The President jumped up and began dancing around, then realized what he was doing and stopped. "Thank you very much, doctor. Well, Krauser, Leon, it looks like I won't be firing you after all. Instead, I'll punish you by making you give Jaws a bath."

Leon and Krauser looked at each other and screamed.

* * *

If you thought this was funny, you'll think the next chapter will be even funnier.


	5. Crossing The Road

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 5: Crossing The Road

* * *

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, President Graham was playing with Jaws in the front yard of the White House while Leon kept watch for assassins.

"I love you, Jaws!" The President cried as he wrapped his arms around the wolf's neck.

The Colmillo returned the gesture by placing one paw on his shoulder and the other on his knee, licking his cheek.

_'So sweet...' _Leon thought as he watched the touching moment._ 'Yet so wrong...If only Graham knew what that creature really is, then maybe _it _would be sent away to become dog food or glue or something.'_

Krauser came running up to them, carrying a bag of groceries. When he stopped, he dropped the bag and slouched a bit with his hands on his knees, panting.

"What are you so out of breath about?" Leon asked.

Krauser regained his composure. "Can you believe that road?"

"What road?"

"You know. The one in front of the White House. Twelve lanes and no island. Can you believe that?"

"I know. That's just ridiculous. You should do something about it, Mr. President."

President Graham finally stopped hugging his "dog" and looked up at the young man. "About what?"

Leon threw his arms up in the arm. "Ugh! Never mind!"

"Oh, that reminds me! I have a mission for the two of you. I want you guys to go over to the 7-11 across the street and get me a Darth Vader slushie."

Krauser waved his arms and shook his head. "Uh-uh! Hell no! No way, Jose! I'm not going back across that street! Trying to cross that street is suicidal!"

"Then why did _you _cross the street?"

"Well, I would've sent these groceries by mail, but I'd never get my paycheck cuz you never send it in the mail. You hand it to me personally. Besides, it would probably seem pretty stupid for a grown man to stuff groceries into mailbox when all he has to do is cross the street and deliver them."

President Graham stood up and waved his hands at the two men, gesturing them to leave. "Off you go now. Shoo before I turn on the sprinklers."

The two agents were off the moment the sprinklers where mentioned. Leon didn't want to get his hair messed up and Krauser...well, he just didn't want to get wet all together.

When they got to the sidewalk, they stopped and stared at the road. As Krauser said earlier, twelve lanes and no island. It seemed that in order for this mission to be accomplished before nightfall, or before the 7-11 closed, only one of them would have to cross the street.

"You go." Leon said.

"I'm not going, you go." The older man protested.

"Well, I'm sure not going."

As the two agents argued who should cross the street, they noticed Ashley walking up to the edge of the sidewalk and preparing to cross the road.

Leon's eyes went wide. "Ashley, no!"

The blonde ignored him completely and began crossing the street, walking a though there were no cars on the road. She made it safely across the treacherous road.

Krauser stared at her, mouth agape. "Damn, the kid did it! How come she's able to cross the road without getting hit by a car and nearly a million times in just one crossing, I nearly get killed?"

Leon pondered, rubbing his chin. "Maybe it's the way she walks, or because she's a girl, or even because she's the President's daughter."

"I'm gonna try."

"No, Krauser! Don't!"

Krauser ignored Leon's protests and began walking calmly across the road. He was doing final until he go to the third land, where he got hit by a car.

Leon's eyes went wide. "KRAUSER!"

The older man stood up and brushed himself off. "Hey, Leon! I'm okay!"

The brunette sighed. "Good. Now get your ass back over here!" (A/N: I know a lot of people say Leon's hair is blond, but if you ask me, it looks more brownish than blondish.)

"Will do!" Krauser ran back over to the sidewalk, nearly getting hit by another car. "Apparently, Ashley is not afraid to die."

"Ditto."

Ashley walked across the street again, walking calmly and holding a bottle of mineral water. Once again, not one car came close to hitting her.

Leon and Krauser watched with his their jaws dropped as she walked back over to their side of the road.

The brunette grabbed Ashley by the shoulders and began shaking her.

"Are you nuts!" He cried. "Do you have a death wish or something, girl!" He stopped shaking her. "Please don't tell me you're suicidal."

Ashley stared at him with one brow raised. "Leon...what are you talking about?"

"That road! TWELVE lanes and NO island. Crossing that road sounds VERY suicidal to me."

"Leon, it's all about being calm, yet quick or just calm. Besides, if you cross at just the right time, you'll make it. Now, I must go. Scary Movie 3 is coming on soon and I don't wanna miss it." With that said, Ashley gently pried Leon's hands off her shoulders and continued her journey to the front door.

Krauser rook a deep breath. "Okay, I'm gonna walk calmly, yet quickly to the other side."

"Go, Krauser!"

The minute Krauser took one step into the road, a speeding car whizzed by. It would've run over his foot had he not put it out of the street in the nick of time.

The older man ran back Leon and cowered a little bit. "That's the last time today I'm attempting to cross the street."

"Well, I don't want to go." The brunette whined. "Let's think of an idea."

The two men sat down on the sidewalk and pondered about how they were gonna cross the street before night fall.

* * *

Hours later, the two agents were still sitting on the sidewalk, still in the same position as they were when they first sat down. The only difference was the sky, which was now a fiery color, giving everything a slightly orange hue.

Leon was the first to stand up.

"That's it!" He cried. "Krauser, we HAVE to get across the street before the sky turns another color!"

Krauser stood up. "But, how are we gonna get across the street?"

"This is how..." Leon walked over to the edge of the sidewalk and stood there, the toes of his shoes hanging over the edge slightly. He kept his back to Krauser and his fists clenched as he spoke. "I'm going alone."

"But, Leon..."

"But nothing. One of us has to go or else we'll both get fired. Or worse...Having to give Jaws another bath."

"Leon, going across that road is suicidal. You said so yourself. Actually, I said that, but you know what I mean."

"I know. Jack, if I die, I want you to be in the next issue of Play Girl for me."

Krauser knew that whenever Leon used his first name, he was being dead serious.

He nodded. "Sure thing Le-You're still doing Play Girl!"

Leon looked over his shoulder at Krauser. "Okay, so I like it when the women ask me if I was the extremely sexy guy from that one issue of Play Girl." He went back to staring at the road. "But anyway, I'm going now. Krauser, pray for me."

Krauser placed a hand on Leon's shoulder. "Will do. And good luck." He removed his hand from the brunette's shoulder.

Leon looked to his left, then his right, then ran into the street as fast as he could. Krauser cheered him on back yelling things like, "Run, Leon! Run!" and "Show that road who's boss!" and "Kick that road's ass!" and "You can do it, pretty boy!"

Finally, Leon made it to the other side of the road.

"Oh, my God! I did it!" Leon cried.

"How come you didn't get hit by a car, but I did!" Krauser growled.

"Cuz I'm gonna live long enough to be in the next issue of Play Girl! Whoo-hoo!" Leon began to do a victory dance as he walked into the 7-11.

"Oh. Note to self: be in the next issue of Play Girl."

Ashley came over to Krauser to see what all the commotion was.

"What's going on?" The blonde asked.

"He did it! Leon did it!" Krauser cried

"Did what?"

"He made it across the street!"

"He did? Alright!"

About two minutes later, the brunette man emerged from the 7-11, a Darth Vader slushie in hand.

Krauser sighed. "Okay, he's got the slushie. All he has to do is make it back here without injury or dropping the slushie. I care more about him not dropping the slushie than him staying safe."

"You jerk!" Ashley elbowed Krauser hard in his ribs. The older man held his ribs with his arms as Ashley cried, "Come on, Leon! You can do it!"

Leon took a deep breath and ran as fast as he could, nearly getting hit by a car dozens of times. He made it to Ashley and Krauser's side of the road without injury or dropping the slushie.

"You did it, Leon!" The blonde cried as she hugged Leon, careful not to make him drop the slushie.

"Oh, what the hell?" Krauser opened his arms. "Come here, you!" He put Leon AND Ashley in a tight bear hug, also careful about the slushie.

Krauser and Ashley finally stopped hugging Leon and followed him as he began walking towards the White House.

They walked and walked and walked until they FINALLY reached the Oval Office.

Ashley quietly opened the door, knowing her father was probably sleeping at his desk by now. Surprisingly, he was wide awake.

"Daddy." She said quietly.

"Yes? What is it, pumpkin?" President Graham asked as he looked up at his daughter.

Ashley opened the door all the way so her father could see both men and the slushie. "They have your slushie."

The President quickly stood up. "It's about damn time!" He ran over to the door and pushed Ashley out of the way, sending her to the floor, and grabbed the slushie out of Leon's hands. "My slushie...Thank you so much, guys. I'm giving you both raises. I'll even give you a raise in your allowance, Ashley."

"Hurray!" The two men and the girl, still on the floor, cried happily.

As the President danced around the Oval Office, he accidentally tripped over something, spilling his slushie all over the floor.

"Damn it!" He cried. "I dropped my slushie! Oh well...Guys, could you buy me another one? Or maybe you, Ashley?"

Leon and Krauser glanced at each other before running away. Leon came running back, though. He finally realized President Graham also said _Ashley _and grabbed her by the arms, dragging her back the way he just came from. Sure, she could make it to and from the 7-11, but Leon really didn't want that chance to be taken.

"Well..." President Graham began. "I guess I'll just get that slushie myself!"

* * *

The next morning, Leon, all ready for work, went out on the front porch to get the newspaper. He was drinking his coffee as he picked up the paper, but when he saw what was on the front page, he spit his drink out.

The front page said _President Graham hit by car and dragged forty seven feet. The only injuries he got were on his ass when he was dragged. He's okay, but he will have to wear bandages on his ass for a week or two_.

Leon sighed. "That stupid man...He will NEVER learn, will he?"

* * *

So, how was that? Was it better than the last chapter? If it wasn't I know it was at least AS funny. I know it was longer, I'll tell ya that much.


	6. Hunt Down Albert Wesker Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 6: Hunt Down Albert Wesker Part I

* * *

"Sorry we're-" Leon began as he and Krauser walked into the Oval Office, but stopped when he saw the President trying to get his tie out of the paper shredder and Jaws pulling on the seat of his pants. "Uh...are we interrupting something?

"Help!" President Graham cried. "My paper shredder's pissed at me and wants to kill me!"

"Who doesn't?" Krauser mutter under his breath as he unplugged the device.

"Boy, that was close." The President sat up straight in his chair and fixed his tie, or at least what was left of it. "You two are probably wondering why I called you here today."

"I swear, if we have to follow your ex-wife around again, I'm gonna-" Krauser began, but was cut off when Leon put his hand over the older man's mouth.

"Don't mind Krauser. He's just upset cuz his pants shrank in the wash." The brunette said.

The older man pushed his friend's hand away from his face. "And they hurt like hell, too!"

President Graham remained silent for a moment. "...Anyway, I called you two down here because I have a very important mission for you. It's about Albert Wesker."

"I swear I don't know him!" Krauser cried.

"Krauser, we all know you joined forces with him for a short amount of time."

"...No, I didn't."

The President sighed. "Why do you always deny your partnership with Wesker?"

"Cuz he said he was gonna pay me and he never did!"

Leon pushed Krauser down. "Suck it up, you big cry baby!"

Graham cleared his throat. "ANYWAY, I would like for the both of you to track him down."

"Why?" Leon asked.

"That's classified information. I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. Now go! Go before it's too late!"

"Uh...ok? Come on, Krauser. Hey, is that a penny on the floor?"

Krauser looked around frantically. "Where!"

The brunette pointed at the doorway. "Over there!"

"Cool!" Krauser ran over to the doorway and saw there was indeed a penny laying there. He bent down to pick it up, until...

RIP!

"Oh, my God!" Leon fell to the floor laughing while Krauser covered the rip in his pants with his hands.

The President stood up suddenly. "Jack Krauser! You know the rules! No ripping your pants in my office! That's a ten dollar deduction from your pay this month!"

Krauser stomped the floor. "Damn it!"

* * *

Leon sighed and wiped the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand after loading the last of the necessary items for his and Krauser's mission into the back of the Invisi-Car.

"You ready, Krauser?" He asked.

"No!" Came Krauser's reply.

"Oh, come on, Krauser. The pants you found in the lost and found bin aren't that bad."

"Grrr..."

A moment later, the scar faced man came out from behind one of large weapons in the room, his face redder than his beret. The pants he was wearing did fit right, but they weren't quite his style. They were pink and they had the word _sexy _on the butt in purple letters. They clashed with the rest of his outfit. After all, the rest of his outfit was something your average commando would wear on a mission.

"Nice ass, Krauser." The brunette chuckled when the older agent had to turn around to hide the redness of his face.

"Shut up, Kennedy!"

"Well, let's be off." Leon climbed into the driver's side of the Invisi-Car while Krauser climbed into the passenger's side.

"Leon, I swear, if you even THINK about putting the car in Invisi-Mode, I'm gonna-"

"Leon! Krauser!" Ashley's voice called out to them.

The two men looked out of the driver's side window and saw the blonde running up to the car with two brown paper bags in her hands.

"Hey, Ashley. What's that?" The brunette asked as he lowered his window.

The President's daughter smiled as she handed Leon the two bags. "They're your lunches. I made them all by myself."

Leon returned the smile. "Thanks, Ash."

"Ooh! Leon and Ashley sitting in a tree!" Krauser said while he was cracking up.

The brunette shot the older man an angry glare before pressing the Invisi-Mode button.

"Ah! I'm sorry! I'll stop! It's the pants! They made me do it!"

"That's more like it." Leon took the car out of Invisi-Mode and put his window back up.

"Good luck, guys!" Ashley waved them good bye as the car backed up, missing the door and going right through the wall instead. "Ooh. I hope Daddy doesn't notice..."

* * *

The two agents sighed in unison as they waited for the red light to turn green again. They had already been waiting for five minutes and didn't want to wait another minute more.

"Krauser?"

"Hm?" The older agent looked at his friend out of the corner of his eye.

"Where do you think Wesker is?"

"I don't know."

"Didn't he tell you anything when you two were allies? Like where he was gonna go after he finished whatever he had to do in Spain."

"Not a thing. I asked him but he didn't want me to know. I asked Saddler if he knew anything and he told me he did, but if I wanted the info I had to talk to Saladbar. He also told me Bitorez Mendez knew something as well, but he wouldn't say a word."

Leon raised an eyebrow. "Saladbar? Don't you mean Salazar?"

"I never really liked that guy so I always called him Saladbar behind his back."

"Oh. Well, continue with what you were saying before."

"Anyway, I asked Salazar what he knew and he said he wouldn't tell me for if he did, he'd be in serious trouble with Wesker."

"I don't get it. Salazar seemed to have more power than Wesker yet he was afraid of him."

"Well, he's a midget. What do you expect? As I was saying, I asked Ada if she knew anything, but she didn't know anything. Once again, I tried to get Wesker to tell me, but he just wouldn't tell me. I couldn't figure out why he told Salazar, Saddler, and Mendez where he was planning on going and not me and Ada until I saw them all dead."

"It's like Wesker knew they were going to die."

Krauser nodded. "He did. I found a journal that he left behind and he wrote that he was just using them as puppets. As for Ada and myself...we were puppets as well. He was going to kill us, but something stopped him. The journal didn't say anything about what stopped him, but it did say that he couldn't tell us a thing if we were going to live long enough to get out of the country."

"Just be thankful you're alive today, Krauser."

"Oh, sure." The man wearing a beret said sarcastically. "I love going on missions a retard could do like getting the President's daughter tampons and getting food for his damn infected mutt and I love going across the road to the 7-11 and getting hit by a car nearly every time. I also just _love _when I have to play with his _dog_ and when my pants get shrunk in the wash and getting them ripped and having to wearing girly pants with the word _sexy _on the ass!"

"You know you're happy to be alive. Oh, green light!" Leon stepped on the gas hard, causing Krauser to be forced back into his seat.

Krauser furrowed his brows in thought when the Invisi-Car was at normal speed limit. _'Wesker, I know you have something in store for me, but what? I know you better than you know yourself. You wouldn't just let me and Ada go so easily. Were the words you put in the journal a lie so I'd be oblivious to what was really in store for the both of us?'_

After an hour of driving around and asking random people if they've seen Wesker, the two agents decided to get something to eat. They couldn't eat the lunches Ashley packed them for they were in the mood for fast food, so they just tossed them out of the Invisi-Car.

Before they actually went to get some food, they made a quick trip back home so Krauser could change into a pair of his own pants. Even though they were just gonna go through the drive through of some fast food place, Krauser wanted to change into his pants anyway. Right after that little detour, they went to McDonald's.

Leon chuckled. "Hey, Krauser?"

"What?" The agent asked.

"I've got an idea."

"What is it?"

"You'll see." Leon drove up to the speaker thing where you order your food and laughed a little bit.

"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" A feminine voice asked over the speaker.

"Yeah, I'd like three pounds of buffalo wings, a pound of doughnuts, five pounds of candy, two extra large chocolate shakes, and two small beers."

"Uh...hold on one moment, please."

The brunette broke out into laughter. "That was so damn funny!"

"What exactly was the point of that?" Krauser asked.

"Don't you see, Krauser? I ordered stuff that isn't on the menu."

"...So?"

"So that means they're running around in there, trying to find out what the prices are and they don't even have those items on the menu. You see, what's gonna happen next is when they finally realize those items aren't on the menu, they'll tell me that and I'll complain to them that those items are indeed on the menu. They'll tell me to drive up to the window, they'll apologize, and they'll give me what I asked for and say it's on the house."

The older man's eyes went wide. "Really?"

"Yeah. I tried it at Burger King once. I got a big, juicy steak, a kiwi lemon smoothie, and a slice of chocolate cake."

"But...won't they check the menu?"

"That's the beauty of it, Krauser. They NEVER check the menu."

"That's just plain stupid."

"Excuse me, sir." The same voice said over the speaker. "I'm sorry but those items are not on the menu."

Leon cleared his throat. "I believe they ARE on the menu. If you don't believe me, check it yourself."

"Uh...hold on one moment, sir." There was a silence that lasted a few seconds. "Drive up to the take out window, please."

The brunette drove up to the take out window, trying to keep his laughter in as did Krauser.

A young woman handed him the food and drinks he ordered. "Here's your food and your drinks. Sorry for the inconvenience. It's on the house to show our apology. Have a nice day."

Leon chuckled a little before responding with, "You, too." and hit the gas. "Whoo! Wasn't that great, Krauser?"

"Hell yeah!" Krauser replied, his mouth full of buffalo wings.

* * *

"Where the hell are those two?" President Graham asked, more to himself than his daughter.

"Daddy," Ashley said. "just because they're your best agents doesn't mean they're gonna find that man in a matter of a few hours."

"Honey, it's been two days since they left."

"Oh. Well, there's no way they could've found him by now."

"Ashley, do you remember when Jaws ran away?"

"Yeah. It was a few months ago."

"I sent those two on a mission to find him and they did after a few hours of searching."

"So?"

"Jaws was located in Tokyo."

"Oh, I remember now!"

"That's it. I'm calling them." The President picked up his phone and dialed Leon's cell phone number.

"Hello?" Came the brunette's voice.

"Kennedy, where the hell are you and Krauser!"

"We're in New York. Why?"

"I believe I sent you two on a mission two days ago."

"Uh...I forgot."

"You and Krauser have to find Wesker, you idiot!"

"Oh, that's right! Hey, Krauser! Get off your fat, lazy ass! We need to look for Wesker!"

"And you better find him soon!" Graham hung up and sighed. "They may be my best agents, but they're still morons."

"And so are you." Ashley muttered under her breath.

* * *

Unfortunately for Leon and Krauser, the Invisi-Car broke down on the side of the highway and they had to call a mechanic to pick them up. They had to wait about an hour until the mechanic finally came.

"Hello, lads." The mechanic said as he stepped out of his truck. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Our car broke down. Fix it!" Leon cried.

"Alright, alright. Hold your haggis." The mechanic lifted up the hood of the Invisi-Car and began fixing whatever the problem was.

Krauser stared at the mechanic. Something about him seemed very familiar. Plus the Scottish accent he was speaking in seemed fake and he seemed overly confident about something, though Leon seemed oblivious to it.

"I wonder..." The older agent thought as he reached in his pants pocket and took out a picture, which was of Wesker. He glanced at it, then at the mechanic. They both looked exactly the same except the mechanic was wearing dirty, oily clothes and he was wearing an obviously fake mustache, but his hair was still slicked back perfectly and he was wearing sunglasses. It had to be him. "Leon, get over here!" He whispered loudly.

"What is it?" Leon asked.

"Look at this." Krauser shown his friend the picture. "Now look at that guy."

Leon stared at the picture, then the mechanic, then the picture, and then the mechanic again. "Holy shit! You're right!" He quickly drew the gun he had strapped to his thigh and pointed it at the mechanic. "Freeze!"

Krauser followed suit by pulling out his dagger and prepared himself to strike if needed.

The mechanic stared at the two agents. "What are you doing? If you want me to fix your car faster, I can't. I'm already done."

The brunette glared at him. "We know it's you...Wesker."

The mechanic chuckled slightly, then began laughing maniacally. It sounded exactly like Wesker's laugh.

"So you've found me." He said, his accent no longer Scottish. "What do you intend to do with me?"

Leon and Krauser looked at each other, hoping the other knew what the answer was, but they both just shrugged and returned their gaze to Wesker.

"Uh...We don't know." Leon said. "But I guess we're supposed to capture you."

"You'll never take me alive!" Wesker jumped into the driver's seat of the Invisi-Car and started it up. "So long, suckers!" With that said, he hit the gas.

"You idiot! You left the keys in the ignition!" Krauser yelled.

Leon chuckled nervously. "...Oops. Well, no time for that! We need to catch Wesker!"

"Right."

The two agents climbed into Wesker's truck. Lucky for them Wesker also left the keys in the ignition.

"Wesker's such a dumbass." Leon said before stepping on the gas.

* * *

Ah...I finally finished this chapter. Sorry for the long wait, everyone. Laziness kicked in. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will be up soon, I promise.


	7. Hunt Down Albert Wesker Part II

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 7: Hunt Down Albert Wesker Part II

* * *

"Faster, Leon! Faster!" Krauser cried, his head sticking out of the passenger's side window. "I think we're gaining on Wesker!"

"I'm going as fast as this damn truck will go!" Leon yelled back, stepping on the gas even harder. Suddenly, his cell phone began to ring. "Damn it. Why now?" The brunette reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. "What is it?" He asked.

"You'll never catch me!" Came Wesker's mocking voice.

"Wesker! You better pull over right now!"

"What do you think I am? Stupid?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

"Oh, screw you."

"Wesker, I swear to God if you don't pull over, I'm gonna shoot at you."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Watch me." The brunette hung up on Wesker and glanced over at Krauser. "Krauser, I need you to do me a favor."

The older agent stuck his head back in and looked at Leon. "This won't involve a bee hive again, will it?"

"No. I need you to take my gun and shoot at the Invisi-Car's wheels."

"Are you nuts! The President will fire us!" But after a few moments of contemplation, Krauser added. "On second thought, gimme your gun!" He grabbed the gun strapped to his friend's thigh and leaned out the window again, aiming at one of the Invisi-Car's back wheels.

"Be careful, Krauser. There's only two bullets left. I forgot to refill it before we left."

"Only an idiot like you would forget to do something as important as that!" The older man growled at his friend's stupidity, then refocused on where he was aiming the gun. Silently hoping the bullet wouldn't miss, he fired the gun. Instead of hitting the tire, it hit the side mirror.

"Krauser!" Leon growled.

"What! I'm under too much damn pressure!" Taking a deep breath, Krauser aimed the gun once more and fired. This time the bullet successfully hit it's target and the Invisi-Car swerved off the highway.

"Yes! We got him!" The brunette shouted happily.

Wesker, not knowing what else to do, threw open the door and jumped out of the Invisi-Car. He began running as though his life depended on it, and he was positive that it did.

Leon quickly hit the brakes and got out of the truck. "Hurry up, Krauser!"

"I'm coming, damn it!" The agent growled as he climbed out the window, hitting the ground with a thud. By the time he got up, Leon was already running after Wesker. "Wait for me!" He ran after Leon.

"Wesker! Stop!" The brunette yelled.

"Never!" The blond panted. "I'll never give up to an inferior being such as yourself!"

"Hey! I was in an issue of Play Girl, damn it!"

"That's nothi-" Before he could finish his sentence, Wesker tripped and fell flat on his face. "Ouch!"

"Got cha!" Leon jumped on the blond, pinning his arms down. By that time, Krauser had finally caught up with the two. "Albert Wesker, you have the right to remain silent."

The older agent chuckled when Leon said Wesker's first name. "Hehehe...Albert. That's funny."

"Okay, so you caught me. What do you intend on doing with me?" Wesker asked coolly.

"That's for the President to decide." The brunette held a hand out to Krauser. "Krauser, get me some handcuffs."

"You're not the boss of me!...Okay." Krauser made his way back to the Invisi-Car and fished out a pair of handcuffs from the back. He handed them to Leon when he returned to where he and Wesker were at.

"Oh, I feel so giddy!" Leon said as he handcuffed Wesker. "I can't believe I caught Wesker!"

"You mean _we_." The older agent corrected him. "Remember, _I'm _the one who shot the wheel."

"Whatever." The brunette got off the blond and made him stand up. "Krauser, go get a tire from the truck and replace the Invisi-Car's flat tire with it.

"Fine." Krauser sighed as he went to do his job.

Leon dragged Wesker to the Invisi-Car, pushed him in the back seat, and slammed the door shut, then got in the driver's seat.

"I can't believe I actually caught you, Wesker." The agent chuckled. "I rock, man."

"No, you don't. I do." Wesker corrected him.

"Why the hell do you rock?"

"Cuz I was captain of the Alpha team and you...uh...well, I don't know what you were but I can tell you weren't a captain."

"But now I work for the President."

"Damn. You got me there."

Krauser opened the passenger's side door and climbed in. "I fixed the wheel. We're ready to go, Leon."

"Perfect timing, Krauser." Leon started up the car and drove back onto the highway.

It was silent the first few minutes until Wesker spoke up.

"What's the President like?" He asked.

"He is the BIGGEST moron ever!" Both agents replied.

"Oh. I hear he has a dog. What's he like?"

"He's the most VICIOUS creature ever." Both agents replied yet again.

"In fact," Krauser began, turning to Wesker. "that dog isn't even a dog. It's a Colmillo."

"A Colmillo? What's that?"

"You know! It's a wolf infected with the Las Plagas."

"Oh! I call those things Bob."

"...Bob? You call all of them Bob?"

"Well, I couldn't think of a better name to call them."

There was another few minutes of silence.

"So...where are you guys taking me?" The blond asked.

"To the White House." Leon said.

"Oh."

Another few minutes of silence.

"So...how are things going, Krauser?" Wesker asked.

"I wouldn't say good, but I wouldn't say bad." Krauser replied.

"In the middle, huh?"

"Yeah. In the middle."

"Have you...fulfilled your dream yet?"

"What dream?" The brunette asked.

"Oh, nothing! Absolutely nothing!" The man wearing a beret said, holding his hands up in defense.

Wesker smirked. "Krauser told me he wanted to be a ballerina when he left Spain."

"I did not! Shut up!"

Leon raised a brow. "A ballerina?"

"I only wanted to be a ballerina cuz they wear spandex and spandex really makes my ba-"

"Don't even say it, Jack Krauser!"

"It really makes _them_ noticeable."

"Shut up, Krauser!"

"Yeah! We don't wanna hear it." Wesker looked away from Krauser.

"So, Wesker, why didn't you ever tell me where you were gonna go when you left Spain?" The older agent asked.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you. You see, I told Mendez, Salazar, and Saddler because they were infected with the Las Plagas and I had total control over them even though they had no knowledge of it. You and Ada, on the other hand, were not infected, therefore if I told you anything, you'd most likely tell someone about my whereabouts."

Krauser nodded. "Yeah, we would've. I wonder whatever happened to Ada..."

"She lives right down the street from us, you idiot!" Leon said.

"Oh, yeah! She does!"

The three of them continued to have a normal conversation as though they were old friends catching up with one another. Before they knew it they were VERY close to the White House. In fact, they were so close they didn't know how close they were.

* * *

President Graham sat in the Oval Office, acting as though he were waiting for someone. He checked his watch and sighed.

"He should've gotten back right about now." He said to himself.

Just then, Jaws walked in, holding a can of orange soda in his mouth.

"Good boy, Jaws!" He took the can from the Colmillo and patted him on the head.

Just as the President was about to open the can, there was a loud crash in the wall behind him and smoke rose. When the smoke cleared, there was a huge hole in the wall and the Invisi-Car sat in the hole.

"Oops. Sorry, Mr. President!" Leon said.

Graham's eyes narrowed. "Grrr...LEON! KRAUSER!"

* * *

"I'm glad you found Wesker, boys." President Graham said, smiling. Earlier, he got Jaws to kick the two agents asses and afterwards he felt so much better. It also made Wesker happy for he got to watch.

"So, what're you gonna do with him?" Krauser asked, staring at Leon, whom he thought was the President. Since Jaws gave him two black eyes, he couldn't see very well.

Leon grabbed Krauser's shoulders and pointed him in the direction of the President.

The President cleared his throat. "Wesker, you have two choices. You can either become an agent or you can go to jail. Which will you choose?"

"Say what?" The two agents asked.

Wesker thought for a moment. "Uh...I'll take the agent thing. I've been to jail before and it's not pretty. They shave your head there."

"Mr. President, you're not serious, are you?" Leon asked in a panicked voice.

"Of course I'm serious! Oh, by the way, Wesker, if you even think about betraying us, I'll get Jaws to rip your balls off. He will do it, you know. Do I make myself clear?"

Wesker gulped nervously. "Yes, sir."

"Leon, Krauser, you guys won't be seeing much of Wesker. He'll be working with another agent and he won't be around as much as you two."

"Thank God." Krauser sighed.

"Take that back, you asshole!" Wesker yelled.

"Make me."

The second those words left the agent's mouth, he was kicked in the groin by Wesker. The blond would've punched him instead, but he was still handcuffed.

"Oh!" Krauser groaned in pain as he slowly sank to the floor.

"You kicked my friend in the nuts, you bastard!" Leon cried before punching Wesker in the face, knocking him to the ground. He jumped on top of him and kept punching him in the face over and over again.

The President sighed. "Well, this is gonna be just peachy."

* * *

Wow. I didn't think I'd finish this chapter so quickly. I just freakin' amaze myself.


	8. Haunted White House Sleepover Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 8: Haunted White House Sleepover Part I

* * *

"Leon, tell me again why we're sleeping over at the White House." Krauser said, carrying a sleep bag as he and Leon walked up to the front door of the White House.

"Cuz Ashley invited us, that's why." Leon replied, also carrying a sleeping bag.

"Well I think it's a bad idea. Suicidal even."

"You think EVERYTHING is suicidal."

"Well, everything IS suicidal."

The brunette shook his head at the older man's reply and knocked on the door. The second he stopped knocking the door was quickly opened and there stood Ashley.

"Hi, guys!" She said with a smile.

Leon smiled back. "Hey, Ash."

"What's up, kid?" Krauser asked.

"Nothing much. Well, come on in, guys. It's getting kinda dark outside." The blonde stepped out of the way to let the agents in, shutting the door after they entered.

"Who was at the door, Ashley!" Came the President's voice.

"It's Leon and Krauser! We're having a sleepover!"

President Graham ran into the room, excitement in his eyes. "Can I join!" His voice was also filled with much excitement.

"No!"

"You're not nice! Now I wish I never adopted you!" He ran out of the room, sobbing.

"You never told me I was adopted!" Ashley ran after her father.

"...Okay..." Both agents said, thinking to themselves that the Graham family was a very weird one.

* * *

Night had already fallen when Leon and Krauser found the President and his daughter. He told them all that Ashley wasn't really adopted. He was just caught up in the moment and said something before he could think. Of course the two agents and his own daughter thought otherwise about the thinking part.

Now Leon, Krauser, and Ashley were sitting on the floor in front of a big, red armchair while Graham sat in the chair. A fire in the nearby fireplace was the only thing that lit the room. Jaws was laying near it, his golden eyes half closed and he was drooling slightly as though he were relaxed. In fact, he even pissed himself and didn't realize it since he was so relaxed by the warmth of the fire. The doors were shut tight and the only sounds in the room were the fire's crackling and the breathing of the four people and the infected wolf in the room.

"Now it's time for scary stories!" The President said, ending his statement with an evil laugh.

Krauser snorted. "I know a better scary story than whatever yours is. One day I saw Leon in a thong. The end."

The brunette punched his friend in the arm, adding a "Can it, Scar Face." after the older agent rubbed the area where he was hit.

"Ahem. Can I go on with the story?" The President asked.

The younger agent nodded. "Sure thing, Mr. Pres."

"Alright. It was a dark and stormy night..."

"Oh, cut the shit, Graham! I've heard that phrase used so much it just kills the story for me." Krauser said.

The President did something that surprised everyone: He slapped Krauser. "No cussing in front of my daughter, damn it!" He regained his composure. "Now where was I? Oh, yeah. On this night, many years ago, twenty eight years to be exact, the President's daughter was having a sleepover."

Krauser scoffed at the last sentence. It scared the crap out of Ashley, though, and she held onto Leon's arm. Leon was also really scared and tried to hide his fear, but he wasn't very good at hiding his emotions.

Graham smiled to himself at the reactions he got from his daughter and the brunette agent. "While they were sleeping, a guy snuck in and killed everyone, including the President."

Now Leon was really starting to panic and held onto Ashley, shaking in fear. Krauser was starting to get freaked out as well, but he was good at hiding his emotions and pretended as though the fear inside him did not exist.

"Then the guy killed himself." Graham continued. "The autopsy shown he was VERY drunk before he died so they assumed it was just an accident. After a little research, the police found out the guy was going to kill his family, but he did the stupidest thing by getting drunk first. He came to the White House, thinking it was his home, and killed everyone, who he thought was his family."

The older agent laughed slightly. "What a dumbass. That is definitely something Leon would do, except for the planning on killing his family part. I'm sure he'd kill random people by accident."

The brunette glared at his friend. "Shut up, Krauser! I would not kill someone if I were drunk! You'd do that! After all, you're always drunk."

"Am not!"

"Are, too! In fact, you're holding a can of beer right now!"

"...No, I'm not..." Krauser quickly tossed the can of beer he was holding over his shoulder. "See? I'm not holding a damn thing."

"Shut up! I'm not done with the story yet!" The President glared at everyone. "Like I was saying, they say the guy's ghost haunts the White House up to this day."

"Well, how come we've never seen him, Daddy?" Ashley asked.

"Yeah." Both agents agreed.

Graham thought for a moment. "Uh...I don't know. Go ask the ghost yourselves!"

Suddenly, the fire was blown out by a breeze that seemed to come from nowhere. This made Jaws jump to his feet with a yelp.

"Ah! The fire went out!" The President's daughter cried, clinging to Leon even tighter.

"No shit, Sherlock!" Leon yelled in a panicked voice.

All doors slowly began to open, creaking eerily until they were wide open, then quickly slammed shut.

This was all really starting to freak Krauser out. That and the fact that Jaws was actually hiding behind him for protection and whimpering. Jaws was NEVER scared by anything.

The agent remembered once hearing that animals were sensitive to ghostly activity and when they freaked out for no apparent reason, then was most likely something there. Of course he didn't believe it for he was a skeptic of such nonsense. Or at least what he thought was nonsense.

Krauser stared at the wolf, noticing that he was staring at the far corner of the room. Taking a glance there himself, nothing was there, but from the way Jaws was acting, he could tell there was indeed something there. He couldn't see it, but Jaws could and whatever it was, it was scaring the shit out of him.

"Oh, my God! We're all gonna die!" The President cried before he jumped out of the chair, ran to the nearest door, threw it open, and ran for his life.

"We're getting out of here! Come on, Ashley!" Leon stood up, bringing Ashley with him, picked her up, and carried her out the door with him, accidentally banging her head against the doorframe as he did so. He muttered an apology before taking off in the same direction as the President.

"Wait for me, you assholes!" Krauser cried as he ran towards the door as well. He was quite surprised that Jaws hadn't even passed him yet when he got to the door. Looking back, he saw the Colmillo was still sitting in the same spot, whimpering while keeping his eyes glued to the far corner of the room. "Come on, Jaws! You want to live, don't you?"

The only response from the wolf was louder whimpering.

"Grrr..." Not knowing what else to do, the agent ran over to the wolf and picked him up. "You better pay me for this later." With that said, he ran out the door and took off in the direction he saw Leon run in.

* * *

"The ghost won't get us in here..." President Graham sighed. He had just finished locking all the doors in the room that he, the two agents, his daughter, and his pet were currently in and putting stickers on the wall that said _Keep out, you scary ghost_.

"Oh, sure. Like locking the doors and putting stupid stickers on the walls are gonna keep the ghost out." Krauser said.

Leon shivered. "What if the ghost came in here with us? What if he's hiding...waiting until we go to sleep, then he'll kill us all!"

The older agent growled. "Get a hold of yourself, Kennedy! Besides, if that ghost were in here, that damn Colmillo would be hiding behind my chair, whimpering."

"Then how come he's sitting on your lap?"

"Cuz he wants my thigh bones to break VERY slowly."

The President clasped his hands together and held them to his cheek. "Aw...! He loves you!"

"Guys, what are we gonna do about the ghost?" Ashley asked.

The brunette agent thought for a minute, then snapped his fingers. "I got it! We'll give him an offering. Quick, someone open one of the doors."

Everyone just stared at him.

"I said open one of the doors, damn it!"

The President quickly opened the door he was standing next to.

Leon picked up Ashley and walked over to the door. He took a deep breath and yelled, "SACRIFICE!" right before literally throwing the blonde out of the room and slamming the door shut, locking it.

Banging came from the door and cries were heard, such as "Leon! Let me back in!" and "You're so cruel and heartless!" and "I always knew you were a Nazi!"

"You threw my daughter out, you bastard!" The President cried before punching Leon in the face, sending the brunette to the floor. Praying that the ghost wasn't out there with Ashley, he opened the door and his daughter ran back inside. "Thank goodness." He quickly shut and relocked the door.

"Why did you throw me out!" Ashley screeched, resting her clenched fists against her hips and staring down at the agent with a look of pure hate and rage in her eyes.

"Ghosts like chicks!" was Leon's response.

"Oh, that's _real_ mature, Mr. Tough-Guy."

Leon stood up and rubbed his cheek where the President punched him. "But I wonder where the ghost is..."

As if to answer his question, the door on the other side of the room unlocked by itself and slowly creaked open.

"OH, MY GOD! HE'S IN HERE!" The President screamed before unlocking the door, throwing it open, and running out of the room.

Krauser pushed the Colmillo off his lap and stood up, waving his fists in the air. "I challenge you to a fight. You don't scare me. Bring it on, ghost boy!"

The older agent fell to the ground suddenly, as though he were struck by an unseen force.

"You pissed the ghost off, Krauser!" Leon cried. "Now you're gonna get it!"

Jaws was acting very frightened by now. As he tried to run away, he was picked up by some unseen ghostly being and was thrown at the nearest wall.

"Jaws!" Ashley gasped. Even though the infected wolf tried to bite her millions of times before, she still loved him.

Before the Colmillo could hit the wall, Krauser caught him in his arms.

The President's daughter jumped up and down in joy and clapped her hands. "Krauser, you did it! You saved Jaws!"

"I did, didn't I?" Realization suddenly hit the agent as he looked down at the heap of fur and teeth in his arms. _'I can't believe I just saved this flea bitten, Las Plagas infected, literally big mouthed wolf! What the hell is wrong with me? Is my fear getting the best of me?'_

"Damn it, ghost!" Leon yelled. "Fight fair like a man and show yourself!"

The brunette regretted challenging the ghost to show itself when the scariest looking ghost appeared in front of him. It looked like a transparent crimson head.

"Oh, my God!" The agent screamed, then ran out of the room in a panic.

Ashley gasped. "You poor ghost!" She points at his clothes. "Your clothes are all ripped and torn."

The ghost raised an eyebrow at the blonde. "Uh...I don't know if you know this, but you're supposed to be scared of me. After all, I'm a ghost and you're a girl."

"Hmph! Why I never!" The blonde slapped the ghost, a little surprised that her hand didn't go through him. "Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I have to be scared of you, ya know!"

"Ow! That hurt!"

"Sorry, but you were asking for it, mister. Why are you even here in the first place?"

"It's the anniversary of my homicidal/suicidal rampage. Duh." He quickly added when the blonde quizzically stared at him, "It's a ghost thing. You won't understand until you become a ghost yourself."

"Oh. So...you're not gonna kill us, are you?"

"That depends...Do ya feel like dying tonight?"

"No..."

"Then you better get your candy ass out of here cuz if you don't, I'll kill you anyway."

Ashley stared at the ghost a few more seconds before taking off into the hallway, screaming.

The ghost turned to Krauser, who, for some weird reason, decided to stay. "What about you? Do you wanna die?"

Krauser didn't even answer. He kicked at the door nearest to him until it finally broke open and he ran for his and the Colmillo's lives.

The ghost sighed. "They always have to have it the hard way..."

* * *

Graham shook in fear as he huddled in the corner of his bedroom, praying that somehow the locks on his bedroom door would stay locked and the ghost would stay out.

_'Maybe the ghost gave up...' _He thought. _'Yeah, that's right. He probably gav-'_

His train of thought was broken when something started banging against the door.

"What the hell!"

"Daddy!" Came Ashley's voice. "Daddy, I know you're in there! Let me in!"

"Hold on, pumpkin!" He ran to the door and quickly undid all twenty five locks. But when he opened it...

...No one was there...

"..." The President said and did nothing. He just stood there until finally he passed out.

* * *

Krauser ran down the halls as fast as he could, panting hard. Jaws left him earlier when a window broke for no reason, so now he had to fend for himself.

_'That damn wolf.' _He thought angrily. _'Left me all by myself just cuz he's the most PATHETIC excuse for a Colmillo I've ever seen.'_

As he turned to run down another hallway, he stopped. Right at the other end of the hall were floating daggers.

The agent's eyes went wide. "Oh...crap..."

As the daggers began flying towards him, Krauser ducked, dodged, and back flipped out of the way of every one of them.

"Damn, that was close!" The agent began running down the hall again, hoping he wouldn't run into another set of flying daggers.

After a few minutes of running, he tripped and landed in front of a heavy statue. Since Krauser needed to rest for a little bit, he just lay there. What he didn't realize what that someone or something what slowly pushing the statue forward so that it would fall on him and crush him to death. Well, he realized it right before the statue fell.

"Oh, crap!" He closed his eyes, expecting to feel intense pain when instead he felt something grab the collar of his shirt and pull him to safety. "Huh?"

The scar faced man slowly opened his eyes and was shocked at who saved him. It was...

* * *

Ha ha ha! I'm leaving y'all with a cliff hanger! Tune in next time to find out who saved Krauser.


	9. Haunted White House Sleepover Part II

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 9: Haunted White House Sleepover Part II

* * *

"Jaws..." Krauser said as he stared at the Colmillo. He sat up and continued staring at the infected wolf. "You...You saved my life."

Jaws sat down in front of Krauser and barked softly, lifting his head up slightly. For some reason, his never ending grin seemed...different. It almost seemed friendly; happy. Almost.

"Well, thanks. I guess I better be off then." Krauser stood up and as he began walking down the hallway, he could hear the light pitter patter of paws as they made contact with the carpet and soft whining that sounded more like _Can I follow you for a while?_ rather than _I'm scared..._

The agent sighed and decided to let the Colmillo tag around him for a while. After all, what could it hurt? He already saved him from a tragic demise, so it would probably be a wise idea to keep the wolf around him for the time being.

* * *

Ashley shook in fear as she sat in a chair while Leon called some priest guy on his cell phone. She had just been through an awful experience. She looked in the bathroom mirror and there she saw...a pimple on her face. When Leon ran into the bathroom to see what was wrong, he was thankful that she wasn't hurt, but then he shoved her for scaring him.

"Hey, Mr. Priest dude." The brunette said into the phone. "We need an exorcism at the White House ASAP."

"But, Leon, no one is possessed. We need a blessing, not an exorcism." The blonde chimed in.

"Shut the hell up, Ashley! No one asked you! And by the way, exorcisms are also preformed on haunted houses, stupid."

"How do you know?"

"Cuz I watch Inuyasha. Duh! Miroku exorcises a house every once in a while, ya know. I mean, he's a monk for crying out loud."

"Oh."

"Yeah, man. When can you get here?" There was a slight pause from Leon. "You're already here?"

He ran to the front door, followed by Ashley, and opened it. To their surprise, they saw a priest standing there, holding a cell phone in his hand.

The priest smiled a bit. "Hi. I'm Father Bob. I believe you called for an exorcism."

"Come on in, Father!" The brunette got behind the priest and pushed him inside, slamming the door shut with his foot.

"How'd you get here so fast?" Ashley asked.

Father Bob grinned sheepishly. "Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. So, what's been going on here?"

"There's a ghost trying to kill us!" The agent clung to the priest's robes as he got on his knees. "Save us, oh priest of God!"

"What _exactly _has been going on here?"

"Well..." The blonde thought for a moment. "Doors have been unlocking and opening themselves, the fire in the fireplace went out, both my friend and my dog were attacked, we actually saw the ghost, and he sorta hit on me."

"...The ghost hit on you?"

"Plus he said he was gonna kill us all."

"What did the ghost look like?" No sooner had the words come out of the priest's mouth, the ghost appeared right in front of him.

Ashley pointed at the ghost. "That's what he looked like!"

Father Bob pointed at the ghost with his eyes as wide as dinner plates. "Oh, my God! A ghost!"

The ghost did the same thing. "Oh, my God! A priest!"

The two of them ran off in different directions, screaming. Of course the priest had to push Leon off him before he could run, though.

"I should've known he was a crappy priest!" Leon cried, watching as Father Bob ran as if his life depended on it.

"Come on, Leon." The blonde said as she helped her friend up. "We're taking matters into our own hands."

The brunette gulped. "We are?"

"Yes, we are. But first we need to find Krauser and Jaws. They can help us."

"I believe Krauser will help, but Jaws? Apparently you didn't see that Colmillo nearly shit himself when the ghost appeared."

"Oh, Jaws will help, all right. If he doesn't I'll lock him in the basement for two weeks."

"If you live long enough to lock him in the basement."

* * *

"God, how many hallways are in this place!" Krauser complained as he ran down different hallways, closely followed by Jaws.

Once again, the agent tripped. It was so sudden that Jaws didn't have any time to respond. He, too, tripped, but it was over the body of Krauser and not whatever the man tripped over.

"Ow! Damn it!" When he stood up again, the agent looked around his surroundings. They didn't look familiar at all. "Where am I? Wait, this is probably the area of the White House I haven't seen yet. I KNEW I should've taken a tour of this place when I became an agent!" He glanced down at the Colmillo, who was back on his feet. "You know this place better than me. You lead."

Jaws stared back at the man and barked, then ran down a different hallway.

"Run, Lassie! Run!" Krauser yelled as he tailed the infected wolf. "Run, you little chicken shit!"

The Colmillo stopped suddenly. Fortunately he was much faster than Krauser, so the agent had enough time to stop before he could trip over him.

"Why'd you-" Krauser began to say, but stopped himself when he saw what Jaws saw looking at. Way at the other end of the hallway was the ghost. "You, again!"

The ghost glared at Krauser. "How do you know who I am...?" He asked threateningly.

"You freakin' hit me earlier, remember!"

"Oh, now I remember. And now I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"I'd like to see you try..." Krauser pulled out his dagger, remembering quite well that Ashley had been able to slap him so he was pretty sure he'd be able to gut him.

"Oh, what? Do you plan on stabbing me?" The ghost began to laugh mockingly at the agent.

Jaws, wanting revenge on the ghost for throwing him earlier, darted towards him at full speed. Since the ghost was too busy laughing and had his eyes closed, he did not hear or see the Colmillo as he jumped at him and latched his teeth into his transparent balls.

"OH, MY GOD!" The ghost screamed, his eyes wide and tears forming in his eyes. "Get the dog off me..." He nearly whispered, pointing at Jaws.

"Under one condition."

"Name it..."

"Get your ass outta here and never come back!"

"Will do..."

"Okay, then. Jaws, let go of his balls."

The Colmillo obeyed and walked back over to Krauser, looking back at the ghost and growling as he did so.

"Oh, my balls..." The ghost whimpered as he floated over to the window and prepared to fly away, but fell instead.

The agent, followed by Jaws, ran over to the window. He was hoping the ghost was still there so he could laugh at him. As for the Colmillo...he just didn't want to be left out of the fun.

Unfortunately, the ghost was no longer there...

"Damn!" Krauser yelled, hitting the windowsill with his fist.

* * *

"Oh, where the hell did those two go?" Leon asked.

"I don't know but just keep looking." Ashley told him.

A groan came from one of the doors as it slowly opened. The blonde hid behind the brunette for protection, hoping it wasn't the ghost.

"Ow, my head..." The President groaned as he entered the room.

"Daddy!" The blonde ran up to her father and gave him a quick hug. "Where were you?"

"I was in La La Land..."

"You were unconscious, right?"

"Yeah. I don't remember why, though."

Then screaming was heard. Another door flew open and in ran Father Bob.

"There's some crazy shit going on around here and I'm not staying another minute!" He cried, then jumped out the nearest window.

"Hey, you're paying for the window!" Graham yelled.

Yet another door flew open and Krauser came walking in, a proud expression on his face. He was followed by Jaws, who also had the same look of pride on his face. Actually, no one could really tell because of his never ending Colmillo grin.

"Guess what? Me and Jaws kicked the ghost's ass!" The agent cried happily. "He won't be coming back here any time soon."

Leon just stared at his friend, mouth agape. "You got rid of the ghost?"

"Yeah."

"Thank God."

The President grinned. "Who wants to hear another scary story!" He asked suddenly.

The two agents and the President's daughter screamed before running out of the room. Seconds later, the President glanced out the window and saw them running across the front lawn towards that dangerous road. You know, the one that has twelve lanes and no island. The three of them didn't care how dangerous the road was. All they cared about was getting the hell out of the White House and staying out until morning.

President Graham sighed. "This is the same way my wife left me...Oh well. Come on, Jaws. Let's go watch some scary movies." Then he noticed something was wrong. Jaws wasn't present in the room. "Jaws, where did you go?"

If he had looked out the window again, he would've seen Jaws running across the front lawn to catch up with the three humans.

* * *

There's chapter nine for ya. By the way, I was wondering if any of you think that a friendship should form between Krauser and Jaws. I doubt I'll start a friendship between them, but I'd like the hear your opinions.


	10. The New Guy

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own the new guy.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

EDIT 1/6/07: You may have noticed some things have changed in this chapter, like Blade's attire and him not being so...emotionless? Well, that's not exactly the word, but it's the only one I can think of right now. ; Anyway, the reason I changed his outfit was cuz at the time, I thought it looked somewhat cool, and in a later chapter I changed it cuz I realized how sucky that would look, so now I decided to change it in this chappy and delete the part in the later chapter where it says his outfit changed. As for the way he acts...When I first created him, I didn't really care about what his personality was like or anything, I just thought the story needed a black haired guy in a trenchcoat. But later, I got to like him and it got me thinking, _'I don't want him to be some monotonous person. I want him to be tough, but also have a bit of a soft spot.' _I didn't like the way he was, so I changed his personality a bit, but I never actually edited anything where pretty much everything he said was either rude-ish or monotonous. So, there ya go.

* * *

Chapter 10: The New Guy

* * *

For the past three days, the White House was abuzz with excitement. Some guy was being transferred from the L.A.P.D. to become one of the President's new agents. Millions of rumors went around from agent to agent who usually spent their time at the White House.

The most common rumors were that the guy was an ex-con, he was insane, he was retarded, or that he was married.

Today was the day for him to arrive and everyone was more excited than before.

* * *

"So did you hear, Krauser?" The brunette asked.

The older agent raised an eyebrow. "Hear what?"

"That new agent is really Nemesis!"

"Oh, my God!" There was a slight pause before Krauser continued. "Who the hell is Nemesis?"

"He's this tyrant thing created by Umbrella. I heard it from some guy who knows Claire Redfield."

"Claire? Oh, your girlfriend."

"Damn it, Krauser, she's not my girlfriend!"

"Oh, that's right. Ashley is."

"She's not either!"

"Well who is?"

"No one! I'm single at the moment."

"That doesn't surprise me."

"Shut up, Krauser..."

"Well, it's true. Sometimes you sleep in nothing but a pink boxers."

"Cuz it's sexy!"

Krauser shook his head. "No, it's not. It's gay."

Leon pointed at his friend. "Well, you're gay!"

"Leon! Krauser!"

The two agents turned their heads when their names were called.

Wesker ran up to them, seeming almost excited.

"Guys," He panted. "I know something about the new agent that no one else does!"

"...Why are you even bothering to tell us when we hate you and you hate us?" Leon asked.

"Cuz," The blond put his arms around both of the agents' shoulders. "You guys are like my family. You see, my family didn't love or hate me. They just acted as if I didn't exist. Having you guys hate me shows me that you really care."

"...So let me get this straight. Krauser and I are like your family cuz we hate you. Does that me you're showing us you care by hating us?"

"No. I just hate you." The blond took his arms off of the agents' shoulders. "Anyway, as I was saying earlier, I know something about the new agent that no one else knows."

"He's gay like Leon?" Krauser asked, then got punched in the arm by the brunette. "Ow!"

"No. He is an aced gunman and he has a black belt in karate."

Leon snorted. "Get real, Wesker. There's no such thing as a guy who has a black belt in karate and is an aced gunman."

"Well this guy is!"

One of the doors opened and Ashley entered the room.

"Leon, Krauser, Daddy wants to see you." She said, then giggled in excitement. "You two get to meet the new agent."

"Cool! Come on, Krauser!" The brunette grabbed his friend by the arm and almost literally dragged him out, knocking Ashley down in the hustle.

"Uh...what about me?" Wesker asked.

"Screw you, Wesker." The blonde replied before getting up and exiting the room.

* * *

President Graham sighed when he heard frantic footsteps coming down the hall, towards his office.

_'Five...' _He counted in his head. _'Four...Three...Two...One...Zero...'_

Right when he got to zero, the doors were thrown open and Leon, Krauser, and Ashley entered the room, shortly followed by Wesker.

"What are you doing here, Wesker?" Graham asked.

"I wanted to see the new guy." was the blond's answer.

"Oh. Well, he's not here yet."

Everyone groaned in response.

The President held up his hand. "Now, now. He'll be here shortly."

Someone knocked on the door frame, causing everyone's gaze to shift to the door.

_'Oh, my God! The new guy!' _Everyone thought.

The man at the door had to have been either as taller or an inch or two taller than Leon. His height was increased a little bit by the black hat he wore on his head with an orange band around it. His black hair came down to the small of his back and appeared to be well taken care of.

He was sporting a black trench coat, the end coming down just above his ankles. His black pants seemed tight around his thighs, showing off the defined muscles there, but was loose the rest of the way down. The black shoes he wore were shiny and brand new looking, yet Ashley could tell they were of a discontinued brand. He wore fingerless black gloves on his hands, just like every other mysterious looking guy would. His white skin tight shirt shown off his chest quite nicely. He looked tough, though his expression was hard to read with the framless black sunglasses over his eyes.

"Sorry I'm late, Mr. President. The traffic was backed up for miles." The man said, pushing some of his bangs out of his view.

"That's okay." The President stood up. "Everyone, this is Blade Stryker. Blade...this is everyone."

_'Wow, he's hot.'_ Ashley thought.

_'What's with the black and orange?' _Leon thought.

_'Oh, my God! He's hot! If anyone thinks he's hotter than me, I'll kick his ass until he looks like Michael Jackson!' _Krauser thought. _'Wait a minute...I like Michael Jackson.'_

_'So he wears sunglasses, too. Maybe I should ask him later if he wants to join the Sunglasses Club.' _Wesker thought.

_'Holy shit! That guy has the grooviest clothes I've ever seen! I've gotta ask him where he buys his clothes.' _Graham thought.

_'Why the hell is everyone staring at me like that? Oh, God, I hope those guys aren't gay. I'm so sick of homos stalking me.' _Blade thought.

President Graham cleared his throat. "Leon, Krauser, Blade. Why don't you guys take the rest of the day off to get acquainted?"

Leon's eyes went wide and a smile appeared on his face. "Really?"

"Why?" Krauser asked.

The President signaled for the two of them to come over to his desk. The two agents complied and leaned in close when Graham motioned for them to come even closer.

"As far as I'm concerned, I don't care if you guys get acquainted or not. I just want you two to make a good impression." Graham whispered. "He's staying for a week and if he doesn't like it here, he'll leave but if he does likes it, he'll stay for good. Understand?"

"What's in it for us?" Krauser asked.

"I'll give you guys a big bonus in your paycheck next week."

"Come on, Blade! Let's go have some fun!" The older agent cried, shoving Blade out the door in a friendly manner.

* * *

"I HATE red lights!" Krauser groaned.

"I know. We've been sitting here for at least ten minutes." Leon said, then looked over his shoulder at Blade. "Blade, you've been real quiet back there."

"I couldn't get a word in with him talking endlessly." Blade replied.

Krauser growled. "Don't make me come back there!"

The brunette smacked him in the back of the head. "Never mind Krauser. So, what kind of skills do ya got?"

"I'm very good with guns and I'm quite good at throwing daggers. I'm also very good at karate. I was the best in my class. After all, I got my black belt after just three weeks.

_'Three weeks! Is this guy even human?' _The brunette mentally asked himself.

_'Oh, my God! Wesker was right!'_ Krauser thought. _'But the question is...how DID he know? Maybe he's psychic like that Miss Cleo chick.'_

"Oooh! Green light!" The younger agent stepped on the gas, but not hard enough to make the Invisi-Car go over the speed limit.

"Who taught you all the stuff you know?" The older agent asked.

"Various people. Mostly I taught myself all the moves I know." The gunman answered.

"When did you join the L.A.P.D.?"

"Seven years ago."

"You seem pretty young. How old are you?"

"Twenty four."

"Twenty four! That means you were-" Krauser thought for a second. "Holy shit! You were seventeen when you joined the force!"

"That's right. So what?"

"So you were a part of the L.A.P.D.?" Leon asked, quickly changing the subject in hopes that Krauser wouldn't start freaking out about Blade's age when he joined the L.A.P.D.

"Yeah." The gunman answered numbly. "It wasn't good enough for me. I had to patrol the streets and nothing ever happens on the streets. Well...nothing _good_."

"Have you ever done something hard? Like stop a terrorist or something?"

"Stopping a terrorist is so easy, a mere child could do it. If you think it's hard, there's something wrong with you."

The brunette gripped the steering wheel tightly and his eye twitched in anger.

"Uh...Leon, how about we take Blade to our house?" The older agent suggested, hoping the drive there would calm the brunette down.

The younger agent shrugged. "Eh, why not?"

* * *

Blade raised an eyebrow. "_This _is your home?"

"Yeah. Isn't it great?" Krauser asked, sighing in contentment as he lay on the couch.

The gunman certainly didn't think their house suited as a home. It was filthier than a dumpster. Well, garbage wasn't all strewn about, but junk and clothes and dirty dishes sure were.

_'How can anyone live like this?' _Blade thought grimly. _'It's worst than the slums of L.A.'_

"Sorry about the mess." Leon said. "We've kinda gotten lazy these past few days."

_'Days? This big mess was made in just a matter of days? It looks more like weeks, if you ask me.' _Blade made a grim face when he saw a rat crawl out of a pile of dirty socks. _'Please, Lord, let me make it out of here alive.'_

"Want something to drink?" The brunette called from the kitchen.

"No." The gunman said, watching as the rat pulled a bone from a KFC container and brought it back into the dirty sock pile.

"How about something to eat?"

Blade _was _hungry, but when he saw a cockroach swimming in a tub of melted ice cream while wearing tiny swim trunks, he lost his appetite completely.

"I'm not that hungry anymore." He replied, sounding somewhat sick.

Leon walked into the room, holding a can of soda. "What's with the sunglasses?"

"What about them?"

"You haven't taken them off once since I first saw you. Do you have some kind of disease like Wesker? Well, at least I think he has a disease."

Blade sighed, closing his eyes. "If you must know..." He slowly took off his sunglasses and reopened his eyes. The irises were orange.

"Holy shit!" Leon cried, throwing his drink into the air only to have it land in the fish aquarium.

The gunman quickly put his sunglasses back on and turned away from Leon.

"I'm sorry...It's just-"

"No need to apologize." The black haired gunman. "I'm used to it. Actually, I'm more used to people saying how cool they look."

"Well, I gotta admit, they do look pretty cool. So you wanna see the rest of the house?"

"No." was Blade's quick, almost frightened, answer. "I think I'd like to go back to the White House now."

"Okay. Me and Krauser will give you a tour around the place."

"Oh, goody." The gunman said rather sarcastically.

"Krauser, get off your lazy ass!"

The only response the brunette got from Krauser was snoring.

"Grrr..."

* * *

The three men entered the White House, one of them with a big lump on his head.

"I hate you, Leon." Krauser growled.

The younger agent smiled at him. "I know you do, but you never would've gotten that lump on your head if you never fell asleep in the first place."

A sudden bark caught the three men's attention.

There was Jaws, standing near them, growling with his head lowered and his ears flattened down menacingly. His never ending grin looked more dangerous than usual.

"What is that thing?" Blade asked.

"That's Jaws." The brunette answered. "He's a Colmillo. In other words, he's a wolf infected with this thing called the Las Plagas. He'll tear your arm off if he wants to."

"Hn." The black haired gunman smirked almost deviously before he pulled a gun from the holster on his thigh, hidden by his coat, and pointed it at the Colmillo. The two agents were amazed at the size of it. The gun had to at least be a foot in length. "And _I'll _kill him if _I _want to."

The infected wolf was unafraid of the weapon. In fact, he took a daring step forward towards Blade.

"Blade, don't shoot him!" Krauser cried. This outburst made the brunette stare at him in utter disbelief. "Uh...Cuz he's the President's pet and he loves Jaws. He'll fire you if you kill Jaws."

Leon's expression went back to normal as he nodded.

"I'd like to have a word with the President about that _wolf_." Blade said, more like a demand rather than a simple statement. He returned his gun to its holster, giving the wolf an ice cold glare as he did so. _'The President is insane. If he calls that thing a pet, then he is absolutely insane. I swear, if that thing bites me...'_

"Follow me." The brunette lead the gunman out of the room.

"I'll catch up with you guys in a minute!" Krauser yelled.

Jaws whined a little bit as he trotted up to the agent and gave a small bark.

"Nice to see you, too, Jaws." The scar faced man knelt down and scratched the Colmillo behind the ears.

After the incident with the ghost, the two of them became friends, but would only act like it when no one was around.

"Jaws, I need you to do me a big favor."

Jaws stared at him, the look in his eyes saying, _What is it?_

"That guy who pointed the gun at you is a new agent and if he doesn't like it here, he'll leave and I won't get a bonus in my paycheck. That means you have to leave him alone, okay?"

The Colmillo whined loudly and lowered his head, obviously upset.

Krauser scratched the wolf behind the ears again. "I know it's not like you to leave strangers alone, but I really want that bonus. Besides, it's only for a week." The agent was suddenly hit by an idea. "Let's make a deal. If you leave Blade alone, I'll take you to the park and you can eat all the squirrels you want."

Jaws lifted his head up, his eyes shining with excitement, and barked loudly, licking the agent's face afterwards.

"Good boy. Now stop licking me!"

* * *

A week had gone by since Blade arrived and all hell broke loose. Wesker kept asking him to join the Sunglasses Club, Ashley kept hitting on him, Krauser kept praying to God that no one would think Blade was sexier than he was, Leon kept telling himself that he was better than Blade, and Jaws tried his hardest the stay out of Blade's way.

Even with all the chaos surrounding him, the gunman decided to stay. After all, it's not everyday you have the President sucking up to you just to get you to stay.

Right after the news got out that the gunman was staying, Krauser and Leon asked for their paychecks, along with their bonuses, to be handed to them in cash.

Afterwards, the older agent took Jaws to the park for his squirrel banquet. Not only did he eat many squirrels, but he also ate a cat, someone's cell phone, some lady's purse, some birds, and part of a telephone pole.

As the older agent carried Jaws into the White House because the infected wolf had a tummy ache which made it too painful for him to walk and he was too bloated, Blade began to wonder what the hell he got himself into.

* * *

Another chapter finished. For some reason, something doesn't feel right about this chapter, but maybe it's just me.


	11. Bigfoot?

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 11: ...Bigfoot?

* * *

"I hate this!" The President complained. "Why does Mommy always send me these stupid, two piece jigsaw puzzles? They're so hard!"

His whining was interrupted when there came a knock at the door.

"Hey, it's the Oval Office! Ya don't need to knock!" He yelled.

The doors opened and Blade entered the room, then quietly closed the doors behind him and stood in front of Graham's desk.

Graham smiled. "Blade, nice to see ya! You're the only smart and cool looking agent around here!"

Blade nodded as if to say hello. "An honor to hear that from you, sir."

"Say, could you help me with this two piece puzzle? I can't figure it out."

Right at that moment, the gunman wanted to sweat drop, but since this wasn't anime and it would seem weird to him, he only raised an eyebrow instead.

"Excuse me?" He asked in disbelief.

"What? It's hard! Look at it."

Blade looked down at the puzzle to see how _hard_ it was. It didn't even seem like a puzzle. All someone had to do to complete this puzzle was just to place one piece next to the other. Plus both the pieces were purple, so it wouldn't be an actual picture when completed.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not! Can't you see how hard it is?"

_'This guy is either an idiot or he's trying to mess with me, though I'm going with the first one. Either way, I'm not helping him. I have no time for simple tasks such as this.'_ The gunman scoffed mentally.

The doors burst open and Leon and Krauser walked in.

"What's the prob, Mr. Pres?" The brunette asked. "Oh, hey, Blade."

Blade raised his hand in a slight wave.

President Graham cleared his throat. "Guys, I need the three of you to camp outside on the front lawn tonight."

"Why?" Krauser asked.

"Some of the agents, and Ashley, have claimed to have seen Bigfoot walking around the front lawn. I want you guys to capture him and bring him to me. Oh, and make sure he's alive."

Blade chuckled. "Bigfoot? There's no such thing as Bigfoot. It's just nonsense parents tell their children."

"You're only saying that cuz you're a goth!" Leon cried, pointing at Blade.

Everyone stared at him while Blade himself looked like he was in disbelief about what the brunnete had just said and a bit offended.

The older agent hit his friend in the head. "You idiot! Goths are really pale! Does he look pale?"

The brunette rubbed his head where he was hit. "No..."

"Goths wear just black. Is he wearing just black?"

"No..."

"Goths are suicidal. Is he suicidal?"

"No, but not all goths are suicidal, ya know. I mean, I knew this goth awhile ago and she wasn't suicidal."

"...Oh. Well, goths always talk about death and depressing stuff! Does he?"

"No..."

"I can't believe you'd think I'm a goth." The gunman said. "Tell me, do goths have hair like this?" To prove his point, he took off his hat and flipped his hair. It shined almost like a gem and there didn't appear to be any split ends at all. Even in the artificial light of the Oval Office, it still looked beautiful.

"It's...so...BEAUTIFUL!" Krauser cried, sobbing into Leon's shoulder. Well, he wasn't actually sobbing, he was just making sobbing sounds.

The brunette pushed the older agent away. "Let's just get on with our mission."

The gunman nodded. "I agree." He said, putting his hat back on.

* * *

The three agents were tired and exhausted by midday. For hours, they kept trying to pitch their tent, but it kept falling down. It was also hot outside, making the three of them sweat like hell. Due to all the sweat, they had to take their shirts off. This made Ashley happy, who was watching from the window. She thought Krauser looked REAL good without his shirt on, but she was having a mental debate with herself about who was sexier: Leon or Blade. She just decide to leave it at a draw. That way neither man lost, but neither won.

"This is ridiculous..." The black haired gunman panted, wiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand.

"I know! Why can't we look for Bigfoot from the window?" The brunette asked.

"I think we just found him." Krauser said, looking down at Leon's feet, which earned him a fist in the side of his head.

"Oh, it's ssssssoooooooo hot!" The brunette collapsed on the ground. "I wish the sprinklers would turn on..."

As if someone had heard his prayer, the sprinklers came on.

This made the brunette smile and get onto his knees. He clasped his hands together and yelled, "THANK YOU!" to the heavens.

"I'm free!" Krauser yelled, running through the sprinklers butt naked.

Both Leon and Blade shuddered and looked away from the sight.

_'Who turned on the sprinklers?'_ Leon thought.

At the window, Ashley continued watching the sexy, wet men having fun in the sprinklers, holding a remote in her hands that had the words _remote for the sprinklers _labeled across the front.

After a few minutes, the three agents remembered they had to set up their tent. Since the ground was all wet and muddy at the place they were standing, they moved to another part of the front lawn.

They finally succeeded at setting up their tent by the time the sky had turned an orangey hue.

"We did it! Yes!" The brunette cried, punching his fist up in the air in victory.

There was an awkward silence between the three of them that last for about ten seconds.

"So what do we do now?" Krauser asked.

"Wait for Bigfoot." Blade answered, pulling his guns out in the blink of an eye.

"Where'd that second gun come from!"

"From the holster on my other leg. Idiot..." He murmured the last sentence under his breath.

* * *

The gunman, the older agent, and the younger agent sat in the tent in silence, listening for anything that sounded strange.

It was ten at night and it was pitch black outside. A few lights shone from the windows of the White House, though. There were also the lights of passing cars and the light of the lantern that sat in the middle of the tent.

The three agents were doing something to pass the time besides sitting in silence. Blade was polishing his guns, Leon was attempting to count every single hair on his head, and Krauser was carving smiley faces into little rocks with his dagger.

"When do you guys think Bigfoot is supposed to show up?" The brunette asked, loosing his count at one hundred fifty four.

"Soon." was Krauser's reply.

"Never." was Blade's reply.

The older agent stared at the gunman. "Why never?"

"Because there never _was _a Bigfoot to begin with. Either someone's lying or someone's playing a joke on us."

"He does exist! You're just not a believer! And by the way, why are you even here with us in the first place, huh? After all, you don't believe in Bigfoot."

"I have nothing better to do. I would go home and feed my dog, but I asked a neighbor to watch him for me."

Leon got excited. "You have a dog? What's his name? What breed is it?"

"His name is Daredevil and he's a Doberman."

The minute the brunette heard the word _Doberman_, he instantly shut his mouth and quickly went back to counting the hairs on his head.

Blade brushed off Leon's reaction and continued polishing his guns.

Minutes went by, the only sounds heard were passing cars, the scraping of Krauser's dagger against the hard body of rocks, Leon whispering the number of hairs as he counted, and a small 'click' sound that came from Blade's guns as he reloaded them with bullets and returned them to their holsters.

"Guys?" Krauser said.

"What?" The two men replied.

"It's so damn quiet in here!"

"Then speak, fool." The gunman said.

"I _am _speaking, you...you...guy who wears his sunglasses all the time! Why do you wear them all the time, anyway? Do you have a disease like Wesker?"

"Krauser," The brunette spoke up. "if Blade had a disease, he'd being wearing eyepatches or something, not sunglasses. Besides, Wesker doesn't have a disease. He just loves his sunglasses too much."

"...So do you have a disease?"

The gunman sighed and shook his head before grabbing his sunglasses and slowly pulled them off. The older agent's eyes went wide when he saw Blade's orange eyes.

"Holy shit!" He cried. "You _do _have a disease!"

"I don't have a disease!" Blade snapped.

"Then what the hell is wrong with your eyes?"

"Nothing. I was born with orange eyes."

"Really?"

There was an awkward silence in the tent as Krauser crawled up to Blade and stared deep into his eyes. This made Leon grin like an idiot. He actually thought the two of them were gonna kiss, so he lifted the flap of the tent and crawled out to fetch a camera. Then he screamed.

Krauser was the first out of the tent to see what was wrong; Blade came out shortly after with his sunglasses back on. The two of them stared in shock at the sight before them.

There was Leon, screaming and being dragged away by a really hairy guy with large feet who stood about eight feet in height.

"Aha!" Krauser yelled, then pointed at Blade. "I told you he existed!"

"Well, this is very unexpected." Blade replied, sounding a bit surprised.

"HELP ME, GUYS!" The brunette cried.

"I'll take care of this." The gunman pulled his guns out and aimed them at the back of the creature's head.

"Don't shoot him!" The older agent yelled. "The President said he wants Bigfoot alive!"

Blade lowered his guns. "Oh, right. I guess I'll just have to do something else..." He lifted up one of his guns once more, only he held it over his head, and threw it at Bigfoot. It hit him right in the back of the head, knocking him out and making him let go of Leon.

"I'm alive!" The brunette cried. He ran up to the gunman and hugged him. "I love you, Blade!"

"...Release me..." The venom in his voice was cold enough to make Leon let go of him and cower behind Krauser.

* * *

"Hey, Mr. President! We got Bigfoot!" Leon said happily as he barged into the President's bedroom.

Blade and Krauser came in about five seconds, carrying Bigfoot in their arms.

The President smiled. "Good work, boys!" He instructed the gunman and the older agent to put the big footed creature down.

Bigfoot slowly began to wake up. "Huh? What happened?"

Blade raised an eyebrow. "It can talk?"

Graham gasped. "Wait a minute. I know that voice...Grandpa?"

Bigfoot gasped as well. "Little Joey?"

"Grandpa!"

"Little Joey!"

The two of them exchanged a hug whilst the three agents stared in shock.

"_That's _your Grandpa?" Leon asked.

The President nodded, grinning like an idiot.

"Then why the hell were you dragging me on the ground!"

"That's how I say hi." Bigfoot said.

The President hugged his grandpa tighter. "I missed you so much, Grandpa! How was Disneyland? Did you bring me back something?"

"Guys...let's get out of here before things get weirder." The brunette said as he quickly pushed Blade and Krauser out of the room.

* * *

Now everyone knows how Blade's eyes got orange: He was born with them. I bet you guys thought he was infected or was an experiment from Umbrella or something like that. I KNOW you thought that! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.


	12. Goin' To The Mall

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 12: Goin' To The Mall

* * *

Leon and Krauser trudged into the Oval Office, vaguely wondering what mission they had to do now. Blade wasn't there yet, but frankly, they didn't really care.

"Guys, your mission is to escort Ashley to the mall." The President spoke up, pointing over at Ashley, who was spinning in a chair over by the corner.

"Where's Blade?" Leon asked.

"He's already on a mission. He's out buying me some Inuyasha stuff."

The brunette began to quietly murmur, "Lucky son of a-" but was cut off when Krauser elbowed him in the ribs.

"We'll do the best we can, Mr. President sir!" The older agent said, saluting. "Ashley, get your ass out of that chair!"

The blonde stopped spinning in the chair and stood up, wobbling around as though her legs were made of jelly.

"I'm dizzy..." She said before falling down. "Ouch! I landed on a thumb tack!"

"It it rusty?" Graham asked.

"No, but-"

"Then you'll live. Now go on and have fun at the mall, pumpkin."

"Sure thing, Daddy." The blonde said as she stood up and shook her head to rid herself of some of her dizziness.

* * *

"Lucy, I'm home!" Ashley cried as she ran inside the large shopping complex, a.k.a. the mall.

"Where to first?" Leon asked.

"Over here!" She grabbed both the brunette's and the scar faced man's hands and pulled them towards the Victoria's Secret store.

"Hey! No way am I going in there!" Krauser yelled.

"Yes, you are!" She pulled both of them as hard as she could into the store. "If you guys run away, I'll get Blade to find you and kick your asses when he gets back from his mission."

The two agents gulped and nodded in response.

"Good boys." The blonde pat both of their heads before skipping off to see if she could find a bottle of the perfume she always wore, which was always either a vanilla scented perfume or some other scent that smelt really good.

"Oh, my God..." The older agent gasped, looking around. "Look at all the panties and bras!"

"Let's feel some of them!" The brunette suggested, then realized his friend wasn't listening when he saw Krauser rubbing a whole bunch of panties against his face. "Hey, don't start the party without me!" He grabbed some panties and began rubbing them against his face as well.

"May I help you two gentlemen?" One of the employees asked.

"Naw, we're fine. We're just gonna feel up on the underwear." Krauser said.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to buy anything?"

"Buy? What the hell could we buy here?"

"There's a cologne called Too Sexy For Him. Are you interested?"

"We're not gay!"

The brunette smacked Krauser on the back of the head. "No, dumbass! The name means it's for guys! Stupid."

The employee held up a bottle of Too Sexy For Him with a sticker on the front that said _tester_. "Would you guys like to try a sample?"

Both agents shrugged.

"Sure, why not?" Leon said.

The employee sprayed a little bit on the two agents and the instant the smell of the cologne hit their noses, they nearly keeled over.

"Oh, my God!" The brunette yelled, rubbing the panties against his face again to wipe the putrid smell off.

"They should call it Too Smelly For Him!" The older agent followed suit of his younger comrade and rubbed some panties against his face once again.

"Stop that!" The employee demanded, grabbing the panties from the two agents and placing them back neatly. "There's a bathroom in the back you can use to wash it off."

"Thank you. Come on, Leon." Krauser got behind Leon and began pushing him in the direction of the bathroom.

When they finally got the scent off, they exited the store and found Ashley standing right outside, holding a bag filled to the top with lots of girly things.

"What took you so long?" She asked.

"We had to wash off that Too Sexy For Him shit." Krauser replied.

"Oh. Well, come on! More stores await!"

"Can we _please _go to Spencer's?" Leon asked, more like a whine rather than a question.

The blonde sighed. "Sure, why not?"

The two agents got behind Ashley and began pushing her until they got to Spencer's, which was when they realized they were pushing her into the window.

As they entered the store, Krauser nearly pissed himself. That's how happy he was.

"Isn't it beautiful...?" The older agent asked, looking around with his eyes filled with happiness and excitement.

The President's daughter raised an eyebrow. "Uh...yeah?"

"Hey, guys! Look what I found!" Leon cried.

The two of them turned in his direction and gasped at the spiky green wig that sat upon the brunette's head.

"That's cool!" was Krauser's reply.

"That's messed up!" was Ashley's reply.

"There's more! Come on, Krauser!" The younger agent grabbed the older one by the wrist and pulled him over to the wigs.

"What the heck?" Ashley smiled and followed the two agents. "Oooh! Look at this wig!" She held up a big, red afro and laughed at its size.

"That gives me an idea." The brunette picked up a large, pink afro and put it on, then took Krauser's beret, placed a purple afro on his head, and put his hat onto the afro. "Now stand back to back with me."

"Uh...okay." The older agent stood back-to-back with Leon, looking over his shoulder to see what the brunette was up to.

Leon made a gun with his hand and told Krauser to do that same, which he did.

"Look, Ashley! We're Charlie's Angels!" The younger agent laughed out.

"Except the third one died and we're more buff." Krauser added. "Well, _I'm _more buff." The comment earned him shove to the floor from Leon.

After looking at all the other cool/gothic/dirty things in the shop, the three of them left, heading towards the food court to get something to eat. Leon was getting them some pizza while Ashley and Krauser sat at a table and started an "interesting" conversation.

"Doesn't Leon look SO sexy?" Ashley asked, staring over at the brunette's ass, ignoring the fact he was scratching it really hard.

Krauser glanced over at him, then uttered a quick, "No." as he looked away.

"Oh, that's right. I forgot about our gender differences for a second. Sorry about that, Krauser."

There was an awkward silence between the two of them until the blonde spoke up again.

"So what's with the beret?" She suddenly blurted out.

The older man had to process what the blonde had just asked him before he said anything. "You wanna know?"

"Yeah."

"You _really _wanna know?"

"Yeah."

"Are you _sure _you wanna-"

"Just tell me already!"

Krauser held up his hands in defense. "Okay, okay! Seesh. I wear this beret cuz it looks sexy on me, okay?"

"...Okay then."

"Food's here!" Leon cried as he sat next to Krauser, nearly giving both the agent and the President's daughter a heart attack.

"Don't do that!" The older agent yelled, smacking the younger one in the back of the head.

"Ow! Don't do _that_!" The brunette yelled back, then slapped Krauser in the face with his slice of pizza.

Krauser grabbed his slice of pizza and hit his friend back with it, thus starting a pizza slapping fight.

Ashley buried her face in her hands when people began to look at the two agents as they continued slapping each other with their pizza slices.

"I wonder if Daddy's having as much _fun _as I am right now." She said, her words muffled by her hands.

* * *

"OH, GOD, HELP ME!" The President cried as he ran around the corner and down another hallway, screaming and carrying Jaws in his arms.

Shortly after he turned the corner, he was followed by a LARGE group of cockroaches, who had Las Plagas tentacles whipping out from their backs.

* * *

The two agents groaned as they followed Ashley into the elevator. Surprisingly, there was no one else in the elevator despite the mall being cramped full of people today.

They were currently on the fourth floor and they had entered the mall only a half an hour ago, but to Leon and Krauser it felt like their arrival was hours ago.

"Let's just go to the top floor and get this OVER with." The older agent said, then slid down the wall and just sat there to rest his aching feet.

"Yeah, what he said!" The brunette said, joining Krauser on the floor.

"Fine, you big babies." The blonde pushed the button for the top floor and the elevator began its journey upwards.

Leon and Krauser looked out at mall through the glass of the elevator, both of them amazed at the size of the place. Their mall gazing was cut short when the elevator abruptly stopped at the twentieth floor, which nearly made Ashley fall over.

"What the hell just happened? Why did we stop?" The scar faced man asked, looking around in a daze and in a slight panic.

"Holy crap! The elevator broken down!" The brunette cried.

"Oh, not now! Why now!" The blonde stamped her foot. "What are we gonna do?"

* * *

Ha ha ha! A cliffhanger! But anyway, I have an important announcement.

I'd just like to thank everyone who reviewed. Not once did I get a flame for this fanfic. That's right. This fanfic has no flames whatsoever. This is the very first fanfic I have ever written that never got a single flame! Anyway, thank you, everyone, for all of your comments. I'd give you some money, but I'm broke, so I'm sure another chapter would be just as good. XD


	13. Stuck In An Elevator

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 13: Stuck In An Elevator

* * *

"Guys...are we gonna die?" Krauser asked, hugging his knees to his chest as he sat in the far corner of the elevator.

"No, you idiot!" Leon smacked his forehead. "And to think you call yourself the better survivor."

"Well, I am!"

"Oh, come on! Back when we were still in training, you saw a spider one day and as I walked into the room to kill it, you were cowering in the corner, crying."

"I told you I had cologne in my eyes!"

"SURE you did."

"Shut up, you two! We have a bigger problem to deal with!" Ashley whined.

The brunette raised a brow. "And what would that be besides us being trapped in an elevator?"

"I have to tinkle..." She whispered as though people we listening in on their conversation.

"Ashley, hand me your cell phone."

"Why!"

"Cuz I need to make a call, Little Miss Tinkle."

"Oh, alright." The blonde took out her cell phone and handed it to Leon, who quickly dialed someone's number.

"Hello?" Came the President's voice, sounding shaken.

The younger agent cleared his throat. "Hey, Mr. President. Is everything alright over there? You sound shaken."

"There are killer cockroaches here! But don't worry. Jaws is taking care of them. Why did you call me?"

"We have a situation here at the mall."

"What happened! Is my little girl alright!"

"Calm down, Mr. Pres. Yeah, she's fine. We're just stuck in the elevator."

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

"I thought maybe you could send someone to help us."

"Oh, fine! But don't call me again unless something happens to Ashley. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Bye." Leon hung up and handed the phone back to Ashley.

"So...is someone coming?" She asked.

"Yeah. I just hope it's not Wesker."

* * *

A black Ford Mustang GT convertible sat at a red light not too far from the White House. The top was down and since Blade knew better, his hat sat in the passenger's seat.

He sighed heavily as he checked his watch again. Another five minutes had already gone by.

"This is ridiculous..." He muttered to no one in particular. "When is the light going to change? It's been ten minutes already..."

A loud ringing caught the gunman's attention. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his cell phone and quickly answered it before it could make even more loud and annoying rings.

_'I should download a new ringtone.'_ He thought, then began speaking. "Yes, what is it?"

"Blade, you have a new mission." It was the President.

"Right _now_?" His voice held slight annoyance.

"Yeah. Leon, Krauser, and Ashley are stuck in the elevator at the mall. I want you to go and rescue them."

"Isn't that someone else's jo-"

"Thanks, Blade! I knew you wouldn't let me down!"

Dial tone...

_'I'm really starting to wonder how those two became agents in the first place.' _Blade thought as he placed his cell phone back into his pocket.

* * *

Leon sighed in boredom as he gazed out the glass walls of the elevator again. It was starting to get boring watching everyone stare in shock that the elevator just stopped and in fright that it might drop and kill the three people inside.

Ashley was filing her nails out of sheer boredom. She didn't know how long they had been in the elevator, but by now she didn't care anymore. All she cared about right now was getting out and going home to rest after her day of shopping. Thankfully, the blonde didn't have to go anymore, but she was worried the feeling would come back...

Krauser was still huddled in the corner, thinking that there was no way things could get any worse. In his mind, being trapped in an elevator with a pretty boy who was in Play Girl and a shopaholic who was also the President's daughter was worse than being in hell for a day.

"How much longer do you think we're gonna be trapped in here?" The brunette asked, keeping his gaze glued to the scene outside of the elevator.

"I don't know, but we better get out of here soon! I'm bored!" The blonde replied, forcefully placing her nail file down.

"Do you think we're gonna-" The older agent began, but was interrupted with a quick, "No!" from his friends.

"We're not gonna die, you idiot, but if you ask that question one more time, YOU'RE gonna die!" Just as a warning, Leon threw his shoe at Krauser, who kicked it away before it could hit his face.

"Don't do that, you big bully!"

"Me? A bully? You're the bully! You kidnapped Ashley and you tried to kick my ass!"

"Oh, are you still sore about those things? They happened a long time ago!"

"Ten months is not a long time, Krauser."

"Both of you stop it!" Ashley yelled, which made both agents look at her. "Why don't we just put the past behind us and play a game to pass the time?"

Krauser smiled. "Can we play 'Push The Pretty Boy Out Of The Elevator?'"

"No! We're gonna play I Spy."

"Damn..."

"How would we push him out anyway? The door won't open."

"Easy! We break the glass with his fat head and then we push him out!"

Leon growled. "My head is NOT fat!"

* * *

Blade sighed as he pulled into the driveway of his home. _'If those idiots and Graham's daughter got stuck in an elevator, I may need backup.'_

A large Doberman with a crimson collar was resting on the front porch. He opened his eyes at the familiar sound of his master's car.

"Daredevil!" The gunman called out.

The Doberman instantly stood up and looked in the direction of the car, waiting for another command. His master motioned with his hand to come over and the dog didn't hesitate to run to the car and hop into the passenger's seat.

Since Blade knew Daredevil was going to jump into that seat, he moved his hat onto the floor ahead of time.

As the gunman backed up his car, he said to his dog, "Alright, Daredevil. You're about to partake in yet another mission, so prepare yourself."

* * *

Ashley looked at her surroundings before saying, "I spy with my little eye something blue."

"My jeans?" Leon asked.

"No."

"My underwear?" Krauser asked.

"No!"

"Oh, I give up! What is it?"

"I don't know. I forgot what it was."

The older agent threw his arms up. "Ugh! This isn't helping!"

The brunette nodded. "Yeah. What he said."

"So what are we gonna do now?" The blonde asked.

As if to answer her question, Krauser began to sing I Just Wanna Live by Good Charlotte.

* * *

"This is getting so frustrating..." Blade muttered grimly as he sat at yet another red light.

He glanced at his watch, taking note that he had been sitting at this red light for over twenty minutes already, then glanced over at his dog, who was resting his paws and his head on the door.

"You're frustrated, too, aren't you?" The gunman reached over and stroked the dog's head.

Daredevil whined softly and rubbed his head into his master's hand affectionately.

Blade noticed some man going up to every car, asking for a ride, but no one let him it. He looked like one of those charming British men in his black suit, but he had an Australian accent.

_'That guy's an idiot if he's trying to get a lift in this red light.' _His thoughts were interrupted when he realized someone was standing next to him. Looking up, he saw it was the man.

"G'day, mate." The man smiled. "My name's Luke Maxwell and I need a lift to the mall."

"You're in luck. I'm heading there, too."

"So...will you give me a ride there? If you don't, that's okay. I mean, it's only a fifteen minute walk from here."

Blade sighed. "Sure, hop in, but DON'T mess up the seat. It's made from the finest black Italian leather and I spent a lot of money on it. Daredevil, get in the back."

The Doberman obeyed his master's command and made himself comfortable in the back seat.

"Thanks, mate." Luke said as he climbed in.

"...Tell me something."

"What?"

"Why are you looking for a ride during a red light?"

"Cuz during a green light, the cars just keep going."

"Oh." Blade once again got the feeling of wanting to sweat drop, but since this isn't anime and he didn't want to look stupid, he didn't.

* * *

"Mary had a little duck, little duck, little duck..." The scar faced man sang, his voice off key and monotonous due to all the singing he had been doing the past thirty minutes.

Leon threw his shoe at Krauser yet again. "It's little _lamb_, you idiot! Little. Lamb!"

"Stop throwing stuff at me! It makes me feel unloved!"

"You ARE unloved!"

"No, he's not..." Ashley said, then crawled over to Krauser and hugged him. "I love him. Not like THAT, but in a friendly way."

The brunette nodded skeptically. "SURE you do..."

"Aww...You wanna hug, too?"

Leon held his arms wide open. "Yes, please."

The blonde giggled before letting of Krauser and leaning over to hug Leon. The hug was cut short when her cell phone began to ring. She answered it with a harsh, "What is it?"

"Honey, it's Daddy." Came the President's voice.

"Hi, Daddy!"

"Did Blade get you out of the elevator yet?"

"You sent Blade to save us? Well, at least it's not Wesker. Anyway, Blade's not even here yet."

"Damn. What could be keeping that guy?"

* * *

"So when do you think this red light is gonna change?" Luke asked.

"I don't know, but if it doesn't change in the next ten minutes, I'm going to get out of this car and run to the mall instead of wasting my life, sitting at this red light." Blade replied.

"Then what am I gonna do while you're gone?!"

"Wait until I return. If I do leave, I'm taking my keys with me, but the dog stays here to make sure you don't jack the car. If you even think about it, he will kill you without hesitation."

The man in the suit gulped nervously. "If you say so...You know, mate, it's kinda rude not to give a stranger your name."

"You didn't ask for it. It's Blade. Blade Stryker."

"Crikey, that's a bad ass name! When did you change it?"

"That's the name I was born with."

"Really? I wish I were as lucky as you. I can't believe I got stuck with the name Luke Maxwell. Then again, it sounds like an important name and I _am_ an important person."

Blade glanced over at Luke. "Just who are you exactly?"

"I'm the son of Joel Maxwell, one of the richest men in America."

"Oh, I see. Not a very interesting story."

Daredevil barked in agreement.

* * *

"I am SO bored!" Leon cried, banging his head into the wall with each word.

"Can we PLEASE play 'Push The Pretty Boy Out Of The Elevator?'" Krauser asked Ashley, clasping his hands together. "God, when did I sink so low that I had to resort to begging?"

"When you were born."

"No one asked you! Shut up!"

The blonde grunted. "Krauser, you ALWAYS want to play that game every time we go into an elevator with Leon."

Leon grinned menacingly. "I've got an idea. Why don't we play 'Push The Man In The Beret Around?'"

"Yeah!" Ashley started the game by pushing Krauser towards Leon, who pushed him back towards her.

"I hate you guys!" The older agent cried as both of his friends literally pushed him around.

* * *

"I can't believe I'm doing this..." Blade growled as he ran down the sidewalk, dodging people, dogs, and poles. "If those two morons and Graham's daughter never got themselves stuck in an elevator, I wouldn't be running to the mall, panting and sweating like a dog."

The heat from the sun and the added heat of his clothes were driving him crazy. Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore, he took off his coat and his shirt and carelessly threw them over his shoulder. He had many more coats and shirts exactly like those two, so he wouldn't have to worry about them blowing away in the wind.

All the women, including children and old ladies, gasped at the way the sweat ran over his muscles. A few of them even wolf whistled and yelled things like, "Hey there, sexy boy!" but Blade ignored them. He had a mission to do and he wanted to just get it over with and go home as soon as possible.

* * *

Leon and Ashley sat back-to-back, panting harshly due to all the pushing they did, then all the running around the elevator they did when Krauser managed to get out of their pushing range.

Speaking of which, the older agent was far off in the corner, laying on his back as he panted as well.

"Well, that was fun." He said when he got his breath back.

"So now what do we do?" The younger agent asked, almost monotonously.

"I don't know..."

"Is that...Blade?" The blonde asked, staring down at the first floor through the elevator's glass walls.

Both agents looked down as well.

WAY down on the first floor stood Blade, sweaty and shirtless.

Ashley's cell phone suddenly began to ring. She picked it up and quickly answered it. "Hello?"

"Miss Graham, I believe Kennedy, Krauser, and yourself need assistance in getting out of the elevator." It was Blade.

"Blade! I'm so glad you're-"

"Hey, Blade!" Leon yelled, holding his face close to Ashley's phone so the gunman could hear him. "We can see you! Are you here to save us?"

The gunman sighed in annoyance. "Yes. After all, you and Krauser aren't very bright."

"Well, hurry up and get us out of here!"

"As you wish, Kennedy." Then he hung up.

The three of them watched as Blade walked out of sight and a few seconds later, the elevator began moving again, only instead of it going upwards like it was supposed to, it went down to the first floor. When the door opened, the three of them stumbled out, tripping over one another while the crowd of people who were watching clapped and applauded.

"We're free!" Leon cried as he and Krauser hugged each other tightly. Both of them made sobbing sounds, yet their eyes were dry.

"Blade, how did you make the elevator work again?" Krauser asked, glancing over at the gunman.

"It was easy." Blade replied. "The on/off switch for the elevator was switched to off, so I turned it back to on."

"Oh. Who switched off the elevator!"

"Who cares! As long as we're out of there, I don't care!" Leon declared. "Now, let's get the hell out of here!"

Blade looked over his shoulder when he sensed someone standing behind him. It was Ashley, who seemed every happy. Not wanting to look like a fool like Leon and Krauser, he turned around and stood erect, keeping his feet together and his arms straight down by his sides, making himself look like an agent who was actually intelligent.

"Did you want me for something, Miss Graham?" He asked.

"I just wanted to thank you for saving me." She said. "Oh, and those two morons as well."

"It was no problem. Really, it wasn't. Even a child could-"

"I know that! By the way, it's Ashley, not Miss Graham."

"Okay...Ashley."

"That's better! Now come on! Me, Leon, and Krauser were about to go to the top floor when we stopped." She got behind Blade and pushed him into the elevator. "Come on, guys!" She did the same thing to the two other agents

"NO!" Leon and Krauser screamed as the elevator door began to close.

* * *

Poor Leon and Krauser...Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter! What am I say? I KNOW you enjoyed this chapter!


	14. Halloween Night Fun

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

Happy Halloween, everyone! So, uh...boo?

* * *

Chapter 14: Halloween Night Fun

* * *

Leon and Krauser quickly, yet quietly, made their way to the President's private library. They knew the way by heart because no one else knew about it except for the President, meaning they could go there to get away from their problems for a while and have a book throwing fight.

Upon entering the room, the sight of Halloween decorations on the walls greeted them.

The President smiled at them both. "Leon! Krauser! Glad you guys could make it."

"Hi guys!" The President's daughter smiled at them as well.

Blade greeted with a wave and a, "Yo."

"So...what's going on?" Krauser asked, staring at a black cat statue with amber eyes sitting on the floor.

"You, Leon, and Blade are gonna take my little girl trick or treating." Graham said.

The older agent's eyes went wide. "Oh, my God!"

"Krauser, it won't be THAT bad."

"No! I just remembered I left the water running in the bathroom sink!"

Leon promptly smacked him. "Thanks a lot for running up the water bill another thousand dollars this month, Krauser!"

* * *

The two agents left their house right after the sun had set.

Since they were going trick or treating with the President's daughter, they wore costumes. Leon wanted to be a ghost, but because he was flat broke and couldn't afford to buy a ghost costume, he took one of Krauser's sheets and made eye holes in it. Krauser, on the other hand, panicked and at the last minute, ran over to Ada's house and borrowed her costume, which was a gypsy outfit.

The brunette snickered every once in a while when he took an occasional glance at the older agent, but instantly shut up when Krauser reached for one of his daggers, tucked away in the glove compartment.

In the back seat sat a bag of eggs. Both the agents' philosophies were that Halloween just wasn't the same without egging some poor sucker's house. Of course, they didn't think of their victims as poor suckers. More like...easy targets.

When they finally arrived at the White House, Ashley was waiting outside for them, dressed as Princess Zelda. Blade was waiting as well, but he wore no costume.

"You ready, Ashley?" The brunette asked, holding his arm out to the blonde.

"That's princess to you!...Yeah, I'm ready." She happily took his arm and began walking with him to the sidewalk, the gunman following them close behind.

"Have a nice time, honey!" The President yelled from one of the windows, leaning out dangerously far, causing him to fall out and land in a bush.

"Hurry up, Krauser!" Leon commanded.

"I'm...hurrying!" The older agent grunted, struggling to pull the heavy bag out from the back of the car, sighing in relief when he finally got it out.

The blonde looked up at Leon. "We're gonna egg someone's house?"

"Hell yeah!" The brunette answered. "Halloween just isn't Halloween without egging someone's house."

"Let's get that guy that lives in our neighborhood who's always bitching about stuff!" Krauser piped up.

"Good idea, gypsy."

"Don't call me gypsy, damn it!"

After walking for what seemed like forever, they made it to Leon and Krauser's neighborhood.

"Take this!" Krauser, without paying attention to whose house he was aiming at, took some eggs in one hand and threw them with the other.

The brunette went wide eyed. "Krauser!"

"What!"

"That's OUR house!"

Just as the older agent was about to throw another egg, he stopped, thinking, _'Oh shit! I just egged my own house! Well...it's the pretty boy's house too, so ha!' _He quietly laughed to himself at his little theory.

"Idiot..." Blade snickered.

Ada came out of her house and stood on the sidewalk. "What's going on out here?" She called out to the group of four standing in the middle of the road.

"Nothing, Ada!" Krauser replied, embarrassed. He knew if Ada learned about what he just did, it'd be in the newspaper for sure. Probably front page. After all, the Asian woman had a cousin who is a journalist for the town's newspaper.

"The cross dresser just egged his own house." The gunman said. "I never thought I'd meet someone stupid enough to ruin his own property while sober and not realize it."

"Oh, really?" Ada smirked.

The older agent dropped to his knees and clasped his hands together. "Please don't tell your cousin about this!"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"Because we're friends..."

"Krauser, you tried to kill me one time!"

Leon and Ashley gasped and stared at the older agent. Blade made a sound of interest and also stared at Krauser, an eyebrow raised.

"I forgot, okay! Man, you forget someone's allergic to peanuts and they never let you forget it."

The brunette slapped his forehead, the blonde shook her head, and the black haired agent sighed in annoyance, looking away from the scar faced man.

The Asian woman thought for a moment, then snapped her fingers. "I won't tell Xiolee about this under one condition."

Krauser's expression almost seemed to show great gratitude. "Name it!"

"You give me half of your candy."

"But..."

"You heard me."

"Fine, you sexy bitch! I'll give you half of my damn candy!"

"Well, have fun, you guys." As Ada began to walk back to her house, she turned around. "Oh, and Krauser, try not to rip the seat of those pants."

"I'll try!"

"Hey, Krauser, there's a penny on the ground..." The brunette chuckled.

"A penny! Where?!"

RIP!!!

"Ah! My pants! You asshole!"

* * *

Hours later, two of the agents and the President's daughter headed back to the White House. Blade left when the trick or treating was declared over, saying something about having to get himself an anti-stupidity vaccine and that he enjoyed the little show Krauser put on. Krauser had to leave as well to deliver half of his candy over to Ada's and to get himself into a pair of his own pants.

Now it was just Leon and Ashley.

"I had a fun time trick or treating with you tonight, Leon." The blonde giggled as she and the brunette agent stood at the front door.

Leon nodded. "I had fun, too."

"Yeah, it was fun."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence loomed in the air for a few seconds before Ashley quickly gave Leon a peck on the lips. After realizing what she had done, the blonde began to blush.

"Well, uh...good night." But just as she was about to open the door and go inside, Leon grabbed her arm.

"Wait, Ash." Almost beginning to blush himself, the brunette slowly inched his face toward Ashley's. He could just feel the heat going to his face, but he ignored it.

By now, Ashley was beginning to blush even harder and she wished she had chosen a costume with a mask or something to hid the redness in her face.

The President, who was leaning out the window again, gasped at the sight. There was Leon, trying to rape his poor, defenseless daughter. At least that's what he thought. "Oh, my God! Leon's trying to rape my daughter! Sic him, Jaws!"

The minute Leon heard the President's yelling, he pulled away from Ashley, upset that he wasn't able to get his kiss. He was going to apologize to her, but the sound of a certain Colmillo's barking and quickly approaching footsteps on the dead leaves made him sprint for his life to his car.

"Daddy!" The blonde glared over at the window the President was leaning out of, growling slightly.

"He was trying to rape you!" was the Graham's lame excuse.

"He was not!"

"He wasn't? Oh, shit. This isn't good. I sent Jaws after him for nothing. Oh well. I'm just gonna watch Jaws try and claw his way into Leon's car."

Ashley sighed. "Well...Good night, Leon!" She waved at him, then headed inside, mentally reminding herself not to share a kiss with Leon anywhere near her father.

* * *

Sorry I haven't updated in, like, a very long time. I had stuff to do. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! And again I say Happy Halloween!


	15. Get The Turkey!

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Save me some cranberry sauce and sweet potatoes, okay?

* * *

Chapter 15: Get The Turkey!

* * *

Krauser smiled like an idiot as he ran his hands over the leather seats of Blade's convertible.

"SO smooth..." He said, completely forgetting the fact that they had already spent the past twenty minutes at the same red light.

"Stop that." Blade growled, keeping his eyes on the light.

"Yeah, Krauser! You've been rubbing your hands all over the seats ever since we got in the car!" Leon barked at the older agent.

"Remember that we have a mission to accomplish and it's to get a turkey from the store, not to get as much bodily oil on my seats as humanly possible."

"Oh, whatever." The older agent crossed his arms over his chest and tapped his foot.

The light finally changed to green and the gunman hit the gas as quickly as he could without making the car accelerate over the speed limit.

"Step on it, Blade, before all the turkeys are gone!" Krauser cried.

"I am NOT going to go over the speed limit just to get a turkey!" The black haired agent growled.

The older agent stepped on the foot that was on the gas as hard as he could.

The car swerved and as Blade got it under control, Leon moved over so that he was behind Krauser and put him in a tight headlock so he wouldn't do something stupid again.

Since they had just arrived at the store when the car was finally under Blade's control, he parked right outside and rested his head on the steering wheel to catch his breath.

Krauser was about to open his mouth and say something when Blade just went right down his throat and began saying things like, "What were you thinking!" and "What is _wrong _with you!", but mostly just, "You could've gotten us killed, you jackass!"

"I'm sorry..." The older agent croaked. The brunette in the back was cutting off his airway and his vision was starting to get dark. "Please let me go..."

"Okay." The brunette let go of the older agent's neck and slapped his on the back of the head to remind him not to act like a jackass again. "Damn retard."

The three agents entered the store, Blade walking ahead the two older agents.

"Alright," He began. "Since I know how you two are, I want you both to stay by the magazines while I go get the turkey."

The gunman didn't realize that while he was speaking, Leon and Krauser snuck over to the shopping carts and started racing them. Though, he found out the hard way when Leon's cart went off course and hit him in the back, hard. The force was enough to knock him down.

"Sorry!" Leon chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I can't wait for this mission to be over." Blade growled as he got back to his feet and brushed off his trench coat.

"Come on, men! To the turkeys!" The brunette commanded, pointing in the direction of the turkeys.

Krauser nearly gasped when he saw there was only one turkey left. He had to grab it and fast before someone else got their hands on it.

Sprinting as fast as he could, the older agent made a dash for the turkey. With all the strength he had left, he leapt forward, his arms outstretched to grab the featherless fowl. Just when he was within reach, the turkey was grabbed by someone else and the man wearing a beret hit the floor with a loud thud.

"Huh?" Krauser looked up, wanting to badly to kick the ass of whoever stole the fowl from him. "Ada?"

The Asian woman smirked down at him. "Long time, no see, Jacky."

The older agent nearly felt a vein pop in his head. "Don't call me Jacky."

"Ada! What do you think you're doing with our turkey?" Leon asked.

Ada chuckled. "_Your _turkey? If it was _your _turkey, it would already be in your hands, now wouldn't i-" She was unable to finish her sentence when Krauser tackled her from behind, knocking the turkey out of her arms and making it skid across the floor.

"I've got it! I've got it!" It was the brunette's turn to literally take a dive for the turkey. He leapt towards it and, unlike Krauser, successfully grabbed it. He stood up and held the fowl high over his head, as if it were a sacred item. "I got it! Yes!"

Unfortunately for the pretty boy, the Asian woman grabbed the turkey from him with a, "Yoink!" and darted down the aisle that a guy was guaranteed to stay away from: the aisle that held feminine hygiene products.

"Oh no. She went down the forbidden aisle." Leon shuddered at the words.

"What do we do?" Krauser asked as he walked towards the brunette agent, hoping he had a plan.

"I have no ide-"

"Kennedy!" Came Blade's voice.

Both agents looked down the 'forbidden aisle' and nearly passed out when they saw Blade standing there, holding the turkey in his arms. Ada was tied up in torn up pieces of cloth that used to be Blade's coat.

"Oh, my God! Blade got the turkey! And from the forbidden aisle, too!" The brunette cried.

"Yeah! AND he tied up the bitch in the red dress!" Krauser jumped up and down as he spoke.

"Uh...Krauser? Ada's not wearing a dress. She's not even wearing red!"

"Oh, you know what I mean! Now it's time to celebrate!"

The gunman stared at the other two agents as they began hugging each and hopped up and down at the same time, then let go of each other after they realized what they were doing and where they were. He shook his head at their actions with a msall chuckle and began walking away from the bound Asian woman.

"Give me back my turkey!" Ada yelled, wiggling on the floor in a sad attempt to catch up with Blade. "Haven't your parents taught you never to tie up a lady!"

Blade stopped and looked over his shoulder at her. "It's acceptable if it is necessary." With that said, he kept on walking.

"Why you!" Ada growled, then struggled harder to free herself.

"Good work, Blade!" Leon said as the gunman walked by.

"Come on, pretty boy!" The older agent cried as he got behind the brunette and began pushing his towards the check out line Blade was heading towards. "No time for talk! Just move it before we get ambushed!"

"You move it!" The younger agent grunted as he got behind Krauser and began pushing him.

Krauser turned around and both agents clasped their hands around the other's necks. Leon was able to knock Krauser down, but due to the older agent's size, he was able to flip the brunette onto his back. He quickly took the opportunity and straddled Leon and began to choke him once more.

A crowd of people watched as the two of them fought, the men cheering on either Leon or Krauser and the women drooling over the two agents' current position. Even Ada was fascinated by the sight and completely forgot about the turkey.

By the time Blade was done paying for the turkey, the two agents had tired themselves out and were laying on the floor, panting.

"You idiots." Blade said as he passed them both on the way to the exit. _'But wait. If they kill each other, someone's gotta get their paychecks and that someone is me.' _He grinned._ 'Life is great.'_

"Wait for us!" Leon cried, standing up, but was shoved down by Krauser as he stood up.

They both continued the shove each other until they reached Blade's car.

"Stop shoving each other and get in!" The gunman snapped.

The annoyance in his voice was enough to get Leon and Krauser to stop shoving each other and scramble over one another to get in the car before Blade got pissed.

They had just begun to drive away when a red car came speeding towards them, hitting the back of the convertible with the front corner.

The force of the impact was enough to make Leon lurch forward and bang his head of the back of the driver's seat.

Blade took a quick glance at the back of his car, then towards the car that ran into him. In the driver's seat sat Ada, who apparently got out of her bonds quicker than expected.

"You!" He yelled, narrowing his eyes. "You just ruined my car!"

"Well, I hope you have insurance." Ada smirked before stepping on the gas, going at top speed towards the convertible.

Blade was quicker, though. He put the car in reverse and turned left, avoiding a most likely fatal collision with the Asian woman's car.

"Step on it, Blade!" Krauser cried.

"I'm on it." The gunman put the car back into drive and sped down the road before Ada could even turn her car around.

"She nearly killed us because of the stupid turkey! Stupid, red dress wearing bitch!" The older agent shook his fist in the air for effect.

The three of them thought they were in the clear until they saw a red light coming up.

"Oh...no..." Leon moaned.

"Hang on, Kennedy. We're passing it." Blade said.

The brunette's eyes widened to nearly twice their normal size. "Say what!"

"You heard me, Kennedy." With that said, the black haired agent stepped on the gas as hard as he could, nearly crashing into another car as they passed under the red light.

"Oh, my God! Foot long did it!" Krauser cheered.

Blade glanced at Krauser. "'Foot long?'"

"Yeah. Because of your guns being a foot long."

Leon chuckled. "I thought you meant something else."

Blade shuddered. "I HOPE you didn't mean something else."

The scarred man shuddered. "Ew! Shut up, asshole!"

* * *

"Isn't that a lovely turkey?" President Graham asked as Ashley placed it on the table. "You boys should be proud of yourselves."

"Yeah, whatever. Now gimme some turkey!" Krauser cried, shaking his fist in the air again.

Next to the table, Jaws and Daredevil stood on their hind legs with their forepaws on the table, staring in awe at the turkey.

In fact, Jaws was so infatuated with the roasted fowl that he completely forgot he was wearing a pink bow on his head, placed there by the President's daughter, who wanted him to look cute for Thanksgiving dinner. She also placed a little Pilgrim hat on Daredevil's head while Blade was out with Leon and Krauser.

"Let's eat!" Graham yelled, grabbing his fork and his knife.

Both the President and Krauser ate sloppily and Leon wanted to as well, but Blade was eating more politely and that made Ashley glance over at him more and giggle.

_'How dare he hit on my woman!' _The brunette thought angrily. _'I'll kick his ass! But not in front of Ashley because she'll hate me if I do. Nah, I'll just stick to eating more like a gentleman.' _And he did just that and was happy when Ashley glanced more his way than Blade's.

Jaws occasionally whimpered, staring up at Krauser with big, puppy dog eyes and that monstrous grin, which somehow seemed sadder than usual. Every time he did, Krauser would ignore him, then the Colmillo would place his paw on the agent's knee and whimper louder, then the agent would give in and pass the Colmillo a piece of food when no one was looking.

Daredevil, on the other hand, didn't need to beg. His master gave him food right off of his plate without having to be informed that his dog needed to be fed.

It was all peaceful and nice until it was time for dessert.

"Oh no." Graham said. "I forgot to ask you guys to get some pumpkin pie when you went to get the turkey. Could you go back to the store and get us one?"

The three agents just stared at the President for a moment before getting up and leaving, followed by Daredevil. They didn't go to the store, but instead went home, not wanting to go back to the store and bump into Ada again and have her try and steal the pie from them.

* * *

Uh...I have nothing to say except for Happy Thanksgiving!


	16. Runaway Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 16: Runaway Part I

* * *

Krauser ran down the halls of the White House as fast as he could, making sure not to spill the coffee that was in his hands or else the President would be pissed.

The agent took as many shortcuts as he knew, including the secret elevator way in the back of Ashley's closet. Well, the elevator _was_ a secret until both he and Leon found out about it.

Finally, he reached the Oval Office.

As he threw open the doors, he tripped over Jaws, who was just laying there, and spilled coffee all over the expensive carpet.

"KRAUSER!" Graham roared.

"Yes, Mr. President?" Krauser's voice was meek, almost pathetic.

"You're paying for that carpet! Unfortunately for you, that carpet was so expensive that on your salary, you would have to work for me for the rest of your life! Even then you still wouldn't have enough money to pay for the carpet!"

"Then how can I pay for it?"

"You can pay by getting out of this office right now!"

"I pissed in that coffee anyway!" The agent slammed the door shut as he exited. "I'm gonna go see what Ashley's up to."

He made his way to the blonde's room and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Came Ashley's voice.

The scar faced man kicked open the door and walked inside, taking a seat on the bed next to Ashley.

"What's going on?" He asked.

Ashley giggled. "I'm writing a story. It's a...love story." When those last two words were spoken, she broke out into a small blush.

"Let me see!" Krauser took the laptop from the girl and began to read it, but accidentally dropped it when he was about to press the down arrow key, his eyes nearly going wide when the laptop broke and smoke came from the cracked screen.

"NO!" The blonde cried, then got on her knees and picked up the computer. "I never even got to save..."

"Uh...I'm sorry?"

Krauser immediately regretted speaking when Ashley slowly turned her head and glared daggers at him.

"Get...out..." She growled, pointing at the door.

The agent didn't hesitate for one second as he got off the bed and scrambled towards the door, shutting it behind him. He was grateful towards himself when he heard something smash against the door and not the back of his head.

"Okay...Maybe pretty boy wants to hang out with me."

He went outside, where both Leon and Blade were washing one of the President's long limousines. Even though it was fall, it was quite hot out and both agents were wearing nothing but their pants and their shoes, but Blade was still wearing his sunglasses.

"Hey, pretty boy!" Krauser called out as he walked towards his fellow agents. He nodded at Blade, saying, "Foot long." instead of a polite hello.

The brunette smiled. "Hey, Krauser! How are ya?"

"I'm bored! Can I help you guys wash the limos?"

Leon looked at Blade. "Should we, Blade?"

"No." The gunman said rather quickly.

"Sure, you can help, Krauser. But just be-"

"Whoa!" The older agent cried as he slipped on a sponge and banged his head on the limo, instantly knocking him out.

"Idiot." Blade chuckled, finding the oddly loud sound of Krauser's head hitting the vehicle funny.

The brunette agent nearly choked on his own spit when he saw a clear imprint of Krauser's face in the side of the limo.

"Holy shit!" He cried. "Look at that!"

Blade's eyes widened behind his sunglasses at the imprint. He could barely speak, yet was still able to say, "That...moron...left a dent...in the limo..."

"Not a dent. An imprint of his big, ugly face." Leon began to panic when he realized that even though it was Krauser's face in the limo's exterior, both he and Blade would be in much bigger trouble than the older agent because it was so obvious that the President would think they just let him smash his face into the limo. "We've gotta do something!"

"I know something." Blade now stood over Krauser, a leg on either side of the older agent so that he was directly underneath the black haired agent. He grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and punched him right in the jaw. "Wake up, you moron!"

Krauser instantly awoke and suddenly found his face just mere inches away from the imprint of his face.

"Hey...it's my face..." He said in an almost drugged out voice.

Leon pointed at the imprint. "Because of you, WE'RE gonna pay for that! Just get out of here and bug someone else."

The gunman promptly tossed the scarred man several feet away, cracking his knuckles and his neck afterwards.

Krauser laid there for a few seconds before standing up and walking back inside. Now what was he to do? Everyone was acting bitchy towards him, like they didn't want him around.

"No one likes me anymore..." He sniffled, then went into the bathroom to grab a towel. He laid it out neatly on the floor and placed a bunch of things in the center. "I'm gonna run away and I'm taking this stuff with me even though it's not mine."

He went into a few other rooms to grab some more things to take with him, wherever he was going.

As he exited the bathroom one last time to grab a few more items, he noticed a picture sitting on the mantle.

In the picture, Ashley was holding onto one of Leon's arms, smiling as she rested her head on his shoulder. The President was giving the brunette a death glare because he probably thought Leon was thinking of raping his daughter or something, and the brunette had a nervous look on his face. Blade was looking serious as always with his arms crossed over his chest, but instead of looking away from the camera like everyone thought he would, he stared directly into the lens. Krauser was giving Leon the bunny ears, grinning brightly. Jaws looked like he wanted to kill whoever was holding the camera, that endless Colmillo grin looking as vicious as ever.

The scar faced man stared at the picture a few seconds longer before placing it face down and going back to what he was doing.

Suddenly, it hit him. He forgot a note! Sighing in frustration, Krauser grabbed a pen and paper and wrote down everything needing to be said. He checked it over and when he was satisfied, he taped the note on the bathroom door. He knew someone would have to use the bathroom eventually and that's when they'd see the note and tell everyone else about it.

Placing the last few items on the towel, he wrapped it up and slung the towel over his shoulder like a bag.

Right as he was about to leave he heard the familiar sounds of paws padding along the floor.

"I'm leaving, Jaws." The agent said without turning to the Colmillo. "I'm running away and I'm never coming back because no one like me anymore."

Jaws trotted up to the man and lightly pawed at one of his legs, staring up at him and whimpering ever so slightly. It was his way of saying that he loved Krauser. This little sign of affection may have been as just stated; small, but to Krauser it was something more. It was proof that someone DID care. That certain someone wasn't human, but that didn't matter. Animals aren't even the kind of creature to judge one just from something they like or how they act and they didn't act like an ass towards you when you did something idiotic.

Krauser bent down and petted the infected wolf on his head. "You wanna come with me?"

The wolf responded by rubbing his face hardly into the agent's leg.

"Okay, okay! I get it! Stop rubbing your Colmillo scent into my leg!" The agent opened the door, letting the Colmillo go first, then he walked out, taking a glance back into the White House. "Bye, guys." He slowly shut the door and walked across the lawn, Jaws ahead of him by a foot.

The Colmillo looked both ways before crossing the street. It's wasn't the "twelve lanes and no island" street for Jaws knew better than to try and cross that deadly road.

"Wait for me!" Krauser cried as he ran across the street to catch up with Jaws. He had to tie his shoe a few seconds ago and that really slowed him down due to Jaws' fast pace.

Jaws stopped and waited for the agent to make it across the street, plopping down on the ground and watching the man nearly getting hit by a car a few times. He got back on his feet when the agent finally made it across.

The agent looked down at his big mouthed companion. "Well, Jaws, now it's us against the world. Think you can handle that?"

The Colmillo just stared at him for a few seconds, then began to walk away.

Krauser raised his fist in the air. "That's the spirit!" He began to run, passing the Colmillo easily. "Come on, Jaws!"

In an instant, Jaws was running right beside Krauser. He didn't want to go too fast or else the man would lag behind and they'd get separated.

The two of them ran off into the now setting sun, both of them happy. Even though they didn't have their own personal possessions, they at least had each other.

Of course, the moment was ruined when Krauser tripped over his poorly tied laces and hit the ground hard, giving himself a bloody nose.

* * *

Well, I have nothing to say other than review and that we must find a girlfriend for Havoc!


	17. Runaway Part II

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 17: Runaway Part II

* * *

"LEON!"

The brunette nearly went deaf when he heard the blonde's loud cry. He was also nearly killed when he was about to exit the room to see what was wrong and Ashley opened the door...right in his face.

"Ashley!" Leon growled, rubbing his sore face. He regretted talking so harshly towards the girl when he saw tears running down her face. "What's wrong?" He asked in a gentler tone.

She handed him a note. "Read this..."

"'Dear everyone," Leon began, standing up. "'I have recently discovered that no one wants me around anymore, so I'm leaving. This time it's for real...Seriously, I'm not kidding. I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. Oh, and I took some of your stuff. I didn't think you guys would mind. Love, Krauser, the guy no one wants around anymore.'"

"What's going on?" The dark gunman asked upon entering the room. "I heard screaming."

"Krauser ran away and I think Jaws did too cuz I can't find him anywhere!" The blonde sobbed.

"Ran away? I didn't think running away was a commando's style."

The brunette ran out the door and then ran back in when he realized Ashley and Blade weren't following.

"Come on, guys!" He barked at them. "We have to go find Krauser!"

Blade nodded and Ashley nodded herself as she said, "Right."

* * *

Over in the park, Krauser sat on a bench, holding his growling stomach and moaning. Also on the bench, with his head in the agent's lap, was Jaws, whimpering from hunger.

The towel and the possessions within it Krauser brought with him were gone; taken by someone who had been a runaway much longer than he had.

"How LONG have we been gone?" The man glanced at his watch. "Only five hours...Oh, I never should've ran away. Well, it's not too late to go back..."

But the things that the others said came back into his mind in a flash. He couldn't go back after what they said. If he did, he'd prove to them that he couldn't survive in the world on his own. Technically, he wasn't alone since Jaws was with him, but he was a wolf infected with the Las Plagas, so he didn't count.

_'I can. I CAN make it. I CAN make it without them! They're nothing to me!'_

"They nothing to me!" Krauser cried as he stood up, his fist raised. The action made the Colmillo fall off the bench and people in the area were looking at him oddly.

* * *

It was already a week since Krauser and Jaws left and there was still no sign of them.

Leon, Blade, and Ashley placed posters all over the place. Ones that the President made himself. You could tell just by looking at them. Krauser's posters said _Have you seen this dog? _and Jaws' posters said _Have you seen this man?_

At night, the three of them would gather flashlights and look for them both. Blade brought Daredevil with them, but the Doberman wasn't able to pick up the duo's scent at all.

It was starting to seem like a lost cause...

"Oh, we'll never find them!" Ashley cried after another hard day of searching and putting up posters.

"Don't say that, Ashley. We'll find them." Leon said, sounding as if he were trying to reassure himself instead of Ashley.

"She might be right." Blade said. "Surely someone would've seen one of them by now and called."

"Hey...Blade's right. Someone should've seen them by now! I wonder..." The brunette picked up one of the posters that were left over and looked it over for some kind of contact information. There was none. "The President forgot to put contact info on these posters!"

"What!" The blonde grabbed the poster from the brunette, causing him to get a nasty paper cut, and examined it while Blade read over her shoulder. "You're right, Leon."

"You gave me a paper cut!" Leon shook his hand in an attempt to make the stinging sensation go away.

"I don't care!" The President's daughter snapped at him. "Excuse me while I go scream at my father."

The minute the blonde was out of view, both agents heard her scream, "DADDY!" as loud as humanly possible. Everything made of glass in the room either cracked or shattered. Even Blade's sunglasses cracked.

"Wow..." The brunette said as he stared at the gunman's cracked shades.

Blade removed them and just stared at the large cracks for a few seconds before casually tossing them over his shoulder. His sunglasses landed right into the wastebasket. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a spare pair, but to the gunman's dismay, they were cracked, too. One of the lens had shattered completely and the remains sat in his pocket.

The black haired agent sighed. "Great. Now I have to get new sunglasses."

Leon gasped excitedly. "Blade, put them on, then you'd look kinda like that dude from Gungrave."

"I have no time for cosplay, Kennedy." Blade walked to the door, dropping his second pair of sunglasses into the wastebasket as he passed it. "I'm going to go buy some more sunglasses. You keep searching for the mongrel. Oh, and the Colmillo, too."

* * *

The rain poured down mercilessly and it seemed that with every drop that hit the ground, it got colder as if each raindrop were colder than the last.

Two figures sat in a dark alley, cold, hungry, and wet.

Krauser held a newspaper over his and the Colmillo's heads to keep them dry, but it didn't help much at all.

The Colmillo whimpered and scooted closer to the man, rubbing the side of his face into his chest for warmth, but it seemed all the heat had left the homeless agent's body.

"I know, Jaws. I want the warm, too." Krauser said, shaking off the newspaper and holding it over their heads again. "I wish I never ran away. Most of all, I wish I never brought you along. Then we wouldn't be sitting here in a dark alley at night in the rain. Look at us. I smell like dead fish and I have stubble on my face. You smell like something that died and sat outside on a warm summer's day and your fur's all in knots."

Jaws took his face out of Krauser's chest and growled at him.

"Don't blame me that animals smell worst than people do when they're wet and dirty." The scarred man tossed the newspaper away and stood up, shivering now that the rain was hitting the flesh exposed through the rips in his clothes. "Come on, Jaws. Let's go see if we can find something that can shelter us from the rain."

As the man walked away, the Colmillo gave a small whimper before following him. But just as he had placed one paw out of the alley, Jaws was smacked in the face by a wet piece of paper. Growling, he shook it off. It landed with a wet slapping sound into a puddle and after Jaws had shook his face dry, he was puzzled after seeing Krauser's face on the paper. There were also words on it, but the Colmillo could not understand the written form of human language. At least not in English. Spanish was the only written human language he could read, considering where he came from. Unfortunately, there was no Spanish translation on the paper anywhere, so Jaws could not read it.

"Jaws, come!"

The infected wolf instantly looked up from the paper and at the scarred man when he heard his name being called. Krauser was tapping his foot impatiently on the other side of the street, waiting for the Colmillo to pick up the pace.

Thinking Krauser could interpret what the paper said, Jaws snatched it up with his oversized mouth and trotted over to the man, dropping the paper onto one of his shoes when he got across the street.

"What the?" Krauser picked up the paper and raised a brow when he saw his face staring back at him. "They're...looking for me?" He was touched that the others were looking for him. It meant they really did care about him and they were worried.

The Colmillo stared up at his human companion, a curious look on his face. He wondered why the man seemed so...happy.

"Jaws," The scar faced man smiled down at the wolf. "it turns out the others do care about me. This means we can go home." Krauser nearly laughed out loud when Jaws started running around him as fast as he could, barking happily until he slipped on a puddle.

But there was a problem. The two of them were so far from home. They didn't know how far, but they just knew. Too bad they didn't know how wrong they were...

* * *

Blade had almost finished editing all the posters when Ashley and Leon came in, arguing about whether or not they should look for Krauser and Jaws due to the storm outside.

"We have to look for them!" Ashley cried. "If we don't find them soon, they could die!"

"But look at the weather outside! It's raining cats and dogs!" Leon retaliated.

"We can still look for them!"

"No, we can't!"

"Yes, we can!"

"No, we can't!"

"We can!"

"We can't!"

"We CAN!"

"We CAN'T!"

"We-"

Blade stood up and slammed his hands of the table, growling, "Enough!" with venom in his voice stronger than a rattlesnake's.

The blonde and the brunette instantly shut up and stared at him.

The gunman took a quick breath to calm himself before he continued. "Miss Graham is right. You should go out and look for them."

"But it-" The brunette was silence when Blade put his hand up.

"Look, Kennedy, Krauser's your friend and if he really is a friend to you, then you have to go out there and look for him. Even if he's not, you should at least save that wolf if you want to keep your job."

Ashley crossed her arms over her chest and smirked at Leon. "See? Blade agrees with me."

Leon growled. "I swear, Ashley Graham, if you weren't so hot, I'd kick your ass. But you are, so I won't." The brunette nearly jumped out of his skin when the door flew open.

"Guys!" Wesker cried as he ran into the room. "I know where Krauser and Jaws are!"

"You...do?" The blonde choked, tears brimming her eyes.

"Yeah, I do. Look out the window!"

The three agents and the President's daughter gathered at the window and outside was a man dressed in the same commando attire as the older agent and there was a large canine as well. They both had a wet paper over their faces and they were running around as if they were chickens with their heads cut off.

Blade nodded. "That is most certainly them."

Ashley clasped her hands together. "Krauser! Jaws!" Without waiting one more second, she quickly opened the window and jumped out. The minute she landed on the ground, she threw her arms open and ran towards the two, screaming their names.

"Here it comes..." The brunette agent chuckled.

The blonde clung to the older agent as if he'd go away again if she let go.

"Oh, Krauser, I missed you!" She sobbed.

"Ashley?" The scarred man pulled the paper off of his face and looked down at the blonde girl clinging to him and sobbing. "Ashie!" He cried happily. He hugged her tightly, nearly breaking the girl's spine at his strength.

"Oh, I can't take this. Krauser!" Leon jumped out the window in the same fashion as he did on his mission in Spain and ran towards the President's daughter and the older agent. "Krauser!"

Krauser instantly shoved Ashley away from him and ran to the brunette, happy to see his dear friend again.

When both agents were a few feet away from each other, they opened their arms to hug one another, but then Leon slipped on a puddle and sent both himself and the scar faced man down into the mud.

"Uh..." The younger agent groaned.

"Oh, Leon, I didn't know you cared." Krauser said is a mock happy voice.

For a couple of seconds, Leon didn't understand what he meant until he realized he was on top of him. With a gasp of shock and slight humiliation, he scrambled off of the older agent and shuddered.

"How'd you get back here, Krauser?" Ashley asked after helping the Colmillo get the paper off of his face.

"Hmm..." Krauser thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. I remember coming out of an alley and Jaws found one of the posters. We were trying to find our way home when suddenly a paper landed on my face. I thought I went blind and I began to run around and scream."

"I'm surprised we didn't hear you." The blonde raised her brow when she noticed the brunette agent began to giggle. "What's so funny, Leon?"

"Uh, Krauser, was _that _the alley you were in?" Leon pointed across the street at the alley that looked exactly like the one Krauser and Jaws were in.

"Uh...it was foggy?" The older agent chuckled nervously, then wanted to kick himself in the ass for not realizing the White House was right there and he didn't realize it, but decided to just mentally kick himself instead of physically.

"Well, it's good to have you back, scar." The younger agent held his hand out.

The older agent just stared at the hand for what seemed like forever before a smile slowly made its way onto his face and he took it and shook hands with the smaller man.

"Good to _be_ back, pretty boy."

"Krauser."

Both agents looked back towards the White House to see who called the older one's name. It was Blade, who was standing just a few feet away.

"Foot long!" The scarred man cried happily. He stood up and ran the short distance towards the dark gunman. "How've you been, foot lo-"

"Just be quiet a moment." When he was sure Krauser wouldn't interrupt him, he continued speaking. "You should be ashamed of yourself for doing something as stupid as this. And you just had to drag that Colmillo in with you, didn't you?"

"But he-"

"I don't want to hear it. You worried everyone and you made Miss Graham cry. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Uh...Leon's an ass?"

Blade sighed and shook his head. "You never change, Krauser." He held his hand out. "But I welcome you back even though my life seemed easier with just one idiot around instead of two."

"Aw...Foot long wants a hand shake..." Krauser laughed and grabbed the gunman's hand, then decided to do something funny and pulled the black haired agent towards him and wrapped his arms around him in a tight bear hug.

"Krauser!" The gunman growled. "Let go of me this instant!"

"Hell no, foot long!"

Wesker, who had decided to take the slow way and go all the way to the front door instead of jumping out the window, got an almost evil smirk on his face, which looked hot to Ashley.

"Dog pile!" He yelled, tackling Krauser and Blade to the ground. "We missed you, scar!"

"I actually missed you, too, slick back." The scarred man laughed.

"Bonsai!" The brunette cried as he leapt on top of everyone.

Ashley smiled as she watched the guys all rolling on top of one another.

_'It's good to have Krauser back.'_ She thought. _'Now there's three hot guys to stare at again. Oh, and Wesker whenever he's around.'_

Jaws just sat there, staring at all the commotion. He was feeling left out, so he began to chase Ashley to rid himself of the awkward left out feeling.

* * *

Ah...I'm finished! I hope you enjoyed the chapter! XD


	18. Chaotic Christmas

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 18: Chaotic Christmas

* * *

Snow fell gently from the sky and covered everything exposed in a thin white blanket. The temperature was cold, but not cold enough for someone to get instant hypothermia upon exiting a building or their vehicle.

It was the day before Christmas and there was much excitement in the air, as well as honking horns and the screaming of impatient, last minute Christmas shoppers.

_'Where is that girl?' _Leon mentally asked himself, looking around for the President's daughter. He had already been waiting outside the mall for well over ten minutes and if he had to wait a minute more, the numbness in his face would surely drive him mad.

"Leon!" Came the blonde's loud cry.

The brunette gave a happy sigh as he watched Ashley run towards him, then trip, then get up and start running towards him again.

The blonde giggled. "Sorry I'm a little late, Leon. Jaws was huddled in my coat and he wouldn't give it up without a fight."

"That's okay, Ashley. Let's just get this last minute Christmas shopping over with so we can go back to our homes and rest our fat asses in front of the fireplace."

As the agent walked inside the large shopping complex, Ashley glanced down at her ass to see if it really was fat, then went inside.

"Oh! Victoria's Secret!" The girl squealed. Before the brunette could protest, the blonde grabbed his arm and dragged him inside.

"Who are you shopping for in here?" Leon asked.

"Me!"

"...Forget I asked."

While Ashley was grabbing as many bottles of lotion, body spray, body scrub, and shower gel as she could carry, Leon glanced at some of the items she might like as a gift. The only problem was that she was already grabbing everything in sight, so he might accidentally get something she already bought.

_'Damn...What can I get for her?'_

He examined every item carefully, making sure it was something Ashley would like, but didn't already have in her possession. So far, he came out with nothing.

Everyone who was in the store watched in amazement, or in weird fascination, as the blonde managed to carry a year's worth of bottled products, make up, and some clothes to the cashier without dropping anything.

The agent gave up looking for something and decided to rub his face in all the panties while he waited for Ashley. By the time he was at his thirtieth pair, Ashley came skipping over.

"Okay, we can go, Le-" She cut herself off when she noticed he was rubbing his face in a pair of panties. "Uh...Leon...?"

Leon finally realized Ashley was standing there and lowered the panties slowly. "Oh...Uh...I swear to God, I wasn't doing anything."

"...Right...Well, let's go!" She skipped out of the store and the brunette followed sadly, wishing he had bought some underwear to rub his face into when he got home.

"Where to now, princess?"

"Over here!" Ashley grabbed Leon's arm again and dragged him into another store. From all the weird and interesting items on the shelves, he instantly knew the blonde had dragged him into Spencer's.

The brunette went to the other half of the shop when Ashley wasn't looking. So many things to choose from, but what to get? When it came to Spencer's, there were things Ashley either completely liked or completely hated with no acceptions. Those things usually had nothing in common, so the agent was stumped at what to get. It was almost like he needed to be a detective to figure out what the girl wanted.

"Maybe...something with weed on it?" He pondered. "No. Ashley told me if her dad ever caught her with an item that had a picture of weed on it, he'd kick her ass."

"Leon!" The blonde bounced over to the agent. "I found something Krauser will like!" She held up a beer mug larger than her head. On the front, there was a picture of a very drunken Homer Simpson saying, _I'm middle aged and I'm bald, but as long as I have my beer, I'm happy._

"Krauser would definitely like that." Leon chuckled.

"You better find him something, too. He's gonna be pissed if he doesn't get something from his best buddy."

"I am not his best buddy!"

"Whatever." The blonde went to pay for the large mug.

The brunette agent went back to looking for a gift, but this time for Krauser. He just grabbed a baseball cap with a picture of weed on it and paid for it.

Afterwards, the blond dragged the man over to Hot Topic, knocking a few people out of the way.

Leon separated from Ashley again and tried to find something for her. Once again, he came up with nothing, but he did find something for Blade. It was a large pillow, shaped like a gun with a design similar to the guns of Gungrave's main character, Brandon Heat.

"I hope Blade likes this." The brunette held the large pillow under his arm and went back to his search. He found a nice Kiss T-shirt for the President and some funky green sunglasses for Wesker, but other than that, came up with nothing.

"Hurry up, Leon!" The blonde whined, waiting at the entrance. "I have to use the potty!" Whimpering slightly, she ran to the bathroom as fast as her bladder would allow.

"Alright!" The agent paid for the items and went to the nearest jewelry store upon finding the blonde had ditched him. "Maybe I can find something here."

Rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and diamonds glittered from the pieces of jewelry in which they sat. So many different colors all sparkling in the light. The beautiful sight almost made Leon want to cry, but he held it in. He was an agent, so he had to be strong. Plus there was a bunch of women there and he didn't want to look like a retard in front of them.

"Hmm...I wonder which one Ashley would like?" The agent was startled when one of the employees suddenly came up behind him and asked if she could help him in a sickeningly sweet voice. "Uh...yeah. I'm looking for the perfect present for a friend of mine and I'm not sure which one to get."

"What does your friend look like?"

"She's got blonde hair, brown eyes, has a nice voice, but it sounds really squeaky and high pitched when she's yelling or something."

"Oh, I know the perfect thing for her!" The employee went to the back of the store and came out with the most beautiful and most expensive looking diamond necklace he had ever seen.

"Wow..." Leon gazed at it in awe, looking as though he were staring at the exposed chest of a busty actress from a porno movie rather than a necklace. "How much is it?"

"Four thousand dollars." The woman smiled sweetly.

By this time, the brunette's eyes were about the size of hubcaps and his mouth hung open. He also began having a mental conflict with himself. Buy it and make Ashley happy, or leave it and get her something from the vending machine?

"I'm sorry, but I can't really afford it right now." He said, his voice almost sad.

"Well, come again soon!" The employee smiled before putting the necklace back.

The agent left the store, upset that he didn't have the money to get that necklace. If only he hadn't wasted all of the money he was saving for a gift for Ashley on a bet with Krauser.

Earlier that week, he and the older agent wanted to see if the mechanical horse or the mechanical llama at Wal-Mart would break first after being ridden too much, and they made a bet out of it. The one whose mechanical animal broke first would have to pay the other one with the quarters they had left over. Leon did the most idiotic thing and swapped all the gift money he was saving for quarters and he ended up losing the bet when the llama stopped so hard and abruptly that he fell off. But the joke was on Krauser since they had just spent their last quarters before the llama broke down, so he wouldn't be getting paid anytime soon.

The brunette took out his wallet and looked inside, his eyes nearly bulging out of his sockets when he saw he had no money left. Before he left the house, he put all of his credit cards and his checkbook under his pillow, thinking he had enough money to buy everything in cash. Boy, was he wrong.

The blonde came rushing over to Leon, looking extremely happy.

"Leon!" She cried. "After I came back from the potty and couldn't find you, I went to get you a gift and I found the perfect one!" She held up a small bag, smiling happily.

He smiled back at her, though it was forced.

"So, what did you get me?"

"I...er...already got it. It's at my house." He chuckled nervously.

"Well, I'd say it's about time for a break. Come on, Leon. Let's hit to food court." The blonde regretted saying those last two words when the brunette picked her up and ran over to the food court, knocking people over as if he were in a football game.

He promptly dropped her into an empty seat and went to get some food, but then he remembered he spent all his cash and came back to take one of Ashley's credit cards.

Ashley got out her brush and her compact mirror and tried to get her hair fixed before Leon came back, but as she began to run the brush through her short blonde hair, a large slice of pizza was placed in front of her and the brunette plopped into the seat across from her.

"Food!" He cried and began to eat like someone who hasn't even seen food in weeks, getting a lot of unwanted stares from the people who were unfortunate enough to be there at the moment.

The President's daughter sank under the table as bits of pizza were flung in her direction.

"Leon! Stop it!" She hissed.

The brunette didn't listen and kept eating sloppier than a pig. The moment he was finished, the blonde grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the food court as fast as she could.

"Where are we going now, Ash?"

"Home. You think we're gonna stay here after what you just did?"

"Uh...I'm sorry?"

Ashley didn't listen. She just pulled him outside and started looking around for Leon's car.

"Hey, Ashley, since it's still pretty early in the afternoon, how about we go do something fun?"

"Hmm..." The girl thought for a moment. "Alright! But if you do something embarrassing again..."

"I swear I won't!"

"Okay!" She grabbed him by the arm once more and went over to the brunette's car once he pointed out where it was. "Let's go to the park."

They both climbed into the dark blue vehicle. Ashley had just gotten her seatbelt buckled when Leon stepped as hard as he could on the gas. Before she even had time to realize what was going on, the car made an abrupt halt at the park.

They both decided it would be fun to slide around on the frozen surface of the pond. They pretended they were professional figure skaters and they even tried some of the moves the pros preformed. The blonde amazingly accomplished a triple axle without any mistakes, but the brunette agent severely messed up his camel spin and wound up sliding five feet across the ice on his ass.

Afterwards, they went over to Starbucks and had a few cups of coffee to warm them up, then they began to aimlessly wander around.

"Today's been so much fun." Ashley smiled.

Leon chuckled. "Yeah, I know."

As they both passed by a tree, something caught the brunette's eye. He stopped and gazed up at one of the branches. Hanging from it was a mistletoe. He knew this was definitely a sign.

"Hey, Ash, would you come over here for a sec?"

The blonde came over, questioning what was wrong. All the agent did was point up at the mistletoe and when Ashley saw what was in the tree, he pulled her close and locked lips with her.

The sweet, passionate kiss lasted only for about a minute. The only reason they stopped was due to the amount of people that were watching them.

They spent a few more minutes of wandering and decided to head back home. Upon returning, Ashley gave Leon a kiss on the cheek, only after making sure her father wasn't spying.

Now the agent had to think of what he was going to do about his little money problem.

* * *

It was Christmas at the White House and all was happy and joyful. The four agents and Daredevil came to celebrate and open gifts along with the President, his daughter, and the Colmillo.

After everyone had opened their gifts, Leon took Ashley outside, preparing himself for the worst.

"What is it, Leon?" She asked, slightly concerned.

The brunette seemed at a loss for words for a moment. "Ashley...I...I'm sorry, but I didn't get you anything for Christmas. I spent all the money I was saving for your gift on a stupid bet with Krauser." He looked down at his feet, waiting to get smacked or something along those lines, but nothing happened. Instead, he felt two small arms wrap around his shoulders.

"It's okay, Leon...You didn't have to get me anything. Being with you on Christmas is better than anything you could ever give me." The girl smiled, burying her face into the agent's shoulder.

Leon smiled himself as he embraced the blonde, completely unaware that the President was watching from one of the windows and was reaching for his coat and shotgun.

"Thanks, Ash."

"Hey!"

The two stopped hugging when they heard the loud cry and turned in the direction of the sound. Standing there was the President, cocking a shotgun in his hands.

"You were raping my daughter!" He shouted.

"Oh, shit!" The agent ran for his life with Graham close behind him.

"Run, Leon! Run!" Ashley cried.

The three agents and the two canines leaned out the window to see what was going on.

"Look! Pretty boy's gonna get plastic surgery!" Krauser pointed and laughed.

"Get him, Mr. Prez!" Wesker laughed.

"Moron..." Blade muttered. "I can bet he'll end up getting shot in about two minutes."

Jaws and Daredevil were both leaning dangerously far out the window to get a good view. They finally fell and landed in a bush.

Ashley sighed and headed back inside. Sooner or later, her father would have to give up. But in the mean time, she watched from the window and waited.

* * *

I deeply apologize for the long wait. I know this should've been posted months ago, but hey, better late than never. I've been doing so much lately that I haven't had much time to write. Please don't kill me!


	19. New Year's Hell

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 19: New Year's Hell

* * *

Leon and Krauser carried large and heavy grocery bags into the White House. They were planning on celebrating New Year's Eve with President Graham, Ashley, a couple of other agents, and Ada by partying for as long as they could. The President sent the brunette and the beret-wearing agent to get food and refreshments for the party as a form of punishment for not remembering to feed Jaws for over a week.

"We're gonna celebrate! Oh, yeah! Alright! Don't stop the dancin'!" Krauser sang loudly.

Leon growled. "Krauser, shut up! Stop singing that song!"

"But it's mine! I can sing it if I damn well please!"

"That's not your song! It belongs to Daft Punk!"

"One day, it will be mine..."

They arrived at the party room, where the President had all and only his formal parties in, but this time he was making an acception. Dumping the bags on the table, they each grabbed a can of soda and plopped down on the couch. After opening them, they clincked their cans together.

"Happy New Year, Krauser."

"Merry New Year, pretty boy."

They both took a long chug of their drinks and sighed contently.

Ashley, who was also in the room, sighed. It was only seven in the evening and already the boys were partying.

"Did you get everything?" She asked.

Leon belched loudly and set his drink down. "Everything except the cheese dip. Some fat lady went for it and we didn't wanna get crushed, so we ran."

"Oh, before I forget, Daddy wants you guys to set up the decorations. The best place to start would be hanging streamers from the chandeliers. You guys better hurry cuz they party starts at nine."

Both agents went wide eyed and stared up at the ceiling. It was so high that when the President ordered Wesker to patch up the ceiling last month, he had to get four of the largest ladders, which were all fifteen feet tall, to reach it. There were many chandeliers in the room, too. Twenty, to be exact.

"Is Graham nuts!" Krauser cried, still staring at the ceiling. "Does he really want us to risk our lives putting up decorations?"

Ashley shrugged and left the room, telling them where everything was as she went.

The brunette sighed. "Well, Krauser, let's do this little task before we get fired."

"Hold on." The larger man stood up and grabbed a pen and piece of paper out of his pocket. "I have to write my will first."

"There's no time for that!...Wait, are you gonna give me that cool necklace made of real shark and pirahna teeth?"

"No!"

"Then there's no time for that!" The smaller agent grabbed his friend by the arm and dragged him out of the room. "You go get the ladders and I'll go get a bunch of soft things."

"Good luck with that." Krauser snickered as he went to fetch the ladders.

Leon tried to find as many soft things as anyone could when they're in a rush, but all he could find were tiny doll pillows from Ashley's old dollhouse in the attic.

"What the hell, Leon!" Krauser yelled. "How are _those _tiny things supposed to protect someone from falling off four big ass ladders stacked on one another!"

"Hey, they were all I could find while rushing."

Both agents stared at the chandelier that hung above their heads.

"So...uh...who's gonna do the streamer hanging?" The brunette asked.

"You do it, pretty boy!"

"Me? No way! How about we take turns? You do ten and I'll do ten."

"Okay. Who goes first?"

They decided to play rock paper scissors to see who would decorate the first ten chandeliers. Leon lost.

Krauser stacked the ladders and tossed the tiny pillows on the floor while the younger agent outwardly told himself it was gonna be okay and inwardly sobbed like a little girl.

"Okay, pretty boy, up ya go." The scar faced man nodded towards the ladders, handing his friend the bag of brightly colored streamers.

The brunette gulped, looking up the ladder. This would surely be the end of him. The end of Leon Kennedy. How ironic. To be killed by the one thing that helped him get away from a certain death by those blasted Ganados and other hellish creatures many times during his mission to save Ashley.

Leon took a deep breath and began his journey upwards.

_'Holy crap, I'm doing it!' _He thought. _'Huh, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be.'_

He finally reached the top and began to hang the streamers from the chandelier. Once he was done, he climbed back down the ladders and moved them over to the next chandelier, then the proccess started over again without incident. At the last chandelier, everything was going fine until he began his descent and the ladders wobbled, causing him to lose his grip and fall.

"OH, MY GOD!" The brunette cried as he plummeted to his indisputable demise and closed his eyes. But when he should've hit the ground, he didn't. Instead, he was being held up by two strong, muscular arms. "Huh?" He cracked an eye open and looked up to see Krauser staring back down at him.

"You okay, Leon?" The older agent asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Krauser."

Right at that moment, Ashley walked in.

"Guys, how are thin-" She began, but trailed off when she saw the brunette in the beret-headed man's arms.

"I swear to God, this is not what it looks like." Leon said.

"Hold on! Stay in that position while I go find my camera!" The President's daughter ran to get her camera, hoping she'd returned before they moved.

Krauser simply dropped his brunette haired companion onto the floor, almost making the younger man break his tailbone.

"Ow! That hurt, you dumbass!" Leon cried, rubbing his lower back.

"Sorry." The older agent snickered.

"Now it's your turn, scar." Pretty boy pointed at the stacked ladders.

Krauser instantly shut up and looked frightened. He quickly said he had to use the bathroom and left as faster than a track runner with diarrhea, nearly knocking down Ashley as she re-entered with her camera.

"Damn! I told you guys to wait!" She pouted.

Leon suddenly got an idea. "Hey, Ash, could you do something for me?"

"Sure, what?"

"Put up the rest of the streamers." With that said, he hurried off to the bathroom to join Krauser.

"Leon! Get back here!" The blonde fummed, then sighed and looked at the ladders. "Someone better pay me for this..."

* * *

"I wonder how Leon and Krauser are doing." President Graham wondered aloud as he made his way over to the party room with Jaws at his side.

Upon entering, the President gasped when he saw Ashley hanging onto one of the chandeliers.

"Ashley! What did I tell you about playing on the chandeliers?"

"Daddy, help!" The girl sobbed. "I was putting up decorations and the ladders fell so I grabbed onto the chandelier and I've been up here for about an hour and I can't feel my arms!"

"Where are Leon and Krauser?"

"If I knew, don't you think I'd be yelling for them to help me!"

"You're right." Graham got out his cell phone and began dialing a number. "Hold on, pumpkin. I'm calling Blade to come over and get you down."

"Daddy! You can do it yourself!"

"And risk wrinkling my clothes? I don't think so! Oooh! The phone's ringing!"

"What is it?" Came the groggy voice of the gunman.

"Blade, you sure sound tired."

"That's because I was just sleeping."

"I have a mission for you. Ashley's playing on one of the chandeliers and she won't come down. I need you to come over and get her down."

"Very well, then. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Okay. Bye!" The President turned off his phone and put it back in his pocket. "Don't worry, pumpkin, help is on the way! Stay right there!"

Ashley waited impatiently until help arrived. It took a bit of time to figure out exactly how to get the girl down without the risk of someone falling, but the blonde finally touched ground again.

"Thank you so much, Blade!" She cried, throwing her arms around the black haired agent. "I thought I'd have to live up there for the rest of my life!"

"It was no problem." Blade replied.

"Now, I've gotta go find Leon and Krauser." The blonde let go of him and stormed off to yell at the other two agents for leaving her to put up streamers.

* * *

It was time for the party and miraculously, everything was ready by then. There were a few problems, such as Leon and Krauser doing nothing but sitting on their asses and drinking all the soda, Jaws taking a crap on the party room floor, and Ashley playing with Daredevil instead of cleaning up the Colmillo's shit like her father told her to. All of those problems were taken care of, though.

"Party time!" Krauser yelled, wearing a party hat on his beret and holding a noisemaker in his hand.

"Hey, Wesker, whatcha doin'?" Leon asked, hanging over the back of the couch to watch the blond agent write stuff down on colorful stationery.

"Writing down my top ten New Year's resolutions." He replied.

"Can I see?"

"Sure." Wesker handed Leon the paper.

The brunette quirked an eyebrow at the resolutions. The first one said, _Get a new pair of sunglasses_. The second said, _Use something other than glue to slick hair back with_. The third said, _Uh..._ and so did the rest up until ten. Number ten was, _Get_ _Blade to join the Sunglasses Club_.

"Wesker?"

"Yeah?"

"You're retarded." Leon handed the list back to Wesker and went to find Ada. He found her over by one of the snack tables and began a pleasant conversation with her.

At one of the other snack tables, Ashley kept a watchful eye on the man of her dreams, making sure he didn't do anything he'd regret later.

"Do you think he's hitting on her?" She asked Krauser, who was too busy trying to ignore her questions about Leon and Ada. "Could she possibly be htting on him? That would make sense cuz I know Leon would never hit on another woman. Do you think he doesn't like me anymore? Could it be that I'm fat?"

The scarred agent growled. "Ashley, tell me something. If you were fat, would I even be within a hundred feet of you?"

"Well, no, but-"

"Then shut the hell up."

"But, look at them! They're-"

"They're just talking, now shut up! I'm trying to read here."

"What are you reading?" The blonde looked over the large man's shoulder and cocked her head to the side in confusion from the words inside.

Krauser closed his book and held it up so Ashley could read the title, _What To Say To A Woman When She Asks You If Her Man's Cheating On Her_.

"Krauser, that's stupid!"

"No, it's not. It's good reading material."

"It looks pretty short to me."

"Okay, so it's only two pages long! So what?"

"I'm gonna go talk to someone else now." The President's daughter went over to some random agent and began talking with him.

Hours later, the party had died down a bit, only because everyone wanted to wait until midnight to REALLY start partying. They only had to wait a few more minutes...

"Just a few more minutes...A few more minutes and I can go to bed..." Leon moaned, leaning against the wall for support.

Krauser held an airhorn right next to the younger man's ear and blew it.

"Ah!" The brunette cried, fully awake now.

"Wake up, sleepy pretty boy!" The older agent smiled, then got shoved to the ground by the smaller agent. "Like, ow!"

"And I was just starting to have a wonderful dream, too!" Leon leaned against the wall again, instantly nodding off even though he had just been wide awake mere seconds ago.

"Oh, my God!" One of the agents cried hysterically. "The ball's dropping! The ball's dropping!"

Once again, Leon was wide awake. "Who's balls are dropping!"

The scar faced man grabbed him by the sides of his head and turned him so that he was facing the large HDTV.

"_That _ball is dropping!" He growled.

"Oh. Okay."

"Five!" Everyone began to count. "Four! Three! Two! One!"

Noisemakers went off and airhorns blew and everyone began jumping up and down and dancing in celebration of the new year. Leon and Krauser hugged each other and jumped up and down, wildly screaming, "Happy New Year!" Wesker ripped his shirt off and swung it over his head. Ashley tore Leon from Krauser and gave him the biggest, loudest kiss she had ever given him. Ada shrugged and did the same thing to Krauser. Jaws and Daredevil were barking and jumping up and down as Leon and Krauser were, only they didn't hug since they were physically unable to do so. Blade got sloppily kissed by a random male agent and kicked his ass. Graham was dry sobbing into someone's shoulder.

"Oh, my God! It's a new year!" The scarred agent cried, jumping around until he tripped over Jaws and hit the floor, hard.

After five hours of partying harder than college students at a rave, everyone left. Leon and Krauser stayed behind to help clean up as another punishment by the President for throwing things out the window, including Jaws.

"That party was awesome." The brunette said.

The older agent leaned on his mop. "Yeah, it sure was."

"Hey, Krauser?"

"Hm?" The larger man glanced over at his friend.

"What's your New Year's resolution?"

"To move as far away from you and your pretty boy germs as humanly possible. Yours?"

Leon gritted his teeth. "Mine is kick your ass!" He lifted his mop up and chased Krauser around until Graham caught him and gave him a deduction from his paycheck for the rest of the month.

* * *

Again, I apologize for this being so late! I promise The Valentine's Day and St. Patty's Day chaps will be up soon.


	20. Jack My Ride

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 20: Jack My Ride

* * *

A week ago, Leon and Krauser had been forbidden from driving, or even looking, at the Invisi-Car for the rest of the month. They both had been watching way too much Pimp My Ride and thought it'd be cool if they pimped the President's ride by spray painting graffiti on it, but before they were finished, they were caught by Wesker. Graham went to great lengths to keep them out of the garage. Well...if nailing the door shut counted as going to great lengths.

But now, they had other plans...

"Yes!" Leon cried happily as he pulled the last nail out of the door with his teeth. "Come on, Krauser. Let's go." With excitement, he ran to the Invisi-Car and hopped in the driver's seat.

"But, pretty boy!" Krauser yelled, still at the door. "We don't have the keys! Graham locked them in his hidden vault and we don't have one damn idea where to start looking for it!"

"That's why we're gonna pretend we're driving!"

"Pretend?...Okay!" The scarred man ran to the vehicle and climbed into the front with Leon. "So...Now what?"

The brunette grasped the steering wheel and began turning it as though he were driving, making motor noises with his mouth as he did so.

"Nice day, huh? Oh, look at all the happy people walking down the sidewalk..." Krauser pointed at the pretend people.

"Yeah..."

"We need to stop by Burger King. I'm hungr-" Krauser suddenly pointed out in front of the car. "Holy shit, pretty boy! Look out for the dog!"

"Oh, my God!" Leon started turning the steering wheel in every direction to miss the fictional dog. "Oh, shit! Help me, Jesus! Help me, Tom Cruise!"

"Screw them! We need Martha Stewart!"

"What can she do!"

"Well, what can Tom Cruise do! Oh, look out for the old lady! Look out for the little boy! Damn it, Leon! Watch out for the hooker!"

The younger agent stepped on the breaks and wiped the imaginary sweat off of his forehead. "Did I hit anything?"

"Uh..." Krauser looked behind them. "Yeah. The dog, the old lady, the little boy, and the hooker." He smacked his friend in the back of his head. "Nice going, idiot!"

"What are you two doing in here?"

They both turned in the direction of the voice. Standing at the door was Blade, one of his brows raised quizzically.

"Hey, foot long!" The beret-wearing agent waved. "We're just pretending we're driving the Invisi-Car cuz we don't have the keys."

"You mean these keys?" The black haired agent held his hand up and dangling from his finger was the Invisi-Car's keys.

"Wait a minute...You mean you're the hidden vault!"

It was Leon's turn to smack Krauser. "No, dummy! Blade's not the hidden vault! How'd you get those?"

Blade placed the keys in his coat pocket. "The President thought you'd find the vault and manage to break into it, so he gave the keys to me."

"Can you give them to us?"

"I don't think so."

Krauser growled. "Oh, come ON! The President went to the mall with Ashley so you know he won't be back until nightfall. If you give us the keys, we'll just take a quick spin around town and when we're done, we'll give the keys right back."

"Fine, but I'm coming with you to make sure no damage is done." Blade went over to the brunette's side and placed the keys in his hand, then climbed in the back.

Just as Leon started the vehicle, Wesker came in.

"Oooh...You guys are in BIG trouble..." He grinned. "I'm gonna tell..."

"Wait!" The commando cried. "We'll let you come with us as long as you don't tell!"

The blond rubbed his chin. "Hmm...Yeah, sure." He quickly added, "And be sure not to kill us all." as he got into the back with Blade.

Krauser pressed the Invisi-Mode button. "Step on it, pretty boy!"

Leon started the car and stepped on the gas as he put the car in reverse, crashing right through the garage door.

"FREEDOM!" The brunette screamed, then tore down the road.

"Oh, God, we're gonna die! Help us, Oprah Winfrey!" The commando cried. "Good thing I always carry this around." He pulled a folded up piece of paper out of his back pocket and gently petted it as though it were a feline.

"Yoink!" Wesker grabbed the paper from Krauser and quickly unfolded it. "What the? What's this?"

"My will."

The blond almost wanted to shoot Krauser after he read his will, which said, _'All my cool crap is gonna be buried with me.' _He really wanted his spinel collection, which he started the minute he stepped foot into that maniacal little European village. It was a very impressive size and there were even other colors besides pink. He kept asking Krauser where he found spinels in other colors, but every time, the scar faced agent said he'd never tell.

"If I were you, I'd edit that will." He handed the paper back to the scarred agent right before Leon took a sharp turn and collided with Blade. "Watch it, Leon! I don't want Krauser to die before he edits his will!"

"Even if I do edit my will, you won't get a thing!" Krauser growled.

"Am I gonna get something?" Leon asked.

"Eh, we'll see."

The brunette giggled maniacally when he saw a large empty parking lot just up ahead. When the others saw it, too, their blood ran cold and they mentally prayed that Leon wasn't gonna do what they thought he was. Unfortunately, luck wasn't on their side today. Leon drove right into the middle of the parking lot and began making doughnuts, his foot nearly breaking the gas pedal as he tried to increase speed. The force of the vehicle turning made Krauser and Wesker smash their faces into their windows and Blade was forced into Wesker.

"WHOO HOO!" Leon rolled his window down and stuck his head out. "ISN'T THIS GREAT!"

"NO!" The three other agents yelled.

The pretty boy continued this for five more minutes until he hit the brakes, then began doing doughnuts in the other direction.

"I think I'm gonna be sick..." Krauser groaned after managing to strap his seatbelt on.

"Me, too!" Leon cried happily.

"Ugh...Someone roll my window down..." The scarred agent was started to look a little green in the face.

After seeing this in the rearview mirror, the two agents in back nearly fought each other to press the down button for Krauser's window, but before they could settle who was going to press the button, Krauser threw open his door and hurled. Once he stopped, the force of the Invisi-Car going at such a breakneck speed made his door close and hit him on his head, knocking him out cold.

"The door closed by itself! That is a very good sign that we're going WAY too fast!" The blond yelled.

"Who cares!" Leon replied.

"I do! I don't want to die! I'm only twenty two!"

Blade stared at Wesker. "Twenty two?"

"...A man has every right to lie right before he dies, ya know!"

"I know, but twenty two? Who'd possibly believe that?"

"...A blind man?"

Leon suddenly got bored of making doughnuts, plus he was really starting to feel ill, so he drove like lightning out of the parking lot and sped down road after road once more. It was amazing that so far, he hadn't hit anything, but both of the agents wearing sunglasses knew he'd most likely kill dozens of innocent bystanders before the day was through.

Barely five minutes after they left the parking lot, Krauser had awoken, hoping he had died and he was now in a place that wasn't going a thousand miles an hour. To his disappointment, he saw he was still alive and still in the Invisi-Car. Sure, he was glad to still be alive, but he would've preferred that Leon had crashed while he was out and was laying in a nice, soft, non-moving hospital bed.

"This is a nightmare!" The beret-wearing agent cried. "I don't wanna die yet! There's still so much I haven't done yet, like make a sex tape with Paris Hilton!"

"Oh, you're not missing much." Wesker said. Before any of the other agents could say anything, he quickly added, "A friend did once and told me about it, okay?"

Krauser undid his seatbelt, got on his knees, and leaned over his seat and as he and Wesker talked about what the blond's friend had said about his experience, Blade tried to make Leon slow down.

"No way." The brunette added a 'hmph'.

"Kennedy, slow do-" Before the black haired agent could finish his sentence, he hit his head on the window when Leon turned another corner too sharply. "Ow!"

He grinned. "Sorry to tell ya this, guys, but we're not slowing down until we crash, run out of gas, or something else!"

In less than a second, Blade and Wesker had their guns pointed at Leon's skull while Krauser had his dagger held against his throat. At once, the three of them yelled, "Slow down!" and they almost regretted it when the brunette slammed the breaks. The two men in back hit their heads on the backs of the front seats and Krauser nearly broke the back of his skull on the windshield.

"Sorry about that, guys." Leon chuckled nervously. After cracking his knuckles, he took a quick look at their surroundings. "Hey, guys...Where are we?"

The three other agents took a look around and none of them knew where they were, either.

"Oh, great! Pretty boy got us lost!" The beret-wearing agent smacked the brunette upside the head as he sat back down in his seat. "Nice going! First you kill the hooker, now this!"

Wesker and Blade exchanged odd glances.

"Okay, don't worry, guys. We'll just use the Invisi-Car's navigational system and we'll be back at the White House in no time." Leon swore when he heard his cell phone ring. He rudely greeted the caller.

"Leon, it's me, President Graham."

"Holy crap, Mr. President! I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you and-"

"Yeah, that's nice. Well, anyway, Ashley got food poisoning in the food court and we're coming back to the White House. I expect to see everything in order. Bye."

Leon froze, his eyes wide and his mind going numb. The only thing that snapped him back into reality was Wesker pistol whipping him in the back of the head.

"What's up, Leon?" The blond asked.

"THE PRESIDENT'S COMING BACK!"

The three other agents groaned and rubbed their ears, thankful they could still hear after such a loud shout.

Leon felt around the dashboard and when he brushed over a screen, he trailed his fingers down until he found a button and pressed it.

"Welcome to the Invisi-Car navigational system." A feminine computer voice greeted. "Please state where you'd like to go."

"The White House!" The brunette cried, his voice full of panic.

"Searching, please wait." After about ten seconds, the voice spoke again. "Location found."

Leon stepped on the gas as hard as he could, forcing everyone to slam into the backs of their seats. As he drove, the computer voice was giving directions so fast, it sounded more like a bunch a mice squeaking rather than a voice, yet the brunette was able to understand what was being said.

Krauser could've sworn he saw the President's limo from a few blocks away, but he wasn't sure since everything was just a large black blur.

Leon yelled excitedly when the White House came into view, though it came into view so quick he couldn't step on the breaks in time and crashed into the wall of the Oval Office.

"...Do you think anyone's gonna notice anything?" He whimpered.

"Just get us out of here and into the garage." Wesker groaned, rubbing his stomach.

The brunette tried to back up, and even go forward, but without a doubt, the vehicle was stuck.

The sound of someone unlocking the office doors brought fear into the four agents. As one of the doors slowly opened, Krauser, Blade, and Wesker got out of the car as fast as they could and took off in separate directions.

"Cowards!" Leon leaned out his window and shook his fist at them.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

Leon slowly turned in the direction of the voice and at the sight of Graham and his red face, he grinned as he rubbed the back of his head nervously.

Ashley came to the doors to see what was wrong and she nearly started laughing at the sight, but then her stomach suddenly told her otherwise and she ran to the bathroom.

"Kennedy, you've got some explaining to do..." The President growled.

"Uh...You see..." The agent started. "Uh...Krauser, Wesker, and Blade helped me do this!"

"Grr..."

* * *

The next morning, Graham watched Leon's punishment happily from the window, taking a sip of his coffee.

Leon, his face flushed a light pink color, stood on the front lawn of the White House with his pants pulled down and his hands handcuffed to the fence.

A few seconds later, Blade, Wesker, and Krauser came out with a few bags full of eggs. Since they weren't actually involved in helping Leon crash the Invisi-Car, the President had given the three of them a choice to help with Leon's punishment and have a few bucks deducted from their paychecks this month, or they be punished along with him. Obviously, they chose the first option.

"Oh, thank God you guys came out to help-" The brunette gasped when he saw the eggs. "Guys...What are you doing?"

"Egging you, that's what!" Krauser then threw an egg at him and it landed right on top of his head.

"Ugh!" He shuddered as the yolk ran down his hair and onto his face.

Wesker and Blade followed suit, using at least three eggs at once.

Graham chuckled. "Oh, this is SO much better than watching Saturday Night Live..."

* * *

I am SO sorry about the delay and I have some bad news. The other holiday chapters won't be up for a while, but I promise they'll see the light of day eventually. Well, I hope ya liked this chapter, and again I apologize for the lack of updates. I'll try to update more soon, but I won't promise anything since when I do, well, it takes twelve years for me to do it. X3


	21. At The Library

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

------------------------

Chapter 21: At The Library

------------------------

Leon sighed as he drove. It was _supposed _to be a solo mission to return the President's overdue books to the library, and then he'd be done. But no. Turns out Wesker needed to stop by the library as well to return a few books, Blade needed to check out a book or two on some subject with a really long name that the brunette couldn't remember, Ashley wanted to see if they finally put up the manga section she'd been waiting months for, and Krauser merely wanted to stick porno into little children's books. Now the estimated time for the mission to be completed was probably twenty minutes instead of a mere two or three, considering it was a big ass library where even the librarian, who had been working there for ten years, still got lost in occasionally.

The minute they arrived, everyone took off in different directions. Ashley and Wesker for the front desk, Blade for the card catalog, and Krauser for the children's section with a stack of porno under one arm and Leon under the other.

"Krauser, do you even KNOW where you're going!" The smaller agent cried, keeping a tight grasp on the books he needed to return.

"Yeah! I studied the library's layout for months so I'd remember by heart where the children's section was!"

"Oh, for the love of-" He grunted when he felt himself hit the floor. "Ow..."

Krauser grinned mischievously as he stared down the rows of children's books. "Leon, you keep an eye out for the librarian while I have some fun." He ran down to the other end of the shelf where the more popular children's books were kept.

"Screw this. I gotta return these books and get out of here." The brunette stood and journeyed the front desk. "Hello, ma'am." He spoke loudly.

The librarian looked at him. "What! I can't hear you! Speak louder!" She pointed at a notepad and pen sitting on the corner of her desk. "Or you can submit it in writing!"

Leon thought it was a bit odd, but he chose to use the notepad anyway. He didn't want his throat to be sore later. Once he was done, he pushed the notepad to the elderly woman, who snatched it up and squinted her eyes so she could read it.

"Oh, okay!" She grabbed the books from him and checked them for the due date. "Damn, these books are really late!"

The agent took one and checked the due date, which read March 8, 1974. "Holy!"

The librarian got out a calculator and began pressing the buttons rapidly until she came up with the amount of money owed. "You owe four thousand dollars!"

"Uh..." He took the notepad and wrote on it to send the bill to the President, then ran back to the children's section. Krauser was nowhere to be seen. Probably sticking porno in books about anatomy or something.

He walked over to the tables to see if anyone left any good books there. One caught his eye, titled _A Look At Defecating_. He had no idea what that was, but it sure sounded interesting. He sat down and flipped the book open to a random page, then threw his hands over his mouth to silence his scream when he saw a picture of a small pile of crap. "Holy crap! This book's about crapping!"

Shuddering, he pushed the book away and stood back up. He wandered over to a shelf, hoping to find a book that would get that gross picture out of his head.

"I wonder if there's a book about me anywhere...Oh, what am I saying? Of COURSE there's gotta be a book about me! I rock!" He chuckled, then nearly screamed when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw it was only Krauser. "Don't scare me like that, dumbass!"

"Mission accomplished, Leon." He grinned from ear to ear. "I should've brought more pictures."

"Krauser, you're sick. Now the children who check out those books and see those pictures will end up like you!"

"...Hot?"

"No, sick and retarded...and maybe develop a strong liking for sticking porno in children's books."

"Oh, shut UP, pretty boy!"

Leon went back to looking for a book. "Help me find a book, Krauser."

The older agent looked towards the table his friend was sitting at earlier. "Hey, there's one here." He picked up the book and flipped it open. "OH, MY GOD!" He quickly threw the book away, accidentally aiming for the back of Leon's head.

"Ow! Damn it, Krauser!" He rubbed the back of his head.

"KEEP IT DOWN!" The librarian yelled at them.

The two looked at each other, surprised that she had actually heard them. Sure, Krauser's yelling couldn't go unnoticed, but the librarian was completely deaf in one ear and only half deaf in the other.

"That bitch has some good ears." The scarred agent went to the shelf across from the one the brunette was at. "Oooh! I found a good book!" He snatched it off the shelf and plopped himself down at a table.

"I wanna read!"

"Get your own damn book!"

"Screw you, Krauser!"

"WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY!" The librarian screamed.

Leon quickly grabbed a random book and sat next to Krauser, both of them too afraid to speak.

"YOU WITH THE BLACK HAIR! STOP TURNING THE PAGES SO DAMN LOUD!"

The older agent raised a brow. "What the f-"

"How could she possibly hear that?" The brunette flipped a page, doing it as slowly and quietly as possible.

"Cuz...she's a bitch?"

They both went back to reading their books, each of them giving a small snicker every now and then when they came across something that seemed funny for no reason. Every few minutes, they got bored and switched to another book, sometimes trading with each other.

Leon stiffled a laugh. "Hey, Krauser. Look at this." He pointed to the title of the book he had. "_The Origin Of The Name Bob_."

"What the hell? Who'd write a book like that?" The commando put his current book back on the shelf and came back with another. "This one looks good. It's called, _How To Tell If Your Child Will Grow Up To Be A Psycho And How To Prevent It_."

"Wesker's parents should've checked out that book."

Krauser chuckled. "I bet they did and when they came to the conclusion that he was gonna grow up to be a lunatic, they gave him to some childless family to raise."

"I'm getting another book." The brunette grabbed another book, snickering as he sat down.

"What?"

"The title. _Behind The Scenes Of Disney Movies_."

Krauser leaned over and Leon opened the book, both of them going wide eyed at the graphic pictures.

"Holy crap..." The older man moaned. "Lady and Tramp have rabies..."

"Wow...I had no idea Mickey Mouse had a problem with alcohol..." Leon turned the page, almost fearing what he'd see next. "Holy! Ariel's a hooker!"

"How the hell does a mermaid smoke when they're underwater?"

"...Advanced technology?"

"Makes sense."

Then suddenly...the unthinkable happened.

"Krauser, where's the bathroom? I have to crap..." The pretty boy whimpered.

Krauser pointed over his shoulder. "WAY down there."

As he was about to get up, Leon let out the loudest fart that either agent had ever heard. It dragged on for ten seconds, echoing through the entire library.

Ashley had been in the manga section, happily picking out some volumes of Tokyo Mew Mew and GetBackers when she heard it. Her jaw dropped, as did the manga she was holding.

Blade had finally found the area where one of the books he was looking for was located, which was on the second floor balcony. To his dismay, he saw the book sitting on the very top of the tall shelf. It was a bit of a tough climb up the ladder, but he made it. Just as he was reaching up for the book, the fart took him by surprise and he, along with the ladder, fell backwards into the next shelf, creating a domino effect. The last shelf that fell left a hole in the wall on impact.

Wesker was just innocently reading _Tyrants In History_, fascinated by how many people were in the book, when he heard the fart echoing through the library. He somehow mistaken the sound for an atomic blast and ducked under the table, covering his head with the book.

Leon seemed very surprised by the fart, but he was glad it was just gas and not explosive diarrhea. The instant he stopped, he yelled, "SORRY!"

"GOD DAMN, THAT WAS A BIG ONE!" The librarian sounded extremely shocked.

Krauser stared at the brunette in awe, until he managed to say, "Pretty boy...That was awesome!"

The two agents did a high five, then went back to reading as if the fart never happened.

Five minutes later, Ashley appeared, holding her stack of manga proudly.

Leon waved. "Hey, Ashl-"

"Did you hear pretty boy's fart!" The commando interrupted excitedly.

The blonde shuddered. "Yeah. Wait, that was you, Leon?"

"Uh...yeah." The brunette nodded.

"Well, did you return Daddy's books yet?"

"Yeah."

The silence was suddenly broken again by the librarian yelling, "WILL THE REALLY HOT BRUNETTE REPORT TO THE FRONT DESK IMMIDIATELY!"

Both blonds watched as in a flash, the younger agent scrambled out of his seat and ran in the direction he thought the front desk was, screaming like a maniac. Then he realized he was going the wrong way and began running in the other direction, continuing his screaming. He surely thought from the way the librarian was bitching, he was in big trouble and was gonna get sued, most likely for a stupid reason..

"What a dumbass." Krauser chuckled.

The brunette returned, panting after the long run. "The librarian told me to tell you guys that she's kicking us out. Blade and Wesker are already waiting outside."

"Why's she kicking us out?"

Ashley smacked the older agent upside his head. "Krauser, incase you haven't noticed, you guys have been making such a disturbance!"

"Well, why not kick just me and pretty boy out? I've done what I need to do and so has he."

"Oh, you know how bitchy she can be. Come on, guys. Let's go."

The agents followed the President's daughter outside, where they both got tackled by the other two agents.

"Alright, which one of you made that fart?" Wesker asked menacingly.

Krauser pointed at Leon. "Pretty boy."

"You made me think a bomb exploded!" He hit the brunette in the head with the tyrant book he decided to check out.

Blade cracked his knuckles. "You made me crash into a shelf and it caused a domino effect that ended up putting a large hole in the wall. The librarian saw the whole thing, so now I have to pay five thousand dollars for the damage. Since it was basically your fault, I suggest you better start saving your money."

Both of the sunglasses-wearing agents got off of the two and climbed into the Invisi-Car.

"Damn, I shouldn't have had those burritos for lunch..." Leon groaned.

------------------------

As promised, erm, not promised, another chapter! I'm so glad it didn't take me, like, twelve years to update this time. This chapter was supposed to be posted earlier, but I couldn't upload it due to technical difficulties.


	22. The Replacement

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 22: The Replacement

* * *

"Oh, this is so much fun!" Ashley squealed as she sat atop Leon's broad shoulders, fondly rubbing the golden rhinestone-studded star she held in her hands.

"Just put the star on the tree, already! I really don't wanna go back to the chiropractor so soon." The brunette groaned.

"Oh, don't be such a whiner!" The blonde placed the star on top of the tree and smiled. "There!"

"Why did you put the star on first, anyway?" The agent bent to allow the blonde to get off by climbing down his back.

"It's a tradition."

Krauser came into the room, carrying a box of decorations, which he deposited onto the floor gently before going through it to see if anymore of the decorations disappeared since the last time he looked inside.

The brunette's eyes went wide when he saw something glimmering brightly in the box, almost surprised Krauser hadn't noticed it already. He pulled the girl out of the room to talk about the glimmering ornament, and possibly discuss a price.

"No way, Leon! I'm not selling it to you!" Ashley grunted.

"Oh, come ON, Ash!" The agent whimpered.

"Leon, that ornament's value is over millions of dollars. No way could you ever be able to afford it."

"You could always give it to me for free."

"Oh, you..."

A loud-ish, "Oooh, pretty!" came from the next room, followed by a soft shattering noise and a very noticeable, "Oops."

"Oh, dear God!" Ashley ran back into the room and gasped when she saw the very expensive ornament on the ground, shattered into millions of tiny pieces.

"...It was Jaws!" Krauser cried, then held his arms over his face to protect himself from the girl's wrath.

President Graham entered to room, smiling with Jaws at his side, but the happy expression soon turned into a look of shock, then rage, and just before he could explode, sadness. With an, "Oh, dear God, why?!", he dropped to his knees and started sobbing.

The two agents just stood there and watched before running out of the room, nearly getting stuck in the doorway when they tried to pass through at the same time. They headed to the safest place they could think of to get away from the hell they would soon face when Graham stopped crying: the library.

* * *

Leon and Krauser sat on the swings at the park, both silently trying to come up with a plan on how to replace the ornament, but to no avail. They had left the library a while ago after reading a few books and chatting with Ashley, and a few other friends, on the computers.

The older agent gasped. "Holy crap! Leon, I think I got it!"

"What?"

"What if we...glue it back together!" The next moment, Krauser was on the ground.

"Idiot..." The brunette grumbled, rubbing the fist he hit his friend with.

"Hey, guys."

The agents looked up to see Wesker coming towards them.

"Go away, Wesker. We don't need you to rub it in." The younger agent turned away.

"Hey, I only came to help." The older blond replied.

"Help...?" Krauser stood and placed his hand against the man's forehead. "Very cold...Just like your soul...!" Once again, he was on the ground within a second.

"I'm not sick, I'm just feeling the holiday spirit, okay?! Anyway, there's a special Christmas auction that's going to be held over on the other side of town and one of the items being featured in the auction is the exact same ornament as the broken one."

Leon gasped. "Really?!"

"Yeah. It's gonna start in..." Wesker glanced at his watch. "Right about now."

The brunette and the beret-wearing agent looked at each other, then ran out of the park, screaming. The older man watched them, grinning from ear to ear.

"I love it when they get like that."

The agents continued their screaming and running until they got back to the White House, getting many odd glances along the way. They tried opening the doors, but oddly, they were locked. That's when they remembered what Ashley said to them during their chat. Graham had locked all the doors so the agents couldn't get back in. She also mentioned the reason Leon was locked out as well was that if he got in, he'd help Krauser back in.

"Damn! Isn't there any door that isn't locked?"

"Hmm..." The brunette thought for a moment. "Garage!" Once the word was out of his mouth, both agents ran to said location.

"Heh...Stupid Graham..." Krauser chuckled as he opened the garage door.

"Okay, we got to the Invisi-Car, but..."

"Keys?"

Leon nodded.

"Oh, don't worry about it, pretty boy! I know how to jack a car!" As the older agent proceeded to mess around inside the vehicle, the brunette vaguely wondered if that's why his first name is Jack. "Got it!"

"Awesome!" The younger agent hopped into the driver's seat and stomped his foot on the accelerator, bursting right through the wall and almost hitting a few pedestrians when he got onto the road.

Krauser quickly strapped on his seatbelt, and began praying that they wouldn't crash and if they did, that they wouldn't die, or that if they did die, it would be after the got to open their Christmas presents on Christmas morning.

All too soon, they arrived at the building in which the auction was taking place. In a panic, they clambered out of the Invisi-Car and jumped through the building's windows instead a using the door. They both calmed down, though, when they entered the actual auction room and saw the ornament they came for hadn't been auctioned off yet. The agents took a seat near the front and whispered quietly to each other of the items being auctioned off.

"Next item up for grabs is this lovely ornament made only in France!" The auctioneer called out as some well-dressed man held up the ornament. "Starting bid is $4,000."

"$4,000?!" Krauser whispered, absolutely astonished. "Is he nuts?!"

"Krauser, the original cost millions, so don't start complaining. Besides, it was your choice to come, so you have no choice but to help pay for it."

"Screw this, then." As the older agent stood to leave, Leon grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down into his seat, whispering a threat in the man's ear that glued him to his seat.

"$4,500!" A woman cried.

"$4,500.22!" A man cried.

"$4,600!" Another man called out, whose voice seemed oddly familiar to the two agents. Unbeknownst to them, the voice belonged to Wesker. "Heh...I'll make it so those idiots won't get the ornament, then they'll be fired and I'll take their place as Graham's best agent..." He laughed deviously.

"$10,000!" Krauser cried as he jumped up and down.

"Alright, $10,000! Anyone for $10,100?" The auctioneer called out.

"Oops..." Krauser slowly sat down, realizing the number he accidentally called out.

"You...idiot..." Leon grunted, restraining himself from socking the older agent right in his jaw.

"I panicked, okay! Sheesh."

"$15,350!" Wesker called out.

"$50,000 and 47 cents!" The older agent cried, jumping up and down again.

"$50,000.47! Going once, going twice-" The auctioneer was interrupted when someone else shouted out a slightly higher price.

"Idiot!" The brunette pulled Krauser back down into his seat again.

"Sorry. Panicked again." The commando grinned sheepishly.

"Krauser, do the world a favor."

"What?"

"Go kill yourself."

The auctioneer smiled. "Alright, $50,650! Going once, going twice-"

Leon jumped up. "$100,000!" He sat down slowly when he realized he was starting to panic, too.

"NOW who needs to do the world a favor?" Krauser smiled triumphantly.

"$100,370!" Wesker called out.

"$140,000!" Leon yelled.

"$174,500!"

"$200,690!"

"$600,920!"

"Hey!" Krauser turned in his seat to face everyone behind him. "Whoever that is, shut the hell up!"

"No!" Wesker retaliated.

"You wanna take this outside, bitch?!"

"I would, but I don't really feel like making a grown man cry right now."

The beret-wearing agent growled, then stood up. "Why, you motherfu-!"

The younger agent quickly grabbed Krauser's shoulder and whispered, "No." to him, then forced him back down into his seat.

"I'll deal with you later!" He called out before folding his arms and crossing his legs, obviously steamed.

The auctioneer cleared his throat awkwardly. "Um, okay...Anyway, the last bid was $600,920 for the guy WAY in the back! Going once, going twice-"

"$1,000,470!" Leon cried.

"Sold!"

"Yes!" Both agents shouted as they jumped up from their seats and hugged each other while, for no reason, many people in the room clapped and cheered for them.

"Damn!" Wesker hissed before quietly making his leave, but then came back and sat down again. "On second thought, I think I'll stay. I still need to get a gift for Mom, anyway."

As the two agents went back into the lobby, they wandered over to a woman sitting at a table with some forms on it. She instructed them that they needed to fill out the information on the forms, such as what they bought, how much it was, the billing address, and so on. As they were about to sign a number much lower than what they actually got the ornament for, the woman warned them that there are cameras in the auction room, so they would be able to verify some of the given information. Both agents reluctantly filled out the forms truthfully and left, then remembered they forgot to get the ornament and went back for it, then left again, feeling very sorry for their wallets all of a sudden.

* * *

Ashley frowned as she gazed out the window when she saw the wind was picking up and snow was starting to fall.

"Daddy, don't you think you're being hard on them? I mean, it's really cold outside and they're wandering around out there, freezing and maybe hungry!" She protested.

Graham sighed. "Well, maybe you're right, but I swear, if something like this happens again, they're fired!...And I'm gonna order someone to kick them in the balls."

"Thanks, Daddy."

"Hey, you wanna know a secret, Ashley?"

"What?"

"That ornament...I lied about it's price."

The blond raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Well, you see, I was trying to impress all my rich friends, so I said it was really expensive. Actually, the ornament was only $13.92."

Graham's daughter was silent for a second. "How did you get it for that little amount of money?"

"That's how much it's worth in American currency. Almost everywhere else in this country, the price is WAY off, but only because not many dealers have been taught how much European currency is worth in American money."

"Oh."

On the other side of the closed double doors, Leon and Krauser growled quietly in anger. Now they were gonna be in debt for the rest of their lives just because some idiot doesn't know how to change euros into dollars. At almost the same time, they threw open the doors, and while Leon grabbed the President, Krauser opened the window, which Graham was promptly thrown out of a second later. The commando locked the window and threw an arm around the younger man's shoulders.

"Come on, pretty boy." He said. "Let's go see if we can return our purchase."

They walked out of the room, ignoring the President as he scratched at the window.

* * *

I just couldn't resist this! I wasn't gonna do another Christmas-ish chapter since I already did one, but I got the holiday spirit in me, so yeah. Besides, I thought if I did a chapter about a holiday I already did, it would feel like a year had passed in the story when really it didn't. Oh, well. As always, reviews are welcomed. :D


	23. Secret Admirer

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 23: Secret Admirer

* * *

Leon near-pouted his lip in sheer boredom as he played one of his favorite games on his prized PSP. Despite being bored, he was so focused on his game that he didn't notice the blonde leaning in very close over his shoulder. He did notice once he felt someone's breath upon his ear and screamed girlishly, tossing his PSP in the air high enough for it to hit the ceiling. The screen cracked on contact. Once it hit the floor, the screen shattered and the gaming device made a small fizzing sound before succumbing to the afterlife.

"Damn it!" The brunette pointed at the broken device. "Look what nearly giving me a heart attack made me do, Ashley!"

"Sorry." The blonde girl smiled mischievously.

The older man raised a brow. "Ashley...What are you up to...?" He asked suspiciously.

"Oh, nothing. Just wondering, Leon, do you have a pen on you?"

"Yeah, sure." He took a pen out of his pocket and handed it to her.

Ashley almost jumped for joy when she scribbled on her arm and found that the ink was cherry red in color. She handed the pen back to him with a quick, "Thank you!" and left. The agent just shook his head at her odd behavior, dismissing it as excitement for the upcoming holiday, Valentine's Day.

"Oh, this is wonderful!" The President's daughter giggled as she pulled a note out of her pocket. She opened it up and read it aloud to herself. "'Roses are red, violets are blue. You're really cute and on Valentine's Day, I wanna hump you. From, your secret admirer. P.S. I wanna take you out on a date on Valentine's Day. That's when I'll reveal my identity.'"

The note, which she found taped on the outside of her bedroom window that morning, was written in red ink. Being a somewhat impatient girl, Ashley couldn't wait a few more days to find out who this mystery man was, so she decided to investigate and was now happy that it was Leon.

A sudden thought brought her out of her happy daze. Looking over the note again, she realized there was no way Leon could've written it. The handwriting was too neat. He usually wrote in handwriting that was very scribbly and unique, but still legible.

"Oh, damn..." She frowned. "Wait...Maybe it's a trick. Maybe he WANTS me to think it wasn't him."

"Ashley, why the hell are you talking to yourself?"

She turned around and came face to face with Krauser. "Uh...I'm not talking to myself!" She giggled nervously.

"But I could've sworn I heard you...Oh, my God!" He grabbed his head. "I've gone insane again!" He then ran off. "Pretty boy, help! I've gone insane again! Get that shrink on the phone!"

"Again?" Ashley cringed.

* * *

Ashley yawned as she sat up and stretched. "Good morning, world!" She smiled. As she got out of bed, she tripped over one of the many yaoi mangas laying on the floor. Right in her face was a manga she didn't own. She picked it up and skimmed through the pages. Judging by what she saw, she concluded it was a yaoi manga featuring the pairing of Vincent Valentine and his younger self when he was a Turk.

"Oooh!" She squealed. "I've always wanted a manga like this! This is my favorite pairing! But...how did this get in here?" The blonde then found a note taped to the back of the manga. It said, _Here's a manga I thought you would like cuz it features Vincent screwing himself all night' _"This is wonderful! But...I never told anyone about my thing for a Vincent/Vincent pairing. Well, I still have plenty of time to figure out who my secret admirer is before Valentine's Day."

After getting dressed, she wandered around the White House to see if any of the agents were around yet. Plenty were, but none she was actually friends with. It wasn't until she looked out one of the windows facing the pool that she saw one of her friends had actually come on time for once. Ashley began to drool as she saw Krauser strip down to his boxers and jump into the pool. Even with the window closed, she could hear the man yelling, "AH!!! COLD!!!"

The President's daughter quickly headed out towards the pool, where her father was instructing Krauser on what his current mission was.

"You have to get rid of the water snake that's living in my pool." Graham said.

The commando gulped. "Water snake?" At that moment, a snake the size of Krauser's arm in circumference, emerged from the water and wrapped its body around the agent. "Shit! Help!" He flailed his arms helplessly as the snake pulled him under.

"Aw...Sheba likes you!" Graham smiled.

"Daddy!" Ashley called out once she got to the pool. "Where's Krauser? Wasn't he just here?"

"Sheba pulled him under."

"Who?"

"The water snake that made our pool her home. I'm gonna miss her, sort of. She ate all the stuff that drowned in the pool, like those squirrels and that one agent who I was teaching how to swim."

"_You _were teaching him how to swim? In _winter_? No wonder he died. How were you teaching him, anyway?"

"I took him to the church the have him baptized, then I took him here and pushed him into the pool."

"...Why?"

"Cuz, honey, when you get baptized and you fall into the water, Jesus will save you. The proof's on Drawn Together."

"Um...Okay..."

A moment later, the commando resurfaced from the water, the snake still wrapped tightly around his body. "Get off me, you son of a bitch!"

"_Daughter _of a bitch." The President corrected him.

Krauser gasped when he realized how to get free, and at once he brought his face down on the snake like a hammer on a nail. The snake instantly went limp, and when it did, Graham and his daughter caught a good glimpse at an imprint of Krauser's face in the serpent's neck.

Graham gasped. "Oh, my God! Sheba!" He pointed at Krauser. "Murderer!"

"He's not dead!" Krauser barked.

"_She!_"

"Whatever." The agent pulled the snake with him to the side of the pool and laid it down. "Her neck's probably hurt, but if you take her to a vet, they can fix it."

The President instantly picked up the snake and ran towards his limo, yelling out for someone to drive and someone to call 911 and tell them he was on the way.

"Stupid President...Stupid snake!" The older man grumbled.

"Nice work there, Krauser." Ashley knelt down next to Krauser, hoping she wasn't kneeling in any puddles.

"Thanks." Krauser wiped his face with his hand to rid it of some of the water, only to get it wetter than before. This caused him to start wiping, almost smacking, his face with both hands vigorously. While doing this, he lost his balance and slipped back under the water. He resurfaced, grumbling about water and gravity.

"Krauser, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, kid." He leaned over on the side of the pool and rested his arms on the edge.

"Can you recite some poetry for me real quick?"

"...Why?"

"Just do it!"

Krauser squirmed back. "Okay." He squeaked out, then cleared his throat. "Blood is thick, water is not. Now excuse me, I think I have crotch rot."

Ashley sat there looking stunned for a second, before clapping excitedly. _'His poem was great, though kind of idiotic, just like the notes! Does that mean Krauser wrote them?'_

"Thank you, thank you!" The agent took a bow.

"Krauser, that was wonderful!"

"Thanks, I got it from Wesker. He gave me a free copy of the poetry book he published last month. He needed to do something with them since no one would buy them, and those who did returned them immediately. I dunno why, though. I thought they were creative in a kick ass way."

The blonde girl sighed. "Thanks anyway, Krauser." She took her leave, deciding to try Wesker next.

"No problem, Ashie. Wait...thanks for what?! Ashley, come back!"

* * *

"Al...most...done..." Wesker grunted as he screwed the last light bulb into place. "Finished!" He wiped the sweat off his brow, and gazed at his handiwork. All of the twenty seven light bulbs that had blown in the room were replaced, and in record time, too, considering how long it took him to get the ladders in place. "Now, to get down." He gazed down at the ground, which was twenty feet below him. "God, I hope I don't fall."

Ashley entered the room just in time to see Wesker begin to slide down the ladders as they tilted in the opposite direction, then watched him fall over with the ladders and his bag of light bulbs, screaming. She gasped and ran over to him, asking if he was alright.

"I'm okay, mommy..." He replied in a daze, his head rocking around. His temporary daze was remedied by receiving a slap to the back of his head. "Ow! Thank you, I needed that."

"So, Wesker..." The President's daughter sat back on her heels. "I heard from Krauser you published a poetry book."

"Oh, yeah." He nodded. "I got all my ideas from a good friend of mine. After he died, I took his notebook full of poetry and claimed they were mine."

"Oh..." She put her finger to her cheek in thought. "Okay, so it wasn't Wesker. Maybe the dead friend he mentioned? Oh, what am I saying? Dead guys don't write secret admirer letters to the living! They rape the living."

"Uh, Ashley...Why are you talking to yourself?"

"Oh! Sorry, I didn't know I was talking out loud."

"Anyway, I have to put these ladders away and clean up all this glass. Nice talking with you. And maybe you should see a professional about that whole talking to yourself thing."

"Okay, sure." She left the blond agent to finish cleaning up.

Wesker got up and bent over to grab one of the ladders. "Damn it, Birkin, you should've written better poetry...I could've made good money off of the poems I stole from you! Ow!" He pulled his hand back, his eyes the size of hub caps when he saw the large piece of glass protruding from his hand. "Sorry, William..."

* * *

Ashley growled in slight annoyance as she climbed into bed that night.

"I only have tomorrow left before Valentine's Day! What do I do? I have to find out who my secret admirer is before then!" She laid back onto her pillow. She hadn't even closed her eyes when a brick broke through the window and landed square on her abdomen, knocking the wind out of her. "Ow! What the?" She suddenly squealed delightfully when she saw a note attached to the brick. She tore it off and began to read it at once. "'Trying to find out who I am? If you wanna know, meet me at noon on Valentine's Day in the can. I know that didn't really rhyme, but since I'm writing this in the car I don't have time.' How romantic..."

Before drifting off to sleep, she hugged the note tightly to her chest, and while she slept, it began to snow. The soft white substance entered through the window and piled up on the floor.

* * *

"Hey, Leon!" Krauser whispered loudly, almost above normal conversation volume. "What's wrong with Ashley?! She's been being a bitch all morning!"

"I don't know." Leon whispered back, in an actual whisper. "And why don't you actually try _whispering_?"

"Why?!"

"Cuz Ashley's standing right in front of us!" The brunette agent pointed at said blonde.

"Holy!" The older agent jumped back, obviously startled. "Don't EVER do that again!"

"What's wrong, Ashley?"

She huffed, placing her fists on her hips. "It snowed into my room cuz my window broke and the snow ruined my new manga!" Her eyes went wide when she realized she should be hunting down her secret admirer and not being pissed that her manga got ruined. "Oh, that's right!" With that said, she left in a hurry.

Leon looked at Krauser. "What was that all about?"

The commando shrugged. "Don't look at me. I don't understand the way girls work."

* * *

Ashley arrived in the weight training room and found not only her father, but her next suspect there, bench pressing what looked to be about 150.

"One...Two...One...Two..." Graham counted.

"Just admit you lost track, already." Blade said, stopping in mid-lift to speak, then continued his reps.

"I did not! You just THINK I'm repeating one and two over again!"

"How many have I done so far, then?"

"...Two?"

"Fifty."

"Damn, you're strong! At this rate, you might beat Krauser's record!" The President looked over at the doorway and saw his daughter standing there. "Oh, hi, Ashley. What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to Blade for a minute. Alone." She motioned for him to leave.

"Okay." But the President just sat there, staring at her innocently.

"Daddy. Leave. Now."

"Oh, fine!" He got up and left, muttering something about the numbers one and two.

"Hi, Blade!" The blonde plopped down in a seat next to Blade.

"Hey." He easily placed the weight back on the rack and sat up, wiping the sweat off his face with the towel laying next to the bench. "What did you want?"

"I was just wondering...How good are you at writing poetry?"

He thought for a second and shrugged. "I'm not sure. Writing poetry isn't really something I find fun."

"Have you used a red ink pen recently?"

"Uh...not that I can recall."

"Have you ever bought a girl a yaoi manga?!"

The gunman's eyes went wide. "Excuse me?"

"I guess that's a no." She got up to leave, but then stopped. "One last thing."

"What?" Blade suddenly felt very uncomfortable when the President's daughter leaned forward until their faces were inches apart.

"Are you a romantic guy?"

"I don't know?" He stated it as a question, mostly because the question caught him off guard.

"Oh, okay. Thanks for your time, Blade!" She smiled before leaving.

"...You're welcome?"

"Damn!" The blonde grumbled once she was a good distance away from the room. "Okay, it looks like none of my primary suspects are my secret admirer...It looks like I need to start questioning other agents."

And she did. All day, until it was almost dark outside, she cleverly questioned every other male, and sometimes female, agents around the White House, but from the answers she got, none of them were her secret admirer. Once she ran out of people, she went to the last person she could think of.

"Um, Daddy?" She poked her head into the Oval Office. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, honey."

"Did you write any secret admirer letters? Cuz if you did and they were for someone else, I got them by mistake."

Graham laughed. "Oh, honey, I'm too old for stuff like that. Now where was I? Oh, yeah!" He began scribbling something down. "'Dear Miss Wong...Hi! This is your secret admirer speaking.'"

Ashley quickly left before her father could continue with the letter.

* * *

On Valentine's Day, the White House was abuzz with romance and gift giving. Many of the agents were dressed up, including Leon and Krauser, for their dates. No one had any idea who Krauser was going on a date with, but assumed it was Ada because he always went on a date with her when no one else was available. Everyone knew who Leon's date was and were wishing him good luck and made sure he put them in his will, just in case his date's brother tagged along.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" The pretty boy and the commando said while holding out a gift, surprising the other.

"GIFT!!!" Krauser tossed his gift up in the air and grabbed the package Leon was holding out to him before shoving him down. As he began to viciously rip it open, his gift to Leon hit the floor and a loud shattering could be heard from within the box. "Oh, my God! It's a tea cozy for my dagger! Thank you, pretty boy."

The brunette whimpered when he merely poked his gift and heard another shatter come from within the box. "You're welcome..." He opened his gift and, to his surprise, he found it was a keychain that made a shattering noise when you pressed the button. "Whoa, sweet!"

Just as Blade entered the room, Krauser grabbed another gift he had and threw it at him with a, "Foot long, think fast!" Unfortunately, Blade wasn't fast enough and the gift hit him right in the face, knocking him to the floor.

"Ow!" The black haired man growled as he sat up and rubbed his face.

"I got a gift for you, foot long." The scarred man smiled innocently.

"Oh, thanks." As he unwrapped the gift, he heard someone enter the room and heard Krauser cry, "Slick back, think fast!" He turned and saw Wesker laying on the floor, unmoving except for an occasional twitch in his hand. "What was in that box?"

"A typewriter! Why ya asking?"

"It looks like you'll need a good lawyer later, Krauser." Blade finished unwrapping his gift and held up the small device that sat in the box. "What is this?"

"It removes scratches from glasses! It also works well with sunglasses."

"Hmm..." The gunman tested it on his sunglasses and looked amazed when he saw the surface of his shades were as clear, maybe even clearer, as they were when he bought them. "Krauser, you've really outdone yourself. You've now gone from mouse to bird on the IQ scale."

"Yes!" The commando jumped up happily. "Polly wants a cracker."

"Ow...What happened? Why does my face hurt?" Wesker asked. He grunted painfully when Ashley entered the room and stepped on his gut before she realized he was there.

"Eeek! Wesker, you pervert! You looked up my skirt!" Ashley kicked him in his side.

"YOU'RE the one who stepped over ME..." He held his side in pain. "Oh, God, my ribcage...!"

"You're ribcage is a little higher up." Blade corrected him, still amazed at how new his sunglasses looked.

"Oh." The blond moved his hands higher. "Oh, God, my ribcage...!"

"Guys," The blonde girl started. "I have something to ask, and be honest." She held up the notes and the ruined manga. "Did any of you send me these?"

"Let me see that!" Krauser grabbed one of the notes. "Oooh! The kid's got a secret admirer! And he wants to meet her...in the bathroom?"

"Gimme that!" Ashley snatched the note back.

The beret-wearing agent looked at his watch. "Dear God, it's noon o'five! Quick, everyone, to the bathroom!"

A knock at the front door made Leon stop. "Oh! Sorry guys, but that's probably my date." He gulped hard when he heard a shotgun being cocked outside through the open window. "And that must be her brother..."

"You're going on a date with someone ELSE?" Ashley asked inquisitively.

"I lost to Claire in a bowling competition, and she won a date with me."

"Oh."

"Leon Kennedy, open this door or we're leaving!" Came Claire's voice.

"I gotta go." He ran to answer the door. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T LEAVE!!! I TOOK A THREE HOUR SHOWER FOR THIS!!!"

Ashley gasped. "So THAT'S where my $40 bottle of cotton candy shampoo went to!"

"Oh, so that's why pretty boy smells like cotton candy..." Krauser nodded. "That makes much more sense than my theory."

"Come ON, Krauser!" Wesker got behind him and gave him a good shove forward. "I wanna see who Ashley's admirer is."

The three agents and the President's daughter headed to the bathroom and were shocked to see who was there waiting.

"Who are you?" Ashley asked the man. "And how did you get in here?"

Before the man could answer, Blade stepped forward. "Luke Maxwell?"

"Ah, Blade Stryker. Long time, no see, mate." Luke smiled.

Krauser looked at the Australian man, then at Blade. "You know this guy?"

The orange eyed agent nodded. "Yeah, we met during a LONG red light."

Luke inhaled deeply, as if he were about to start telling a story in an overly dramatic, soap opera style. "When I first saw you that day at the mall, once I got there, and I saw you banging on the glass wall of the elevator, I wanted to ask you out, but by the time I got the courage to ask, you were already rescued from the elevator and long gone and I didn't know that you were THE Ashley Graham. When I finally found out who you were, I started writing secret admirer notes to you and, well, here I am."

Ashley smiled. "Aw, how sweet of you, but that still doesn't explain how you got in here."

"The front door was unlocked. Crikey, you people should start remembering to lock your doors."

"Krauser!"

"I didn't mean to forget!" The commando cried in defense.

"So, what do you say, Ashley? Will you let me take you out on a date?" Luke held his arm out.

"Hmm...okay!" She happily accepted his arm and as he walked her out of the bathroom, she thought to herself, _'This is a GREAT way to spy on Leon and Claire! And it's a good way to make sure Leon doesn't screw up and end up with his head blown off.'_

* * *

I bet none of you saw that coming, huh? I didn't either. O.o Anyway, remember to review and to have a Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow!


	24. Curse Of Silent Hill 4

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

SPOILER ALERT!!!: This chapter contains some of the hauntings and things similar to the hauntings from Silent Hill 4. If anyone considers that as a spoiler (Some people actually do O.o), then don't read! Oh, and if you don't understand something, go play SH4! It rocks!

* * *

Chapter 24: Curse Of Silent Hill 4

* * *

At lunch, Ashley bounced into the kitchen where Leon and Krauser were eating, holding a package in her hands. The way she was jumping around was tempting enough for Krauser to stick his foot out and trip her, but his comrade kicked him hard under the table to make sure he behaved.

"It's here!" The President's daughter cried. "Hooray!"

"What's here?" Leon asked.

"My new game!" The blonde cut the tape sealing the package and pulled something out of the box, sending packing peanuts all over the place. "Ta da! Silent Hill 4!"

Krauser, in shock, spat his drink out all over the brunette's face. "What the hell did you just say?!"

"Silent. Hill. Four. Hey, Leon, wanna come play it with me? You can come, too, Krauser."

"Sure." As the brunette agent went to stand, the older man grabbed his arm roughly.

"Pretty boy, no!" Krauser cried. "Don't go with her! And Ashley, don't you even think about playing that game! Send it right back to where you got it this instant!"

"Geez, Krauser, what's up with you?" The blonde huffed.

"Haven't you heard of the curse?"

Ashley laughed. "Duh, the curse that Eileen gets if you don't protect her, but why are you-"

"No, not that curse. I mean the one that the game itself puts upon whoever plays the game."

Leon tilted his head to the side. "Say what?"

"It doesn't happen to everyone who gets the game. A few people were lucky enough not to get cursed, but that was because there were no ceiling fans in the place where they played the game. There are ceiling fans in almost EVERY room in this damn place!"

"...Get to the CURSE part, Krauser."

"Okay, when you've played Silent Hill 4 for a few hours, at least up to the part where the ceiling fan falls, strange things will happen in the location where you played the game...The same hauntings that were in the game will happen in real life, but they won't begin until a ceiling fan falls down." The scarred man growled when the two began to laugh at him. "It's true, damn it!"

"Sure, Krauser." Ashley giggled. "Come on, Leon."

As the two left, the older agent shook his fist at them, yelling, "You'll be sorry!"

* * *

"This game rocks..." Leon stated absentmindedly when it was once again his turn to play.

"This game's the best ever! This is the very first game that kept my attention for more than an hour!" Ashley gasped when a loud crash noise came from the TV, which had its volume up high to increase the frightening atmosphere. "What was that noise?"

"Let's check it out." The agent moved his player out into the living room and almost went pale. "The ceiling fan's-"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" The blonde ran out of the room, screaming about the curse. She didn't come back until Leon went after her and dragged her back in.

"Now, Ashley." The pretty boy began. "There's absolutely NO curse. Krauser was just being retarded again. You know how he has a habit of doing that." Despite what he said, the agent vaguely believed Krauser's words.

The girl took a deep breath. "You're right. There's no curse. And Krauser is the biggest dumbass ever."

"Great. Now, let's keep playing."

They continued playing until an hour later when they got stuck. Turning the gaming console and the lights off, they left the room.

Leon gasped when he checked his watch. "Damn, it's already six. We've been playing longer than I thought. I gotta get home, Ashley. See ya later."

"Bye, Leon!" Ashley waved at him, and once she was sure he was out the door, she began running around and screaming about the curse again.

* * *

Leon knew today was going to be rough. How did he know? When Krauser refused to enter the White House because of the curse and clung to the gate as the brunette man tugged on his legs was a pretty sure sign.

"NO!!!" Krauser screamed, kicking and flailing one of his legs once he got it out of Leon's grasp. "I won't go back in there! The curse...THE CURSE!!!"

"Stop being stupid and get inside!" The brunette growled.

"Face it, Kennedy, he doesn't know how!" Blade said, who had decided to help the pretty boy after watching him from the window.

"Hey!" The scarred man, clearly pissed, let go of the gate and made a grab for the black haired agent, but failed and hit the ground instead.

"Yes! We got him!" The brunette smiled, then proceeded to drag Krauser to the White House while Blade followed.

A loud crash and a sudden scream got the attention of the three men and without hesitation, they rushed inside. They found the source of the commotion in the living room, where Ashley was.

"Guys..." She choked. "Look..." She pointed at the cause of her scream. Laying on the floor, broken and dented beyond repair, was the ceiling fan.

Leon swallowed hard, then chuckled. "That thing's old, right? It was bound to fall anytime."

"What are you talking about? We got that thing last month. You even helped pick it out, remember?"

Krauser stood there for a few seconds, before calmly turning around and made his leave. "If you guys need me, I'll be at the safety of the diner a couple blocks away from here."

"What's up with him?" Blade asked.

The brunette agent ventured over to the ceiling fan to inspect it for logical cause of its falling. "He thinks there's a curse linked to the Silent Hill 4 game Ashley got yesterday."

"Silent Hill 4? I wanted to play that game, but when I heard from some reviews that it has a different feel to it than the other games in the series, I decided not to buy it."

"It's really good. You should play it sometime." Leon sighed. He could find no explanation whatsoever to the fallen ceiling fan. Not a logical one, anyway. He refused to believe it was the work of the curse. "I don't see how this thing could've fallen on its own. It doesn't look like anyone tampered with it, either." He stood and rubbed the back of his neck.

Ashley, obviously scared, ran towards him, shouting, "Hold me!" She grunted when the brunette shoved her down before she could hold him tightly in her arms.

"Not now, Ashley! I have to go make sure I'm not losing my mind." And with that said, he left.

The blonde stared at the last remaining agent, her eyes watery and full of some sort of expectation. When he realized what it was, Blade hesitantly opened his arms and braced himself for the impact. He heard the President's daughter cry, "Hold me!" before he was knocked to the ground with the blonde on top of him, clinging to him like a leech. Wesker entered the room at that moment and, thinking Ashley was trying to rape the fellow sunglasses-wearer, went to call the police.

* * *

When Leon returned to the living room hours later, he wondered what he missed during his absence as he watched some cops leave.

"Sorry for the misunderstanding." Wesker laughed sheepishly.

"What happened, Wesker?"

"I thought Ashley was trying to rape Blade."

The younger man laughed. "Wesker, girls can't rape guys."

"Yeah, they can."

"How?" The brunette almost went into shock when the blond got close to his ear and told him in a hushed whisper how a girl could do such a horrible act to a man. "Wesker...I am now scarred for life..."

"You're welcome." Wesker smiled sadistically.

"Man, I'm hungry. It's just about lunchtime anyway, so I'm gonna grab a bite to eat."

"I could use something to eat, too." The older agent followed the younger one to the kitchen, only to bump into his back when he stopped dead in his tracks at the entrance. "Why'd you stop?" He looked over the brunette's shoulder and gave a disgusted look at what he saw. Bloody footprints marred the floor, trailing from the spot where Graham usually kept his slippers and stopped right in front of the fridge. "Gross. Someone's on the rag and they didn't clean it up."

"No! It's one of the hauntings..." Leon suddenly let out a girly scream, making Wesker jump. "Krauser actually WAS right!"

Blade rushed into the room, thinking something was wrong with Ashley, but upon seeing it was Leon making all the noise, he became irritated.

"We're gonna die! We're gonna die!" The brunette wrapped his arms around himself. "Oh, my God! We're all gonna-" He was silenced with a punch in the face by the gunman.

"Leon Kennedy, shut the hell up!" Blade grabbed the shorter man's shoulders. "Now listen to me. There's no curse. Krauser's insane and he'll believe any stupid rumor he hears."

"...We're not gonna die?"

"No, but _you_ will if I'm able to hear you from the other side of the White House again." The orange eyed agent released Leon and left to continue with the business he was attending to before he was interrupted.

"Blade's right. There's no curse. No curse."

"Uh, Leon..." Wesker began, staring at the faucet. "I think we need to call a plumber because the water looks really...red."

Leon joined him at the sink and his jaw dropped as he watched the deep crimson water pour from the faucet and disappear down the drain. He repeated to himself in his head that the curse wasn't real and left to find Blade just so he could remind him once more.

* * *

Leon, who was once again assured the curse wasn't real, re-entered the kitchen to get some lunch. He looked around oddly as he heard a cat meowing from somewhere in the room.

"I had no idea the President had a pussy...cat." He shrugged and went to the fridge to first grab a soda. As he opened the door, an awful smell greeted him. "Ew! God damn, this fridge stinks! Don't tell me the milk expired already!"

But when the door was all the way open, he knew it certainly wasn't the milk giving off the scent. On the bottom shelf lay a bloody cat, moving its head around as if in pain. Its tail twitched occasionally, smearing blood here and there. He still refused to believe the curse was real and instead passed it off as his sanity slipping away from him.

"...I have officially gone insane." The brunette slammed the door shut and took a few deep breaths. He re-opened the door and to his surprise, the cat was no longer there, nor was the smell or the blood. "Yup, I've gone insane."

As he left the kitchen, President Graham passed by him, who greeted him warmly.

"Leon, is something wrong?" He asked, taking note of the agent's strange behavior.

"Nothing. I've just gone insane, Mr. Prez, and now I'm going to order a pizza." Leon replied without looking back.

Graham smiled and shook his head. "Kids these days. Always acting so angsty all the time." He opened the fridge to get something to eat when he was presented with the same sight Leon saw. "Holy shit!" He grabbed the milk, completely overlooking the bloody cat. "The milk's expired!"

The brunette agent returned shortly, stating his cell phone wasn't working and had to use the phone in the kitchen.

"Could you get me a pizza, too? I want one with pineapple slices and anchovies on top! Hey, have you ever wondered why they're called pineapples? I looked that up on the internet the other day and the story behind it is interesting. You see, a man named Bob-"

"Mr. President, I'm trying to order a pizza here!"

"...Sorry." Then Graham continued telling the story.

"Geez, no one ever listens to me anymore. Okay, let's see. 555-3750." He dialed the number and waited for someone to answer, though instead of an actual person, he heard a zombie-like moan through a haze of static, then a dial tone. "...Mr. President? Could you check something for me?"

"And then he asked his wife Margaret what he should name the strange new fruit he found, and she said-"

"Mr. President!"

"No, Leon, she didn't say that, but you're pretty close."

"Here." The agent shoved the phone into President Graham's hands. "Dial 555-3750."

"Hey, isn't that the number to that pizza place that just opened up next to the diner a few blocks away?"

"...Just dial the damn number."

"Fine, fine." The President dialed the number. His face contorted into an expression of confusion when he heard the odd sound Leon had heard. "Maybe something's wrong with the phones over there? It _is_ new, like I said. But that's not important right now. What is important is me finishing my story of the origin of the pineapple's name. Now where was I? Oh, yes. Bob asked Margaret what he should call it and she said to name it after her mother-in-law, Applecider. But Bob said-"

Leon slowly crept his way out of the kitchen, leaving Graham to continue his "fascinating" tale about the pineapple.

* * *

"I wonder how the others are...?" Krauser asked himself out loud as he drank his sixth cup of coffee.

"Oh, I give up!" A man cried as he entered the diner and sat at the counter. "Stacy, you won't believe what's going on at my pizza place next door."

"What?" The waitress at the counter asked.

"The phones are messed up! I've had people come into my shop all day, complaining they're hearing static and "zombie noises" whenever they call our number!"

"Jim, the phones you're using over there are over twenty years old."

"Hey, don't be hatin', Stacy. Maybe it's Simon, the guy I hired to answer the phones. Yeah, it's gotta be him!" Jim stood abruptly, knocking his stool over. "I'm gonna fire him ASAP!" He then left with a newfound confidence.

"It's the phones, I'm telling you!" Stacy yelled after him. "That stupid jerk. Oh, well. He's my husband and I still love him."

"Ah, young love..." The beret-wearing agent sighed happily, noting the waitress looked to be around Ashley's age, maybe younger.

* * *

An hour after Leon's incident with the phone, Blade went to the kitchen to get something to clean up a rather smelly mess Jaws made on the carpet. He was followed by said Colmillo, who was looking rather ashamed of himself.

"Um, Mr. President? Are you alright?" The gunman asked, staring oddly at the President as he went on about the origin of the pineapple's name. He was ignored, though, and Graham kept on telling the story. "...Okay then." He grabbed a roll of paper towels and made a quick exit. As he passed by one of the portraits on the walls, he stopped and looked at it. The portrait was of a man, but the picture wasn't hanging there before. In fact, if Blade could recall correct, it wasn't even there when he passed by to get the paper towels.

Jaws backed away from the picture with a whimper, as though it were a threat.

"What happened to the picture of the church?" The agent looked down when he felt a tug on his coat. Jaws was pulling him away from the picture, whimpering in a way that almost sounded like he was crying. "Alright, we're going." He turned to walk away, but suddenly slipped on something and fell on top of the Colmillo. Upon checking to see what it was, he discovered it was a whoopee cushion with Krauser's name on it. "Krauser...You dumbass!"

* * *

In the living room, Blade made himself comfortable in one of the large armchairs, reading a book while trying to tune out the President as he kept on telling his tale to no one. He checked the window, seeing the sun had already started to set. If this kept up for another hour, the gunman would consider calling a psychiatrist for the elder man.

"Hi, Blade!" Ashley greeted him as she entered the living room.

"Hey." The agent replied, keeping his eyes glued to his book.

"Whatcha reading?"

"A book about why some people are stupid enough to believe whatever they hear."

"Oh." The blonde rested her arms on the back of the black haired agent's chair, glancing over the pages of Blade's book in an uninterested manner. After a minute, she got really bored doing that and began playing with his hair. "Your hair's so soft..."

"...Why are you playing with my hair?"

"I'm bored! I would spend some quality time with Daddy, but he's too busy telling a story to thin air." She released the strands of hair in her hand and plopped into the chair across from Blade. The minute her posterior touched the cushion, she jumped right back up. "My seat's all wet!"

Blade nearly choked on his own spit when he saw the seat of the chair was covered in blood, as was the seat of Ashley's jeans.

Wesker entered, not noticing that anything was wrong until he smelt something coppery in the air. After looking at the blood on the chair and Ashley's pants, he pointed an accusing finger at the girl and cried, "Ha! I knew it was you who was on the rag and didn't clean up the mess in the kitchen!"

"I'm not on my period, Wesker!" She growled, then thought about what he just said. "What exactly do you mean by that...?" She felt the back of her pants and brought her hand to her face. "Hey! There's nothing here! But, wait...I know my pants were wet a second ago."

"Huh?" Wesker looked back at the chair, surprised to see the blood was gone. The blonde girl's pants were clean of the thick substance, too. He blinked his eyes a few times, but nothing changed. "But...I saw blood in the chair! And on your ass!" He turned to Blade for help. "You saw it, too, right?"

"Yeah. At least I think so..." The orange eyed agent inspected the chair Ashley sat in, puzzled. "There's nothing here now. It was probably nothing, anyway." He returned to his chair and picked up his book.

The President's daughter gasped. "Oh, crap! I just remembered that Oprah's on!" She frantically searched for the remote..

"Oh, yes, Oprah!" The blond agent jumped over the back of the once-bloody chair and landed in the seat, hard. "Ow!" He rubbed his sore backside. "Oh, I didn't think that would hurt so bad..."

"Seat stealer..." The girl grumbled before making herself comfortable on the floor between the two chairs with the remote in her hands. She flicked on the TV and groaned when nothing but snow and static came up. "I hate this damn TV!" She threw the remote at the TV, which caused the idiot box to turn off for the last time.

"Great, now you broke it." Wesker muttered.

"Oh, no!" Ashley crawled over to the TV and hugged it apologetically. "I didn't mean to hurt you! Please, I'm sorry! Came back to me, Oprah Winfrey!"

The two sunglasses wearers exchanged odd looks, only turning back to the blonde girl when they heard her gasp.

Ashley crawled backwards and pointed at the TV. "A face! The-There's a face on the TV!"

"Holy crap!" Wesker gasped, then went over to the TV to get a better look. "That looks just like a guy I used to work with at Umbrella! Nice guy, but a little bit on the insane side. I think his name was Marcus."

"You're one to talk." Blade said before joining the blond in front of the TV.

"Why'd you freak out, Ashley? There are faces on the TV all the time."

Ashley growled. "Did you happen to forget that I just BROKE the TV, meaning that it's not on right now!"

The agent with slicked back hair stared at the TV screen for about ten seconds before what the blonde said totally sunk in. Once it did, he fell backwards as he almost fainted, though remained conscious when the back of his head came in contact with a shelf.

"Krauser was right!" The girl sobbed. "He was right! There IS a curse!" She left the room in a hurry to find Leon.

"I hate to admit it, but I think I'm starting to believe it, too." The black haired agent said, running his hand along the part of the screen where the face was.

Wesker gasped. "You can't be serious, can you? You're the most rational person here that I know! And you should be agreeing with me that this can't be possible!"

"The incident in Raccoon City and the Las Plagas incident sound irrational and insane, but they happened."

"You do bring up a good point, Blade."

A very high pitched, girly scream nearly broke the agents' eardrums, and was followed by Leon running past them and screaming girlishly, though not as loud as the one he just made. Ashley was in tow, appearing much calmer. In her hands, she held a notepad and a pencil.

"Where are you guys going?" Blade asked.

"We're going to that diner to ask Krauser what he knows about how to get rid of the curse. Come on!" She hurriedly exited the room.

As Blade made it to the door, he turned to Wesker, who still sat in front of the TV. "Aren't you coming?"

"No way. I can believe the events that took place in Raccoon City happened and I can believe the whole Las Plagas thing happened, but not because I was involved in them. This is way beyond the border of crazy and I, for one, am not going to believe this messed up shit!"

"Deny it all you want, but it's happening." With that said, the younger man left.

"Fine! I'll deny it until the day I die!" The blond turned to the TV, and quickly decided to go after the three anyway when the face on the screen suddenly bared its teeth at him. He arrived at the diner no later than the others for they had to stop to calm Leon down.

The group spotted the scarred agent at a booth at the far end of the diner, staring out the window and resting his elbows on the table littered with empty coffee cups.

Krauser looked at them apologetically as they sat down at the booth with him. "Guys, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting. After a long inner conversation with myself, I've realized that there's no curse." He took a drink from the only full cup on the table.

"The curse is real." Leon stated blankly. "We've experienced the hauntings. We came here so you could tell us what to do to get rid of them."

The scarred agent spat his coffee onto the brunette's face again, this time on purpose. "I told you assholes it was real!"

"Just tell us how to get rid of the curse..." Leon growled, wiping his face off with his sleeve.

"We need candles. White candles. And lots of them."

"Candles, got it. Wait, what do we need white candles for?"

"To exorcise the place of all the evil spirits and crap!"

Ashley scribbled down nearly every word the commando was saying, making sure she didn't miss anything vital.

"Oh." The brunette nodded. "Alright, I'll head over to Target. Ashley, go to Wal-Mart. Blade, Jerry's House of Candles, and Wesker...go somewhere other than those three places I just said."

"Hey!" Krauser barked. "What about me?"

"Uh..." The pretty boy thought for a moment. "Go to a church or something. We'll all meet outside the White House in an hour."

The five of them headed to their destinations, but realized they didn't have any credit cards on them and stopped by their homes first to get them.

* * *

"Uh..." Leon stared down both ends of the isle he was in, but so far saw no white candles. He thought he saw a few, but they were actually a very pale blue. "EXCUSE ME!!!" He yelled at the nearest employee, who was quite a distance away. "WHERE ARE THE WHITE CANDLES?!"

"WE SOLD OUT!!!" He yelled back. "HOWEVER, WE HAVE PALE BLUE CAN-"

"I SPECIFICALLY NEED WHITE CANDLES!!!"

"WHAT FOR?!"

"THE WHITE HOUSE IS HAUNTED AND I NEED WHITE CANDLES TO GET RID OF THE EVIL OR I MIGHT GET FIRED!!!"

"SORRY TO HEAR THAT!!! OUR NEXT SHIPMENT OF WHITE CANDLES WILL ARRIVE IN ABOUT THREE WEEKS, SO-"

"IT'LL BE TOO LATE BY THEN!!!"

"SORRY!!!"

"I HOPE YOU GET HIT BY A CAR!!!" Clearly upset, Leon left. To his surprise, the others were waiting for him when he returned to the White House, and they each admitted they had the same luck as him. "Blade, Krauser, how come you guys weren't able to get white candles?" The brunette shook his fist. "The places you went to were guaranteed to have white candles!"

"The only church within five miles of here was a Satanist church!" Krauser barked back.

"It seems Jerry's House of Candles became Jerry's House of Shit That Doesn't Work Anymore just last week." Blade said.

"Krauser? Are we..." Ashley sniffled. "Doomed?"

"Of course not! There is another way..."

The four stared at the commando, waiting for him to tell them what this other method was.

Ashley checked Leon's watch impatiently. "Well...?"

"...I forgot what it was." The next thing Krauser knew, he had been shoved to the ground.

Leon sighed. "Well, let's just go inside and figure out something else."

They entered the White House, heading to the kitchen to think. They arrived just as Graham was finishing up his story.

"And THAT'S how the pineapple got it's name!" He finished with a smile.

"...Who the hell were you talking to, Mr. President?" Krauser asked, his brow raised high.

"Oh, no one ever listens to me anymore! I tell a wonderful story about the pineapple's name and you all just don't pay any attention!"

"I know the feeling..." Leon muttered.

President Graham left, telling the others he was going to lay down in his bedroom for a while. He wasn't gone even for a minute when the agents and his daughter heard him scream, "HOLY SHIT!!! THERE'S A LITTLE BOY'S SHADOW IN MY CLOSET, BUT NO LITTLE BOY!!!" He immediately returned to the kitchen, holding Jaws in his arms. "There's a-"

"We heard!" They yelled at him.

"God, I hope no one sees that cuz if they do, they're gonna think I'm doing what Michael Jackson's known best for!"

"The moonwalk?" Krauser asked.

"No! Inviting little boys to spend the night with him!" The President took a second to calm down and set Jaws on the floor. "What's going on around here? Weird things have been going on all day, and I don't mean the usual kind of weird. I mean really weird, like the dryer in the laundry room spewing out blood!"

"It's the Silent Hill 4 curse, Daddy." Ashley explained. "There's a curse attached to the game and now we're being effected by it."

"How'd we get cursed?! You haven't been talking to tax collectors at night, have you, Ashley? You know what they say about tax collectors who call at night."

"What? No. No, I haven't. I got Silent Hill 4 yesterday and me and Leon played it for hours and then the curse began to take effect this morning."

"So, this is your guys' fault, eh? Well, you better fix it at once! All of you! No one's allowed to go home until this is fixed!"

Krauser shook his fist at Graham. "You can't do this to us! We have lives, too, ya know!"

"I can't? I'm the President, so I can do as I please! Now everyone get to the Oval Office and think of a way to fix it!"

"But-" The brunette began, but was cut off by Graham.

"Fix!"

The five, followed by Graham and Jaws, each took a set somewhere in the Oval Office. The President locked the doors and closed the curtains for he thought they'd be safer that way. The room became eerily dark even though some light from the setting sun was still shining through the curtains.

Leon turned on the mini flashlight keychain attached to his set of keys. "First, I think Krauser should tell us everything he knows about the curse that we don't already know."

"The curse is permanent if you don't do anything about it. The hauntings will continue to come and go and over time, they'll get worse. Up to a point where one of us turns up dead, even. I don't know, I've never heard of this curse causing death yet."

"Can you remember what the other method of removal is?" Blade asked.

"Nope, but I think it has something to do with the game itself."

Graham jumped up. "I got it! We smash it into tiny pieces!"

Ashley gasped. "No! I paid $40 for that game."

"You're rich, you bitch! $40 should be nothing to you!" Krauser frowned. "I wanna be rich...Oh, by the way, that plan won't work, Mr. President."

"Why not?" The President asked. "It makes perfect sense! Like peanut butter mixed with toothpaste."

"Because it's stupid!"

"That also makes perfect sense."

After an awkward silence, the phone rang abruptly, startling everyone. Graham went to answer it, but since Krauser was right next to the phone on the desk, he got to answer it.

"Who the hell is this?!" He asked rudely.

"I'm always _watching _you..." was the response.

"Say what?"

"I'm ALWAYS watching you..."

"Who is this?"

"I'm always _watching _you...I'm ALWAYS watching you..."

"Okay, I get it! Now, tell me who you are."

"I'm always-"

The commando had enough and slammed the phone back down. It began to ring a second time and he tentatively picked it up. "Hello?"

"I'm always _watching _you..."

"Don't you have anything better to do than watch me?! Damn!" He slammed the phone down once more, then growled in annoyance when it rang again for a third time. He answered it and this time, before the person on the other end could speak, he started barking threats. "I'm gonna get someone to bomb you, your family, and your friends if you don't stop calling!"

"Our country only wanted to make an alliance with you!" A different voice answered, speaking with an Arabic accent. "I will tell our army that you have declared war on us. Thank you for being so straight forward, but your rudeness will not be forgiven so soon." Now only a dial tone could be heard.

"...Oops." Krauser gently placed the phone back down.

"Well? Who was it?" Graham asked.

"...It was a wrong number."

"But-"

"It was a wrong number!" Krauser screamed girlishly when a ringing noise caught him off guard. "What's that?"

"Dumbass, haven't you ever heard a doorbell before?" Leon asked. "Want me to get it Mr. Prez?"

Graham nodded. "Sure, go ahead."

Leon left, jogging down the halls while yelling, "I'm coming!" even though the person at the door probably couldn't hear him. He finally reached the front door and looked out the new peephole the President recently had installed, grimly noticing something red was leaking from it. On the other side of the door stood a bloody man who could easily pass as Leon himself. He appeared to be speaking, but no words could be heard.

The brunette gasped. "Holy crap! A fan of mine has been shot cuz obviously one of my enemies thought he was me!" He threw open the door, only to find no one there. "Hello?" He leaned outside and looked around. "Hello? Fan boy?" He shrugged and closed the door. A mere second later, the doorbell began ringing yet again. He peeked out once more and saw his doppelganger standing there, as if he never moved in the first place. "That's not a fan boy...That's one of the..." He ran back to the Oval Office before he could finish his sentence.

"Who was it?" The President asked.

"...Wrong number." Leon sat down in the chair at the desk.

"Um...okay then...Anyway, let's not waste anymore time lollygagging! Don't forget why you guys are here."

"Cuz my parents had too much to drink and my mom forgot to take her pill and my dad had nothing to use but a sock one night thirty two years and ten months ago?" Krauser asked.

"...No. You need to figure out how to reverse this curse. Heh, that rhymed..."

"But we didn't even do anything! Hell, I tried to stop the kid and pretty boy, but they didn't listen, so why do we have to stay here with them?"

"I love torturing you because you're an idiot!"

The commando pointed at the two agents wearing sunglasses. "But they aren't, so why do they have to stay, too?"

"...They're much smarter than you'll ever be, so they'll be of good use." Graham stood. "Well, Jaws and I are going to go feed the shark that just randomly appeared one day in the pool out back. Have fun!" The minute he left, the scarred agent dashed to the windows, ripping off the curtains.

"I'm getting us out of here!" He declared, holding a chair high over his head. He slammed it into one of the windows as hard as he could, but the window remained intact while the chair busted. "What the hell? Oh, damn, that's right! Like in Silent Hill 4, you get trapped in the place where you played the game!"

Ashley looked puzzled. "But...how come the hauntings happened way before this did?"

"Oh, how am I supposed to know?! I'm not God or the all knowing Naraku!"

"I'm gonna go check the front door to see if we can still use it." Leon got up and left. He came back looking utterly shocked. "The door's completely chained from the inside."

The President and his companion came back soon after Leon returned. "Alright, who chained back door shut?"

"We're gonna die!" Ashley screamed. "I don't wanna die a virginia!"

"Virgin." Krauser corrected her. "And don't worry, kid. We'll figure out how to get out of here in no time."

* * *

"I can't believe we've been here for three days and we STILL haven't figured out how to get out!" Krauser cried. He unsheathed his dagger and held it up. "It's useless. I say we kill ourselves!"

"How about _we_ keep trying to figure out how to get out of here while _you_ kill yourself?" Leon suggested.

"You're not nice. I hope you die first. Actually, I hope you and Ashley die first cuz if you would've listened to me, none of this would've happened!"

Ashley sobbed. "Why didn't we listen to Krauser?!"

"Don't worry about it, Ashley. None of use would've listened to Krauser." Wesker said as he patted the girl on the head. "Even Krauser himself wouldn't have listened to himself."

"Shut the hell up, slick back." The beret-wearing agent turned away from Wesker with a 'hmph'.

"I can't take this anymore!" The President screamed as he banged on the window. "Blade, I order you to shoot the window!"

Blade sighed. "But, Mr. President, I've already shot the window AT LEAST twenty times. If they were going to break, they would've by now. Besides, I'm out of ammo."

"Grr..." Ashley stood and stomped angrily out of the room. The men followed her, curious as to what she was planning on doing. She threw open the door to the game room and viciously tore the Silent Hill 4 game disc from the PS2.

"Ashley? Honey, what are you doing?" Graham asked, almost scared of his daughter's actions.

"I'm gonna do what I should've done a few days ago when this whole thing started. I'm getting revenge!" She headed to the living room with the men in tow. She placed the disc on the floor in front of the TV, then went behind the idiot box and shoved it forward. It landed on the disc with a loud shatter and through that, a crack was heard. Ashley smiled at her handiwork.

The atmosphere suddenly felt lighter than it had in days. Oddly, the ceiling fan was back in its proper place on the ceiling when the group turned around, and the front door was clear of chains and blood. To make sure everything was fine again, Krauser punched one of the windows. He held his hand to his face and smiled when he found it bloody and glass was protruding from his fist.

"Yay!" He cried, throwing his hands up. He accidentally smacked his wounded hand against the wall, shoving a few shards of glass in deeper. "Ow!"

"It's a miracle!" Leon cried.

"That's right!" The commando gasped. "The other method to breaking the curse IS breaking the disc! Well, hell, I knew that."

The brunette glared at him. "Then why did you say it was a stupid idea earlier?"

"I've never actually played the game, so I mixed some things up. I thought in the game, you had to get rid of the hauntings by using white candles AND breaking a disc. For the real life curse, I thought you could only use white candles and some other thing that I still can't remember. I think it was a medallion or something." He got very uncomfortable when everyone glared at him and took a step towards him. "Guys...Hey, now, let's not get violent here...Think of what Jesus would do!"

A few moments later, Krauser was running from the White House, screaming that someone was going to kill him. He was followed by the others, who were brandishing weapons. Even Jaws was in on the chase, his whip-like tentacles protruding from his back.

"At times like these, I wish I had listened to my mom and became a pharmacist!" The scarred agent cried.

* * *

Man, this has got to be THE longest M:AI chappy ever! I'm so proud. X3

Why did I make a SH related chapter, you ask? Very simple. I got the idea after something similar to the TV haunting happened to me about two weeks ago. O.o I know, shocking but true. I made a joke about it being the 'curse of Silent Hill 4', a fictional curse I made up as a joke a few months ago when I first got the game and heard about the hauntings that take place after the ceiling fan falls. I thought it would make a great M:AI chapter, so...ta da!


	25. Psychic Psycho

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 25: Psychic Psycho

* * *

Wesker panted heavily as he ran towards the Oval Office. In his wake, innocent passersby were shoved to the ground, spilling either their paperwork or their morning coffee. It was still early, meaning the President most likely hadn't got word of the incident that happened just outside the White Houseyet. Finally, he reached his destination and after pausing to catch his breath, threw open the doors, startling Graham, Leon, and Krauser.

"Mu-Murder!" He gasped breathlessly. "Outside..."

"Wesker, what the hell are you going on about?" The President asked, eyeing the blond man oddly.

Wesker inhaled deeply and began explaining things more calmly. "There was a murder...outside the White House."

"..." Graham merely stared at Wesker before he burst out laughing.

"What's so funny, Mr. President?"

"That's a good one, Wesker! Hah, a murder. You slay me. Listen, Wesker, if there really was a murder, I would've heard about it by now."

Leon and Krauser stared at each other in disbelief. There had obviously been a murder just outside the White House because the scene of the crime could clearly be seen from the windows. Furthermore, they were shocked because during the past twenty minutes they were in the Oval Office, the President had been staring outside. At one point, he even opened a window to yell at the police to keep it down. Neither brought up the subject of the murder, though, because they figured it would put President Graham in low spirits and the last time that happened, he got drunk and began dancing naked on the front lawn with a curtain wrapped around his neck like a cape, yelling, "This is Sparta!"

"Mr. President, for the past twenty minutes, you've been staring right at the crime scene!" Leon sighed heavily. "Oh, God, I don't get paid enough for this..."

"Huh?" Graham turned in his office chair to stare outside once more. "Oh, there was a murder." The seriousness of the tragic event that happened suddenly hit him and he stood abruptly, knocking over his chair. "Holy shit! Someone got murdered!" He made a mad dash outside, followed shortly by the three agents.

Ashley and Blade were seen standing near the chalk outline of where the victim once was. Ashley held her hand over her mouth as she stared at the scene in utter horror. Blade scanned over the scene, making a grim facial expression that made him appear almost nauseous every time he looked over a large spot of blood.

"Ashley!" The President ran over to his daughter, blinding her with a makeshift blindfold of police tape. "Don't look! A girl your age shouldn't see such things!"

The three agents stopped and stared at the scene.

"Whoa..." Leon said, looking around the crime scene as if it just appeared out of thin air. "What happened here?"

"Well," A nearby police officer began, "it seems that a young lady was on her way home when she was jumped and murdered with some sort of sharp object. Her purse was discovered about 10 feet from her body and everything was taken from it except for her ID. We currently have no clues as to who the suspect is."

"Oh, sure!" Krauser barked. "You happen to know this bitch was one her way home and she got robbed and killed, but you don't know who did it! How the hell do you know she was robbed, anyway? Maybe all she had in her purse was her ID and someone just randomly attacked her!"

The brunette agent stared at the older man before saying, "...Krauser. Shut up."

"Besides," The President's daughter added. "it's a known fact that women carry more than one thing in their purse. The average amount of items found in a lady's purse, I'd say, would have to be ten."

"And how would you know what the hell a girl carries in her purse, Ashley?" Krauser asked.

The blonde stared at the older agent in disbelief before turning away, ignoring his question.

"I hope you guys catch the creep soon." The pretty boy said.

"Me, too." The cop nodded. "But right now, we have no leads whatsoever." The officer covered his ears when a sharp scream erupted from Ashley. "Damn, that hurt! Anyway, whoever did this will most likely do it again. Possibly in the same area." He covered his ears once more when an even sharper scream came from the President. "Will you people stop screaming?! Damn, if I could, I'd arrest you for that!"

"He could be anywhere, eh?" The commando rubbed his chin in thought. As he looked closer at the crime scene, he saw an obvious path of bloody footprints leading from the chalk outline to the White House gates, then straight into the bushes outside the Oval Office, which happened to rustle as he set his sight on them. "I wonder where that guy could be...?" He was then hit by a strong urge to urinate and, since he randomly locked the doors behind him on the way out, went over to the bushes to relieve himself. Just as he was about to pull his pants down, the bushes rustled again. Alarmed, he re-zipped his pants and jumped back. The urge to piss had gotten very strong by now, and whether he wanted to or not, he was gonna go in seven seconds. Quick as a cheetah, he reached into the bushes, grabbed whoever was hiding in them, and tossed the individual far enough for them to hit the fence with a very loud clang.

Everyone turned their attention to the person Krauser threw into the fence, and those who were close enough were able to see the blood smeared on the bottom of the man's shoes.

"That's the guy!" The cop who explained the situation to the three agents cried.

"Oh, crap..." The man said as a few cops closed in on him. He began screaming when they jumped on him and beat him into submission.

"Shut the hell up back there!" Krauser barked as he relieved himself.

"Oh, my God! Krauser caught the murderer!" Ashley cheered.

"That man is a hero!...And he's psychic!" One of the cops standing by cried.

Leon chuckled. "Psychic? Krauser's about as psychic as a drunk person on crack."

"You're just jealous because you wish you were psychic like that guy." The cop sneered.

The brunette just waved him off. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

* * *

Later in the day when things had calmed down and people had finished congratulating Krauser on a job well done, Leon, Ashley, Wesker, and Blade sat down with the commando to tell him what the cop said.

"Psychic?" Krauser repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah." Leon nodded. "But how'd you know that guy was in the bush, anyway?"

"I don't know. Something just told me that there was someone in the bush and that they were directly related to the murder."

"Oh, my God! He IS psychic!" Ashley grinned broadly. "Oh, this means I'll finally get an exact date on when the Silent Hill 2 movie comes out!"

"Just so you know, the sequel already came out." Wesker said.

"...Wow, how'd I miss-"

The brunette agent shook his head. "No, Wesker, the sequel didn't count as official because it was from some noob movie director in New Zealand, it was only eight minutes long, there was little to no plot in it, there was no advertisement for it at all, and at the end, it featured one of those dumb screamers you find online."

"Really?" Wesker asked, interested.

"Yeah. The director got a big lawsuit on his ass due to copyright infringement."

"How appropriate."

"I agree. Anyway, back on the subject of Krauser being _psychic_, I really think that's a load of-"

"Whoo!" The scarred agent jumped up from his seat. "I'm psychic! Oh, yeah!" He proceeded to jump around the room and happily scream about being psychic.

Blade shook his head as he watched the older agent jump for joy. "I can believe he's an inbred. I can believe he has the IQ of a paper bag; maybe lower. I can even believe he literally has half a brain, but I can't even imagine him being psychic."

"I can't believe your eyes are naturally orange." The blond agent retaliated.

"Just because your eyes got that way unnaturally doesn't mean mine did as well."

"Wesker!" Leon cried, surprised. "Don't tell me you actually believe Krauser's psychic!"

The older man shrugged. "You never know, Leon. Perhaps he's even smarter than he lets on."

"...Trust me, Wesker. I've know him for years, so I should know how smart he is and believe me-" The brunette was interrupted when a certain commando accidentally jumped into a bookshelf and fell onto his back, now hidden under a pile of books. "That's as much smart as you're gonna get from him."

"Not everyone who has an extraordinary talent is smart. Jessica Simpson is a good example."

"Krauser has no extraordinary talent! Krauser is Krauser, end of story!"

And so the subject was dropped...for the time being.

* * *

The moment Leon and Krauser entered the White House the next morning, they were immediately dragged into the kitchen by Ashley. Blade and Wesker were already there, looking over the front page of today's newspaper.

"What's up, kid?" Krauser asked.

"You're famous!" The blonde replied. "Look!" She took the newspaper from Wesker and held it up for the other two agents to see. The headline read, _Psychic Man Finds Killer In Bushes...And Then Urinates In Them_, accompanied by a fine picture of Krauser standing before the bushes, relieving himself.

"What the hell?!" The brunette exclaimed.

The commando nodded. "I know! That's a terrible picture of me! You can only see my backside!"

"...That isn't what I meant, Krauser."

"Pretty boy, this should be proof I'm psychic!"

"You know the press has the right to lie, don't you?"

"Jealous." The commando scoffed, turning away from his younger companion.

Leon looked past Krauser at Blade, motioning for him to back him up. The black haired agent only shrugged, to which the brunette replied with his middle finger.

The President entered, followed by Jaws. In his hands he held a folded piece of paper.

"Krauser," He began. "some detective called and said he wanted you to come down to this address." He handed the paper to the beret-adorning agent. "Said you were needed to help solve a murder or something."

"Alright, Krauser!" Ashley congratulated him, giving him a small slap on the back. "You're in business!"

"...Are you for real?" Leon asked. As the President opened his mouth to answer, the agent interrupted him. "Never mind. Don't answer that."

"Time to put my psychic powers to work!" Krauser said triumphantly, heading out of the kitchen. He was immediately followed by Ashley, Blade, and Wesker.

"I guess I'll go, too." The remaining agent reluctantly followed, while Graham and his pet happily tailed him.

* * *

"What the hell?" Krauser said, staring at the crime scene. On the wall of the police station, an exact portrait of the victim was painted in blood, presumably their own.

"We have no idea what could've possibly happened." The detective said.

"Hmm..." The commando closed his eyes and held his hand towards the blood painting, wiggling his fingers and making odd noises. The other three agents, the President, and his daughter stared at him as if he just lost it. Finally, he opened his eyes and snapped his fingers. "Suicide!"

"Suicide?" The detective looked at him questioningly.

"Yeah. See, the victim obviously was trying to get in the book of world records, so he cut himself and began painting his portrait with his own blood on the police station!"

The detective gasped. "Of course! It was so obvious! You did it again, Mr. Krauser. I was skeptic at first, but after seeing your powers at work first hand, I-"

"He's NOT psychic!" Leon growled. "If you really believe he's psychic, then you shouldn't be a detective! You should be a bingo caller! How can you be so sure it was a suicide, anyway? What proof do you have?"

"I think you should look at this, Leon." Blade said, kneeling over the body of the victim.

"What?" He kneeled next to Blade by the corpse.

"It's a suicide note."

"Say what?! Gimme that!" He forcefully grabbed the note from the younger agent, causing him to get a serious paper cut.

"Ow!" The gunman hissed, glaring at Leon as he held his wounded finger.

"Okay, so it's a suicide note, but how do you know the man wrote it?"

"Well," The detective held up a video camera. "we just found this and I put it on fast forward. In the tape, it shows the guy writing the letter, then it shows all the painstaking hours he spent painting his portrait, then it shows him collapsing on the ground."

The blonde girl squealed and hugged Krauser. "He IS psychic! He really is psychic!"

"I still say he isn't!" Leon cried.

* * *

Leon stared almost menacingly at Krauser as he innocently sat on the couch, reading a magazine. Even once in a while, he would look up to see if his younger friend was still staring, and upon seeing he still was, he would slowly, almost fearfully, turn his attention back to his magazine. The cycle continued on for about twenty minutes before Krauser finally asked what the hell Leon's problem was.

"If you're such a good psychic, why don't you tell me what's the problem?" The brunette said in a near-mocking voice.

"Leon, psychology doesn't work that way."

"That's the science of mind and behavior."

"Whatever, you know what I mean!"

"Prove it, Krauser. Prove to me that you're psychic."

"Okay, fine. I will." The commando turned back to his magazine.

"...Well?"

"Well what?"

"When are you gonna prove to me that you're psychic?"

"When the time is right, pretty boy."

"...You suck."

"Jaws is about to run by with one of the President's pornos in his mouth, and Graham will be right on his tail."

A mere moment later, Jaws ran by, indeed holding some sort of pornography in his mouth. Just as Krauser predicted, the President was right behind him, yelling at him to give it back. Leon watched flabbergasted as the two left, wondering how his friend could've possibly known something so specific would happen. Perhaps he really was psychic. Then again, if he were wrong about this, Leon would have to brand himself as the biggest idiot ever, which he'd already done a couple times before, and by now, he was really trying his hardest not to get to twenty. He was getting close, though. Just one idiotic decision away, to be exact.

"I still don't believe you!" Leon declared.

"Oh, but you will...You WILL..."

* * *

Two weeks went by and as each day passed, Krauser was seen less and less around the White House. He kept getting jobs from the police to help them solve crimes and murders with his psychic powers and in return, got a hefty sum of money. While he was around, he kept convincing every one of the non-believers he was psychic, including Blade. The only non-believer left was Leon, who firmly stood his ground when he said Krauser was a fraud.

One morning, Leon sat in the kitchen of the White House, trying to come up with an explanation of Krauser _psychic abilities_. He glared at the sheet of paper he wrote all the possibilities on, all of which were, _He really is psychic_. He hunched over the paper again and tapped his pencil on the table. He was so caught up in thinking of more possibilities that he didn't even notice Blade leaning over his shoulder to read what was on the paper. He finally noticed him when the gunman said his name, thus startling the brunette so badly that he screamed and fell out of his seat.

"Don't DO that!" Leon growled before climbing back into his seat.

"What are you doing?" The younger agent asked, picking up the sheet.

"Trying to figure out what's Krauser's secret."

"Well, it seems you've come to the right conclusion, considering you got the same answer all over your paper."

"You don't honestly believe he's psychic, do you, Blade?"

"I do." He sat down next to the brunette agent. "I was skeptical at first like you, but then the idiot did something that amazed me. He managed to guess what number I was thinking about."

"...So?"

"The first number I chose was somewhat easy, then I kept going and as the numbers got harder, Krauser guessed them as if the answers were right in front of him. I mean, I was starting to go into the millions and even added letters in before I was certain they weren't just lucky guesses."

"...I STILL say he's not psychic!"

"Hello there, boys." President Graham greeted as he entered, wearing his pajamas, slippers, and a night cap. "What are you doing?"

"Talking about Krauser's _psychic powers_." Leon threw his pencil down. "This is too hard!"

"You know, I have a story that might clear things up for you." He took a seat on the other side of the pretty boy. "You see, a man named Bob..."

Leon looked at Blade in confusion as the President continued the story, wondering how the story of the pineapple's name would clarify things. They slowly and quietly slipped out, and on their way to find a more private place to chat, ran into Krauser, who happened to be bragging on to Jaws about his latest case.

"And then I-" The scarred agent looked up when he noticed he and the Colmillo were no longer alone. "Oh, hey guys! Lemme tell ya about what happened yesterday. You see, I was outside, pouring itching powder into the President's pool, when-"

A girlish scream, presumably by Wesker, came from outside, interrupting the agent, then followed by, "ITCHY!!!"

Krauser chuckled, then continued. "Anyway, then Jaws came out with my ringing cell phone. I answered it and it was this cop who said there's ANOTHER copycat murderer on the loose."

"Another?" Leon raised his brow suspiciously. A little over a week ago, Krauser had been called to track down a killer, and after he gave a name and the suspect was arrested, there was another murder done in the exact same fashion the next day. The process kept repeating itself, and oddly, the police just thought there were many copycats and overlooked the fact that Krauser might be wrong.

"Copycat murders? This is the first time I'm hearing about this." The black haired agent said.

"Some assholes keep copying the asshole I had arrested over a week ago! Everyday, there's a new guy!" The scarred agent growled. "Why the hell do so many people keep wanting to copy him?!"

"...Blade, can I talk to you for a sec?" Leon asked, and before the younger agent could respond, he grabbed his arm and dragged him back into the kitchen, where the President was still telling his story. "See?! That's proof right there that Krauser isn't psychic! Everything was just pure luck!"

"I don't know, Leon. I really don't think he's bright enough to just get so many lucky guesses in a row."

"I'm not really that bright either, Blade, and I'm not able to get THAT many lucky guesses in a row. Don't tell me you think there's more than one killer out there."

"Perhaps not, but then again, how can we be so sure?"

Leon gave Blade an odd look before the gunman left.

* * *

The next day, Leon seemed to be in a panic. The first words out of his mouth when he came to work were, "Where's Krauser?!"

Graham, startled by his behavior, meekly pointed at the door and said he was at the scene of the latest murder over at the park. Without another word, the brunette left and assembled Blade and Wesker before driving off to the park.

"What's this all about?" Wesker asked.

"Krauser's been caught by the killer, the REAL killer, and if we don't do something, he's gonna die!" Leon replied, pressing down hard on the gas pedal.

"What? How do you know this?"

"I was snooping around Krauser's stuff this morning after he left really early and I found out he's been calling this psychic hotline. I called the number this morning and I was told the killer was gonna catch Krauser and if I didn't hurry, he'd kill him."

The blond gasped. "So THAT'S what happened. Krauser wasn't really psychic at all. He got the hotline to predict all the answers to the psychic tests we'd give him so we'd believe him, and the murders, too. That dirty sneak!"

"The lady at the psychic hotline told me he stopped calling all together cuz he thought he really was psychic, so that's why the police think there are a bunch of copycats out there. Because they kept arresting the wrong people."

Blade laughed. "Shows how smart he is."

_

* * *

_Krauser thought as he ran deep into the park. Many trees surrounded him, almost making it seem like he were in a dense forest. His _senses_ told him the killer was in an abandoned shack hidden in the part of the park where people rarely come. After running for what seemed like hours, but really only five minutes, he came across the shack he was looking for. Without a moment's hesitation, he kicked down the door and looked around the bleak, dark shack. "Where the hell are you?!" 

"I knew you'd be coming." A male voice said knowingly.

"How?"

"Because unlike you, I'm REALLY psychic."

"If you knew I was coming, how come you didn't run?"

"Because I know the tables have turned in my favor."

"Huh?" The agent suddenly felt a presence behind him and as he turned, an unknown assailant broke a chair over his head. The last thing he saw before he blacked out was the object he was hit with.

* * *

The agents arrived at the scene and to their dismay, they didn't see Krauser amongst the police. He'd already been captured, they assumed.

"Where's Krauser?" Leon asked the nearest cop.

"The psychic?" The cop thought for a second. "Uh, he said he knew where the killer was and ran off to get him."

"And you let him go by himself? What kind of cop are you?!"

"Hey, he left during our doughnut break! Blame him, not us."

"You guys suck! Now, which way did Krauser go?"

"He ran into the part of the park no one goes to."

"Come on, guys!" The brunette lead the other two agents deep into the thicket of trees. Shortly, they caem across the shack Krauser stumbled upon.

"Could this be where Krauser is?" Wesker asked. He was answered by an all too familiar scream. "Yeah, he's here."

"Krauser!" Leon leaped through one of the windows, glass flying everywhere. When he sat up, the sight before him made his jaw drop. Krauser and the alleged killer where sitting around a couple cases of beer, drinking and laughing as if they were old buddies reunited. "What...the...hell?"

"Hey, pretty boy!" Krauser said, thoroughly intoxicated. "This is Dwayne, my old college buddy."

"Yo." Dwayne greeted, tossing his now empty can into the fireplace, where many more empty beer cans lay.

"Did you save Krauser yet?" Wesker asked, looking in the broken window along with Blade. "Hey, what the hell's going on in there?"

"Slickback, foot long! Hey there!" The commando held up an unopened can of beer. "Join us!"

The two sunglasses-wearing agents stared at each other in confusion.

"Krauser, what the hell is going on here?!" The pretty boy demanded.

"I can explain." Dwayne stood. "First off, I am the killer. Second of all, since Krauser was my old college buddy, I decided to let him live and confess my evil deeds to him."

"...Okay, that explains a little bit. But why did you kill those people?"

"All my life, I've wanted to do something that I could be recognized for, and at the rate I was going, this was my only option."

"You do realize that the police think you're one of the many _copycat killers_, right?"

"Really? Oh, God damn it!"

"You didn't know?"

"No! I've been in this shack the whole time, waiting for the cops to find me!"

"But wait!" The scarred agent pointed a finger at Dwayne. "You said you were...psychic."

"Yup." Dwayne nodded. "I just didn't use my powers because I was afraid of what I'd find out. Today I used them and that's how I knew you were coming, Krauser."

"...Oh. Well, how come you hit me over the head with a chair?!"

"That was our greeting back in college, remember?!"

The commando nodded. "No."

Leon then remembered something. "Speaking of being psychic, the jig's up, Krauser. I found out the source of your _psychic powers_."

"You did? Damn!"

"Do you realize how many innocent people you put in jail?" Blade asked.

"A lot!" Krauser laughed. "But seriously, I'm sorry."

The brunette agent stood up and held a hand out to his older companion. "Come on, Krauser. Time for both of you guys to confess."

"Fine," He took the younger man's hand and stood. "but I'm keeping all the money I got from the police!"

* * *

By the end of the week, everything was back to normalcy. Both Krauser and Dwayne confessed and Dwayne was arrested while all of those who were falsely arrested as the real killer and copycats were released. The people who were arrested before the whole copycat killer incident were still imprisoned due to the evidence found against them. Krauser was sued by the police and lost all the money he made from his false psychic predictions. For the next couple of days, people were ignoring him because they were pissed that he cheated using a psychic hotline, but by now they'd gotten over it.

And right about now, Leon was extremely happy that he didn't make it to twenty.

* * *

Yay, I finally updated!


	26. Leon & Krauser's Bogus Journey Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 26: Leon & Krauser's Bogus Journey Part I

* * *

Krauser watched quietly and intensively as Leon added another card to the large house of cards they were building. So far, four full decks had been used and they were just about to start on their fifth one. Slowly, Krauser opened a new deck and handed Leon a card. He had to be careful because the brunette was currently in "the zone" and one quick movement could startle him into a heart attack. Of course, he thought it would be funny, but decided to save it for another time. Right now, they were trying to beat the current world record for largest house of cards. They would run out of room at some point due to the ceiling, but they would take care of that when the time came. They planned to bust the ceiling open to allow space for the house of cards.

As Leon was about to put another card in place, the door was harshly thrown open by the President. The sudden event was enough to startle the brunette greatly, causing him to gasp loudly and grab his chest before collapsing on the floor. Not only that, but the entire house of cards came falling to the floor with him.

"Holy shit, pretty boy!" The older agent got down next to his fallen comrade. "You're not having a heart attack, are you?"

"That depends..." Leon groaned. "Is your head supposed to hurt when you have a heart attack?"

"No."

"I'm good, then." He gasped when he saw he was surrounded by cards and sat up. "Our world record!" He glared at the President, pointing at him. "You..."

"Leon, this is no time for death threats!" Graham growled, then straightened himself. "I have a very important mission for the two of you."

"But we already cleaned all your damn limos!" Krauser whined. "We even got the cheese smell out of the one with my face dent still in it! And we even waxed them all...twice! If you're asking us to do all that shit again, then you've got another thing coming, buddy!"

"I'm serious, boys. This mission is so important that if you accomplish it perfectly, I'll give you both a raise."

"A raise?!" Both agents shouted and grinned at each other.

The younger agent stood up. "Okay. What's the mission, Mr. Prez?"

"I need you boys to travel to...uh...whatever the hell the capital of Missouri is. You need to go to the big-ass hotel that's on Elm Street there and find room 342. A lady will be there to escort you to Canadia."

"...Don't you mean Canada?"

"No! There's a REALLY tiny country in between Maine and Canada called Canadia. No one knows about it cuz it's so tiny, and it's not a country legally so no map maker is allowed to put it on the map. That's why you need the escort. Because even if it were on a map, you'd never be able to find it! That's how tiny it is!"

"Why do we need to go to Canadia?" Krauser asked. "And how small IS this country, anyway?"

"Your reason for going to Canadia is currently classified information and the country is so small that the population is 800."

"Why can't we know-"

"Cuz it's classified! But you'll know as soon as you reach Canadia. When you get there, find the man in the business suit with the Australian accent. Trust me, he'll be the only one there with an accent and a business suit, so you'll have no trouble finding him. He'll call me so I know you actually made it to Canadia and I'll tell him why you're there, he'll tell you, and then you guys will continue with your mission."

The brunette gave a thumbs up to President Graham. "No problem. When do we leave?"

"Right now."

The older agent whined. "Can't we do it lat-"

"No!"

* * *

Krauser was not a happy man. For one thing, it was raining hard, and that pissed him off because he wanted to roll down the window and hang his head out. Though, if he did that and happened to fall out, he would probably die because the President ordered them to drive a large eighteen-wheeler, the Invisi-Car's replacement while it was being tuned up. This was the second reason for his poor mood. He severely hated rigs of any kind because of an incident that happened during one of his driving lessons years ago. The one he'd taken that fateful day was, oddly, on the highway and as the teacher was complimenting him on how well he was doing so far, a massive rig pulled up next to them. The driver was very inexperienced at driving a rig and accidentally hit the car Krauser was driving with the back end of the massive vehicle. Krauser and the teacher were okay, but had they been hit any harder, they would've crashed into a nearby gas station and die a fiery death. Ever since, the agent hated rigs and those who drove them.

Leon was the exception, considering he was his best friend and an agent by profession, not a truck driver.

Lastly, he was unhappy because it was the dead of night, and instead of sleeping, he had to be looking at a stupid map. On top of that, driving at night on the highway while it was raining always did freak him out a little bit, though he never gotten in an accident in such conditions.

"This frickin' sucks!" Krauser grumbled, hitting the dashboard with his boot-clad foot. He now seemed only bummed about the weather and the lack of sleep, seeing that so far, his younger companion was driving the rig quite safely.

"Just shut up and keep an eye on the map."

"Yeah, yeah." He returned his vision back to the oversized map he held. "Uh...okay, it says here we have to turn onto Route 57."

"...We PASSED Route 57 five minutes ago..."

"...Oops." The older man grinned sheepishly. "It's okay, though!" He said in quick defense. "It says here we can take Route 34 instead, and that's just up ahead."

"You better be right about this, Krauser, or at our next stop, I'm gonna leave you there!"

"I love you, too, Leon." The commando muttered sarcastically.

The brunette raised a brow when he heard what sounded like a loud thump in the back. "Krauser, did you hear a thump just now?"

"Nope." The older man then laughed. "You're losing it, pretty boy. Only an hour into our little mission and already you're losing it!"

The thump was heard again, this time louder. The commando definitely heard it, but pretended not to just to piss Leon off. Or freak him out. Which ever one ended in the older man not getting hurt suited him just fine. Five minutes of stifled giggling blew his cover and the pretty boy pulled over to see what was making the thumping noise. The brunette cautiously opened the doors of the cargo hold to see what the hell was making the racket. A small amount of water poured out, due to them being on a hill and the fact that the cargo had many holes in the top in need of patching. Upon turning on his flashlight and shining it in the darkness, he caught sight of two lumps sitting in the far corner, moving only slightly. At the sight of this, Leon once again grasped at his chest and collapsed.

"Damn, what the hell is taking pretty boy so long?!" Krauser asked after a mere minute of waiting. He hopped out of the truck and ran back to find Leon on the ground. "NOW what's wrong with you?"

"Someone's in there!" The younger man replied silently, almost unheard over the rain.

"What the hell?" The scarred agent grabbed the flashlight laying on the ground and pointed it into the back of the truck, accidentally targeting it on a face inches away from his own. He let out a girlish scream and in one second flat, he joined Leon on the ground.

The person whom Krauser nearly blinded pulled himself forward to see if the agents were alright. The two fallen men were frightened, at least until lightening struck and in the few seconds there were light, they made out slicked-back blond hair and dark sunglasses.

"Wesker?" Leon squeaked.

"Who else could it possibly be?" Wesker ran a hand over his hair to keep it from falling in his face. He made a quick mental note to buy a better brand of hair gel later.

The second form that was seen in the back of the cargo hold came into view. It was none other than Blade.

"Foot long!" Krauser cried happily, sitting up. "Hey, what are you guys doing here?"

"The President ordered us to follow you." The gunman replied, then shook his head to rid some of the wetness from it, accidentally smacking Wesker in the face with a long lock of hair. "We had to hide back here because you guys were already starting the truck when we got outside."

"Damn, you guys must be cold. Come on up front with us! There's plenty of room."

And the commando was right. There was plenty of room for the four of them to sit without crushing one another. Hell, they could probably fit a fifth person inside and there'd still be plenty of room to get comfortable.

Blade and Wesker hogged the blanket Krauser was planning on using when he got a chance to sleep, sitting close to each other to share body heat. Krauser really didn't mind because he knew that he most likely wouldn't get a chance to sleep until it was totally dry, anyway.

"Are we going the right way?" Leon asked.

"Uh..." The older agent glanced over the map. "No."

"...Blade, hit Krauser for me."

Without hesitation, the orange eyed agent reached over and smacked the scarred agent on the back of his head.

"Ow! What did I do?!" Krauser rubbed the back of his head. "Damn!"

"Just tell me how to get back on course."

* * *

Leon was not a happy man. Things were going just swimmingly until it was eight in the morning and he realized that by now, they should've been in Missouri. That's when he drove by a sign that said they were now entering North Dakota. Just after he passed the sign, one of the many tires blew and the rig skid off the road. It came very close to hitting a tree, but missed at the last second. Now, Leon was repetitively kicking the blown tire, yelling colorful swears.

The other three agents stood a few yards away, conversing on what they should do. After five minutes of what quickly turned into arguing, they figured they had no choice but to hitchhike. They stood by the side of the road, motioning with their thumbs that they needed a lift. In addition, Krauser pulled up his pants leg and flashed his leg.

Many cars passed by, and every once in a while, a car being driven by a girl or held a couple of girls would go by and the woman or women would shout out at Krauser, making hot comments or just giving a wolf whistle. At least once he was complimented by a man driving by. It wasn't until ten minutes had passed that a car finally came to a screeching halt. A woman stuck her head out the window, setting her sights on Leon. Wesker instantly recognized the woman by her brunette ponytail.

"Leon?" The woman called out.

Leon, who was still kicking the blown tire, stopped and turned when he heard his name called. "Claire?" He took a few steps forward to get a better view. Once he was certain he identified the woman correctly, he ran up to the car, shouting her name. "Claire, what are you doing here?"

"I was visiting my grandparents here in North Dakota. What are you doing here?"

"Me and the boys are on some stupid mission for the President."

"Can we hitch a ride with you?!" Krauser asked, his pants leg still up. "Our rig's busted!"

Claire almost missed his question as her eyes caught sight of someone she didn't expect to see under such circumstances. She gave a small glare Wesker's way, then turned her attention to the beret-wearing agent and smiled as sweetly as she could.

"Sure!" She replied.

As all the other agents piled in the car, Wesker was getting an odd vibe from the Redfield girl. Naturally, he was the last one to get inside the car. Before he could, Claire got out of the car and gave him that glare again. Wesker knew that glare very well. In all his years of living, he learned that when a woman gave a man that glare, a hard beat down was going to take place. Taking a cautious step back, he kept his eyes trained on the brunette woman. When he finally broke contact, he ran around the car with Claire in hot pursuit, yelling threats about what she was going to do to him when she caught him.

Just for laughs, Krauser shut the door and Leon rolled the window up and locked the driver's side door so that the other doors would lock as well. The two agents giggled like schoolgirls as Wesker scratched desperately at the windows to get inside. Their giggling turned into full out laughter when Claire tackled the blond agent to the ground. Blade could only shake his head pitifully as he heard the elder agent scream for his life and saw scraps of his clothes flying into the air.

* * *

President Graham hummed in boredom as he waited by the phone. His elbows were planted firmly on his desk and he held his head in his hands as he turned from side to side in his office chair. Jaws was napping soundly under the President's desk, drooling rivers on the floor.

Ashley entered, carrying a large dog bowl. She looked around the room before asking, "Where's Jaws?"

The President pointed under his desk without stopping his humming or his swiveling.

"Oh." She stood by the desk and grinned mischievously when she heard the Colmillo snoring. "Well, I guess somebody doesn't want any DOG FOOD!" Instantly, she heard a loud bump come from under the desk. She bent over to see Jaws shake his head in pain. "Here ya go, boy." She placed the food in front of him, but the infected wolf seemed too disoriented from the head-on collision with the desk to notice.

"When do you think they're gonna call?" Graham asked, his eyes on the phone.

"I don't know. Why'd you send them on that mission, anyway?"

"Because they're my best agents!"

"...Then why did you send Blade and Wesker to make sure they didn't mess up?"

"Dear, I said they were my best agents, not my smartest ones."

"What's this whole mission about, anyway?"

"I can't tell you! Until I get that call, it's classified information! I can't tell anyone!"

"Fine then." The blonde sat on the desk. "I'll wait with you. I wanna see what's so important about this mission."

* * *

"Canadia? Never heard of it." Claire said, keeping her eyes on the road ahead of her. "So, what's the President want you guys to do there?

"We don't know yet..." The brunette agent cringed away from Claire slightly. He'd certainly forgotten why it wasn't a smart idea to piss off a Redfield. Especially if said Redfield's first name was Claire. Looking over his seat, he wondered how Wesker was doing. By the time Claire was done with him, he was bruised, scratched, unconscious, and his clothes were ripped badly. He awaken a few minutes ago, but kept silent since then.

"I'm starting to get a little hungry. How about we take a little break? The next rest stop is about two minutes away."

"Whoo! Food!" Krauser cheered.

As Claire said, they came upon a small gas station about a minute later. While Claire and Blade went inside the gas station to buy things to eat and drink for later and Wesker was using the restroom, Leon and Krauser were trying to get snacks out of the vending machine outside. When using fake Monopoly money and trying to reach an arm inside didn't work, they beat the machine until the glass broke and grabbed as much as they could before heading back to the car to store the snacks. They were just about to grab seconds when Wesker stumbled out of the restroom, staring at them in curiosity as they stared back, their greedy hands inches away from the inside of the vending machine.

"Please don't tell..." Leon begged pathetically.

Wesker only shrugged before heading back to the car to rest.

The two quickly grabbed what all they could carry before running back to the car, where they started eating some of what they scored from the vending machine.

Claire and Blade returned shortly, carrying bags of food. The brunette woman looked at all the vending machine snacks suspiciously, but Leon quickly got her mind off of it by asking her what she's been doing since the last time he saw her.

The gunman reached into one of the bags and handed his fellow sunglasses-wearing agent an ice cream sandwich for the impressive lump on his head.

"Let's be on our way." Claire started the car, then took a bite out of the sandwich she bought. "Jefferson City?"

Leon looked up from his bag of chips. "Huh?"

"You're going to Jefferson City, right? In Missouri?"

"No, we're going to the capital of Missouri." Krauser said, looking at the map.

The Redfield girl raised a brow. "...That IS the capital of Missouri."

"Then how come it doesn't say that on this- Oh here, it is!"

"...How did he get this job again?"

* * *

The sun had already set by the time the group reached Jefferson City. The agents exited Claire's vehicle right across the street from the hotel the President mentioned on Elm Street. Leon stood by to have one last word with Claire before she went on her way.

"Thanks for the ride, Claire." He said, leaning on the car.

"No problem, Leon. I know you'd do the same thing for me."

"Depends on what I got in return." He laughed. "Just kidding. Not really."

"Leon! Stop talking to the devil girl!" Wesker barked.

"...Come over here, Wesker." Claire motioned with her finger for the older man to come. Hesitantly, he came. "I'm sorry I kicked your ass earlier. I just figured now would be the perfect opportunity to use you as an outlet to my anger I stored up inside for years, which was mostly caused by you anyway."

"Yes, just be sure you leave my clothes in tact next time."

"No problem. Nice seeing you both." She gave one last wave before driving off.

Leon gasped and ran out into the middle of the road. "Claire! Will we ever see each other again?!"

"Durr! I know where you work!"

"...Okay, cool."

Krauser ran to Leon and forcefully pulled him back onto the sidewalk when a car was about to hit him.

"Pretty boy!" He cried. "You can't just stand in the middle of the road without looking north, south, east, and west!"

"Oh, yeah! Silly me." The younger man smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

The agents went across the street to the hotel only to find there was a sign hanging on the door. It was in Spanish, though none of them knew the language well enough to interpret what the sign said. It took them a while until they finally saw it was translated into English in very small print at the bottom of the sign. It merely said that the place was open. Slightly embarrassed that they probably looked like retards standing outside the building for seven minutes trying to understand the sign, they entered and asked where room 342 was.

"Well, this is it." Leon said. He knocked quietly on the door before a sweet voice told him it was open. He pondered who the lady escort could be as he opened the door, and sitting on the bed, with her legs crossed was...

* * *

Cliffhanger! XD Gee, I wonder who it could be? Perhaps it's - Censored because it's a spoiler for the next chapter.


	27. Leon & Krauser's Bogus Journey Part II

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 27: Leon & Krauser's Bogus Journey Part II

* * *

"Ada?!" The brunette man asked in surprise.

"Long time, no see, handsome." The Asian woman greeted with a sly smile.

"The bitch in the red dress?!" Krauser cried, shoving Leon out of the way to see if it were true. "_You're_ our escort?!"

"That's right." She stood up and grabbed her keys off of the nightstand. "What took you boys so long? I figured you would've been here yesterday."

"I did, too." The brunette glared at Krauser for reading the map wrong multiple times, who laughed nervously in return.

"Oh, well. Let's be on our way, shall we?"

* * *

The President and his daughter stared at the phone in a vaguely pleading way. For over 24 hours, they hadn't slept, eaten, or bathed, all for their own reasons. Ashley wanted to know what the damn secret behind the mission was and Graham only wanted to know the agents were actually on task. Of course, with Wesker and Blade with them, there was virtually no way the other two agents could get sidetracked.

Jaws glared at the two humans preoccupied with watching the phone. He, too, hadn't eaten or bathed for a day, though he slept. He was pissed that his caretaker and his daughter weren't paying attention to him. He needed them to feed him or by the time they were finished having, in his mind, a staring contest with the phone, the only thing left of him would be some skeletal remains. He tried everything and anything in his power to get food, even trying to eat his own tail. He dropped the idea when he felt pain after biting his tail and realized it must've been a part of his body.

Daredevil lazily strode into the room, looking absolutely starved. Since his owner wasn't around, the President had to take care of him, and what a job he was doing. The Doberman was in pretty much the same situation as Jaws and decided to take a course of action. For the past two hours, he searched all around the White House for food, but all he could find was a book that had a year old coffee stain on it, which he dropped at the Colmillo's feet.

Jaws was more pissed than he was before. He hated the taste of books. They always tasted so plain, no matter what you spilled on them. He was more pissed, though, that his master had forced him and his canine friend to resort to eating inanimate objects. Earlier, he tried every trick in the book to get Graham and Ashley's attention. He barked, he bit them, his pissed on the carpet, anything he could think of. The two only brushed him off.

Then it hit them. The greatest idea a canine could ever come up with. They decided to runaway.

However, when the plan was put into action, they barely reached the gates before they collapsed from exhaustion.

* * *

"No, no, no, no, no!" Krauser cried as he kicked the front of Ada's car, which was planted firmly into the trunk of a tree and practically engulfed by fire.

"Krauser, get away from there before you catch on fire!" Leon grumbled, poking at the dirt with a stick. A girlishly scream pierced the air a second later, most likely indicating that Krauser hadn't listened.

"Too late." Blade said bemusedly, watching Krauser hop around with his pants leg on fire. "Stop, drop, and roll, you idiot!"

The commando, still screaming like a girl, quickly brought his hopping to a stop, threw himself to the ground, and frantically rolled around in the dirt. The action helped little, if not, only aggravated the flames eating away at his pants leg. Blade and Wesker quickly got to work throwing dirt at Krauser and stomping on the flames to help extinguish them.

"Ada, have you gotten a hold of anyone who can pick us up yet?" The brunette asked.

"No." The Asian woman flipped her phone shut. "The battery's starting to die. Is yours working?"

"I don't know. I'd go check, but it's probably melted by now."

Ada looked towards her flaming car. "You mean...it's in the car?"

"Yep."

"...Crap."

"The fire, it burns! Oh, dear God, it burns!" Krauser cried out pathetically.

"Krauser!" Wesker kicked him in his side. "The fire's out now!"

The scarred agent stopped his rolling and flailing abruptly before sitting up and looking at the damage the fire had done to his legs. His limbs were fine, but his pants were another story. The legs of his pants had completely burnt away, leaving him now in a pair of camouflage booty shorts.

"Nice legs, Krauser." The blond commented while Blade snickered.

"It's not funny, damn it!" Krauser stood and brushed off the ashes of what used to be part of his pants. Seeing that he really had nothing better to do, he stood on the side of the road and stuck out a leg, hoping to get someone's attention.

"Good luck, Krauser!" Leon shouted. "You're gonna need it! So, Ada, what are we gonna do now? You're the only one who has a working phone, albeit with an almost dead battery. Theirs are in the car, too, and Krauser didn't bring his."

Ada shrugged. "Beats me. Joining Krauser would be our only option, other than jacking someone's car."

A thoughtful look spread across the pretty boy's face. He pondered for a second with his hand on his chin before snapping his fingers. "I got it! We WILL jack someone's car!"

"...You're kidding, right?" She asked in near-disbelief, but before she could say another word in edgewise, the brunette was running out into the road, gun in hand.

"Hey, you! Freeze!" Leon trained his gun onto an oncoming car. The car screeched to a halt before it had a chance to hit him. The agent ran to the driver's side and pulled the driver out through the window, tossing him aside carelessly. "Come on, guys! Move it!" He slid in through the window and unlocked the doors for his friends, whom scrambled into the car like headless chickens.

"Whoo! Good going, pretty boy!" Krauser congratulated his friend before giving a glance at the now vehicle-less driver. "Holy crap! Is that Luke Maxwell?"

"Huh?" Blade turned to look, and in the few seconds he was able to see before the stolen car sped off, he confirmed it was the rich man with an even richer Australian accent.

* * *

Graham and his daughter were on the verge of sleep when the ringing of the phone brought them back into the waking world.

"Damn phone." The President grumbled, rubbing his eyes as he picked up the receiver. "What is it? And it better be important."

"Mr. President, someone stole my car!" An Australian-accented voice stated in a panicked voice.

"Oh, Luke, it's you!...Someone stole your car?"

"Luke Maxwell?" Ashley asked. Her father ignored her question, however.

"Yes!" Luke cried.

"...Why? I mean, your car's cool and all, but it's just the ugliest shade of-"

"That's not the point, Mr. President! The point is I won't be able to get to Canadia before the agents do at this rate."

"Then start running!"

"I still won't make it!"

"Oh, you English people and your terrible running skills!"

"...I'm Australian."

Graham grabbed the address book sitting at the corner of his desk. "But no worries. I'll just find someone to replace you."

"Do I still get paid?"

"Hell no!" The President slammed the receiver back into the cradle and flipped through his address book. "Let's see...I need to find someone who lives close to Canadia and knows about it." He smiled affirmatively when he came across a name and phone number. "Perfect."

"Who are you sending now?" The blonde scrolled her gaze down the page and locked her sight on the name of the person her father was about to dispatch. "No, Daddy! Not him!...Who is he, anyway?"

"He was with Umbrella when it was still up and running."

Ashley had no idea whether she should hit her father or yell at him to return him to his senses. "Are you crazy?! Why would someone who was with Umbrella help us, anyway?"

"Well, pumpkin, you know what they say. Suck up to the bad guys so they'll help you out when you're in deep shit."

"...Who says that?"

"I'll tell you when you're older." President Graham smiled at his daughter when she huffed and turned away from him. "Besides, since Umbrella isn't operational anymore, he probably doesn't have anything better to do with his free time, or even has a stable job. He might actually be selling oranges and mangoes by the Mexican border along with other washed up has-beens like the Rico Suave guy and Brittany Spears." He picked the phone up once more to dial the number of Luke's replacement.

* * *

The group finally stopped when they found a payphone close to Canadia's hidden location and were sure no cops were after them for car theft. Thankfully they had some change to spare so they could call the President and report to him what happened.

"You have enough change, Ada?" Leon asked, wondering what was taking the Asian woman so long to dial the number.

"It says this phone only accepts dollar bills." She replied.

"...What?"

"Yeah, it says right here it only accepts one dollar bills."

"Crap!" The brunette turned towards the stolen car where the others waited in boredom. "Hey, guys! We need a dollar! This thing doesn't take change!"

"Piece of shit!" Krauser swore. "Yeah, let's see what Mr. Rich Dude has to spare." He opened the glove compartment, not really expecting to find anything of value. However, he discovered numerous credit cards, an iPod covered in more rhinestones than a celebrity's cell phone, and a wad of money. "Damn, we hit the mother load!" He dug the wad of money out and fished through it until he found a one, then exited the vehicle to deliver it to Ada.

Wesker, checking to make sure no one was looking, snatched the iPod and shoved it into his pocket.

"Found one." Krauser handed the dollar to Ada.

"Thanks, Krauser." She inserted the dollar and dialed the number to the White House. Just as she figured, the phone was immediately answered by Graham. "Hello, Mr. President. I have some bad news."

"Oh, this better be good." The President muttered.

"We had a little accident earlier and everyone's phones were destroyed, and mine's just about dead. We're pretty close to Canadia already."

"But you're all okay, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Well, I'm glad you called. You see, the person who you were originally supposed to meet in Canadia had his car stolen and now someone else is taking his place."

"We were supposed to meet Luke Maxwell?"

"How the hell did you know it was Luke?!"

"Uh, never mind. Who's this new guy we have to meet?"

"Let's just say...Wesker will know him." With a short, almost-awkward silence, the President hung up the phone.

"Wesker knows this guy?" The brunette agent stared at the ex-Umbrella operative, who was listening to the hidden iPod in his pocket indiscreetly, in contemplation.

"Come on, Leon. Let's just get this whole Canadia thing over with." The Asian woman returned to the vehicle with the two agents in tow.

Once everyone got back on the road, they didn't have to travel far before they reached the sign welcoming them to Canadia. The four agents ignorant to the rarely heard of country looked out the windows, gazing at the sights with a curious gleam in their eyes. It seemed the same as America but, somehow, better. Perhaps because it was all new and foreign to them, yet familiar.

"There he is!" Leon exclaimed, pointing at a man standing on the street corner with a sign in his hands. _'President's agents here'_, it read.

Wesker, with the iPod that was now his turned up to almost max volume, almost didn't hear the younger agent, but followed with his eyes where he was pointing. With a gasp, he pulled his sunglasses off carelessly to get a better look at the man, revealing his yellowy feline-like eyes. He did, indeed know this man, and he knew him well. Once the stolen car had come to a halt, he wasted no time climbing over Blade in his sudden eagerness to get out.

"Hey, watch it!" The orange eyed agent cried as Wesker's hands and knees ventured too close to an area Blade would prefer untouched by him and unharmed.

"Sergei?!" The blond gasped out loudly.

The silver haired man looked stunned for a second, staring at Wesker like one would a ghost. Finally, he choked out, "Co...Comrade?"

"'Comrade?'" Leon and Krauser repeated in unison, giving each other odd looks.

Once his assumption was correct that this man was, in fact, Sergei Vladimir, he ran towards him, yelling, "Sergei!" Sergei returned the gesture, throwing his sign to the ground and running towards the agent with arms wide open, yelling, "Comrade!" in his heavily accented voice. They met halfway between the car and the sidewalk, throwing their arms around each other with such force that they nearly knocked each other down.

"Oh, my God!" Krauser cried. "Wesker has a Krauser, too!" He and Leon squealed girlishly at the thought of Wesker also having an idiotic friend. The commando took the pretty boy's hands in his own and they jumped up and down in circles, shouting in singsong, "Wesker has a Krauser! Wesker has a Krauser!"

Sergei stared oddly at the two jumping agents, and wasn't sure if he was more disturbed by their hyperactive behavior or the fact that Krauser was showing more leg than he wanted to see. "What the...?"

"Don't give any mind to them." Wesker let go of the Russian and looked him up and down. "My, my, Sergei, it's been so long."

"Too long."

"Where have you been? And why are you here?"

"Well, I can't say where I've been because that's classified information, but I can tell you once they-" He motioned towards the three agents and the Asian woman. "aren't present. And why am I here? Well, the President called me and asked me to take the place of the man who was supposed to be here, and I really couldn't turned him down after the generous offer he made to me."

"Yeah, yeah, enough small talk. Just call the President so we can finally know why the hell we're here!" Krauser barked.

"Fine, fine." Sergei dialed the White House while the agents and Ada eagerly crowded around him. Feeling a tad claustrophobic, he put the call on speaker so they'd back off some.

"Sergei? This better be you!" The President said.

Sergei nodded. "It is. The others have arrived."

"Great! Hey, are you on speaker?"

"Yes."

"Good, this way everyone will know right away. Leon, Krauser, Wesker, Blade, now that you're finally in Canadia, it's time to unveil your mission objective."

"Just tell us already!" The beret-wearing agent fumed.

"Yeah!" The President daughter shouted in the background.

"Your mission is..." Graham made a dramatic pause. "To pick up my dry cleaning."

All the agents, Ada, and Sergei stared at the phone unbelievably, wondering whether or not they heard correctly, as did Ashley on the other end of the line.

"Ex-Excuse?" Leon stuttered unsurely.

"Yep, you guys are gonna pick up my dry cleaning."

Krauser growled, and slowly but surely, in turned into a roar of anger. "Why the HELL did you make us come all the way to a country we never even heard of just to pick up your God damn dry cleaning?! And why the hell did you say this mission was all important and top secret and shit?!"

"Hey! If I told you the mission right off the bat, you'd say no! You were the only ones I hadn't asked yet, so I had to trick you!"

"And another thing, why the hell is your dry cleaning all the way up here, anyway?!"

"No one can dry clean like the people in Canadia!" Graham said brightly.

"Screw this!" Krauser began stomping back towards the car. "Come on, guys! Let's go!"

The other agents and Ada followed suit, grumbling under their breaths. Before he slammed the door shut, Wesker asked Sergei if he'd like to accompany him so the two could catch up with one another. Of course, the ex-Umbrella operative accepted the offer and gleefully hopped into the car.

* * *

The return to the White House was absolute hell. Never had anyone heard more yelling, swearing, and arguing in their lifetime than they did that day. Krauser certainly was no exception, being that a lot of the commotion was coming from him. Nearly every word he was using was some form of swear. For ten minutes straight he went on and on, swearing and yelling until his face turned blue, and finally he shut up when he passed out from lack of oxygen.

"Finally!" Graham cried. "God, he went a little overboard, don't you think?"

"Hell no!" Leon retorted.

"Look, I understand you're mad, Leon, but I'll make it up to you!"

"How?"

"I'll double- no, triple- the pay I was gonna give you for this mission!"

"And?"

"And I'll...I'll...I'll stop trying to shoot you when you take Ashley out somewhere!"

"_And?_"

"And I'll...uh...oh, I don't know! Just please stop being mad at me!" President Graham started dry sobbing into his hands.

The brunette sighed. "Fine, I forgive you. But next time, don't keep missions a secret from us!"

"Deal!" The elder man shook Leon's energetically. The jovial handshake was interrupted when Wesker knocked on the door with Sergei standing by.

"Uh, Mr. President, sir?" The blond said.

"Yes, what is it, Wesker?"

"I was wondering if...perhaps you could make Sergei an agent?"

"Oh, Wesker, you know I don't make people agents all willy nil- Sure!"

"Really?!" Wesker grinned and turned to the silver haired man. "This is great, Sergei!"

"Yeah!" Sergei grinned back. "This'll be better than when we worked for Umbrella!"

The two scurried off, giggling madly like school girls watching a movie in which the hot guy takes his shirt off.

"...Wow. That seemed so...non-Wesker-y." Leon said, watching them go. "Well, it's late, and I'd better drive Krauser home. If I get him home and onto the couch before he wakes up, I can lie to him and tell him this was all just a dream so he won't be all bitchy in the morning." He grabbed the commando by the legs and trudged out of the Oval Office. "Good night, Mr. Prez."

Graham waved. "'Night, son." Sighing, he sat at his desk and flipped open his address book as he picked up the phone. Since Leon and the others failed to retrieve his dry cleaning, he would have to find someone else to get it, and considering there was no one in his address book that knew of the location of Canadia, it was bound to be a _long_ night.

* * *

Yay, it's done! XD Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I kept trying to work on this chappy whenever I could, but other things kept coming up, like school and stuff.

(Giggle) After I saw some cutscenes from Umbrella Chronicles and heard Sergei call Wesker "comrade", I was like, "OMG! Wesker has a Krauser like Leon!" and I HAD to include him in M:AI! Things can only get more chaotic in the White House with Sergei on the team, am I right?


	28. Get Your Own Damn Country! Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 28: Get Your Own Damn Country! Part I

* * *

"Leon and Krauser, I'm very disappointed in you both!" Presidfent Graham scolded the two agents.

"But why?!" Krauser asked, honestly confused.

"It's against the law to break into someone's house!"

"But I had to use their bathroom! And I didn't even know!" He turned to his younger companion. "Did you know, pretty boy?"

Leon nodded. "Yeah."

"Then why didn't you tell me?!"

"I DID tell you! You were too busy trying to break the door down to listen to me!"

"...Oh."

"I'm docking from both of your paychecks this month!"

Krauser shook his fist above his head. "That's not fair! Your rules suck!"

"They're not my rules, per se. They're the country's rules. If I could change them as freely as I can breathe, you'd bet your ass that a lot of these laws would be different, but because of Congress and majority votes and the Constitution, it's a whole different story entirely."

"This country sucks, then!"

Graham shrugged. "If you hate it so much, why not leave?"

"Cuz there's no other country in existence where I could talk all the shit I want and not get shot!"

"I can change that." Leon said, reaching for his handgun.

Krauser gasped as an idea bubbled in his mind. "I got it!" He brought his fist down into his hand and smiled triumphantly. "I'll make my own damn country!" The President and the pretty boy stared at Krauser unsurely before turning to each other, both trying to figure out if Krauser was being serious or only joking. "...I'm being serious." The commando answered as though reading their minds.

"Right. You go do that, Krauser." Graham waved him off.

"Screw you, Mr. Prez! I'll show you!" The scarred agent flipped off the man in charge before leaving the Oval Office, fuming.

"Do you really think he's gonna..." The brunette trailed off, figuring the President knew where he was going with his sentence.

"Knowing Krauser, he might try, but also knowing Krauser, it won't work." President Graham smiled. "But I'd love to see him try."

* * *

Leon snored peacefully in his bed, hugging his pillow to his face. Virtually nothing could bother him in such a state of slumber, and nothing did. His alarm clock had been blaring for ten minutes, but it wasn't enough to wake him. However, it was enough for a crack to appear in his bedroom window. What did pull him from the oceans of sleep was a single gunshot. The first thing he saw was his now-broken alarm clock. No longer did it make noise, for a bullet had pierced it right through its very core.

"Hey!" The brunette snapped up. "What's going on?!"

"The president of Krauslovahkia doesn't like alarm clocks, therefore they're now illegal!" The commando replied, his gun still trained on the alarm clock as though it's blaring sound would start up again.

"Krauslovahkia...?" Leon groaned when it dawned on him that Krauser really was being serious the day before. "Oh, Krauser, you didn't really do it, did you?"

"What the hell do you think?" Krauser dropped a large scroll onto the brunette's lap, making the younger man cringe under its weight. "I've been up all night writing the rules to my new country and I want you to read every one of them."

"Why?"

"Because this is my new country! From the front yard all the way to the back is now Krauslovahkia, so that means you're living in my country and since you are, you gotta follow my rules."

Leon shrugged and, for the hell of it, unraveled a small portion of the oversized scroll to read what rules and regulations Krauser's made up country enforced. A lot of them seemed very Krauser-ish, and quite a few stuck out, such as, 'Thou shalt not censor shit.' and 'Thou shalt not drink and drive unless it's that special kind of drunk where you know you're drunk and that makes you a better driver.' "Krauser, how many rules are there? Hell, how long is this list?! No, wait, don't answer that. I know what I will hear will scare the shit out of me."

"Oh, and here." The commando handed the brunette another scroll; a reasonably small one. "Take that to Graham. He needs to know about this new country and let the United Nations know, too, so they can include Krauslovahkia."

"Why can't you give it to him yourself?"

"Read rule 342."

"...Uh..." Leon unrolled the scroll some more, going faster as he went. Soon, a mountain of paper was shielding him, and still he had not found whatever rule 342 was. "Krauser, help me!"

Krauser scoffed. "Amateur." He quickly rolled the scroll back up and placed it neatly on his housemate's nightstand. "Rule 342 says that any important person from Krauslovahkia is not allowed to go within 100 feet of the enemy, and before you ask, yeah, the enemy's Graham. But rule 365 says that every other American is a friend, except for anyone who was ever on Intervention and relapsed."

"So I guess that means you're not coming to work."

"Nope." The taller agent plopped onto the bed. "While you're working for the enemy and earning money necessary for the sake of Krauslovahkia's economy, I'll be going around town to recruit more people to join my country."

"Good luck. You're gonna need it."

* * *

"Good morning, Mr. President." Leon greeted as he entered the Oval Office. "You won't believe this, Krauser really started his own- Hey, what's the matter?"

The President, whom had been staring at the TV with his mouth wide open in shock, pointed at the screen. On it, Krauser was shown talking to a news reporter about Krauslovahkia and making failed attempts at convincing her to join.

"Your country sounds very, um, interesting, but I'm fine being an American citizen, thank you." She said.

"Oh, come on!" Krauser pouted. "Hey, did I mention that women have a choice between clothes or their birthday suit?" He gave a suggestive wink. "But only hot women! No fat chicks."

"Um, back to you, Charles." The news reporter laughed sheepishly.

"Thank you, Celia." Charles said once he appeared on screen. "Well, it seems that we just got a call from the United Nations stating that they would like for Krauslovahkia to join them, so I guess that means this is now an official country."

"What?!" Leon gasped. "No way!"

"Leon, you're fired!" Graham finally spoke.

"But why?"

"Before you came in, Krauser said you were a citizen of his country and he made it clear that Krauslovahkians hate me."

"Mr. President, I'm not-"

"I don't want to hear another word from you! Get out of my office now before I...Oh, I don't know what I'll do, but believe me, it'll be bad!"

Leon, his expression clearly showing hurt, turned to leave, but before he could grab the doorknob, the President stopped him.

"Wait." He said. "Before you go, I want you to hear something important. Sit down." He waved a hand to the chair across the room. Leon silently grabbed it and pulled it up to the President's desk. "I'm going to tell you a story and when I'm done with it, I want you to think it over. You're welcome to return if you'd like your job back, but I can't take you back unless you've understood the moral of the story."

The brunette nodded. "Okay."

"...You see, a man named Bob-"

"Oh, come on!" The agent stood abruptly. "How's the story of how the pineapple got its name related to this?!"

Graham pointed sternly at the chair. "Boy, sit down and listen."

"Fine." With a huff, Leon complied.

"You see, a man named Bob-" On and on, the President went. Once or twice, Leon took a glance at the clock, and every time, both hands would be in a new position. By hour six, the brunette just got up and left and by then, the President was so engrossed in the story that he hadn't realized he was no longer speaking to someone else. He didn't even notice Leon walk by the window, which his chair was facing.

"I never liked working for this place, anyway." He muttered smugly. He got in his car and on his way back home, he made a detour in an empty parking lot so he could do what he always did to calm himself: by performing doughnuts at the highest speeds the vehicle would allow. After ten minutes of this, he felt better and left in a hurry, and also because he got so dizzy that he hit a car entering the lot. On his return home, he found Krauser sitting on the couch with a sewing kit and scraps of cloth.

"Hi, pretty boy." Krauser greeted, his attention more focused on his work.

"You!" The brunette said viciously, pointing at the founder of Krauslovahkia. "Because of you, I got fired today!"

The commando looked up, appearing honestly apologetic. "I'm sorry, Leon. Oh, how is Krauslovahkia going to prosper now?"

Leon was very tempted at that moment to punch the older man for fbeing more concerned about his country, in which only one person was living in without counting Krauser, than the fact that he was the one who got Leon fired in the first place. He held back, though, and instead inquired on what the hell Krauser was trying to make.

"It's the Krauslovahkian flag!" The country's founder held up the flag enthusiastically. It looked more like a bunch of scraps of camo-colored cloth sewn together quite novicely with some sort of crimson blob of cloth in the center.

Leon couldn't help but notice each of Krauser's fingers were bandaged and had a thimble on each fingertip. Krauser caught the younger ex-agent staring at his hands and answered, "I'm not very good at sewing, so after I poked every finger at least three times, I bandaged them, and for good measure, I put a thimble on each one."

"I see. Any luck finding people who wanted to join your _flourishing_ country?"

"Hell no! No one wanted to join once I started handing out rule scrolls!"

"Gee, I wonder why?" Leon retorted, words laced with sarcasm.

* * *

Wesker hurriedly entered the White House's living room, searching for Sergei, whom he found sitting on the couch, absentmindedly nicking his digits with it double-edge. Calling the Russian's name, he took a quick seat in the chair across from him.

"Did you hear about what happened to Leon?" The blond asked, gripping the arms of the chair as though his news were of great urgency.

"What, comrade?" Sergei questioned, briefly halting his session of self-mutilation, leaning in with sudden interest.

"Leon got fired because he was a member of Krauser's new country."

"...That idiot Krauser made a country?"

"Yeah. Krauslovahkia, I think is its name."

"Hmm..." The Russian pondered for a brief second before getting distracted by the sound of the door opening. "Oh, hello there, Blade Stryker."

Blade nodded towards him. "Sergei." He took a seat beside the gray haired man on the couch. "Did you see the news this morning?"

"We were just talking about it, weren't we, Wesker?"

Wesker adjusted his sunglasses, that aura of excitement still hovering about him. "You know, I was thinking about it and if it really is that easy, then I'd start my own country." He looked at both agents oddly as they merely stared at him, their jaws dropped as low as their muscles and joints would allow. Blade's sunglasses even slipped off of his nose and onto his lap. "What?"

"Comrade, are you feeling okay?" Sergei felt the blond's forehead.

"I'm fine!" Wesker barked. "Listen to me for a second. If I started my own country, I would try to get all of the ex-Umbrella operatives to join, and if so, we could slowly gain more and more power until we became even more powerful than America and accomplish the old Umbrella's goal of world domination!"

Blade raised an eyebrow at Wesker's idea, but Sergei, on the other hand, had to restrain himself from squealing with delight.

"Oh, that's a great idea!" The Russian smiled jovially. "I'll join your country!"

"Great! You can be the Vice President of...uh...Sunglasseslovahkia." He turned to the orange-eyed agent. "What about you, Blade?"

"...I think you've both gone insane." The black haired man snatched up his sunglasses and stood, turning to Sergei. "I'm not sure of what your mental status was before you joined, but Wesker-" He faced the fellow sunglasses-wearer. "you have lost it." And with that, he left.

The blond agent frowned. "I really wanted for him to join, too..."

"Don't feel so saddened, comrade." Sergei patted his shoulder. "It's probably just a tinge of jealousy. He'll get over it."

Wesker shrugged. "Maybe you're right."

* * *

For what had to be the tenth time that morning, Krauser blew an air horn in Leon's ear.

"Shit!" The brunette cried, grabbing at his abused ear. "What did I do now?!"

"You're eating the wrong cereal." Krauser stated blatantly, picking up the cereal box. "Krauslovahkia forbids any kind of cereal within its borders that isn't chocolate or doesn't have marshmallows in it." He promptly threw the box away and while he was at it, took Leon's bowl and dumped the contents down the sink.

"I'm REALLY starting to hate Krauslovahkia..." The younger ex-agent grumbled. "It won't let me eat my favorite cereal, it won't allow me to wear any pair of briefs that aren't white, and it requires me to have a three hour Scrabble competition with you during all my favorite afternoon shows!"

"What's wrong with Scrabble?"

"Nothing, it just gets REALLY boring by the end of the first game."

"Don't diss Scramble!" Krauser grabbed Leon's car keys and tossed them over to him. "Come on, pretty boy. We need to stop by the store and buy more food that's kosher to Krauslovahkia."

Sighing, Leon stood and complied.

* * *

"Are you freaking SERIOUS?" Leon asked, rather annoyed and shocked, as Krauser once again put another item back that the young ex-agent had placed in the cart.

"This is the wrong kind of bread!" The commando explained. He grabbed another loaf, which was exactly the same brand as the one he put back, and dropped it in the cart.

"How the hell is THIS one any different? It's the same damn-"

"No! It isn't. It feels different."

"...It feels different?" Leon picked up the bread. It felt like any other loaf of bread, unless perhaps he was missing something, which he obviously must have been when Krauser nodded and placed it back in the cart.

This pattern had been repeating during their shopping escapade. Leon would grab something Krauser said he wanted, Krauser would say something was wrong with it and he'd put back, only to come back with the same brand of product or something quite similar. It was really starting to grind on Leon's nerves.

"What next?" The pretty boy asked.

"Sunglasses!" Krauser announced.

"What for?"

"So we look pimpin'"

Shrugging and accepting that as a valid reason, Leon followed Krauser to the aisle where there was nothing but sunglasses and mirrors. To their surprise, they found Wesker and Sergei there, trying on matching sunglasses.

"Slickback! Soviet Union! How are you guys?" The scarred man inquired happily.

Sergei raised a brow behind his thick, dark shades in puzzlement. "'Soviet Union...?'"

"It's his thing. He gives everyone nicknames." Leon answered, grabbing a random pair of sunglasses and slipping them on. "Damn, these are thick."

Something glimmering on Wesker's shirt caught the eye of the commando and he looked. It was some sort of medal or brooch with a pair of folded sunglasses was printed on it while the Umbrella logo was embossed in the background. He pointed at it and asked, "What is that?"

Wesker smirked. "For my country Sunglasseslovahkia."

"I'm the Vice President." Sergei added.

"The country was inaugurated into the United Nations just this morning."

Krauser gawked at the other blond silently. After a few moments passing, he violently slapped him, knocking him into the shelf. Leon gasped at the actions of Krauslovahkia's leader and Sergei's jaw dropped as the shelf came crashing down, causing a domino effect and knocking over the other shelves in its wake.

An employee got on the intercom, announcing, "Clean up on aisle 24, aisle 25, aisle 26, aisle..."

Suddenly, a smile came upon Krauser's face and he said, "In Krauslovahkia, it's a greeting. It's meant to welcome you and your country to the United Nations!"

"I think you killed him..." Leon peered down at Wesker, who lay unmoving under a thin litter of sunglasses.

Krauser waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, he'll be fine. Come on, pretty boy, we need to grab some other things. We'll come back here when they've cleaned up this mess." He waved to Sergei. "Bye, Soviet Union!"

"Before you go, Krauser," The Russian began. "allow me to show you how we say good bye in Sunglasseslovahkia..." He strode up to the Krauslovahkian president, raising his arm. He gave the man a swift, rough slap to the face, knocking him into the shelf parallel to the one Wesker had been rammed into. Once again, the domino effect began.

The same employee yet again announced, "Clean up on aisle 22, aisle 21, aisle 20, aisle..."

Leon looked down at his fallen comrade, who remained still on the ground with the exception of his twitching leg. "Um...Krauser...?"

Satisfied with his handy work, Sergei bade Leon farewell. "Good bye, Leon." He said as he hooked his fingers under Wesker's arms and proceeded to drag him out of the aisle. Almost immediately after he had cleared the aisle, a limping figure entered from the opposite end, his sunglasses askew and broken, revealing orange eyes.

"You..." Blade growled, pointing at Leon.

Leon motioned at himself and, in a meager squeak, asked, "Me?"

"I should have known..." Blade took a step forward.

"Wait, it wasn't me! It was him!" He pointed at his unconscious roommate.

The gunman sighed. "Oh, why does this revelation not surprise me? What happened?"

"He slapped Wesker and Sergei slapped Krauser as payback." Upon the younger agent raising a brow at him, Leon added, "Yeah, they slap pretty hard."

"Why did Krauser slap Wesker?"

"He was congratulating him on his new country."

"What? New country?" He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Oh, you must be kidding me...You have to be."

"Nope. So, uh..." Leon bent over to grab Krauser's arms. "See you later?"

"Right. Bye." Blade turned and made his leave, limping rather painfully, or so it seemed to the ex-agent.

The brunette simply sighed, then grunted as he hoisted the unconscious man into the cart and made his way to check out, grabbing some of his favorite snacks on the way that he could hide from the major house dictator.

* * *

Leon groaned as he took another bite of his chips, shuddering with delight at the dearly missed and beloved flavor. Just as he grabbed another handful, he heard a groan and footsteps come from outside his closed bedroom door. With fast reflexes, he gathered up all the junk food scattered on his bed and shoved them under his pillow. It looked rather obvious that he was hiding things under there, but this was Krauser who was about to pay him a visit, and Krauser wasn't one for noticing little details. Hell, he wasn't one for noticing anything period.

The brunette snatched a magazine off the floor and flopped onto his belly, flipping it open to a random page. Trying to seem nonchalant, he pretended to read as the door opened.

"Ugh..." Krauser groaned as he rubbed his face. "What Sergei did sucked. Remind me to declare war on Sunglassesslovakia later..."

"Feeling better?" Leon asked, lowering the magazine.

"No, I feel like shit!"

"You should after the grief you put me through. I tossed your ass in the cart and the cashier said I had to pay for you, too, cuz you were in the cart! Not to mention I had to pay for the face imprint you left in the shelf you crashed into!"

"Really?" The commando looked excited. "How much was I worth?"

"About fifty bucks."

"Sweeeeet."

"And then Sergei came by with Wesker in a cart and had to pay eighty bucks for him."

"Shit!" Krauser angrily kicked at the air.

"So, what the hell did you come in here for?"

"You see, I-" He paused. "Ya know what, pretty boy? I can't remember..." He shrugged and left. The moment he closed the door, Leon pulled one of his snacks back out and popped one in his mouth, crunching as quietly as he could. From the other side of the door, Krauser shouted, "And damn it, whatever the hell you're doing in there, you're doing it too damn loud!"

* * *

Wesker, chuckling quietly to himself, wrote something else down in the notebook he had sitting in his lap. He was surrounded by open notebooks, all filled with something he wrote. A pile of black notebooks sat on the coffee table, waiting for their turn.

President Graham entered, accidentally stepping on a notebook and slipping. He grunted hard as he hit the floor, then swore colorfully for about twenty seconds.

"Damn it, Wesker!" He barked. "I could've broken my neck on these! You know the rules. No one trashes my crib but me. Now what's the meaning of all this?"

"I'm writing the laws of my new country." Wesker stated.

"Ooh..." Graham inhaled sharply. "I actually needed to talk to you about that..."

"Yes?"

"You're fired."

"...What?"

"Well, think about it. You're the leader of a new foreign country and you're working under the leader of the superpower of the world. You could discover my secrets and use them against me!" Sighing sadly, the President continued. "Sorry, but you have to leave now. Sergei, too." He added, "And pick up these God damn notebooks!" as he nearly slipped on another whilst leaving.

* * *

Leon hummed cheerfully as he lathered his hair. He rinsed, shaking his head and laughing at himself because it reminded him of a wet dog shaking.

Krauser had left on "business" an hour ago and wouldn't be back for a while, so he had the house all to himself and damn it, he was going to break as many Krauslovahkian laws as he possibly could; starting with humming songs Krauser hated in the shower.

Once he was done, Leon turned off the water and open the curtains, screaming girlishly when he discovered three other people in the bathroom.

"Oh, my God!" He screeched, grabbing the curtain and holding it over his exposed body. "Who the hell are you?!"

"Pretty boy! There you are!" Krauser grinned as he entered. "I see you met the new members of Krauslovahkia."

"That's nice, now what the hell are they doing in the bathroom?!"

"Well, there wasn't enough room in the kitchen, so the other members had to spread out and find room somewhere else in the country."

"Wait, there are OTHER people here?"

Krauser nodded. "Yup. I managed to get more people recruited!"

"How?"

"I bribed them."

Leon let his face drop into his hand. "Oh, for the love of..." He groaned and he looked back up at the commando. "Krauser, I have to tell you- Oh, I can't do it like this! Will one of you assholes get me a towel?" After being handed a towel and wrapping it around himself, the brunette stepped out of the shower and beckoned Krauser to follow him so he could talk to him privately. There was, however, no place they could talk privately. Every other room had at least five people in it, and the kitchen was so crowded that it would be a miracle to reach one side of the room from the other in under an hour. Finally, Leon just decided to drag Krauser out onto the front lawn.

"What did you wanna talk about, Leon?" Krauser plopped down onto the front steps.

Leon growled in frustration. "This is getting ridiculous. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm leaving the country!"

Flabbergasted, the elder man stuttered. "W-What? Pretty boy, you can't leave! I was THIS close to making you Vice Prez!"

"See ya around, President Krauser." The pretty boy gave him a small wave before he began walking down the street in just his towel, destination unknown.

* * *

And that is the end of part one! Sorry it's been so long since my last update. But, ya know, life interfered. .


	29. Get Your Own Damn Country! Part II

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 29: Get Your Own Damn Country! Part II

* * *

Ada hadn't expected the sudden company, but damn, she quite enjoyed it.

She had been minding her own business, reading a book when someone had knocked on the door. It turned out to be Leon, adorning only a towel, and he looked pretty shaken and scared like he had been treading dangerous ground for an extended period of time. Being the kind woman she was, Ada had let him in and given him an orange to eat. He had looked at the orange and sniffed it cautiously as if he were a feral animal who forgot what the hell food was, then snatched it from her hands. He ate it in a similar manner to a mouse and didn't miss a morsel. He ate everything; the skin, the pulp, the seeds. Just everything.

"Wow..." The Asian woman remarked as she watched him eat. "Did you and Krauser forget to go to the store for the last week or two?"

The ex-agent shook his head. "Oh, no, we went to the store alright."

"Well, what's the deal?"

"I left the house and had no where else to go. Oh, excuse me. _Krauslovahkia_."

"Oh, yeah?" Ada moved a little closer. "Well, no wonder you're starving...and almost completely naked. How long ago was this?"

"A few hours ago."

"...I take back what I said just a second ago." She sighed. "So, why didn't you come here in the first place? I mean, I live right down the street from you guys..."

"Well, you see, I went over to Blade's house first and-"

"Blade's house? Why?"

"Because he's the only one around here who's still sane!...Well, you are, too, but I also needed some clothes. Guy clothes."

Ada nodded. "So, what happened?"

"The moment he saw it was me, he slammed the door in my face cuz he thought I was some sort of Krauslovahkian Witness or something. You know, like a Jehovah's Witness."

"And so you came here, right?"

Leon shook his head. "Oh, no. That's when I got lost. It was scary. I had no idea where I was, how long I was gone, nothing. I thought days, maybe even weeks, had passed. I took cover in a phone booth for a while, living off of pages from the phonebook in there. Later, I asked someone for the time and I realized I had only been gone for a couple of hours, so after getting directions, I headed to your place because it was the only other place I could think of."

"Nice story."

"I know."

The woman gasped as an idea suddenly hit her. "Leon, I know of some people you could stay with! Don't get me wrong; I'd love for you to stay here, but I have a date tonight and I plan on scoring, so I can't have you around."

"Who?"

Ada smiled in a way that made Leon shudder on the inside. "You'll see..."

Minutes later, the front door was knocked upon, and just as the Asian woman was about to answer, it was thrown open, smacking her in the face and sending her sprawling on the floor. The person in question who opened the door so violently was Wesker; behind him, Sergei.

The blond cleared his throat and straightened his shirt to try and look more presentable and diplomatic as his eyes set on Leon, who cowered in the burgundy velvet chair and thinking the two men were going to coax him into joining their country. Wesker put on his best smile, which turned out kind of sadistic, and strode over to Leon.

"Well, well, well," He began. "Ada tells me you left Krauser's country."

_'Oh, God, no!' _The pretty boy mentally squeaked. "Oh, God, no!" He spoke aloud. After realizing what he said, and the odd looks he received from the two men, he quickly said, "Oh, erm, I mean, yeah."

"Well, since you left his country..."

_'Oh, God, he's gonna say it...'_

"Why don't you join ours?" Wesker once again gave another sadistic smile.

"I only need a place to live!" Leon whimpered. "The only country I want to join is America!"

"Hmm..." The blond rubbed his chin, then turned to Sergei. "Sunglasseslovahkian leader meeting."

The brunette watched as both Sergei and Wesker huddled in a corner and whispered amongst each other. Every once in a while, they would look over their shoulders at him or make gestures towards him. Leon was honestly more concerned with what they were saying about him rather than the condition of Ada, who was clearly unconscious judging from her state of stillness, save for an occasional twitch in her leg. Finally, after about fifteen minutes, both men returned to Leon.

"You can stay with us." Wesker announced.

"Whoo!" Leon cried, throwing his arms up in the air.

"But-"

Muscled arms lowered. "Shit! I should've known there was a catch!"

"Let him finish!" Sergei barked.

"Anyways," The Sunglasseslovahkian President began, "you can live with us and not have to become a member of our country, but you have to wear sunglasses in the house. Always."

"Really? That's all? And I can take them off when I'm out of the house?"

"Off the property, yes."

"Sweet! I'll take it!"

"Here." Wesker handed the brunette an extra pair of sunglasses. "I always carry a spare."

"Um...cool." Leon slid them on. "God damn, I feel cool now."

"Shut up and come with us." Sergei ordered him as Wesker headed for the door.

* * *

Leon's bedroom door opened quietly, revealing the room empty of all life, but clearly depicting someone had lived in there at some point. It was rather a shock to Krauser since all the other rooms were overcrowded with his subjects, save his room. He slowly allowed himself to stroll around the room, every once in a while picking up random objects and looking them over.

Sighing, he sat on the cold bed and looked out the window. Sure, Leon had been gone only a few hours, but Krauser was already missing him as if he had gone to war a decade ago and still hadn't returned.

He accidentally knocked something over on the nightstand as he swatted at a fly buzzing around his personal space. Picking up the fallen item, he saw it was a photo of himself, Leon, Graham, Ashley, Blade, Jaws, and Daredevil. They'd taken that picture a few short months after Blade had joined and Wesker was sick that day, so he wasn't present in the photo. They all looked so content with each other in the picture and the sight of his currently absent roommate made Krauser want to sob girlishly.

"Why did you have to go, pretty boy?!" The Krauslovahkian leader dry sobbed before throwing himself all the way down on the mattress, a crunching noise being heard from the pillow. "Huh?" Upon further inspection, he discovered forbidden junk food under Leon's pillow. "Oh, that BASTARD! He snuck in illegal food!"

His anger was immediately replaced with immense depression as he wailed, "I miss him!" and dry sobbed loudly, grabbing a bag of super spicy chips and shoving the contents in his mouth for comfort until he actually began to cry.

From the spiciness, of course.

* * *

Graham frowned heavily as he once again violently scratched out all that he wrote and crumpled up the paper, tossing it into the corner where he thought the wastebasket was, but it was actually in the other corner. There was so much wasted paper by now that Mother Nature would sob and throw herself off a cliff if she laid eyes on the sight.

"Damn it!" The President grumbled before starting on a new sheet.

"Something wrong, Mr. President?" Blade inquired as he entered the office.

"These battle tactics are useless!"

"...Battle tactics?"

"Yes. I'm starting a war with both Krauslovahkia and Sunglasseslovahkia."

"May I ask why?"

With confidence lacking in his voice, the President answered, "Because...it sounded like the smart thing to do..."

Obviously it was not an intelligent move at all coming from President Graham alone, but out of curiosity, Blade walked around the desk to look over Graham's shoulder and see what he'd written so far. On the sheet were four stick figures, one of which was wearing a beret and another wearing sunglasses. They were each identified by with the words, 'Krauser,' 'Wesker,' 'Me,' and 'The Russian Guy' with arrows pointing to the designated stick figure. The Graham stick figure was holding a gun to the three other stick figures and at the top of the sheet, it said, 'Battle Tactic: Buy a gun' and at the bottom, it read, 'Downside...it goes without saying...' along with a doodle of the other three stick figures using bigger guns to gang up on the Graham stick figure, which now adorned X's for eyes with his tongue sticking out as he lay on the ground in what appeared to be a pool of liquid. Most likely blood.

Blade had to admit that it was indeed a very crappy tactic, but it could've been worse. Graham could've thought he could overpower the three of them with just a knife and the outcome would be that they are defeated easily.

Graham sighed. "Tell me, Blade, is this a good idea? Do you think they'd really have bigger guns than me?"

"Well...it leaves much to be desired."

"I'm not talking to you about desire! I'm talking to you about this battle tactic! Does it work or not?!"

Pausing briefly, Blade tried using a tactic of his own: using words the President would understand. "Mr. President, your idea is absolutely shitty."

Groaning, the elder man let his head thunk on the desk. "What am I gonna do...?"

"That depends. I'll just need to see what you've thought of so far." The gunman went over to the terrifyingly huge mountain of paper balls and uncrumpled a few of them to get the geist of the President's previous failures. All the ones he looked at consisted of the same four stick figures, the labels, and even the same outcome. In one, the top said the battle tactic was to buy a pair of nun chucks, and the outcome shown the other three stick figures holding big guns. One even had the President in a transformer and the three opposing stick figures STILL beat him with their guns.

After skimming through a few more failed battle tactics, Blade stood and said, "Mr. President, I believe it would be wise to hire someone to come up with such tactics for you."

Graham sat up, gasping in revelation. "My God, son, you're right! You're hired!"

"...Excuse me?"

"YOU'RE gonna be my war person!"

"But, sir, I'm already an agent."

"Fine, you can be both an agent and my war guy! Now go. Go do whatever it is agents/war guys do."

Blade, deciding not to argue least he wanted to be fired from both positions, took his leave.

* * *

It was only a week after Leon moved into Wesker's house that he realized how much his life sucked.

Wesker, needing money to support his country, charged him for certain things. At first it was just for food, but then it just got out of hand. Wesker was charging him to use the bathroom, getting water from the sink, sleeping on the couch, entering certain rooms more than five times a day, etc. It was getting so bad that Leon went out and got himself a job walking some old lady's pit bull just so he could stay. More often than not, he ended up getting mauled by the dog and the only sort of walking it did was chasing after the ex-agent when he managed to get away.

At this moment, Leon was sore, bandaged, hungry, thirsty, and utterly broke. Like a frightened animal in unfamiliar territory, he curled up in a large comfy chair in the corner of the living room and whimpered quietly to himself. He was really starting to miss his home, his job at the White House; hell, even being able to urinate for free. But he simply couldn't go back. Knowing Krauser, he'd miss him, but wouldn't let him back in the country without proving his loyalty, probably by shooting the President in the nuts or something. As for returning to Graham...well, he was told not to come back until he understood the meaning behind the story of the origin of the pineapple's name, and that was about as likely as the old lady's pit bull getting hit by lightning, a comet, and an ice cream truck within the next sixty seconds.

Suddenly, the door opened with a bang, scaring the poor brunette shitless. He buried himself further into the chair out of fear, but calmed almost immediately when he saw it was simply Wesker and Sergei hauling in something. It looked, to Leon, like some really fancy computer that only really rich government people would have in some secret location and it was so large that the two men were having trouble getting it inside.

"What the hell is that?" Leon asked.

"Classified...information...!" Wesker growled as he pulled at the mighty machine. "God, Sergei, are you even trying?" He looked around the heavy computer, nearly collapsing on the floor when he noticed Sergei wasn't paying any attention at all, but rather was listening to something on his iPod. With one hand held to his ear and the other holding his iPod, he was dancing to the music a little bit and quietly singing along quietly, though Wesker had no idea what the hell he was saying since it sounded like Russian gibberish.

"You guys have been hauling in a lot of stuff lately..." The brunette remarked. "Where have you been getting it? And I know it's _classified_, but I swear on my beautiful hair that I won't tell a soul if you tell me what it's for."

Wesker ignored him, too busy smacking Sergei upside the head and telling him to focus to listen to his house guest.

The blond and silver haired men finally managed to drag the computer in, stowing it away in the spare room where all the other gadgets and gizmos they salvaged were located.

Leon noticed a lot of odd things during his stay, like the gathering of such high-tech equipment, for example. He also noticed that even though Sergei was a member of Sunglasseslovahkia, he didn't reside in Wesker's house, which basically was Sunglasseslovahkia. Both Sunglasseslovahkian leaders acted so secretive around the brunette when they were talking of official business. Sure, Leon wasn't a member of the country or anything, but they were acting as though they were planning something evil and giggling like excited school girls whilst they did.

To Leon's surprise, Wesker suddenly presented him with five bucks.

"You have to get out." He stated blatantly. "We're having a very important..._party_. Sunglasseslovahkians only. Take this and go find something to do until ten tonight."

Leon didn't like the way the elder man had said, "Party," but he was rather glad to be leaving for a while. The first place he intended on going was a bathroom where he could take a leak for free.

* * *

The park was unusually quiet as Krauser meandered around it. Honestly, he left his house to get some important Krauslovahkian business done like buying everyone a red beret to wear, but instead he found himself there at the park, wandering around all the places he and Leon hung out at when they got in trouble with the President and he'd lock them out of the White House.

He walked around the slide, noticing nobody had bothered to fix the imprint of his face he left in it when Leon pushed him a tad too roughly down the slide.

He finally settled down on a swing, one that was a little lopsided from an incident where both he and Leon where swinging on it at once and one of the chains broke; an incident which also caused Krauser to leave his face embossed in the ground, but that was fixed by now.

Not too far away, Ashley and Blade had arrived. The President's daughter told her father that she wanted to play at the the park, but secretly she discovered Krauser on his way there and wanted to talk to him without her father getting suspicious that she was mingling with the enemy. He sent Blade with her as a bodyguard.

"Krauser!" The blonde shouted and waved as she and the gunman drew near.

Krauser, shocked at the unexpected company, shouted happily and jumped off the swing to give the girl a big bear hug.

"Krau...ser." She choked. "Krauser....too hard!"

"Sorry, kid." He grinned sheepishly as he let her go. He finally noticed Blade and gave a girlish squeal. "Foot long!" Before he could even take a step towards him, a gun was pointed at him and the agent growled, "Don't even think about it."

"I needed to talk to you, Krauser." Ashley said.

"This better be important! I got shit to do."

"Break up your country."

"...What?"

"Krauser, if you do, Daddy will let you come back, and Leon will come back. I heard he left your country."

Krauser chuckled. "Ash, that's a good one. Like I'm really gonna break up my country."

The girl whimpered. "But we miss you...Me and Blade and Jaws...even Daddy. He won't admit it cuz he's stupid, but he does. Just think about it, okay? I'm not telling you to break it up, I'm just making a suggestion."

The commando looked at the younger agent for some sort of confirmation that this was all true and Blade nodded quietly. With a defeated sigh, Krauser said with a somewhat childish whine, "I'll think about it..."

"Yay!" Ashley drew the man in a quick hug.

* * *

Essentially getting paid to leave caused Leon to make his exit pretty quickly, but not before a little payback. To spite Wesker for all the expenses he had to pay living there, he pissed on the doorstep so whoever walked there would track in piss and make the living room smell of urine.

But now he was bored. He was all alone, wandering the streets, garnering looks of abnormality as he walked about in nothing but a pair of boxers that Wesker had generously donated to him to replace the towel.

With nothing better to do, the ex-agent started thinking about the story of the pineapple's name. He didn't understand at all how it was relevant to being let back into the White House, but if that was his ticket back, then he'd tear apart that story and study each chunk until he knew it better than his own head of hair.

_'I'll pwn that story.' _He thought.

He hurried off to the library to start his research, his spirits higher than they'd been in days.

* * *

I'd written A LOT more than that, but since the chapter was turning into, like a novel, I thought I'd cut if off there. I mean, honestly, it was twice the length of a normal chapter and then some. But anyways, next chapter will be posted shortly! :3


	30. Get Your Own Damn Country! Part III

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 30: Get Your Own Damn Country! Part III

* * *

Blade groaned before opening the doors to the Oval Office. Ever since becoming the President's war guy, Graham would endlessly call him, asking if the plans were ready yet. He hadn't even THOUGHT of a plan yet because the President kept bugging him, and now the President was demanding that he show what he had so far.

Graham smiled as the agent/war guy entered. "Blade! The man with the plan! How're you?" He asked cheerily.

"Tired..." The gunman yawned.

"Sounds like it. You shouldn't stay up so late talking to people on the phone."

Blade gave a low, subtle growl. The only reason he was awake was because the President kept calling and waking him up.

"So, Blade, what's the plan?"

Thinking quickly, the orange eyed man replied, "Compromise."

"...Compromise?"

"Yes, compromise."

The President paused, staring blankly before slipping under his desk. Blade watched in odd fascination, wondering what on earth the man was doing. Graham was simply fishing out the weighty dictionary he kept heavily taped under the desk for situations like these and looked up 'compromise.' After that was done, he refastened the dictionary to the desk and returned to his chair, clearing his throat and fixing his tie.

"Ah, yes." He said, trying to sound nonchalant. "To understand. Yes, we must make them understand we mean business!"

"Sir."

"Yes?"

"That's 'comprehend.'"

"...I knew that." Once again, Graham slid slowly out of his chair and under his desk. Blade now understood what he was doing but kept his mouth shut because A, he wanted to keep his job - both jobs - and B, it was pretty funny. The older man returned from under his desk once more. "Yes! Compromise! We must mix them up with oxygen!"

Blade, trying to hold back a small chuckle, corrected him with, "That's 'oxidize,' Mr. President."

Graham slid under the desk a third time, looking utterly flabbergasted. How was he looking up the wrong words? Oxidize didn't even start with a 'C' or a 'K.' How he did that, he didn't understand. He frowned as he flipped through the dictionary hurriedly. Compromise had to be in there. K-O-M-P-R-O-H-M-Y-Z, compromise. He gasped in triumph when he finally found the word. He was sure it was the right one this time. He happily replaced the dictionary and returned to his seat.

Smilingly brightly, Graham said, "Yes, we must compromise! We must anti-depress them!"

"That's 'clomipramine,' sir."

But Graham didn't go under the desk this time. Instead, he stood and angrily slammed one hand on the desk before pointing at Blade with the other and yelling, "YOU'RE clomipra-" As he was about to finish the sentence, the tape gave way and the dictionary fell on his foot. He stopped right when the book hit his foot, completely frozen with a look of vacancy on his face.

Blade, clearly hearing the thud of the book, asked, "Sir, are you alright?"

A few seconds later, the President choked, "Need...sexy...nurse..."

Sighing, Blade left to go make the call and leave the President to sob girlishly to himself to save him the embarrassment..

* * *

"Awesome." Krauser announced glumly as another one of his Krauslovahkian subjects presented him with a gift. It was Thursday and according to rule 1722, everyone was to present the President and Vice President with a gift on Thursdays. Sure, he was getting a lot of cool stuff, but it just wasn't the same without Leon. If Leon were around, they'd both be getting shit and giggling like school girls because of it.

"Leon..." He whimpered. He had no idea if the pretty boy was alive or dead or anything that might be in between, so of course he was utterly miserable. If he knew if Leon was at least alright, he wouldn't care at all; even laugh if he found out the hell Leon had been through.

The mood was changed, however, when another subject brought him the gift of his favorite muffins.

"Sweet!" The Krauslovahkian President shouted as he grabbed the muffins and shoveled them in his mouth.

"Do you miss Leon?" The subject who had given him the food inquired.

"Who the hell is Leon?" Krauser asked, mouth stuffed to the limit. He growled when he heard the house phone ring. "Someone get the God damn phone!"

A handful of his subjects scurried off to answer, and a few moments later, one of them called out to him, "Mr. President, phone! It's some guy named-!" The person who had called to Krauser was immediately sent to the floor with the muffin plate, licked clean, thrown in their face.

"Wrong!" The commando growled. "It's 'God!' Call me 'God!' 'Awesome God' is also acceptable." He hopped off the high stool he was perched upon and took the phone from the now-comatose man's hand. "Jack 'Awesome God' Krauser here. Who the hell is this?"

"Krauser." A deep, quiet voice answered, not saying that he was Krauser but rather trying to get the scarred man's attention.

"No, I'M Krauser. Who is-"

"It's me, you idiot."

"Wait...foot long?" Krauser squealed. "Oh, foot long, it's so good to hear from you! How've you been?"

"I'm saying this once and only once. Disband your country. I'm not suggesting this; I am telling you."

"Now why the hell should I do that?"

"Well, let's see..." Blade paused a bit before continuing. "The President is trying to start war with your country and Wesker's, Leon - as far as I know - has no place to stay, and I'll kill you if you do not. Miss Graham may have gone easy on you, but believe me, I won't."

"You strike up a VERY good point, Blade. Oh, hold on, someone be callin' me." He put Blade on hold and answered the other call. "Who the hell is this?!"

"It's Wesker."

"Hey, slickback! What's going on? Why you be callin' me now?"

"Sergei and I were wondering if you'd like to join our country."

"...What's in it for me?"

"Complete and total power." Wesker smirked evilly over the phone.

"Hmm...I have to consult someone about that." The Krauslovahkian leader took Blade off hold, making the phone conversation three-way. "Blade, if I give up my country, can I join Wesker's country? He says I'll have complete and total power."

"What? Blade's on the phone?"

"Wesker?" Blade sighed. "This saves me having to call you now. Listen-"

"Blade, would you like to join my country? You can be...erm...SERGEI!!!"

Krauser screamed girlishly in surprise at the sudden shout and rubbed his sore ear. He could only assume Blade was doing the same thing.

"What?!" The Russian's voice could be heard in the background.

"What comes after Vice President?!"

"I believe it's the speaker of the House of Representatives!"

"Oh...Um..." Wesker spoke calmly into the phone again. "We don't have a House of Representatives YET, but rest assured-"

"Wesker, I do not want to join your country." The gunman stated, sounding somewhat annoyed. He quickly added, "Or yours, Krauser. Now, both of you listen. I'm demanding the both of you disband your countries and return to the White House."

"Why?"

"Cuz he's gonna kill me!" Krauser cried.

"Shut up, Krauser."

"And plus a bunch of bullshit is going on without us, according to foot long!"

"Hmm..." Once again, Wesker yelled, "SERGEI!!!"

"WHAT?!" The silver haired man's voice returned, this time more distant.

"PICK UP THE PHONE!!! THEN I DON'T HAVE TO SHOUT!!!"

A second later, Sergei's voice was added to the phone conversation, turning it into a foursome. "What is it?"

"Blade said we need to disband the country. Tell me, have we..._done enough_...to call it quits now?"

A pause, then, "Yes, comrade, I'd say we have..._done enough_."

Neither Blade nor Krauser liked the way the two Sunglasseslovahkian leaders were talking, so to get them off the subject, Krauser commented, "So...how's everyone doing?"

"Wait one second." Sergei said. "Krauser never said if he was going to disband his country or not."

"Well, you guys didn't, either!" The scarred ex-agent barked back.

"We're disbanding ours." Wesker announced coolly. "What about you, Krauser?"

"Fine! But under one condition!"

"Name it." Blade ordered.

"I want...I want you to find pretty boy!"

"Well, that can be-"

"He's been staying with me." Wesker confessed.

Krauser gasped. "What?! You asshole, why didn't you tell me?!"

"You never ASKED. And, well, he WAS living with me."

"...What do you mean 'WAS?'"

"A few days ago, I gave him some money and told him to vamoose for a few hours. He never came back."

"Oh, my God!" Krauser began to dry sob. "Leon's dead!"

"Sucks to be you."

"Comrade, that's not very nice." Sergei reprimanded the blond.

"I doubt he's dead." Blade said.

"You're right." Wesker nodded in agreement. "He probably just got mugged and molested in a dark alley somewhere." He chuckled as he heard the commando dry sob even louder. Krauser was so upset by now that he dropped the phone and ran to his room, leaving all his subjects staring at him, then the phone, quizzically.

"Comrade." Sergei said in an almost-scold.

"Yes, Sergei?"

"That was great."

"I know, Sergei. Now where were-" The blond stopped himself when he heard a feminine giggle on the line. "Who is that?"

"...Hi." This new voice all three men recognized as Ashley's.

Blade sighed. "Miss Graham, please hang up the phone and wait for that nurse to arrive."

"She's been here, Blade. She's been here for about an hour already."

"Has she? Then what the hell could be taking her so long-"

"Your father is having sex with a nurse at the White House? Ashley, your dad is a pervert." Wesker snickered.

"They could've at least went to a hotel or something." The Russian added, also quietly chuckling.

"EW!!!" Ashley squealed, then no more was heard from her, indicating she had hung up.

"Alright now, Sergei, where were we?" Wesker snapped his fingers. "Ah, yes, about how we are going to attend to matters after Sunglasseslovahkia is disbanded...Where should we set up the new-"

"I'm still here." Blade spoke up, sounding blatant. His response earned him a few seconds of silent, then two simultaneous clicks and a dial tone. "...Hello?"

* * *

Ashley walked through the halls, trying to rid the images Wesker and Sergei put into her head. To her horror, she watched her father and the nurse emerge from the Oval Office, laughing amongst each other in a tone that suggested something quite suggestive.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" The President asked, winking.

The nurse nodded. "Oh, yes, it was. Absolutely."

Ashley, with her mouth agape, almost passed out right then and there, had it not been for Graham saying, "Time certainly goes by when you're playing Scrabble, huh?"

The nurse smiled. "Mhmm. Call me again in case you get another bad foot injury like that." She bade him farewell and left.

"What a nice nurse." Graham remarked, smiling idiotically to himself.

His daughter sighed in relief that nothing had actually happened, but stopped herself short when he father added, "Nice ass, too."

* * *

Leon groaned unconsciously as he stared blankly at the computer screen. All in the information of pineapples, its name, and - oddly - waffles, seemed to go over his head, like he could hold no more. He probably couldn't, seeing as he spent the past couple of days straight in the library, trying to figure out whatever meaning behind it all the President wanted him to find. A few short hours ago, he simply couldn't take it anymore and slipped into a comatose state, sitting up and eyes wide open.

The librarian had tried to kick him out before, but he was relentless about staying and researching, so she decided to make a deal with him. He could stay in the library all he wanted under the condition that when he was finished, he had to give her at least a thousand dollars which she would be saving for a life-changing operation to help her get her good hearing back.

"HEY!!!" She screeched at him as he sat at the computer inanimately. She poked him with her cane, something she only used to poke people who were sleeping in the library. "WAKE UP, ASSHOLE!!! GOD DAMN IT, WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS FALL ALSEEP IN HERE?!" She poked him harder, determined to awaken the brunette. "GOD DAMN IT!!!" She finally poked him so hard that he toppled out of the chair and lay on the floor, lifeless. If his eyes weren't open, she would've assumed he was dead and would've molested him because he undeniably attractive before calling the police.

She was about to beat him over the head with her cane when he suddenly sat up, gasping like someone who had forgotten to breathe, shouting, "I've got it!" This caused the librarian to clutch her chest and hit the floor, the only motions coming from her was a twitch from her leg.

Leon stood, looking as if the greatest revelation ever had occurred.

Sigh. "There you are, Leon."

The brunette turned and grinned upon seeing Blade. "Blade, I've got it. I've got it!"

"Got what? Never mind, I don't want to know. My IQ might drop. Let's just go."

"Go? Where are we going?"

"I'm taking you back to Krauser. He's worried about you."

"No! Take me to the White House!"

The younger agent looked somewhat surprised, but shrugged and motioned for Leon to follow. "And by the way, what happened to her?" He pointed at the librarian.

"Huh?" Leon followed the finger. "Librarian lady?" He squeaked. He asked, louder, "LIBRARIAN LADY?" He then took her cane and poked her. "HELLO?" He let out a gasp as a hand unexpectedly grabbed his arm and pulled him along, causing him to drop the cane right on top of the librarian's head.

* * *

After dry sobbing for what seemed like hours, and actually was hours, Krauser had made his decision and by God, he hoped it was the right one. With a confident air about him, he stormed into the living and shouted, "Everyone, get the hell out of my house!"

His subjects looked at him as though he'd just gone crazy and with some threats that they would get kicked in the balls - even the girls - they left in a hurry.

Krauser followed them out and strolled purposefully towards the mailbox, where the Krauslovahkian flag hung, proudly blowing in the breeze.

Ada was standing on her front porch drinking some coffee when she caught sight of the spectacle. She wondered what the hell was going on up until she saw Krauser tear the flag off the mailbox and throw it into the air, letting the breeze carry it someplace else. She smiled, sensing Krauser had finally come to his senses, and almost instantly the smile turned into a frown and she screamed when the wind blew the flag towards her porch and the camouflage monstrosity engulfed her. She screamed even louder when she ended up spilling her very hot all over her chest.

"PRETTY BOY!!!" The commando cried as he ran down the street. "I'M GOING TO FIND YOU!!!"

His phone distracted him. He skid to a halt and checked his phone before answering. "Yeah, foot long? It's kind of important. I'm trying to find Leon."

"I already found him." Blade replied. "Come to the White House. That's where we're heading." The poor gunman was nearly rendered deaf when the ex-Krauslovahkian President yelled, "OH, MY GOD!!!" before he abruptly hung up on him.

* * *

Ashley sat at the window, eagerly awaiting Blade's return, hoping he'd have Leon with him. If he didn't, she'd be pissed and depressed beyond belief and then tell Blade to take his shirt off so his sexiness could distract her and hopefully make her go, "Leon who?"

Jaws was also by the window, giving whimpers of excitement. He didn't know what was going on, but it seemed everyone else was acting excited about it, so he would, too.

Ashley squealed in delight as she saw Blade's car pull up with Leon riding in shotgun. In her joy, she threw open the window and haphazardly tumbled out into the bushes. She stood up and straightened herself out before running to Leon with arms wide open, shouting the brunette's name at the top of her lungs.

"Ashley!" The ex-agent cried, also sounding rather relieved. He had just gotten out of the car when he was nearly tackled to the ground by the hysterical blonde. He hung onto the car to keep himself upright as she latched her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. "Ashley! Gah, can't breathe!" He gasped, trying to loosen her hold around his neck.

* * *

Unfortunately for Leon, Graham had picked the wrong time to look out his office window. Mouth agape, he watched as an almost buck-naked Leon, save for a pair of boxers and Blade's trench coat, 'raped' his daughter.

"Oh. My. GOD." He said speechlessly. Without turning his gaze away from the horrid sight, he reached for his shotgun.

* * *

"Leon, I missed you so much!" Ashley sobbed.

"Yes, I missed you, too, but I can't feel my legs!" Leon groaned. "Blade, could you help me?"

Chuckling softly, Blade walked around his car and wrapped his arms around Ashley's waist, tugging her hard. She refused to budge, however, and only resulted in pulling Leon with her as the gunman tugged.

* * *

And then things only got worse...

"OH. MY. GOD." Graham said as now Blade joined in on the 'rape.' _'Now Blade's raping her! What the hell?! My last best, reliable agent/war guy is stabbing me in the back like some sort of...of...backstabber! I should send him back where I got him from!...Where was that, again?'_

Graham promptly dropped his shotgun and, once more without breaking the contact between his eyes and the scene, reached for his bazooka.

_'Wait...this will kill Ashley, too!'_ Upon that realization, Graham pouted. "Shit." Grudgingly, he dropped the bazooka and headed over to the wardrobe. "Where's my bow and arrow?"

* * *

"Oh, for the love of GOD, Ashley!" Leon tried helping Blade by grabbing Ashley around the middle and pushed while the younger man pulled.

At last, the President's daughter let go of the brunette, and so unexpected that Blade fell backwards with her in his arms.

"Sorry, Leon." She giggled in embarrassment up at the pretty boy.

"Yeah, yeah." He helped her up, then Blade. "Where's your dad? Please tell me he's not in a room with a view."

Ashley was about to reply when the answer suddenly whizzed by her head and hit Leon square in the shoulder. It was an unorthodox-looking arrow consisting of a freshly sharpened pencil with flaming faux, colorful feathers taped to the eraser end.

"What the HELL?!" Leon cried.

"You were raping my daughter!" The President retorted, aiming another hastily-crafted flaming arrow at him with a bow made of a rubber band and a flexible ruler.

"But...No, I wasn't!"

"Shut it!" He swiftly turned his aim onto Blade. "And you were helping!"

Blade frowned. "Mr. President, we were, by no means, raping your daughter."

Slowly, Graham lowered the unconventional bow and arrow. "Really?"

"Yes, really."

"...Oh." He let the objects fall from his hands, laughing awkwardly. "Sorry about that."

Leon's jaw dropped and he looked from the President to Blade and back multiple times, sputtering nonsense before saying, "What the hell?! What the HELL?! Whenever _I_ say that, you never believe me!"

"Leon, you still have the arrow in your shoulder!" Ashley shrieked.

The brunette looked down and started flailing his arms as he noticed the flames eating at the pencil arrow were getting dangerously close to his skin. "Oh, God, what do I do?!"

Thinking quickly, Graham scooped up some dirt, unknowingly shoveling up a rock with the earth in his hands, and threw it at Leon. The dirt extinguished the flames whilst the rock hit the ex-agent right in the face, knocking him to the ground. Ashley stared down at him for a few moments to see if he'd move before removing the crude arrow.

"I win!" The President shouted, throwing his arms up in the air. "Um...Leon? You okay?" He walked over and poked him in the side with his shoe. "Leon?"

* * *

"LEON!!!" The commando shouted as the familiar white building came into view. "I'M COMING, PRETTY BOY!!!"

Without much thought to it, he began crossing the street in which there were twelve lanes and no island, resulting in him nearly getting hit and killed at least five times. He did end up getting hit right before he made it to the other side, though.

"Oh, Jesús Christmas!" Krauser cried as he hit the asphalt. He simply stood up, kicked the car's fender, flipped the driver the bird, and went back on his way.

"LEON!!!"

* * *

"Did you hear that?" Ashley asked her father and Blade as they tried reviving Leon in the living room.

Blade nodded. "Yeah. Do you think it's Krauser?"

"I'll see." The girl strode over to the front door. As she reached for the knob, there was a sudden bang on the door like something had run head-on into it and an impression of a certain ex-agent's face and body made its mark in the door. "...Yeah, it's Krauser." Cautiously, she opened the door to find a now unconscious Krauser laying outside the door. With a sigh, she grabbed a leg and pulled him in, knocking his head against the doorframe by accident. "Sorry, Krauser." She mumbled before dragging him into the living room.

The trio tried reviving the two unconscious men for a few minutes until they began to stir, groaning from their injuries.

"Yay! They're waking up!" Ashley cheered.

Both ex-agents sat up and, upon noticing each other, stared at one another for a long time before both broke out into dry sobs in unison and hugged each other, saying how much they missed each other.

"See, Sergei, we're not late." A voice hooted from the doorway. All eyes landed on Sergei and Wesker, who was once again trying to poise himself in a diplomatic fashion.

"Why the hell are you all here?" Graham asked.

"We're breaking up our countries, Mr. President. We want to be agents again."

With a girlish shriek, President Graham clasped his hands together and brought them to his cheek. "Really?!"

Wesker nodded.

"Same goes for me." Leon added.

Sternly, Graham crossed his arms over his chest and gave the brunette a look. "Have you figured out the moral to the story of the pineapple's name?"

Leon nodded vigorously with confidence. "Yes. Yes, I did!"

"Really?" The President appeared perplexed.

"Yes! The moral is...you shouldn't do what your friends are doing just because they're your friends and they're doing it. You should do what you want to do, even if people call you a loser for it."

A brief pause came from the President before he said, "There is no moral, Leon."

"...What?"

"I only said that so someone would listen to the whole story for once and not leave me in the middle and make me feel like an idiot when I'm done and I realize no one's there! You still left, though." He smiled brightly. "But I'll take you back as an agent!"

"...I didn't sleep, bath, or eat for DAYS for this?"

Before Leon had a chance to jump the President and tear his limbs off, Jaws trotted into the room, heading directly for Krauser. The scarred man joyfully opened his arms and the Colmillo leapt into them, sending both himself and Krauser to the floor, where he proceeded by licking the man's face.

"Aww....we're a happy family again!" Ashley smiled sweetly.

And that they were, though at the moment, Leon wasn't too pleased with the grief the President put him through, nor the grief Krauser was about to put him through for leaving. With a little negotiation, he could probably have all the President's grief repaid in cash.

"Why, comrade," Krauser said to Leon just minutes later. "should I let you back in the house?"

"A, it's MY house to begin with. I just let you move in there. And B, if you don't, I'll hunt you down and eat your beret."

And that was how Leon managed to talk his way back into living with Krauser.

* * *

I am MUCH more pleased with this chapter than the last one. Not to mention I'm very pleased that I pumped out TWO chapters in ONE day. :D


	31. Dude Looks Like A Lady

****

Mission: Almost Impossible

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 31: Dude Looks Like A Lady

* * *

There were a lot of things Leon Kennedy would never do. He would never swallow a sword, or squeeze himself into a tutu, or even strip naked and annoy Jaws until he released the Las Plagas from his back and gave him the razor-bladed whipping of a lifetime. But if it meant saving his life or getting a quick buck out of it, he'd do it. Though, there was one thing he'd never do under any circumstances, and that was-

"...You want me to what?"

"I WANT YOU TO GO UNDERCOVER AS A LADY." Graham replied, enunciating each word carefully and vocally.

Leon's jaw had dropped to the floor whilst Krauser stood beside him, snickering behind his hand. The President had lost it. He just totally lost it. What next? Would he declare that he got engaged with a pineapple?

"This is serious!" The President slammed his hands on the desk. "It's so serious that it just goes over my head!"

"A lot of things do, Mr. Prez." The elder agent reminded him.

"Zip it! Now," The President sat back in his chair and cleared his throat. "You two know about the formal party we're having in two weeks, right? Because some rich old guy from England is coming over and we're having negotiations."

"About what?" The brunette asked.

"None of your beeswax! Anyway, this guy hates me personally. I mean, REALLY hates me. But we're having business negotiations because this is important! He's bringing his son, who he dearly loves and takes the opinion of very seriously, so we need you to seduce his son while undercover as a girl so he'll tell his dad about my freaking great hospitality and we'll seal the deal. Until then, we need to train you to be a woman!"

"Why can't you just get Ashley to-"

"I am NOT letting my little girl into a situation where she could get raped!"

"Ugh! She is not gonna get raped!"

"She is, too! I mean, if I were one of those horny adolescent boys, I'd rape her! But I'm her dad, so I don't want to do that."

"In that case, why won't you just use one of the female agents to seduce him?"

Graham's face twisted into a look of puzzlement. "We have those?"

"...Okay, why not Blade? He has long hair."

"Yes, but he's too tall and he looks too much like a guy to pretend to be a girl. You're the shortest agent I have amongst all my best! Plus I'll fire you if you don't do it."

A sigh left Leon's lips. If it meant keeping his job, fine. He'd swallow his pride for two weeks, or as long as he could manage. "Fine, I'll do it."

"Yay!" The man in charge hopped onto his desk and brought the younger agent into his arms for a tight hug. "Thank you!"

* * *

Krauser sat on Ashley's bed, giggling like a madman as he watched the owner of the bed shift through her closet, trying to find the perfect outfit for Leon on his first day of Woman 101. He offered some input every now and then, like, "Try the pink one!" or, "Pretty boy would look pretty hot in that dress."

The outfit picking soon turned into a disaster as every outfit Leon unwillingly tried on ripped due to his larger, muscular frame. A man like him just wasn't suited to be wearing stuff a petite woman with huge ballistics wore. The same thing happened to some of Ashley's bras, so to make up for it, they securely taped fruits to Leon's chest and just left it like that.

After the fifth destroyed set of clothes, Krauser suggested they head over to Ada's house and borrow something.

Ada was also in hysterics when she heard the whole story, but growled angrily at Krauser after she asked him why he suggested they borrow her clothes and he replied, "Because you're fatter than Ashley."

They actually did manage to find something that wouldn't rip. It was a very elegant dress, red of course, and while it was exceptionally stunning, it just didn't seem Ada's style. There was no slit down the long, billowing skirt, it had elbow-length sleeves rather than going commando in that area, and it was adorned with many ribbons and much lace. It was, to say the least, very girly-girly.

Perfect.

With the dress and a pair of the woman's best pumps, along with some other articles of clothing, they left satisfied.

* * *

"You look so pretty, Leon!" Ashley squealed as the brunette looked himself over in the mirror with the dress and shoes on.

"Correction." Krauser placed a long wig on Leon's head, very closely resembling his natural hair color. "_Leonetta_ looks pretty." He snickered.

"Krauser, I am going to kill you later..." Leon grumbled. He had to admit that he did make a pretty girl, though. He just wouldn't make that confession out loud.

"Now let's do your make up!" The blonde girl said merrily as she grabbed the humiliated agent's arm and pulled him over to her dresser and sat him down on her fluffy cushioned stool. As she applied the make up, Krauser snickered and giggled madly, keeping his distance in case his comrade suddenly snapped and decided Krauser's head would look better twisted 180 degrees around. On second thought, he did have a kink in his neck that had been bothering him for a few days now...

A few more strokes of some scary and pointy looking make up instruments and Ashley presented the disguised man all dolled up.

"Awesome work, Ashie. I'd totally bone pretty boy right here and now if I could." The elder agent laughed as the younger one glared and growled at him.

"I want to take this crap off!" Leon whined.

Ashley frowned. "No! You can't until after your lady lessons!"

"'Lady lessons?'"

"Yup. Follow me."

* * *

By the end of that day's so called 'lady lessons,' Ashley wanted to sob and cry out of frustration. Leon had to be the WORST lady ever if one overlooked the fact that he wasn't even a lady to begin with. If he had gotten a grade for the lesson, he would've received the first F- in the history of grading. She tried to teach him how to eat like a lady, how to sit like a lady, even how belch like a lady. What she got in return was Leon shoving food in his face, him sitting with his legs wide open, and a belch so loud that the fine china they were using cracked.

When Ashley declared the lessons were over, Leon was excited. By then, he thought he'd have some fun in his lady get up rather than feel like a dumbass about it.

"Come on, comrade, do it!" Krauser cheered from the bottom of a very long flight of stairs.

At the top, out of view, Leon called back in a very high pitched voice, snickering, "Just a _minute_..." Seconds later, he started running down the stairs, holding up the lengthy skirt of the dress, screaming in his female voice, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" as if something were wrong. The heel on one of his pumps caught on the back of the dress and he tumbled the rest of the way down, yelling, "OH, MY GOD!!!" in his normal voice. The whole scene caused the scarred agent at the bottom of the stairs to burst out into fits of laughter, collapsing on the floor as his friend crash landed at the bottom of the stairs, the only movement coming from the brunette was an occasional twitch in his leg.

Had Leon been conscious, he would've been utterly humiliated at what happened next.

Blade came by with a group of rookie agents; male rookie agents. He was giving them a tour of the White House when they stumbled upon the scene. All the rookies were surprised that there was a hot, albeit muscular, girl with huge boobs laying on the floor unconscious and Krauser wasn't helping her at all, but rather laughing at her. Well, the rookies were more focused on the 'woman' and Blade was glaring at Krauser for his rudeness. While all the rookies assembled around Leon to help drag him to the infirmary, the gunman stalked over to Krauser and stood by his laughing form until he was finally noticed.

"Hey, foot long." The older man greeted him. "Did you see what happened to-" To his surprise, he was kicked in the side and the next thing he knew was being picked up off the ground by the neck of his shirt.

"Yes, I did, as did at least fifteen other people." He glowered with his sunglasses resting further down his nose than normal, orange eyes piercing startled blue. "Do you have no decency to help a woman when she has fallen?"

Krauser's jaw dropped. Blade was even convinced Leon was a woman. Blade. Blade freaking Stryker, a guy who held the very opposite IQ of Krauser. Damn, he'd have to remind himself later to give kudos to Ashley for the great job she did on Leon's make up...

Grinning wickedly on the inside, the commando decided to go along with it. He made himself look extremely apologetic and said, "I'm sorry, foot long, but if you had seen her fall, you'd be laughing your ass off, too."

The younger agent let go of his captive. "Who was that woman, anyway?"

"Her? Oh, that's...erm..." Krauser thought for a moment. He couldn't say Leonetta in front of Blade because then everything would be blown. He racked his brain for a different name until he came across one he heard in a song on the radio that morning. "Layla."

"Layla?"

"Yup! Layla..." Next was the last name. "Erm...Clapton! Yes, Layla Clapton."

"Layla Clapton?" Blade's eyebrow raised as if skeptical.

"Uh huh, Layla Clapton. She's here for...um...some classified bullshit the Prez won't tell us."

Accepting the answer, Blade nodded and left, leaving Krauser to congratulate himself on a job well done.

* * *

Leon awoke in the infirmary later that day, feeling oddly ogled and molested. He groaned as he rubbed his head before screaming girlishly as Krauser, who he hadn't noticed before, suddenly spoke up.

"Guess what?!" The beret-wearing agent asked in exhilaration.

"I'm about to have a heart attack?" The brunette groused.

"Nope. The President didn't tell anyone else about you being undercover as a girl! I asked him why he did that and he said it was to make sure nobody blows your cover. So only you, me, and the kid know that you're you. Nobody can even tell it's you! Even Blade thought you were a woman! Ashley did a really good job on your make up."

"Geez, I feel so good about myself right now." Leon retorted sarcastically, then sighed.

"By the way, your name is Layla."

"Layla?"

"Yup. Layla Clapton."

"Why is it Layla Clapton?"

"Because I already told Blade it was, now go along with it!"

* * *

The next day was utter hell for Leon when he got to the White House, dressed in another one of Ada's outfits. Most of the males ogled him as he walked by them, all under the impression that he was a woman named Layla Clapton. He swore he'd punch someone in the face if they tried to serenade him with the song of the same name.

The morning only got worse from there.

"Attention everyone." Graham's voice spoke, laced with sorrow. "It's with great...uh...word?"

"Regret." Someone whispered next to him.

"Ah, yes, regret. It's with great regret that I tell you all that Leon Scott Kennedy is...um...word?"

"Dead."

"Oh, right! Thanks. Leon Scott Kennedy is dead."

Many of the agents started sobbing after the announcement, and Leon himself was fuming. Instead of playing the sick card, he was apparently playing the dead card. What a surprise the rest of the agents would get when they'd find out he wasn't really dead.

He followed Krauser into the living room, where, to their surprise, they discovered Wesker dry sobbing heavily on the couch as Sergei and Blade tried to console him.

"He was my greatest rival!" The blond with slicked hair wailed.

"But, comrade," Sergei objected. "I thought Chris Redfield was your greatest rival."

Wesker paused his sobbing immediately and took his face out of his hands. Embarrassed, he admitted, "Oh, yes, it slipped my mind briefly."

It was then the trio on the couch saw 'her...' Long brown hair that fluttered in a nonexistent breeze, luscious, pouty sangria lips, bright blue eyes, skin-tight dress that didn't leave much to the imagination, and such voluptuous, succulent melons. As the three men ogled him, Leon rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Guys, this is Layla Clapton!" Krauser announced, wrapping his arm around Leon's waist and pulling him towards him roughly in his exuberance. "Layla, this is foot long, slickback, and Soviet Union." He pointed at each man as he introduced them.

Wesker bolted up from the couch and approached Leon, painting his best smile on his face. "It's Wesker." He corrected, taking one of the brunette's hands in his own. "My, you're quite a looker." Smirking, he placed a chaste kiss on the knuckles of the 'woman's' hand.

"Oh, um, thank you..." Leon chuckled sheepishly, his face burning from embarrassment. _'God damn it, I hate my life right now!'_

Krauser, on the other hand, was having a ball. He found it hella funny that the three agents, and just about every other male agent in the place, had fallen completely head over heels for 'Layla.' This was going to be the best two weeks of his life.

* * *

Over the course of the next week, Leon had gotten better at acting like a lady. No longer did he sit with his legs so wide open that all male agents in the vicinity would pretend to drop something and bend over to get a view, nor did he wander into the male's bathroom to do his business. However, he still had to learn not only shutting the stall door when he entered, but also to sit on the toilet no matter what number he was doing.

Ashley decided he no longer needed lady lessons, and now they would move onto dancing lessons due to the fact he'd have to do a waltz with the rich English man's son. While she instructed verbally, Krauser instructed physically by leading the agent in disguise across the dance floor. The sight made the blonde girl squeal fangirlishly on the inside and while the two agents were too wrapped up in singing Beauty and the Beast, she went to go grab her camera.

"A tale as old as time..." The two men purposely sung as horribly as they could, laughing and snorting as they danced.

"You're the Beast." Krauser added as they broke off into, "La la la la la..." for they had forgotten the words. This earned him a punch in the face that sent him sprawled on the floor. From the thud and the audible crack, it was obvious he left a face imprint in the floor.

An echoic chuckle from across the empty room alerted both men to the presence of Blade.

"Krauser, you're horrible with women." The gunman remarked as he sauntered over.

"Let's see you do better!" The commando scoffed as he picked himself up off the floor.

"Gladly." Blade held his hand out to 'Layla.' "May I?"

Giggling as girlishly as he could, Leon took his hand. "Hell yeah, why not?" He glared at Krauser, who grinned like a Cheshire cat as he watched the two dance, while Blade wasn't looking.

The change in partners took Ashley completely by surprise when she returned with her camera. This didn't stop her from taking as many pictures as she could, in turn making Leon groan inwardly and he felt his face go red in discomfiture.

As if that weren't bad enough, Leon also had some unpleasant encounters with Sergei and Wesker. While Wesker outright asked him on a date, Sergei...well...he was a little more...'hands on.'

"Good afternoon, _Layla_." He purred as Leon entered the kitchen, putting a seductive emphasis on the name. It made Leon want to scream girlishly, rip off his clothes, and run into the shower and scrub himself with a cheese grater to rid himself of the dirty feeling the words left him with.

"Um, hi, Sergei." The brunette replied unsurely. "I just came in here to...uh...ya know...get some shit to eat." He watched the Russian uneasily out of the corner of his eye, noting the way Sergei stared at him like he was a rack of baby back ribs. Really, really good baby back ribs.

Leon quickly whipped up a hot dog and sat across from Sergei at the island counter. He glanced up at the former colonel, who was licking his lips oh so suggestively as he eyed the brunette eating the hot dog. Gulping nervously, he looked down at the counter and when he finally did look up again, Sergei wasn't there anymore. He nearly shrieked and had a heart attack when he felt a pair of hands lay themselves on his shoulders. A nervous whimper left his mouth as the hands began to playfully massage his shoulders.

'_Oh, God...'_ He sobbed girlishly in his head. _'Sergei's gonna molest me and do evil things to me...'_

"You're so tense." The elder man stated. "Why is that?"

"You're going to molest me..." Leon dry sobbed.

"Oh, of course I wouldn't..." The hands traveled down the 'woman's' arms, rubbing 'her' biceps. Sergei leaned in close and whispered into the dry sobbing agent's ear, "Unless you want me to..." He earned a loud whimper in response, one he translated as meaning, "Yeah, baby, yeah!" when actually it meant, "Oh, God, why?!"

'_Happy place...Happy place...'_ The brunette's inner voice sobbed bitterly.

"Oh, my God!" A screech came from the doorway. It was President Graham, looking shocked at the sight before him. "Sergei, what did I tell you about raping people?!"

The Russian man looked confused. "But I wasn't...And you never..."

"No buts! Out!"

Frowning, Sergei trudged out of the kitchen.

"I'm sorry about that, young lady." Graham apologized, sitting next to Leon.

"Mr. President, it's-" The agent began in his girly voice, then cleared his throat and began speaking normally. "I mean, it's me, Mr. President."

The President drew back, looking as though he might have a heart attack. "Holy shit, Leon! I had no idea it was you! You make such a convincing woman."

"Gee, thanks." Leon said, his voice dripping sarcasm.

"Sorry about all this, son, but remember, the party's only a week away and after that, you can get out of this get up."

"Yeah, to a bunch of people who are gonna be pissed cuz they thought I was dead. Why'd you say I was dead, anyway?"

"Because it would make it less obvious that it's you in disguise!"

"That actually makes it a lot more obvious, especially since there's no obituary in the paper and you said there's no funeral being held because my body disappeared down a waterfall. A FLAMING waterfall."

"Just because it's liquid doesn't mean it can't catch on fire! I mean, look at gasoline."

"Mr. Prez..." He sighed. "Never mind."

"I know something that might make you feel better about all this."

"What?"

"You see...a man named Bob..." Graham soon became so engrossed in his story that he didn't notice Leon leave him.

* * *

Leon absolutely did not want to ask a particular favor of Krauser, but he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Pretty boy...are you serious?" The commando looked at his friend uncertainly.

"Yes, Krauser, I'm for serial! Please!" The smaller agent begged, clasping his hands together.

"Alright, I'll do it, but only because I'm feeling generous."

"Thank you!" The cross-dressing man cried happily as he hugged the commando.

Shortly after that conversation, Leon was once again approached by Blade, Wesker, and Sergei, but instead of separately, they came to Leon all at once. Krauser was just around the corner, listening as the three, mostly Wesker, tried hitting on the poor male agent. When he thought the time was right, he stepped into view and wrapped his arm protectively around the shorter man's waist, telling the other three agents off.

"Back off." He snarled. "Layla's MY bitch, bitches!" Without another word, he left, dragging Leon with him.

"Thanks." The brunette in disguise whispered.

"No problem, bitch." The commando chortled, his face consumed by a grin.

It was going to be a LONG week...

* * *

It was, indeed, a long week. Krauser garnered only looks of pure hatred from many of the male agents as he strolled down the halls either with his arm around 'Layla's' shoulders or 'Layla' clinging to his appendage for dear life. Leon would wonder how the hell his life got so crappy while Krauser would ask himself why he was suddenly getting so jealous when the other guys would hit on 'Layla.'

Leon was pleased when the day swiftly turned to night and the party was soon to start. Before long, he'd be out of those damn dresses, the wig, and the make up forever. At least he HOPED it was forever. Unless it was for something funny.

Graham pulled him to the side when the rich English guy arrived with his son and warned him about doing anything stupid.

"Oh, come on, I'm not gonna do anything bad." The brunette told him.

"You'd better not, or I'll sic the pineapple god on you!"

"...Okay...cool."

Smiling, the President introduced Leon to the English man, Neville, and his son, Robert, when they approached.

"Bloody hell, you're gorgeous." Robert marveled.

"Oh, God, you're making me blush!" Leon told him in a shrill voice, letting out a girly giggle at the end.

"Would you like to dance?"

"Sure, why the hell not?"

As they made their way onto the dance floor, Robert couldn't help but feel the burn of many glares fall upon him and as he turned, he saw a crowd of male agents on one side of the room, giving him the nastiest of faces he'd ever received. One of the worst was coming from Krauser, who was half faking it since he was supposed to be 'Layla's' boyfriend. On the other hand, he really was jealous because this guy was hitting on his 'woman.' HIS 'woman.' That is, until he remembered who it really was under that dress and shuddered.

"You're letting Layla dance with another man?" Wesker asked Krauser, stunned, especially after all the resentment the scarred agent shown the sunglasses-wearer for even mentioning the name Layla, whether he be talking about the song or the 'woman' Layla.

Krauser nodded. "She has to. For the President and some deal he's making with that English dude over there."

"Oh." He smirked. "Well, Krauser, if I were you, I wouldn't let some guy move in on my territory. I mean, you love Layla, don't you?"

"No! I mean yes! I mean....Oh, God, I'm so confused!" He held his head in his hands, shaking it side to side.

"Oh, simple Krauser..." He patted the commando on the back.

Ashley was simply having a ball. She was drunk off her ass and loving it. Staggering, she approached the small group of Sergei and Blade, now made bigger with the arrival of Wesker and a hopelessly confused Krauser.

"G-Guys." She slurred, grabbing onto Sergei's shoulder for support. "You have GOT to try the wine. It is EXCELLENT. I-I mean, it is better than SEX. SO MUCH better than sex. It is LIQUID SEX. LIQUID sex." She giggled noisily and her loud emphasis on certain words caused her to get a couple of odd glances sent her way. "What are you assholes looking at?!" She glared at them. "Get back to your liquid sex!"

"Miss Graham, I think you've had too-" Blade began, but was stopped when Ashley sloppily placed her hand over his mouth.

"Shhhh. Shush. Shhhhh. Sh-Shush. Shhhhhhhhh." She got closer to him. "You talk too much..." She giggled. "Let's go get freaky in the broom closet!" She clutched his shoulders and tried to jump up and have him catch her, but she barely got herself off the floor and before he could catch her, she hit the floor hard on her ass. This caused her to laugh hysterically even though her rear end hurt like hell.

With a heavy sigh, Blade bent down and helped her up. "Miss Graham, really-"

"H-Hey. Did you guys know...that Leon is Layla?"

Wesker and Sergei scoffed and snickered at her drunken statement. Preposterous. There's no way that idiot - rest in peace - could've possibly been the beautiful Layla.

All was going well, and as the night wore on, Robert seemed very swayed by 'Layla's' charm and happily reported to his father that he thought he should most definitely agree to the negotiations with President Graham since he was getting the most hospitable of treatment. It seemed then and there the deal was sealed and finally, Leon could slip out and change back into his regular clothes and-

Leon appeared surprised when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He groaned mentally, thinking it was one of the many male agents wanting to ask him to dance, but instead met the gaze of Krauser. He was thrown off even more when the commando asked him if he'd like to dance.

"You know, so we don't blow out cover." He added.

With a nod, the brunette took his hand and they went onto the dance floor. Krauser stuck his tongue out at all the glaring agents who wanted to dance with 'Layla.'

"Krauser, you're acting VERY weird. A different kind of weird than normal. What's going on...?" The undercover agent asked quietly in his regular voice, suspicion evident.

"Leon, I love you." Krauser said, blatantly.

"...What?"

"The chick part of you, I mean!" The scarred agent added quickly.

Leon snorted, trying to hold back laughter. "It's okay, I know what you mean. I fell in love with the chick part of me, too. Kinda scary when you think about it."

"Mhmm."

"Dip me!" The brunette ordered shrilly in his faux female voice. He and Krauser laughed as he tried to dip him and they ended up sprawled on the floor.

"Oh, my God! He's raping Leon!" Graham shouted from across the room. When all eyes landed on him in confusion, he went, "Erm...I mean...Oh, my God! He's raping Layla!"

"That's AWESOME God to you!" Krauser shouted back.

"Krauslovahkia doesn't exist anymore, dumbass. You're no longer Awesome God." Leon whispered hoarsely. "And get off me! I can't breathe."

"Sure, _lovey_." Snickering, Krauser got up and picked Leon up off the floor with him.

Ashley, in a drunken stupor, ran towards the two agents to tell them something she thought, in her state of drunkenness, was highly important. She ended up tripping over her own two feet and as she fell, she grabbed Krauser's pants for support. She not only ended up pushing Krauser into Leon and causing them both to topple back onto the floor, but also pulled the taller agent's pants down to his ankles. It not only caused Krauser to crush the melons taped to Leon's chest, but also forced his lips upon Leon's.

"Oh, my God! They're having sex on the floor!" Graham shrieked. "Someone stop them!"

"Oh, for the love of- They aren't having sex!" A random agent shouted at him.

Gasps of shock and astonishment were heard scattered across the room as the duo stood once more. Leon immediately knew what the problem was when he felt a weight on his head had been removed. His wig had fallen off when he fell the second time, and now everyone knew that Leon had not died and there never was a 'Layla' in the first place. It was Leon.

No one was more surprised than the male agents, especially Sergei, Wesker, and Blade. Wesker bent over and gagged and Blade looked completely lost, like his brain couldn't take the information and he began to hyperventilate, tightly hugging himself. Sergei had the worst reaction. He ran out of the room, screaming and flailing his arms, yelling things in a slur of English and Russian.

"Oh, my God!" The President tried to sound like he was taken aback, but was failing miserably. "I cannot believe the trick my agents pulled! What the hell?!"

* * *

The next three days were hell at the White House. The President had explained to Neville about trying to impress his son so the deal would be made and while he was rather touched the President would go to such a length for his approval, Neville made it clear that the negotiation plans fell through. Graham also had to explain this to all the agents, all of whom were pretty pissed of being informed so late due to the fact that a majority of the male agents had, in some form, hit on Leon while he was under the guise of 'Layla Clapton.' Not to mention they were all pretty steamed about being told of Leon's so called 'death.'

No one was mad at Leon, though. They knew he was simply doing what he must in order to keep his job and while the male agents weren't happy that he didn't tell them who he was to begin with, they didn't hold it again him.

Leon was just happy to be out of those damn dresses and be Leon Scott Kennedy again, and Ada was happy to have them back, albeit they were completely stretched out.

* * *

I finished this chapter in about a day. A DAY. I am getting better! :D

I thought this chapter would be perceived as a little odd because of, you know, the "every male agent/Leon" thing, but I do hope you like it. :3


	32. Lemonade, Anyone?

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 32: Lemonade, Anyone?

* * *

From the moment he woke up, Leon knew it was going to be a crappy day. His bed was soaking and he actually thought he'd wet his bed until he realized it was sweat. It was supposed to be the hottest day they'd had in a long time. So hot, in fact, that Krauser cooked their breakfast on the sidewalk. To top it all off, their AC broke down.

Krauser, however, remedied the situation by "borrowing" a ton of fans from a store a couple of blocks away. The two men grabbed some lounge chairs from the backyard and brought them into the kitchen, situating them in front of the open freezer door. They placed the fans in a circle around the chairs and plopped down in them, wearing nothing but their boxers.

"Krauser, this is the best feeling of relaxation ever..." Leon said with a contented sigh. "What would you call it?"

Krauser eyed him curiously. "What would I call it?"

"Yeah. You must have some sort of Krauser-ism for this."

"Hmm..." A word clicked in his mind after a few moments passing. "Relaxturbation."

"Relaxturbation?"

"Yup. Awesome God declares it as relaxturbation."

The younger man grimaced. "That makes it sound dirty."

Krauser nodded with a smirk. "I know."

Their blissful slice of heaven was suddenly and rudely torn away from them when the lights flickered off, including that of the freezer, and the fans all slowed to a stop.

Angrily, Krauser pointed a finger at the appliances and growled, "Awesome God COMMANDS you to turn back on!"

"Oh, my God, Krauser, did you forget to pay the electric bill?!"

"Um..." The commando chuckled sheepishly. "Maybe..."

* * *

The laptop was booted up and a crappy little battery-operated fan stood to the side of it to keep Leon cool while he worked on getting the electric bill paid. He SHOULD'VE been working on paying the bill, but he found it much more entertaining to check his accounts at MyFace and Spacebook and look up various places on Boogle Earth Live. He looked up his house, discovering some strange flesh-colored form in the backyard. At first he had no clue what it was, but as he zoomed in and the resolution became clearer, his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets and he let out a choked gasp.

"Oh, my God!"

The sight that met him when he raced into the backyard with a spare pair of Krauser's pants proved that Boogle Earth Live and his eyes were not deceiving him. There lazing about in one of the lounge chairs from the kitchen - wearing nothing but a pair of shades, his trademark beret, and a smile - was the owner of the slacks.

"Krauser, what are you doing?!" The flabbergasted brunette asked.

"Nude sun bathing!" The other replied with a smile.

That was when the hot pursuit around the backyard began, Leon flailing the pants in the air and Krauser giddily fled.

"Put some pants on! People can see you!"

"Did you happen to think maybe they WANT to see me?!" Krauser slipped into the front yard, shortly followed by Leon. He dashed across the street and down it some to Ada's house, thinking he could seek refuge there. He darted around back and entered through the back door, all while Leon simply watched in a fascinated stupor from the sidewalk.

A feminine scream erupted from the house mere moments later, by Krauser or Ada, Leon couldn't tell until he heard the Asian woman shout, "Krauser, what are you doing?!"

"Hiding from Leon!" Was the commando's rebuttal, shockingly followed by, "Oh, are these your parents? Hi, nice to meet you. My name's Krauser."

"Krauser, put some pants on!"

"I can't do nude sun bathing if I'm wearing pants! That would be like eating soup without a fork!"

"You eat soup with a spoon!"

Obviously outsmarted, Krauser replied, "...You're gay!"

* * *

Once Krauser was forced into a pair of pants, the two agents found themselves on their way to the White House. Not only were they hoping to get out of the heat wave there, but they also remembered they had to work that day. They'd be a couple hours late, but they could probably get by Graham if they made some sort of excuse involving a pineapple and maybe throw in a guy named Bob.

Of course, there was a small hindrance they experienced before they could actually be on their way; a certain wardrobe malfunction of Krauser's pants that required help from paramedics in order to free something valuable from the zipper.

"I can't believe you actually got it caught in the zipper." Leon remarked with a chuckle.

"Yeah, I know. I'd be pretty upset if those paramedics couldn't get it out. Things would get a little too hot there, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah. Me, too. I like it. It's my favorite, actually."

"Yours too?" The scarred agent inquired, absentmindedly playing with what was caught in the zipper earlier.

"Well, yeah. It's pretty hot."

"Duh! It's a freaking lighter!" Krauser affectionately caressed the lighter against his cheek. "I love my lighter..."

The agents nearly cried in joy when they arrived at the White House and found it to be pleasingly cool. In fact, they actually wished they'd dressed a little heavier considering it was rather chilly indoors.

They went into the kitchen to get something to eat, where they discovered their charge, Blade, Wesker, and Sergei all in the kitchen, apparently working on making a pitcher of lemonade.

Ashley smiled at them, completely ignoring sharp bark from Sergei as she accidentally squirted him in the eye with a lemon halve. "Hey, guys! What took you so long?"

"Krauser got his zippo stuck in his zipper, and some other shit happened." Leon explained. "Why're you guys making lemonade?"

"Oh, Daddy ordered us to because it's hot outside, which makes no sense because he's inside. You wanna help?"

"Boy, do we!" Krauser dashed merrily towards the counter. However, he tripped over Jaws, whom he did not see laying on the floor. He flailed his arms wildly in hopes that the action would save him, but instead caused him to knock the glass pitcher off the counter. It landed on the floor with a splash and shatter, sending lemonade and glass shards everywhere, and much to Krauser's misfortune, his face planted firmly into the mess.

The agents and Ashley watched him in shock as he lay there motionless. Bravely, Leon stepped forward and poked Krauser with his shoe, asking if he was okay. At first, there was no response, until Krauser abruptly lifted his face from the glassy puddle and let out a high-pitched scream, nearly giving the younger agent a heart attack.

* * *

Leon waved good bye to the paramedics, the same ones from earlier that morning, as they left. He sighed before turning to Krauser, whose face was completely wrapped in bandages, save his eyes.

"God damn it!" The injured agent glowered. "How the hell am I supposed to eat?!"

The brunette shrugged. "Intravenously?"

"Pretty boy, this is no time for an interview!"

Leon opened his mouth to correct Krauser, but instead he uttered, "Never mind." before closing his lips.

An even louder, "GOD DAMN IT!!!" echoed from the kitchen and the two agents scurried off to see what the problem was.

"Who the hell broke my pitcher?!" The President snarled.

All eyes fell on and all fingers pointed to Krauser as he and Leon entered the kitchen.

"Oh, come ON!" Krauser cried in defense. "I can't be in trouble already. I just got here!"

"You ASSHOLE. Do you realize how long that pitcher has been in my family?"

The beret-wearing thought, then shrugged, responding with, "Not very long since no one in your family has glass bones." He reply earned him a quiet chuckle from Leon.

"If that pitcher were a person, it would have great great great great great great great great great grandchildren! That's how old it is! Not to mention it's pretty damn expensive. It's like something you'd see on that one show that has a bunch of antiques on it."

"_Antique Fever_?" The pretty boy inquired.

"No! _New York Goes To Work_!"

" Sir, that's not a...Never mind."

"So..." Krauser began slowly, cautiously. "What does this mean?"

* * *

"Let me IIIIIIIIN!" Krauser wailed pitifully as he clawed at the White House's locked front door with Leon by his side, looking utterly pissed with his arms crossed tightly over his chest.

"Krauser, I hate you! Every time you get in trouble, I get punished, too!"

"That's because we're a team!" The commando explained.

"Then this is the shittiest team ever."

To both the agents' surprise and joy, they heard the door unlock and open, revealing the President's daughter.

"Daddy says you can come back in." She said.

"Whoo hoo!" The agents hooted.

"But first you need to sell lemonade to pay for the pitcher."

Leon grinned. "Oh, no sweat. How much money do we need to make?"

"Two million dollars."

As quickly as their joy came, it left, leaving the two men looking stunned.

"And you can't borrow lemons, sugar, or anything from inside." The blonde added before shrugging helplessly. "I'm sorry, guys." And with that, she closed to door on them.

"...Krauser?"

"Yes?"

"Run..."

"...Why?"

"Because...I'm about to strangle you!" The brunette chased the blond once more as soon as the last words were out of his mouth.

* * *

Leon eventually stopped his pursuing so the two of them could get some work done and they headed back to their place to get some supplies. While Leon busied himself with setting up the stand in front of the White House, Krauser took it upon himself to make the sign, using a variety of colored markers, drawings, glitter, and shiny material.

The sign looked like some sort of failed piece of abstract art, what with the collage of drawings of boobs and fuzzy animals, rainbows and bloody hatchets, all interspersed on a sea of glitter and shiny stuff.

Once Leon was finished with the stand, he stood over Krauser - working so hard on the sign - and cocked his head to the side to try and figure out what the hell the sign was all about.

"Krauser? What the hell is wrong with the sign?"

"Nothing's wrong with it!" The commando stood, bringing the sign with him. He pointed to each item as he explained. "The boobs are to attract guys, the fuzzy animals are to attract girls and little kids, the glitter and rainbows are supposed to attract little kids and homosexuals, the bloody hatchets are to attract psychopaths, and the shiny stuff's supposed to attract morons and birds."

"Hmm..." Leon rubbed his chin in thought. "Krauser, you might actually have something there. It's missing something, though." He grabbed a green and a yellow marker and added a quick doodle to a blank part of the sign. Krauser flipped it over and observed the newly-drawn pineapple. "It's to attract the President." Leon explained.

"Leon, that's genius."

As he looked over his handiwork, the brunette took notice of the actual words printed on the sign. It stated that each cup cost two million dollars. As strange as it sounded, it seemed pretty smart to Leon. The pitcher they had would serve probably ten cups, and two million times ten was twenty million and they were planning on making a lot of lemonade, therefore they would have enough money to pay back the President for the pitcher and have a lot left over. They could probably buy the President himself and the White House with the amount left over.

Oh, yes, this plan was flawless. Absolutely flawless.

* * *

Blade, Wesker, and Sergei came out just as the two were finishing up their first batch of lemonade simply to see how they were doing, not to mention they were a little thirsty. Almost fearfully, they stood a few feet away, looking the stand up and down to see if it was...safe.

Wesker's eyebrows shot up in interest. "Oooh, a bloody hatchet..." The blond with slicked hair was the first to venture over, followed by Sergei when the Russian noticed the shiny material, and finally Blade when thirst got the best of him.

"Ha! I knew it!" Krauser pointed at Sergei and smirked, though invisible due to the bandages. "I always told you Sergei was a bird!"

"Krauser, you never said-" Leon began, but was interrupted by Sergei growling.

"Just give us our damn lemonade." The Russian seethed in a threatening manner.

They served the other three agents their cups, watching them hopefully and eagerly, awaiting for them to drink the lemonade and critique it. The three, however, peered into their cups unsurely. Finally, one of them - Wesker - summoned the balls to take a sip.

"Gah..." He grimaced. "It tastes coppery. Why?"

"And why is it pink?" Blade asked, sloshing the liquid around in his cup.

"I cut myself slicing lemons." Krauser held up his injured finger as if for evidence.

Wesker, taking a second sip just as the commando began his explanation, immediately spat the pinkish lemonade out in shock, getting it all over Krauser's bandaged face. The liquid seeped through the bandages and burned his facial lacerations. He clawed helplessly at the bandages as muffled screams filtered through the gauze and he dropped to the ground, rolling around in pain.

Blade and Sergei dropped their cups, looking sick and mortified.

Leon, seemingly unaffected by Krauser's current predicament, held his hand out. "You owe us two million dollars. Each." But instead of getting paid, he got the cold shoulder as his three comrades left. "Well, damn..." He looked down at the rolling, screaming form of Krauser as if just noticing him and said, "Oh, Krauser, when did you get here?"

* * *

A new batch of lemonade was made, one that wasn't contaminated by blood or anything of the sort.

Krauser sighed contently as he stirred what was in the pitcher, a fresh covering of bandages wrapped around his face. Leon sighed as well, but not from feeling content. It was a more saddened sigh as he changed the sign to say that each cup cost five dollars. At this new pace, they would be running the stand until they were ninety years old before they had enough money for the President's stupid old pitcher.

Ashley came out with her purse, determined to help her two friends as much as she possibly could.

"Ashley! You came to buy a drink?" Leon looked hopeful.

"Oh, no." At her answer, the man's face fell. "I'm going over to the 7-11 to buy a slushie."

"But..."

"You know, I'm going to choke on it or something like that and threaten to sue and tell everyone to come here for a drink instead of over there."

"...Would you still buy a drink, anyway?"

"Oh, fine." Ashley grabbed an already-filled cup and took a swig. Her eyes bulged and she spat the lemonade out, accidentally spewing it all over Krauser's face.

"Oh, God, not again!" The scarred agent cried as his body once again met the earth, muffled screams coming from his gauze-covered mouth as he rolled around.

"This is too sweet! I could've gotten diabetes from this!" The girl slammed her cup down. "I'm going to sue you guys!"

"Oh, come ON, Ashley." Leon groaned.

Ashley turned to a group of people who were heading over to the lemonade stand and said to them, "Do NOT buy this lemonade! Go over to the 7-11 and buy their slushies!"

The group looked amongst each other before heading across the twelve lane, no island street with a fuming Ashley in tow.

"Ashley, you suck!" The brunette shouted after her, then sighed in frustration. He then noticed a bug on his hand and shook it to get the insect off, resulting in him knocking the pitcher off of the stand and onto Krauser's face as he continued to roll on the ground. This only caused him to scream louder and roll around more vigorously, clawing at the bandages so hard and fast that he appeared to be smacking his face rather than clawing at it.

What concerned Leon was not the fact that Krauser had just got lemon'd for a third time that day, but rather the only pitcher they had was now broken.

"Thanks a lot, Krauser!" His response from the fallen agent was only more muffled, agonized screams.

* * *

The President had to leave suddenly on urgent business, i.e. he ran out of canned pineapples and needed to get more at the store, thus giving the two agents the perfect opportunity to sneak back in for supplies. Despite the scene Ashley had made, they eventually received a ton of business. Well, after they managed to get the lemonade right. Seeing as they didn't have a pitcher anymore, they had to make individual cups, which worked out great since some of their customers had very different tastes from one another when it came to lemonade. But now, they seriously needed a pitcher because they were flat out tired of doing individual cups, among other things.

"Where the hell is the spare pitcher?" Leon shut the cabinet he was searching through. He and Krauser practically turned the kitchen upside down looking for a pitcher.

"The one you broke was the only one the President had." Blade said from the door as he watched the two scuttle about.

"Then what are we gonna do?"

"Hmm..." Krauser wandered out of the room, motioning for Leon to follow him. Leon complied, and was also followed by Blade, who simply had to see what ridiculous idea had popped into the idiotic agent's mind now.

Leon and Blade watched as the elder agent stopped and pointed towards the open bathroom door, Leon in horror and Blade expressionlessly.

"I knew it. Simply idiotic." The orange-eyed agent left without another word.

"Oh, my God..." Leon choked. "You can't be serious."

"Oh, come on, pretty boy, if we just pour some dish soap in there and flush it a few times, it'll be okay. But first, I need to take a shit." Krauser entered the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He lifted the toilet lid, discovering someone had apparently made stew earlier and didn't bother to flush it down. "It looks like somebody beat me to it."

* * *

Leon's lips twisted downwards in disgust as he handed another customer a cup of the special toilet-made lemonade, his hands protected by latex gloves. Krauser's mouth, on the other hand, was twisted upwards in a grin, though the bandages kept it from being seen. Everything was going well and it seemed that in no time, they would have enough money to pay President Graham for the pitcher.

Seeing as the President would return soon and the duo didn't want to get caught going back and forth between the bathroom and the lemonade stand, they had an "errand boy" get a bucket of the lemonade from the toilet and bring it out, the errand boy being Wesker because he was that twisted and cruel.

"I feel so dirty..." Leon moaned.

Krauser shrugged. "Well, we had to make money somehow." He snorted when he saw the President's limousine approach. "Look who's back."

President Graham emerged from the elongated ebony vehicle, his arms loaded with bags of canned pineapples. He smiled brightly and whistled as he headed for the front door.

Then...the unthinkable happened.

Graham stepped in a hole dug up by Jaws and fell, the bags flying in every direction. One bag in particular somehow managed to end up in the closest lane to that side of the street on the twelve lane, no island road. He let out a long, "No!" as if everything were going in slow motion, though that was not the case.

Almost automatically, Leon and Krauser ran towards the street. Krauser, being the hero that he was, violently shoved his comrade into the street to extract the bag. The brunette picked it up and threw it to injured agent, who in turn threw it back over to the President, clonking him right in the head with it. His arms may have been fast, but Leon's legs weren't quick enough and he ended up getting hit by a car. Granted, he wasn't horribly injured, but he did wind up limping back to the safety of the sidewalk.

"Oh, my God!" Graham screeched, sitting up and holding his head in one hand while the other held the bag Krauser tossed over. His eyes got bigger, glossier with tears. "You...you saved my pineapples..."

The commando shrugged. "No big deal."

Dry sobbing, the President ran over to the two agents and hugged them tightly, earning a cheer from the customers. In his hustle, he kicked the lemonade stand unintentionally and caused the bucket to fly up, right into Krauser's face. For the fourth time that day, the scarred man screamed, though he was unable to hit the ground and claw at the bandages due to his employer embracing him so tightly.

* * *

"Boys, boys, boys." President Graham chirped, pacing behind his desk in excitment. "You both have done the greatest thing ever in the history of history today! How in the world could I possibly reward you?"

"Well, you already kinda did by letting us back in the White House..." Leon stated.

Graham gasped as a thought hit him. "I've got it! You boys don't have to pay me back for the pitcher. Actually, you can keep all the money you made today."

"Yes!" Both agents high fived each other.

"To tell you the truth, that pitcher...it was worthless."

The jubilate expressions on the two agents' faces were replaced with looks of disbelief.

"W-What?" The younger agent stuttered.

"That's right, it was worth about ten bucks. You see, the original broke a LONG time ago and I had to replace it, so I went to a flea market and found a replacement. Now, don't get me wrong, the original was worth a LOT, but the one at the flea market, even though it looked the same, wasn't worth much."

The commando and the pretty boy stared at the man in charge in silent incredulity before they found themselves quietly growling, the rage inside of them completely indescribable.

"But we all have a lesson to learn from this, right? I actually know a story that has the perfect moral! You see, a man named Bob..." And as the older man rambled on, he took no notice of the two fuming men leaving the Oval Office, slamming the double doors behind them.

* * *

Well, this is a very special chapter. A long time ago, it was originally supposed to be chapter 20, but got scrapped after only receiving a title. I salvaged it from my 'unfinished chapters' folder and decided to work on it some more and make it chapter 31, but obviously it once again returned to the forsaken folder. Now, it has been given a third chance (how often does that happen?) and here it is! :D

I wanted to finish this up ASAP because Taker-took-my-Toys bribed me in a way I could not resist. Evil! However, there was a problem. I was having computer troubles and lost the original, so I had to rewrite it from memory onto my mother's laptop.

Alright, enough of my rambling. Please review. :3


	33. Como Say What?

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 33: Como Say What?

* * *

The hall leading to the Oval Office was filled with dry sobs as Leon and Krauser trudged onwards, garnering odd glances from random employees passing by. The two knew they were in huge trouble after the call they received from Graham that morning, telling them to get to the White House and meet him in his office ASAP. They were almost positive their careers were over and they were going to be thrown out on the streets, and possibly shot at by the President to make sure they would leave.

Whimpering, they stopped before the office's double doors, hesitating briefly before opening them and entering. They quietly shut the doors behind them and approached the desk, dry sobbing quietly the whole time.

Graham, standing in front of the windows with his back to the agents, sighed. "Guys...I have to tell you something. It's...kind of hard for me to say." He took a deep breath. "You guys are-" A girlish shriek nearly left his throat when he suddenly felt something grab his legs. Looking down, he found both agents were clinging to him, dry sobbing and wailing about how they didn't want to be fired and they would be good from now on and stop making fun of the President behind his back and they would quit spitting in his mouth when he took a nap in the living room. "No, you guys aren't getting fir- You do WHAT?!"

"...Nothing." Leon and Krauser slowly let go of President Graham's legs and ambled back in front of the desk.

"As I was saying before...Oh, God." The President sniffled a little, pulling a handkerchief out of his suit pocket and dabbing at his eyes. "I'm sorry, it's just so hard for me..."

"It's okay, Mr. Prez." Leon walked around the desk and patted his employer on the shoulder.

"You guys..." He sniffled again and blew his nose in the handkerchief.

"Damn it, just tell us already!" Krauser growled.

"My pineapple tree is dead!" Graham sobbed loudly. "You guys need to bury it!"

The brunette's face scrunched up, confusion clearly written on it. "But...you don't have a pineapple tree."

Calming down a bit, Graham asked, "I don't? But what's that one tree in the backyard with-"

"That is an evergreen tree, sir. An evergreen tree with car air fresheners on it shaped like pineapples. Me and Krauser put them on there for you to make you feel better last week when you walked into the corner of your desk and hurt your love below, remember?"

"Oh..." The President started sobbing hysterically once more. "That poor tree! Struck down in its prime! God damn that lightning bolt!"

The two younger men exchanged odd glances. It hadn't rained in a while, so where could this "lightning" have come from?

The President suddenly stopped his crying and said, "Oh, yeah, and I thought you guys might wanna know that Umbrella is back." before going back to his wailing.

Glances were again exchanged between the agents, this time with looks of complete surprise.

"Como say what?!" Leon sounded completely overwhelmed.

"That's right, Umbrella's back!"

Three seconds later, the brunette shouted, "Oh, God, no!" On the contrary, his comrade cried out, "Oh, God, yes!" Leon stared at him, shocked, and asked, "What the hell did you just say?!"

"I have no clue how it happened," President Graham started, ignoring the outburst from the agents. "but it happened! Now leave me be!" He plopped down in his chair. "I have to grieve over my ever-pineapple tree."

Upon leaving, Leon promptly pulled Krauser aside and asked him, "What the hell was up with that, 'Oh, God, yes!' crap?!"

"Pretty boy, this is something that I put a lot of time and effort into. That's really the only reason I'm happy about it. I don't care about resurrecting Umbrella anymore. Wouldn't you be happy if something you slaved over was finally accomplished, even if you didn't want it anymore?"

Leon nodded, sighing. "...Krauser, I swear. If you're lying to me, I'm going to let Jaws use your beret as a chew toy."

"Oh, God, no!" The commando cried girlishly.

* * *

Their mission was simple, or so it sounded according to the President. "Find out who the hell brought back Umbrella and eat them!" the President had said, or something like that. Leon and Krauser weren't really paying attention. The command was very general and they weren't given any clues on where to start searching, any possible suspects, nothing. Just go and find them.

"So...where should we search first?" Krauser asked.

"Let's look in the kitchen." Leon headed for said location, tailed by Krauser.

Sergei and Wesker were giggling amongst each other in the kitchen. About what, Leon and Krauser didn't think they wanted to know, but they sure as hell sounded happy.

"Oh, my God!" The brunette gasped, then pointed at the other two agents. "You two used to be with Umbrella! Krauser, do you know what this means?"

"Yeah..." The commando nodded. "They can tell us who brought back Umbrella!"

"W-What? Someone brought back Umbrella?" Wesker inquired, feigning ignorance. "Sergei, did you know?"

"I had no clue, comrade." The Russian replied, also blatantly fibbing.

Leon frowned. "Damn! Well, do you know who might've brought back Umbrella?"

"Well..." Wesker hummed as he thought. "I know Krauser was trying to bring back Umbrella some time ago..."

The brunette turned to his friend. "Krauser?"

"God damn it, it wasn't me!" The commando growled, but quickly his face fell and molded into a look of suspicion and confusion. "Or...was it? Oh, my God, how much did I drink yesterday?!"

"Krauser, I don't think something like Umbrella could be resurrected over the course of one night. I don't think ANYTHING could be resurrected over the course of one night. Well, except for Chucky, but he doesn't count cuz he's not real...Or is he?"

"Well, how do YOU know?" Krauser pointed at him with an accusing finger. "Maybe YOU were the one who brought back Umbrella!"

"...Krauser...Why the HELL would I want to bring back Umbrella?"

"Good question." He eyed Leon disturstfully. "Just who ARE you, Leon Cecilia Kennedy?"

"That doesn't even start with an S! It's Scott. My middle name is Scott."

Krauser gasped. "See?! I don't know who you are! Oh, my God! My best friend is the one who resurrected Umbrella!" He left, dry sobbing and running like a small girl.

"Damn it...Krauser, wait up, you retard!" Leon went after him, leaving Sergei and Wesker alone once again.

The blond chuckled. "Oh, those fools..." He remarked.

"Yes...This is much too easy." The Russian gave a throaty chuckle.

"Come, colonel, let's go celebrate with a pizza."

"Let's get potatoes on it this time."

"Sergei, they don't do that here."

"That's why this whole world sucks! They used to do that back in Russia when the Soviet Union was around."

"Yes, yes, the Soviet Union was cool, blah blah blah. I've heard it all before. You've said it a million times."

"A million and ONE." He corrected Wesker.

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

"Leon, you're fired!" Graham finally shouted at Leon after a long, heated argument between him, the brunette, and Krauser over the misleading "information" the older agent had "gathered."

"I had nothing to do with it!" Leon groaned. "How could you even think that?"

"Well, can you prove you have nothing to do with it?"

"Okay. I had nothing to do with it."

"...I believe you."

"I believe you, too!" Krauser slammed his hand on the desk, resulting in him hurting his hand and he screamed girlishly.

"Mr. President, do you have any sort of leads? I mean, what you gave us earlier - hell, you didn't even give us anything - we can't get very far with that."

"Hmm..." Graham plopped down in his chair and pulled out his laptop. He starting typing this and that while the two agents stood behind him to look over his shoulders. After about a minute or two, the President announced, "Okay, I have some leads."

"Great! Now tell us."

"Well, for one thing, the person who did it is a guy."

"That means pretty boy isn't a suspect." Krauser snickered, then gave a girly shout as Leon slapped him on his injured hand.

"Does that count people who have had female-to-male sex change operations?" The brunette asked.

"Uh..." Graham scratched his cheek in puzzlement. "Maybe..."

"And you know, there are some girls who have penises." The elder agent added.

"...Krauser, you're disgusting. No more Discovery Channel for you." Leon made a mental note to call up the cable company later and see if he could get that specific channel blocked. "What else about this guy?"

Abruptly, the President stood up and slapped Leon across the face before sitting back down. "There's two of them! God, don't you listen?!"

Leon held his cheek, looking flabbergasted. "But...you said...Oh, never mind!"

"There's two culprits. They're both guys. One wears sunglasses all the time and the other has silver hair. That's all the information the computer would provide me with. Hopefully that's enough for you guys."

"Oh, sure, yeah, that's _plenty_." The commando spat sarcastically, throwing his arms up in the air. He gasped suddenly. "Oh, my God, it IS enough! Pretty boy, I know who did it!"

Excited, Leon asked, "Already?! Who?"

"It was...I lost it."

"...You dumbass."

Graham sighed. "It's fine, boys. You can go now. Maybe you'll have some luck finding these creeps."

* * *

The President slept peacefully in his bed, his snores practically in sync with those of the Colmillo sleeping at the foot of his bed. Unconsciously, Graham thrust his leg out, kicking Jaws off the bed. The dazed canine landed with an audbile thud on the floor, yelping in alarm.

Graham awoke and sat up suddenly, making a raspy inhale of realization. "Dear God, I know who did it!" He snatched up the phone from his bedside and began to dial the police.

* * *

The next morning, Leon and Krauser arrived to quite a scene at the White House. Two policemen were trying to subdue Blade, who was fighting them off and snarling at them, "Let me go!" Another pair of officers were handling the President, who was dry sobbing and girlishly screaming, "I was framed!"

"But, Mr. President, you told us yourself that it was both you and this gentleman." One of the cops said to him.

"Oh, sure, a guy tells on himself and counts as not framed!"

Leon and Krauser approached a distraught Ashley, asking her what was going on.

"Daddy figured out who resurrected Umbrella last night." She explained. "Blade wears sunglasses all the time and Daddy's hair has been grey for a while now. So...that's how he got to the conclusion."

The pretty boy sighed. "Ashley...your dad is retarded."

"I know."

"What the hell?" Wesker uttered, suddenly beside Leon. His unexpected presence nearly caused Leon to have a heart attack. Sergei joined the blond's side moments later.

"Blade and my father are being arrested because my father thought they brought back Umbrella." Ashley repeated to the two new arrivals.

"Oh, my God!" Wesker squealed before he ran over to Blade and the officers who were trying to shove him into the back of the police cruiser.

"I did nothing wrong! Get off of me!" Blade tried to shake them off, but it was futile. He finally took notice of Wesker and made a noise of relief. "Oh, Wesker, thank God. You have to tell them I have nothing to do with Umbrella!"

The blond's expression switched from concern to a much more devious mask. "But how do I know you're not? One of the suspects DOES wear sunglasses all the time, after all."

The younger agent appeared shocked. "Wesker...are you actually accusing me? You're a suspect, too! You wear your sunglasses all the time as well, and you even had direct connections to Umbrella in the past!"

Wesker shrugged. "I dunno what to say, Blade."

"But...I thought we were friends..."

"Sorry."

The cops finally managed to shove the gunman into the back of the car. Before they slammed the door shut, the black-haired man growled and shouted, "You bastard! I can't believe you would turn your back on-" He was stopped when the door shut and it looked as if he were on mute, for his lips were moving, but no sound was heard. Graham was pushed into the back of the same cruiser and moments later, it was off on its way to the station.

Sergei approached Wesker, looking rather disappointed. "Comrade, that was a little cruel, don't you think? Snubbing a friend like that."

In rebuttal, the sunglasses-wearer shrugged again. "Sergei, at this point we have to do what we have to do."

"PARTY!!!" Krauser suddenly shouted, his tone high-pitched. He grabbed at the collar of his shirt and ripped it down the middle, revealing his muscled glory. The rest of the agents simply stared at him before a roar of delight erupted from them and they ran amok on the lawn. Some returned inside to do whatever they pleased.

"This is serious!" Ashley screamed at them, but none of them paid any attention.

Krauser ran into the White House, flailing his arms and screaming in excitement about reading the President's diary and sitting in his office chair naked.

Ashley turned to Leon and grabbed his shirt, panic obvious on her features. "Leon, what are we gonna do?!"

The brunette was silent for a few moments before suggesting, "Go make nasty in his office?"

She growled viciously and left.

"I didn't mean while Krauser was there! Ash? Ash!"

* * *

Leon stumbled out of the Oval Office at around midnight in a drunken state, wearing nothing but a slightly torn lampshade around his waist for decency. He made his way to the President's chambers where he found Krauser slumbering on the bed, naked if one didn't count the open book - the President's diary - sprawled over his sacred area.

"Krauser? Hey, Krauser..." The conscious agent poked the sleeping one in the cheek, practically pressing his finger right through it.

With a groan, the commando opened his eyes, blinking a few times before he remembered where he was and what happened. "Oh, heeeeey, pretty boy. Where the hell have you been?"

"I was just making nasty in the President's office with Ashley for the past two hours." Leon grinned, going, "Tee hee..." due to his drunkenness.

"But that's impossible. She went to a night club with some of her girlfriends hours ago."

Leon's face twisted in shock and confusion. "If Ashley's been gone...then who...?" He shuddered. "Never mind, my brain doesn't wanna think about it. So, what have up been you to?"

"I've been reading Graham's diary. And earlier, I sat in his chair naked!"

"But wait...If you were naked in the chair...and I was naked in the chair...then that means...we were both naked in the chair!" He gasped, his drunken logic totally going over Krauser's head.

"...So?"

"So that's like us indirectly making nasty with each other!"

"Oh, my God!" In horror, Krauser fell off the bed, flailing his limbs. "Oh, God, I need a shower!"

"Me, too! Let's go get one together!"

"...Why?"

"Because!"

"...Because why, pretty boy?"

"...Because."

Krauser nodded. "That's brilliant!"

* * *

"Krauser?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this...uh...homersexual in nature?"

"Well, we're doing it, so it must not be gay."

"Okay, cool." Leon grabbed the loofah and scrubbed Krauser's back.

"Mmm, lower..." The commando adjusted his shower cap, obviously the President's as evident by the pineapple printing on it. "Lower...Lower..." His eyes bugged out. "Whoa, too low!...Lower."

* * *

It had been days, maybe even a week or two, since the arrest of Blade and President Graham and the White House was still in a disarray from the agents. Seeing as the cat was still away, the mice would still play. The festivities had died down some, like there were no more bonfires in the living room and no more looting from the game room. People quit spray painting on the walls and now they were actually starting to put the lid on the blender when they used it.

The place was still pretty damn messy when the news came.

"THE PRESIDENT'S COMING BACK!!!" Krauser shrieked in fear as he skid to a halt in the living room, wearing a pineapple-print bathrobe.

The agents were silent at first before they all joined in on a loud screech of terror. They had no clue what to do first, not to mention no clue on how much time they had before the President actually returned. Either way, they set to work, cleaning this and that, returning what was not theirs, restocking the fridge, etc.

Krauser ran by the Oval Office just as Leon emerged from it, looking rather proud of himself. The elder man did a U-turn and grabbed the brunette by the shoulders, panting.

"Krauser, guess what? I just made nasty in the Oval Office! And this time I'm sure it was Ashley!" Leon smiled brightly.

"Pretty boy, the President's coming back!" Krauser squealed. "And Ashley's been helping me clean up the living room!"

"Wait a second! If Ashley's been with you...then who...? Oh, God, don't tell Ash- OH, MY GOD, DID YOU JUST SAY THE PRESIDENT'S COMING BACK?!"

"Hell yeah, I did! He and Blade are coming back cuz there was no evidence to prove they did shit! Now come on!" He roughly pulled the pretty boy with him to help him clean up the kitchen.

* * *

"Must clean up mess...Must clean up mess!" Leon squeaked to himself as he entered the Oval Office, turning to shut the door. He and Krauser finished up with the kitchen must quicker than either of them had expected. Good thing Jaws was there to get up the scraps. It probably would've been a lot quicker, though, if Leon hadn't bet Krauser that he couldn't drink a glass smoothie - made with strawberries, bananas, and a little glass pineapple from the President's study - and have to take the idiot to a hospital afterwards.

Leon turned back around to start cleaning up the desk when he gave a small scream and almost had a heart attack when he discovered someone sitting there.

"Wesker? What are you doing here? Oh, God, don't tell me you're the one I made nasty with earlier!"

Wesker smirked. "Good afternoon, Leo- Wait, what did you say?"

"Um...nothing."

"I just got here." He laid his arms on the desk, clasping his hands together. "I was just getting used to the feel of sitting in the chair of a man who has so much power."

"I made nasty on that desk, you know."

Disgusted, Wesker slowly took his arms off the piece of furniture and dug through a drawer for a bottle of hand sanitizer, slathering it all over his arms when he found some.

"Anyways, what were you babbling about a second ago?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"...Obviously not since it's not obvious to me."

"Sergei and I were the ones who brought back Umbrella."

Leon shrieked girlishly and threw himself backwards against the door completely out of astonishment. "Holy crap, it was you?!"

"Duh! What did you think Sergei and I were collecting that high-tech stuff for back when you were living with me?"

"I don't know! A hobby? A tool of trade? A fetish?"

"...No."

"And you let your employer and your good friend go to jail just for this? I mean, come on. You've been begging Blade for ages to join the Sunglasses Club! You wouldn't care so much if he joined or not if he wasn't."

"Umbrella is a very important part of my life, Leon, in case you couldn't tell. Far more important than friendship. That comes after Umbrella."

"Wesker, you suck. You suck everything that can and can't be sucked. You suck everything that does and doesn't exist. You suck-"

"Alright! I got the idea."

"I can't even look at you. You make me SICK." The brunette turned abruptly, smacking his face into one of the doors, completely forgetting he had closed them. He threw it open and stormed out, giving Wesker a nasty glare before slamming the door shut.

* * *

"It's so good to be home!" Graham sobbed girlishly as he clung to Blade.

"Yes, sir, I know." He patted the President's back with one hand while he tried to push him off with the other. "Mr. President, I can't breathe..."

"I'm glad to be free, too, Blade!" The elder man sobbed harder, clinging to the younger one more tightly.

"Mr. President-"

"DADDY!!!" Ashley screeched as she flew out the front door and ran towards her father.

"ASHLEY!!!" Graham let go of Blade and pushed him away, causing him to land on his ass on the lawn. He ran to his daughter, both his and her arms wide open. Just as they were about to get close enough to embrace, Graham saw Leon and Krauser appear in the doorway, one of them holding a fresh pineapple wrapped in a metallic green ribbon. He gasped out of shock and pure joy before squealing, "PINEAPPLE!!!" and shoved his daughter out of the way, on her ass, and ran towards the waiting agents.

"Oh, God, he's heading right for us! What do we do?!" Krauser asked, panicking.

"Um...um..." Leon looked around as if trying to come up with an answer before his eyes landed on the pineapple Krauser held. "Throw it!"

"My hat?!"

"No, dumbass, the pineapple!"

"Oh, right!" The commando chucked the pineapple at the man in charge, accidentally beaning him right in the head with the tropical fruit. Graham dropped to the ground and was still, all except for an occasional leg spasm. "Oh, my God, I killed him!"

"You didn't kill him. He's fine."

"Ow..." Ashley whimpered, rubbing her sore posterior that she still sat upon. "That was mean!" She groused at her father despite his unconscious state.

"Need a hand, Miss Graham?" Blade asked, standing over the girl with his hand extended.

"Blade!" The blonde squealed. She sprung up and swiftly brought the orange-eyed agent in a tight hug. She'd managed to knock his sunglasses off his face from the force of her pulling him against her. "Thank you, God! Thank you for bringing back one of my sexy men!"

"Miss Graham, please try to control yourself!"

"Did everyone finish cleaning the-" Leon, who had been too busy talking to Krauser when Ashley hugged Blade, turned around and caught sight of the specticle. "Oh, my God, Blade's raping my woman!"

"Pretty boy, she's just hugging him! Geez, you're turning into Graham." Krauser sighed. "I'm losing you, man..."

The brunette whimpered. "Oh, God, I think you're right...This is all because I made nasty on his desk!"

The President had gained consciousness just in time to hear Leon and Krauser's short conversation and sat up, shrieking, "What?!" at the Kennedy man's last comment.

Deciding to play innocent, Leon went, "What?" back at the President.

"What?"

"What?!"

"Nothing, I guess!" Graham picked himself up off the ground and headed inside his home, followed shortly by the three agents and his daughter. As he made his way to the kitchen, he couldn't help but notice the place looked clean. VERY clean. "Aww...you guys cleaned up the place for me cuz you heard I was coming back!" He wrapped his arms around the shoulders of Leon and Krauser, smiling idiotically. "Oh, you boys. I gotta tell ya, I don't know what I'd do without you."

Leon raised a brow. "Then why do you always fire us?"

Graham paused before asking, "So, who wants pineapple slices?"

The intercom buzzed to life before Wesker's voice came on, saying, "Testing. Testing. Is this thing on?"

"I don't know, comrade." Sergei's voice spoke up. "Let me go see." The Oval Office door could be heard slamming shut in the background, indicating Sergei had left the room.

"Alright, can you hear me?"

The door was heard opening and Sergei, his voice sounding like it was coming from a farther distance, said, "Yes, comrade, it's working."

"Are you sure you could hear me over the intercom and not through the door?"

"Yes, I'm-"

"Go check. Leave again and go further this time."

"But, comrade-"

"Go, Sergei."

"Ugh, fine!" The door once again slammed. Half a minute later, Sergei appeared in the kitchen, crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his foot impatiently.

"Alright, testing. Can anyone hear me? Anyone? Anyone at all? Testing, one two three, can anybody hear me? If I shed the irony, would anybody cheer me? If I acted less like me, would I be in the clear?"

With a rough sigh, the ex-colonel left the kitchen and was soon after heard again on the intercom, saying to Wesker, "It works, now go on."

"Right, good." Wesker cleared his throat. "Greetings, Mr. President. I'm glad to see you came back."

"Thank you!" President Graham smiled.

Leon tapped the man on his shoulder. "Um...he can't hear you."

"THANK YOU!!!"

The four people in Graham's presence jumped back and rubbed their ears, groaning in pain.

"Mr. Prez, he REALLY can't hear you!" Leon growled as he dug a finger in his ear.

"Of course he can, Leon! Why would he address me if he couldn't hear me? Duh."

"Mr. President, I know the two people responsible for bringing back Umbrella." Wesker confessed.

"Really?! Who?!"

"You may be wondering who those two souls are. Well, I shall now tell you. Those two souls...are Sergei and myself."

Graham gasped. "So it really WASN'T me! Or Blade!"

"Now that you know, we must say farewell. Our ride is waiting for us on the roof."

The President pointed at the ceiling, dramatically commanding, "To the roof!" but when he looked around, he saw that the three agents and his daughter were no longer with him. Rather, they were already on their way to the roof. Jaws was there, though. "Oh, my God, they left without me!" He ran to catch up, followed by the infected wolf.

Graham finally caught up with the small group on the roof, where indeed there was a helicopter. An Umbrella helicopter, to be exact, the telltale logo printed on the side of it. It was already taking flight with Sergei hanging onto the ladder. Wesker was preparing to clamber onto the ladder as well.

"Wesker!" Blade shouted.

The blond turned to the black-haired man and said, "Sorry, Blade. You were a good friend and all, but we're on different sides of the law. It was fun and all, guys, but we're needed back where we belong."

Ashley turned to Leon and grabbed him by the shirt, violently shaking him. "Leon, stop them!"

"No problem!" Leon then smacked Krauser upside the head. "Krauser, stop them!"

"Krauser, don't listen to him!" Wesker barked. "Come with us. You belong to Umbrella, too. Think about it. People respected you there and here, you're the village idiot."

The commando's hand slid across his chin in thought. "Hmm..." His train of thought was broken when the President's daughter grabbed his shirt and gave him the same treatment she gave to Leon just a few moments ago, screaming at him, "But we're your friends!"

"And I'm your best friend!" Leon added. "And as your best friend, I say I will kill you if you go with them! I'll eat your beret and everything!"

"You'll be paid handsomely!" The blond with slicked hair reasoned. "You'll have so much money, your pockets will never be empty for the rest of your life!"

Smiling brightly, Krauser said, "Sure!" Moments later, the commando ran towards the ladder, jumping at it and scrambling up some so Wesker could grab on and he clung for dear life.

Wesker turned his attention to Blade and asked, "Blade, would you like to join us? I could get you up in the top ranks really quick since we're such good friends."

Blade glared at him. "Like you said, we're on different sides of the law."

"Are you mad about me not defending you before?"

"Considering you were letting me take the fall for you, yes. Quite."

Wesker shrugged. "Suit yourself." He held onto the ladder just as the helicopter began its ascent.

To the surprise of everyone, Jaws made a mad dash for the helicopter as it took off. He didn't understand what was going on, all he knew was that the loud, flying thing that looked yummy to eat was taking his friend away and he needed to stop it...and maybe eat it. He leapt off the edge of the roof to reach Krauser, but seeing as the helicopter was already way out of reach, he missed and fell to the ground with a loud yelp, followed shortly by a thud.

Ashley sighed. "That stupid Colmi-"

"KRAUSER!!!" Leon ran towards the edge as well, thinking that he could somehow make it because he had longer legs, and jumped. He only ended up falling and screaming, forcing a yelp out of the Colmillo on the ground when he landed right on top of him.

On the ground, Leon rolled off of Jaws, who lay still save for some twitching in his leg, and groaned. "Krauser...You asshole..." He stood up and shouted at the helicopter as it got smaller and smaller in the distance. "YOU OWE ME FIVE BUCKS!!!"

* * *

Omg...OMG...M:AI has an actual plot now?! Yes, it does, ladies and gentlemen! Well, I mean, it already does, but it's very generic.

The question here is will Krauser come back? Hell, will ANY of them come back? OMG, are the zombies going to return and all those other evil creatures of doom?! Find out somewhere between this chapter and the next twelve thousand chapters! :D


	34. At Umbrella

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 34: At Umbrella

* * *

"Oh, God..." Krauser groaned as he stumbled down one of the many halls after Sergei and Wesker, holding his queasy stomach. "I think I'm allergic to helicopters..."

"It's called being airsick, Krauser." Wesker said.

"If I were sick of the air, I'd be dead now cuz I need that shit to live!"

"No, it's- oh, never mind. Just keep following us."

As the trio walked, Wesker would explain to Krauser what everything was and specifically tell him not to touch anything. Krauser didn't get why he'd say that. It's not like he would break anything just by touching it.

"There's the coffee machine. Don't touch. There's one of our specimen. Don't touch. That's one of my many secretaries. Also, she is my mother. Don't touch."

"I want a secretary!" The commando whined.

"Well, good news for you, Krauser. You're going to BE a secretary."

"...Come again?"

* * *

The pen glided over the notebook paper swiftly as Graham hummed along to the merry little tune playing in his ears from his bulky headphones. He bobbed his head hard enough to throw them off; not that he noticed. He continued to bob his head, thinking the headphones were still on, as he did chicken scratch on the paper.

Leon invited himself into the Oval Office. He cocked his head to the side as he watched Graham having what he thought was a seizure when he was simply rocking out.

"Mr. Prez, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, boy!" The President replied, sounding chipper.

"Um...what are you doing?"

"Drawing!" He held up the paper so the agent could see his doodle; a stick figure with big, pointy ears fighting another stick figure with long, flowing hair. "It's Legolas fighting an elf." He smiled.

"Why is Legolas fighting an elf?"

"Because he touches himself at night."

"..." Leon decided to ignore the very weird and random answer.

"Hey, why isn't Krauser here?"

"...Mr. President, did you forget what happened just yesterday?"

"That depends. What part of yesterday are you talking about?"

"The part where Sergei and Wesker told us they were the ones who resurrected Umbrella and left with Krauser!"

"Hmm..." Graham tapped the end of his pen on his chin, leaving little black dots there. "Nope. Doesn't ring a bell."

"Grr..." The agent ran out of the office, screaming out of frustration and skepticism that the President had actually forgotten yesterday's events.

* * *

"Are you serious?! Why?! WHY?!" The commando looked down at his secretary attire, which consisted of his normal army boots and a very short leather skirt. Nothing more, nothing less. "You said I would have respect! Does THIS look dignifying to you?!"

"It's just a temporary spot." Wesker pointed at a picture on a large chart covered in photos of current Umbrella employees. "We're planning on eliminating this man. He's got a pretty high rank and there are no spots available for higher ranking Umbrella staff. Once he's gone, his spot is yours."

"And how long is that gonna take?!"

"Patience, Krauser." Sergei said from the desk - his desk - he sat at, feet propped on top and leaning far back in his chair. "Just wait."

"You'll be my direct secretary." Wesker continued. "I have a ton of secretaries, but only one is actually MY secretary. The rest are just secretaries of my secretary's secretaries. Does that make any sense to you?"

Krauser stared blankly into space, his eyes crossed and his tongue lolling out.

"...Okay, I'll take that as a maybe. Now, let me take you to your office." Wesker led the other blond to a nicely furnished room, complete with a mini table-top water fountain situated in the corner of the desk and some sort of odd stand next to the desk. The stand seemed to be made of brass and a little sheet was covering the top, where there was a peculiar oval-ish shape moving under the covers.

"What the hell is that?!" The commando asked, pointing.

"That brass stand is-"

"No! I meant the thing on the desk!"

"...The fountain?"

"Yes!" Krauser approached the desk, completely fascinated with the miniature water fountain.

"It's just a water fountain."

"But look at it! It's on the desk! And it's little!" The scarred man started observing the fountain from all angles. "Does that mean water shoots up from the desk?"

"No, Krauser, it-"

"Hello." A unsure, but adorable voice spoke from under the sheet. This voice made Krauser jump, sending him to the floor and shrieking like a little girl.

"It talked to me!" He yelled. "Oh, my God, the sheet is haunted!"

"No, stupid!" Wesker approached the brass stand and pulled the sheet off. There was a small grey bird underneath, the bird itself being covered by the sheet rather than being in a cage with the sheet over that. "This is Lollipop. He is an African Grey parrot. He's supposed to be some sort of helper bird. Treat him right and don't eat him."

"Hello." The small bird said again.

"Oh, my God!" Krauser shouted as he stood. "It's a chicken!"

"...Were you even LISTENING to me? He's not a-"

"Oh, hello, little grey chicken." Krauser cooed, scratching the bird on the head. Lollipop turned his head so the human could scratch him better. "Aren't you cute?"

"Yeah!" Lollipop squealed like a small child.

"Oh, my God, he's so freaking cute and epic! I had no idea chickens could talk..."

Wesker smacked his hand to his forehead and shook his head, sighing. "Just get to work, Krauser."

* * *

Leon gave the TV an exaggerated pout of sadness as he played _Alone In The Residence_ in two player mode. While he worked the first controller, the second one sat abandoned next to him, the character on the screen remaining still. Had Krauser not left with Wesker and Sergei, he would be controlling the second player character, helping Leon fight off the hordes of zombie upper class families who had members named Race and Sophia and Bob and other such names.

"Krauseeeeeeer..." The brunette whimpered, watching as the second player character got killed by a little girl zombie wearing clothes under the brand name Stupid Spoiled Whore.

Blade was also in the game room with Leon, but he didn't play with him. Instead, he just sat on the couch and sulked. Earlier, Leon had asked nicely - and, in a way, adorably - if he'd like to play with him, but the gunman just snarled at him in an almost animalistic fashion that made Leon scream like a little girl and curl up in the corner for about half an hour before he summoned the courage to crawl over to the TV and play some games on the Playstation 3.

That was three hours ago and neither man spoke to each other during that time. At least not until Leon asked the younger agent, "You wanna play now?"

Blade frowned a little, but thought for a moment and shrugged before getting up from the couch. "I'll play."

"Yay!"

The gunman took a seat next to the brunette. "Now, how do you play?"

Leon suddenly stood and slammed his controller into the ground, yelling, "This isn't working!" and stormed out of the room.

Blade, completely confused, watched him leave, wondering what the hell he'd just said to make the older agent leave the room fuming like a woman with the worst case of PMS ever.

* * *

Krauser giggled as he sent another IM. He should've been working on his secretary shit, but he found it more fun to IM a ton of his friends. Next to him, Lollipop appeared to be gnawing on a Blackberry phone, but in actuality he, too, was sending IMs, one of the recipients being Krauser.

The human made a sound of perplexity as he found one name on his buddies list that he didn't recognize; bitchinredbitchindeed. With a shrug, he sent a message to that person saying, _'hi who r u?'_

He got a reply back saying, _'u idiot its me ada.'_

_'like omg hi!!!!!! did u hear the newz?!?!'_

_'wat news?'_

_'umbrella's bak!!!! :D'_

_'o yea thats nice krauser'_

_'u dont care!!!!! :('_

_'no i dont'_

_'y?!?!?!'_

_'y wat?'_

_'o sry lil grey chicken i sent that 2 the wrong person'_ Krauser was in the middle of sending a message to Ada when someone slammed their hands down on his desk and he gave a surprised shout.

"Krauser, what are you and Pablo doing?!" Wesker growled, his voice encased in rage.

"We were just sending- Wait, who's Pablo?"

The blond wearing sunglasses pointed at the African Grey.

"Isn't his name Lollipop?"

"Of course it isn't! What kind of a dumb name is Lollipop? Now get back to work!"

Pablo sent a kiss Wesker's way, who responded by pointing at him and telling him to stop sucking up of he'd take away his company-provided Blackberry.

"You're bad!" Pablo squealed.

"Yes, I know that!" Wesker left, very much displeased. At least Krauser thought he was. People normally didn't slam doors so hard that they came off the hinges when they weren't displeased.

"You think he's mad?" The agent-gone-secretary inquired of the little bird.

"What?" The parrot replied.

* * *

The fading darkness was giving way to more and more sunlight as Leon arose from bed, wearing a pair of pineapple-printed pajama pants and nothing else.

"Ugh..." He groaned, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and rubbing his face. He looked down, his eyes bulging. "Why am I wearing the President's pants?!" Then he recalled that during the time Graham was in jail, he had spilled something on the pants and since someone was taking a ride in the washing machine at the moment, Leon brought them home to wash them. He must've forgotten to return the pants and slipped them on last night for bed.

Yawning, the brunette got up and trudged over to Krauser's room. "Krauser, get your fat, lazy ass up!" He kicked the door open, the sight of the empty room reminding him that his housemate was no longer his housemate.

The room was just as it was when Krauser had left; a complete mess with old, dirty dishes growing full of mold and fungus and an occasional rat crawling by with the bone from a chicken leg.

Not only did Leon not want to clean the room because he wanted to keep it the way Krauser had left it when he was last in there, but it also scared the crap out of him. He was afraid he might find a hobo or two in the mess, or get lost and never be heard from again.

He took his cue to exit when one of Krauser's berets walked by. Thinking it was haunted, he screamed girlishly and left, slamming the door behind him, when it was really just a rat underneath the beret.

* * *

Krauser tossed and turned in his sleep, weakly flailing his limbs and moaning, "Cobras...Cobras!" in a distressed fashion. Pablo was somehow able to sleep through his antics until the commando managed to kick the water fountain off his desk and it hit the floor with a loud noise, making the African Grey's head dart up in alarm. The noise also caused Krauser to awaken, frightening him and making him fall right off the desk.

"Ow! Damn it!" He growled, rubbing his head. "I want more sleep..." He grabbed the blanket up off the floor and climbed back onto the desk, curling up to keep any part of him from hanging off the edges. He'd just finished covering himself again and closed his eyes when Wesker came in.

He looked the commando over with a raised brow. "Krauser...were you here all night?"

"Well, no shit!" Krauser replied as if the answer were that obvious. "I have no place to live now, so I had to sleep here!"

The elder man nodded. "True, true. I actually slept in my office, too, but...I didn't sleep on the desk...Why are you sleeping on the desk?"

"Because there's nowhere else to sleep and I am NOT sleeping on the floor like a giraffe! Pablo didn't want to share his stand."

"Who the hell is Pablo?"

"Him!" Krauser pointed at the parrot, who was too busy texting someone on his Blackberry to give a damn about what the two men were talking about.

"Krauser, his name is Bob."

The secretary stared at his boss, his expression clearly saying he was stunned. He stuttered over his own words, asking why Wesker was now saying his name was Bob and not Pablo.

"I never said his name was Pablo." He snickered. "Pablo. What a stupid name. Now," He straightened himself up. "get to work. That's what you should've been doing three hours ago." With that said, he left.

* * *

Sergei smirked cunningly as he watched the scene from behind the protective window. Three Umbrella employees, hired as feeders for the experiments, cautiously advanced on the screaming creature in the corner, each of them holding very long sticks adorned with raw steaks speared at the ends.

The creature, a strange-looking fox with patches of exposed flesh on its body, snapped at one of the sticks, tearing off the steak and swinging its head around like it was trying to kill the meat.

The three feeders screamed and ran out of the room as fast as they could. The creature, however, had other plans for them and chased after them. Two got away, but one didn't. The creature had pounced on the one guy while the other two fled the room - locking all twenty locks on the door - and they flew past Sergei, both screaming and crying.

The Russian man grinned as he watched the fox thing corner the poor man, snarling and drooling all over the floor. He was given a major surprise when the fox thing leapt upon the man and started licking his face like a zealous dog who finally saw his owner again after a long day apart.

"...What?" Sergei's eye twitched from the total unexpectedness of what had just occurred. He grabbed the clipboard from beside the door and scanned over it carefully. He knew that creature had been injected with the H-Virus because he was there when the researcher had administered the shot and wondered what flaw could've been made while creating that virus. His jaw dropped when he saw that instead of being given the right H-Virus, the Hazardous-Virus, it was given the other H-Virus; the Happy-Virus.

Growling, he turned to storm away when he was greeted with Wesker's face incredibly close to his own and he screamed, falling backwards and smacking the back of his head against the door.

"Damn, Sergei, calm down." The blond looked down at his comrade, waiting for him to reply. He never moved, but his leg gave a small twitch every now and then. "Um...Sergei? Hello? Sergei?"

* * *

The cell phone resting on Krauser's desk suddenly buzzed and vibrated. Krauser eagerly picked it up, then frowned when he saw the person who had sent him a message was sunglasses4life; Wesker.

_'Call 991!'_ the message had said.

_'wats 991???'_ Krauser replied.

_'Im sorry. That was a typo. I meant 911.'_

_'y???'_

_'Sergei got hurt! He needs medical attention!'_

_'dont we hav doctors around here 4 that?'_

_'Something ate them! Call 911!'_

_'fine wats the # 2 911???'_

_'Forget it. Ill call them myself.'_

Krauser snorted. At least the big cheese was done harassing him so he could continue texting his friends and Bob while checking out his MyFace account.

* * *

"You wanted to see me, Mr. Prez?" Leon asked upon finding a hysterical Graham in the Oval Office.

"Leon! Oh, my God, it's terrible!" The President dry sobbed.

"What?"

"Krauser hasn't been to work in DAYS. Where could he be?!"

"..." The agent smacked his forehead. "Mr. President, don't you remember-"

"Daddy's been repressing a lot of bad memories lately." Ashley invited herself in, standing beside Leon. "Ever since...you know...everything bad that's ever happened to him has been forgotten."

Graham set his sights on his daughter and asked, "Who are you?"

"Oh, Daddy!" Ashley frowned, glaring at the man beside her when he starting chuckling. "It's not funny, Leon!"

"Both of you, get out of my office!" Graham opened a drawer and pulled out a pineapple, cuddling it close. "I need to be alone."

"No problem there, Daddy." The blonde led the agent out by the hand, ignoring her father when he shouted at her, "And stop calling me 'Daddy!' I'm not your father and I don't know who you are!"

* * *

A bright blush painted Krauser's face rosy as he walked down the hall to the copy room. He honestly hated all the stares he got from the employees as his leather skirt kept trying to ride up because so far, all the employees who ogled him were males. He grinned whenever a female employee would pass him by chance and give him a wink or something.

Bob followed Krauser down the hall, going as fast as his little bird feet could carry him. In his beak was the end of a little leather belt tied around a stack of papers that the human couldn't carry because his arms were already full of papers.

"Bob, this SUCKS." The commando sighed heavily.

"It's Jeremiah." An employee corrected him as he walked by.

"I was talking about the bird!"

"So was I."

Krauser stopped, an incredulous look on his face. He simply shook his head and began his journey to the copy room again. He turned a corner and shortly after heard a little voice go, "Help." Turning around, he found Jeremiah had gotten the stack of papers caught on the corner and he couldn't budge them.

"Oh, come on, Bo- Jeremiah. I can't help you. My arms are full enough as it is."

"Help." The little grey parrot repeated, tugging on the belt to get the papers to move.

"Fine!" Krauser went back around the corner and nudged the papers with his foot, dislodging them from the wall. He was rewarded with a cheery, "Good boy!" squealed at him from Jeremiah. "You're welcome, Jeremiah."

"Alex." A different Umbrella employee said as he passed Krauser and the parrot.

"My God, how many names do you have?!" The man looked down at the bird, who cocked his head to the side and asked him, "What?"

As the duo started down the hall again, Krauser wondered when exactly Wesker and Sergei were going to take care of that one higher ranking employee when, speak of the devil, said employee ran around the corner, ripping tape and plastic wrap from his face and screaming like a cowardly little boy. Wesker and Sergei turned the corner and ran by the commando next, tailing the employee. The blond was holding a box of plastic wrap in his hands while the heavily-accented Russian held a roll of tape.

The secretary smiled, knowing that his rightful position up top would soon be presented to him.

* * *

If anyone has read Taker-took-my-Toys' fanfic 'Wesker has a Way with,' then I'm sure you know where I got the idea for the leather skirt from. XD

Also, the idea for the African Grey parrot came from my African Grey named Hewie. I'm basing Lollipop/Pablo/Bob/Jeremiah/Alex's speech heavily on Hewie's because I didn't want him to sound like a stereotypical parrot. Ya know, "Brawk! Polly want a cracker! Polly want a cracker! Brawk!"

So, dear readers, please review and stay tuned for the next chapter, where Leon must go on a mission......BY HIMSELF. :O


	35. Going Solo

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 35: Going Solo

* * *

For the very first time in a very, very long, Leon had to go solo. It felt like forever since he'd been on a mission all by his lonesome. It was almost scary to him, the idea of being alone. No one to help him, no one to talk to. No one.

That wasn't the only part about the mission that freaked him out. It was the mission itself.

"Jaws was bit by a rabid squirrel and he ran away! Go find him!" Graham had told him from behind the bathroom door. "Oh, and I need more toilet paper! I had tacos for lunch!"

Scared, Leon had asked him if he was sure the squirrel was rabid. The answer he got was an extremely loud fart and the President shouted, "Yes!" in a pained groan.

And now here the pretty boy was, walking the streets with a long fishing pole, holding it before him and using waffles as bait. He didn't want to risk getting bitten by Jaws, so he made sure to purchase the longest fishing pole available and held it as far from his body as he could.

"Jaws!" He called. "Jaws, where are you?! Here Colmillo, Colmillo, Colmillo! Yoohoo!"

After a while, Leon sighed, thinking it was useless to keep looking. Jaws was probably in Mexico by now or maybe he got hit by a bus three times. Maybe he even hitched a ride to Las Vegas and became a stripper. If he did, Leon wouldn't bother to take him home since it sounded like he had a good gig going for him.

He turned a corner, letting out a high-pitched shriek when someone suddenly got up in his face and asked, "How are ya, strangah?!"

"Oh, my God!" The agent cried. "The merchant guy!" He tightly hugged the cloaked man, causing one of the many hidden weapons under the cloak to go off and send a bullet in the air, hitting a bird high up in the sky. The bird came crashing down into the windshield of a car just as the owner was getting out, making an intricate spider web of cracks in the glass.

"Sorry, strangah, that was my gun." The merchant chuckled sheepishly.

"Either that or you're just really happy to see me." The brunette released the merchant. "Man, it's been so long since I've seen you. I thought you died when the island exploded."

The merchant shook his head. "Oh, no, strangah. I swam away from the island LONG before it exploded. Ever since then, I've made it big here in the US. You've probably seen some of my ads on TV or somethin'."

"Nope. Never have."

"Ya haven't seen ANY ads for my services?"

Just then, a bus passed by in clear view of Leon. The bus had a huge advertisement on the side for the merchant's weaponry services with a picture of the merchant saying, _'What the hell ya buyin', strangah?!'_

"Nope." Leon shook his head. "Haven't seen any."

"Well, damn." The mysterious man eyed Leon's rod - his FISHING rod - with interest. "Nice rod." When he saw the agent's eyes bulge, he said, "Your fishin' rod, strangah."

"OH..." Leon laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I've got a bettah one, though."

"Really? Can I see your rod?...Your fishing rod?"

The merchant reached into his cloak and pulled out what had to be the longest fishing rod Leon had ever seen. It had to be at least twice his height in length.

"God damn!" The brunette exclaimed. "Your rod is HUGE!...Your fishing rod."

"Is that all, strangah?"

"Well, how much is it?"

"A thousand pesetas, strangah!"

"But...this is America...We don't use pesetas here."

"How about a trade, strangah?"

"Um..." Leon searched his pockets for something - anything - to trade for the fishing pole, but all he found was a quarter. "I'll trade you this quarter?"

"Deal!" The merchant snatched the quarter from the American and in turn, tossed his rod - the fishing rod - at him. "Hehe...Thank you."

"Oh, no. Thank YOU." Leon merrily attached a new waffle to the end of the longer fishing rod as he began walking away.

"Strangah!" The merchant cried. "You're about to hit your rod!"

"Huh?" The brunette turned to look at the merchant; a bad move. He ended up running right into the corner of a mailbox, hurting his sacred area. He leaned over the mailbox, groaning in pain.

The cloaked man cringed. "Ouch, strangah. Tried to warn ya."

* * *

Wesker had been contently watching a documentary of the world's greatest dictators on his computer when Sergei burst into his office, panting and clearly distressed.

"Comrade!" He cried. "Did you hear?!"

The blond paused the video. "Hear what, Sergei?"

"Spencer is dead!"

"He's been dead for a while, Sergei."

"A month is not THAT long. Do you know anything about it?"

"Hmm..."

_

* * *

_

Flashback...

_Wesker frowned under his gasmask as he stared out the window of the Spencer estate, listening to his charge cough and fart like the feeble old man he was. Honestly, why did HE have to be stuck with taking care of Spencer when he had the time to spare? The man needed to be put in a damn hospital. It was a miracle he was even still alive at this point. By God, the man looked like a pruney sack of skin that had been hit by a bus a couple times or something. Speaking of God..._

_"I was to become a God!" Spencer ranted after a horrible bout of coughing. "It was my dream...My dream to have everyone bow before me...My dream to control all life...My dream to have a rabid fanboy with jet black hair screaming, "KAMI!!!" whenever he saw me!"_

_"Yes, yes, I know, Spencer." Wesker sighed._

_"A whippersnapper like you would never understa-" The crippled old man suddenly let forth a loud toot, then asked, "Where am I right now?"_

_"I think it's about time for a nap..." The younger man slowly strode over to the much, much older one. A sinister air seemed to hover about him. "A PERMANENT nap..."_

_"Eh, but I'm not tired..."_

_Wesker stood behind the wheelchair, looking down the long flight of stairs sitting just in front of it. He smirked before thrusting his leg out and kicking the wheelchair down the stairs with a harsh grunt and loud, "YEAH!!!"_

_Spencer, wheelchair and all, fell down the stairs, screaming what sounded like, "Eh ai EEEEEEEE oomph ugh uh!" before a loud fart was emitted from his derriere as he and the wheelchair crashed on the landing. "My hip..." He called weakly._

_"Damn." Wesker frowned, but then smiled when he realized he could keep doing it. There were more stairs after the landing, and more stairs after that. He could keep kicking him down the rest of the twenty eight flights of stairs and surely by then the old coot would be dead._

_So, with a huge grin on his face and a hope in his heart of becoming a God, he went down the stairs to kick Spencer down the next flight._

_End of flashback..._

* * *

"Wesker? _Wesker?_" Sergei waved his hand before his comrade's face, but the dopey, nostalgic smile he wore did not leave, nor did the blank but dreamy look in his eyes that was hidden from the Russian man due to his sunglasses.

Wesker finally snapped out of it and went, "Huh? What?"

"I asked if you knew anything about Spencer's death and then you looked all...dreamy. Like you had...'jazzed' in your pants."

"Oh, sorry. And it's 'jizzed.'" The sunglasses-wearer cleared his throat, tugging at the neck of his shirt uncomfortably. "No, sorry, I know nothing of it."

The silver-haired man turned to leave just as Wesker had heard a sound. He thought he was hearing things, but after a few moments he heard it again. Whimpering. It was whimpering.

"Sergei...are you whimpering?"

"I...well..." The former colonel swiftly ran from the room, screaming, "KAMI!!! WHY?!"

Wesker sighed. "Now if he had dyed his hair black, Spencer's dream would've come true..."

* * *

"Jaaaaaaaaws." Leon moaned weakly. He turned another corner and once again found the merchant halfway down the sidewalk. "Oh, my God...Oh, God...I've been going around in circles!"

"No, ya haven't, strangah!" The merchant stated joyously. "What're ya buyin'?"

"I don't wanna buy any-"

"What're ya sellin'?"

"Not this shit again! Ugh!" The brunette did a 180 and went back around the corner from which he came, only to discover the merchant was there, halfway down the sidewalk.

"Hi, strangah!" The merchant waved.

"Huh?" Leon turned again and went back around the corner, finding the merchant there.

"Hey, strangah!"

Baffled, Leon stood at the corner and looked down one street where the merchant was, then looked down the other one to see if he was there was well. He was.

"Hi, strangah! What're ya buyin'?!"

At this point, the Kennedy man was confused beyond belief. He did what any other sane, rational person would do in such a situation and threw down the fishing pole before taking off in a random direction, screaming like a maniac.

* * *

Loud, bitter sobs escaped the President's throat as he looked over a picture of Jaws where the Colmillo was preparing to attack whomever took the picture. It was Graham's favorite because he could easily see the love in Jaws' eyes...even though nobody else could.

Ashley watched her father quietly from the doorway, her presence unknown to him. She exhaled heavily, hoping Leon would be able to find Jaws and wishing her father would quit with his stupid memory repression. It made her feel like complete crap because the only things he was repressing were bad things, thus coming to the conclusion he thought of her as a bad thing.

Blade passed by the office, stopping and returning when he noticed Ashley standing there.

"Is he doing any better?" He asked before taking a glimpse at the President. "Never mind. I can see he's not. Then again, he's always like that, isn't he?"

"I want him to remember me!" Ashley whined, pouting.

"I know, I know."

The girl gasped as an idea struck her. "Blade, I have an idea!"

"What is it?"

She stood on her tip toes to whisper in his ear and when she pulled away, he gave her a peculiar stare before asking her if she was sure.

"Yup." She smiled. "Go ahead, Blade."

"Perhaps you should wait for Leon to return? You know how the President always gets so worked up when he-"

"Just do it!" Ashley whispered harshly.

"Very well." The gunman nodded, gently grabbing Ashley and pulling her to him, clearing his throat to get Graham's attention. When he was sure he was the total focus of the President's concentration, he leaned down and pressed his lips to Ashley's.

Grinning wickedly, Ashley threw her arms around the taller man's neck and pulled him in close, smashing her lips against his in what could only be described as gluttonous passion. While she moaned loudly into the kiss, Blade flailed his arms for balance because from the force of her pulling him by the neck, he nearly toppled over on top of her.

"Oh. My. GOD." The President gasped, his sadness over Jaws momentarily forgotten. He arose from his chair hastily and pointed at the two, shouting in a high-pitched voice, "YOU'RE RAPING MY DAUGHTER!!!"

"Yes!" Ashley cheered as she pulled away from Blade. With her being his only means of remaining upright, he fell over with a loud thud and grunt.

"Ashley, why the hell are you happy?!"

"Because you remember who I am!"

"Well, duh, of course I remember you. How could I forget my own daughter?"

"But you did!" The blonde approached the desk, giving her father the saddest and biggest of puppy dog eyes. "You completely forgot I was your daughter. Ever since Wesker, Sergei, and Krauser left, you completely forgot about all the bad things, so that means you think I'm a bad thing, too..."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous! I've been suffering a lot of head trauma lately and it's been screwing with my mind." As if to prove his point, a package broke through the window and slammed right into the back of Graham's head, knocking him out cold over the desk.

"Head trauma? That's all? So...I'm not bad?"

"No..." The black-haired agent groaned from the floor. "Not completely..."

"Yay!" The blonde squealed as she skipped and pranced out of the office, stepping on Blade's hand in the process.

* * *

A few hours went by after Leon's total brain rape with the merchant. He took that time to calm himself down by sitting in a dumpster and going over his game plan by drawing blueprints of the city and all the locations Jaws could possibly be at with a stick and some dumpster sludge.

He checked every single location, but Jaws was not found at any one of them. As a last resort, he headed to the woods in the outskirts of the city by jacking someone's car.

Leon had just turned on the radio when a voice beside him told him, "Change the station, strangah." The agent almost crashed the stolen vehicle and had a heart attack when he looked beside him to see who it was. It was simply the merchant, who waved at him and gave a friendly, "Hello, strangah."

"How the hell did you get in here?!" The brunette asked, shaken.

"Uh...yeah..." was the only answer the merchant would provide the agent with.

"You're stalking me! Stop it!"

"Why?"

"Cuz it's rude!"

"Well, don't ya think it's easier havin' ME come find YA when ya want somethin' instead of YA comin' to find ME?"

Leon took it into consideration. Yes, things did seem easier that way. A LOT easier that way. Nodding, he said, "Alright, you can stalk me."

"Hehe...anytime. So, strangah, what are we doin' in the woods?"

"I...don't remember."

And since he didn't remember, Leon drove them both to the nearest Burger King tog et something to eat. While they ate in the parking lot, the agent explained to the merchant in detail about his whole mission despire saying he didn't remember what he was doing out in the woods earlier.

"Is that why you were in the woods?"

"Hmm..." Leon paused to think. "Oh, my God, you're right!" Without warning, he stepped on the gas pedal. The sudden motion of the vehicle caused the merchant to spill his drink all over him and shove his straw up his nose, giving him a bad nosebleed. They took a quick detour to the ladies rom to get him a tampon for his nose before they were on their way again, speeding through every red light possible.

"Brace yourself!" The American cautioned out of the blue.

"Huh?"

But it was too late. Leon hit the brake hard, making the car screech to a halt. The merchant was sent through the windshield, landing on the ground with a thud and a death garble.

"Uh...merchant?" Leon peered through the windshield at the merchant's unmoving body. "Are you okay?"

The cloaked figure on the ground gave no reply. Not even a leg twitch.

"Oh, dear...He's dead." But the agent quickly shrugged it off and got out of the car, shouting the name of the President's beloved companion.

* * *

Night was settling in when the Colmillo came to the conclusion that he was really lost. Hours ago, he began going through the five stages of grief, and he was already at number four: depression.

He sat in the woods, all alone, whimpering and crying like a little puppy who just had his favorite toy taken away while he was playing with it. He wept bitterly to the moon like it would give an ear to listen.

Where did he go wrong? How the hell did he end up like this? He was simply chasing a squirrel that morning that was getting whipped cream out of the garbage can. That was HIS whipped cream and he made damn sure that stupid squirrel would get the idea after a little chase, but the squirrel bravely - or foolishly - attacked him and bit him.

Stupid squirrel. Stupid forest. Stupid darkness. Jaws just wanted to bite someone in the face.

"Jaws!" The cry came from afar, but the infected wolf was sure he had heard it. "Jaws!"

Jaws' ears perked up and he turned his head in the direction of the noise. A light was coming towards him from the distance and he had no idea whether to run away like a chicken or attack it. The voice calling him did sound familiar, though...

* * *

Leon inhaled and exhaled deeply, holding one hand to his chest while the other held a flashlight.

Just earlier, he had been wandering through the woods when he walked around a rather big tree and found the merchant standing there. It had scared the absolute crap out of him, seeing as he had just KILLED the merchant only a short time ago.

"What the hell?! I just KILLED you!" The brunette had shouted, thinking he was starting to go crazy. "Like, oh, my God! What the freak?! What the FREAK?! Holy freaking Funkenstein! Freak! Ugh!"

To make up for scaring the poor man shitless, the merchant gave him a flashlight on the house.

Currently the two were scanning the forest for the President's big-mouthed canine. In between intervals of Leon calling for the Colmillo, the merchant struck up friendly conversation with him, like asking what he's been doing since Spain and how things are and whatnot.

"My life totally sucks, merchant dude." Leon said, drab. "My best friend and a few of my other friends left me for an evil organization plotting on world domination like some sort of cliché, my employer keeps thinking I'm raping his daughter when I simply LOOK at her when another guy could slap her ass and everything would be A-okay, I constantly get fired, I made nasty TWICE with someone or some people who I thought were someone else, I killed you not too long ago, and I JUST stepped in shit. Ugh." He wiped his shoe off with the end of the merchant's cloak discreetly.

"Damn, strangah, your life does suck."

"That's not even the worst of it!" The American sighed. "Oh well. It could be worse. I mean, I could've been you not too long ago."

"Aye, ya could've, strangah."

"Or now, since I just wiped shit on your clothes."

"Aye, ya- WHAT?!"

"Nothing."

A sharp noise - a howl - carried on the wind; a howl Leon knew well.

"Oh, my God!" He shrieked. "It's Jaws!...Or it could be that ex-Krauslovahkian subject who keeps coming around every once in a while!"

The men ran towards the source of the noise and much to their glee, they found a sad, distraught Jaws.

"Holy crap, Jaws!" Leon kneeled down and held a hand out to him when the wolf set his golden eyes on him. "Come here, boy..."

"Uh...strangah? Didn't ya say he had rabies...?"

Leon froze. He'd almost forgotten about the whole rabies thing, at least until he noticed the foam around Laws' mouth. A whimper left his lips as he wondered what he should do. Should he shoot Jaws or should he get the merchant to shoot Jaws? It was just too big of a decision for the pretty boy to make and he ducked behind the merchant, telling him to figure out what to do.

The two of them started arguing about what they would do and who should do what. The only thing that stopped them was Jaws pouncing on top of Leon and...licking his face.

"Ew! Jaws, gross! You're getting whipped cream in my mouth! Wait, huh?" Leon stopped to think for a minute. If the foam tasted like whipped cream, then that meant...it was whipped cream. And that meant...Jaws didn't have rabies. Which meant... "Yay! I don't have to kill you and get fired!" He hugged the Colmillo around the neck.

* * *

After driving Jaws back to the White House - the merchant had mysteriously disappeared, which seemed fitting due to his mysterious nature - the whole place was full of sobbing and crying from the President and his canine companion upon being reunited.

Graham was so happy that not only did he give the agent a raise, but also a pineapple to thank him for bringing Jaws home safe and sound and for reporting that he did not have rabies.

Leon was just glad to be back. It was complete and utter hell, the whole mission. Had Krauser still been around, the mission probably would've taken a week to accomplish, but at least he would've have a shit load of fun doing it.

Staring at the night sky as he prepared to drive home, the brunette wondered just what Krauser was up to at that moment.

* * *

Sharp blue eyes inspected the cards in his hands carefully. One mistake and it would cost him the whole, entire game. All he needed was a three...

"Do you have any threes?" Krauser asked.

"You're bad!" Alex squealed.

Correctly translating that as, "Go fish," Krauser jumped up and threw his cards to the ground. "You asshole! You ALWAYS win at this game! Ugh!"

* * *

Wow...I started the last chapter yesterday and finished it today, then I started this chapter AND finished it on the same day! I am freaking good! :D


	36. Wesker's Ultimate Suffering

****

Mission: Almost Impossible

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 36: Wesker's Ultimate Suffering

* * *

Krauser squealed girlishly as he looked around his new office, previously belonging to the Umbrella employee who was taking Krauser's rightful place near the top of the corporate ladder. No longer would he have to wear that demeaning short leather skirt that always seemed to ride up on him at the wrong times, like when he was bending over to tie his shoes in the glass elevator used only by the top-ranking Umbrella employees and their secretaries and personal assistants.

As requested, Alex was Krauser's direct secretary because, to Krauser, he was just flat out epic. Who wouldn't want a cool parrot who was good at go fish to be their secretary? The parrot, luckily, was spared the pain of having to wear one of the customary tight leather miniskirts, mostly because he was a bird and they had no idea how a miniskirt would fit on a bird, so he got to run around nude like he always did.

"Alex, this is awesome!" The commando called out to the African Grey situated outside his office door on a special perch made with a little desk and an even smaller miniature water fountain to sit on top of it.

"Tomahawk!" A different voice replied, informing Krauser of his error.

The ex-agent held his head in his heads, his eyes bulging. "Oh, my God! Are these people trying to mess with me?! That chicken HAS to have just ONE name!"

Tomahawk waddled in, wearing glasses on a chain around his neck and dragging some papers held in his beak.

"Hey, Ale- Tomahawk. Whatcha got there?"

The little grey parrot placed the papers on the floor and grabbed the glasses with a scaly-looking foot, placing them upon the bridge of his beak. He started looking over the papers before he simply said, "Abu." and took the glasses off.

Krauser's jaw dropped. "I'm...I'M GETTING A SODA MACHINE IN HERE?!"

"Abu." Tomahawk repeated.

"Yes!" The human started jumping up and down, then picked up Tomahawk and started jumping around his him clinging to his hand. "Oh, don't worry, little grey chicken! I'm gonna get you a soda machine, too!"

"Good boy!"

Sergei entered the office rather excitedly. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when he saw Krauser bouncing around like an idiot with Tomahawk. Krauser finally stopped when he noticed Sergei standing there and chuckled sheepishly.

"Krauser, you have to come see this." Sergei motioned with his arm. "Wesker got a new chair that spins when you press a button."

Krauser gasped. "Really?! Oh, come on, Tomahawk, let's go!" He ran out of his office, pushing Sergei down as he passed.

"It's Legolas!" The Russian corrected him before swearing. He got up with a groan, rubbing his sore posterior, which landed upon a random object.

* * *

It was beautiful. Simply beautiful.

Sitting before Wesker at the top of eight steps was his new chair. It was all but begging him to saunter up the steps, plop down on it, and play around with the spinning feature for hours and hours. One thing that bothered him, though, was that due to the height the chair was elevated at and the steps, he couldn't reach his desk. He'd get that fixed later, though. Right now, he needed to spin.

Krauser and Legolas arrived at the office, shortly followed by Sergei. The commando also appeared awestruck by the chair, his eyes holding a dreamy look.

"Don't touch!" Wesker snarled at him, as if reading Krauser's mind. "None of you! No one touch my chair until I've played with it and/or broke it! Is that clear?"

Legolas squealed, "Yeah!" while Sergei nodded, though Krauser shook his head no. Oddly, even though he was shaking his head, he said, "Yes."

Wesker raised a brow at Krauser, but shrugged it off. Biting his lip in excitement, he bounded up the steps and hopped into the chair. "Oh, dear God, I think I'm going to jizz in my pants..." He rubbed his hands together, grinning wide, then prepared to press one of the buttons that would make the chair turn. Smirking mischievously, he pressed the button, expecting for the chair to slowly spin around.

Boy, was he wrong.

He shrieked as the chair began to spin at fifty mph, clinging to the arms of the chair for dear life and screaming, "HELP!!!"

Nervously, Sergei pressed random buttons on the remote he held that operated the chair, but all he ended up doing was increasing the chair's speed to eighty mph.

An evil thought entered Krauser's mind. If he jumped on the chair and pretended he was trying to save Wesker, he could get a free ride. Yes, it was perfect. He placed Legolas on Sergei's shoulder and shouted, "I'LL SAVE YOU, WESKER!!!" as he ran up the steps and leapt onto the chair. He screamed girlishly and clung hard to the chair's back while one leg was draped over one of the arms. His other leg was left dangling.

"GOD DAMN IT, I'M GONNA THROW UP!!!" Wesker groaned.

"Oh, this isn't good..." Sergei frowned, trying to think of what to do. Legolas, on the other hand, laughed.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" The commando barked at him before he went back to screaming like a small girl.

"SERGEI, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!"

"I'm trying!" Sergei grumbled as he tried pressing more buttons on the remote. The chair did not stop, nor did it slow down or even speed up. It just kept spinning at the same speed. Out of frustration and hoping to stop the chair, he hurled the small remote at the spinning death trap. Rather than stopping the chair, he ended up smacking Krauser square in the face with the remote. Shrieking girlishly with pain, Krauser lost his grip and was flung into the wall. He remained there for a few seconds before he fell into a heap on the floor, revealing an imprint of his whole body in the steel wall.

"Bunny." Legolas cooed over at the fallen man.

Krauser staggered to his feet, wobbling. "I...I'm fine, lady..." He croaked.

The Russian sighed as he placed the little grey parrot on the floor. "It looks like I'll have to take care of this..." Like Krauser, he leapt onto the chair and also like Krauser, he clung to the chair for dear life and screamed like a frightened little girl as it spun out of control.

"Oh, thank GOD, Sergei! You came to save me!" Wesker wanted to sob, for he thought Sergei was actually going to succeed. He did begin to sob, but out of sadness, because Sergei had lost his grip and was flung out the window, sending a hail of glass shards everywhere as he plummeted - screaming - from the twenty-fourth story window.

"You're bad!" Legolas squealed.

"Oh, my God, the Nazi fell out the window!" The commando grabbed Legolas as ran out the door. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM, LITTLE GREY CHICKEN!!!"

"You're bad!" The bird squealed once more.

* * *

By the afternoon, Krauser and Legolas returned from the hospital with an injured Sergei. Even though he'd fallen from quite a distance, he had only suffered a few scrapes and a broken ankle, which was protectively cocooned in a cast. He was, at first, having a hard time with the crutches he was given, though he quickly got used to them. Krauser didn't make it very easy, for he kept stealing the crutches from the Russian and taunting him from afar because he couldn't chase him. At one point, Sergei got his revenge by smacking Krauser upside the head with one of the crutches.

"Krauser, I am going to kill you later..." Sergei seethed as he entered Wesker's office, gripping his crutches tightly. He gave a startled shout as one of the crutches slipped on a sheet of paper - throw from the desk due to the slight breeze the chair was making from its spinning motion - laying on the floor and he fell flat on his face, to which Krauser and Legolas laughed at. "Why me? Why...?"

"Oh, don't be such a drama bitch, Soviet Union." Krauser helped the fallen man up, grabbing his crutches for him. He turned his attention to the chair, where Wesker still sat helplessly, releasing high-pitched screams of fear. "Hey, Wesker, did you manage to get the chair to stop while we were gone?"

"Does it LOOK like I got the chair to stop?!" The sunglasses-wearer shouted, glaring even though Krauser couldn't tell from the chair turning too quickly.

"...I dunno."

"Just get me out of this thing!"

"Right! Uh..." Krauser turned to the Russian and the parrot. "Guys, how the hell do we get the chair to stop?" The responses he got was a shrug from Sergei and a, "What?" from Legolas. "Well, you guys are a lot of freaking help!"

Sergei snapped his fingers. "Wait, I've got it! It's an old Russian tradition."

"Nice thinking, Sergei!" Krauser grumbled sarcastically, throwing his arms up. "Using a tradition from an island that doesn't exist anymore!"

Sergei paused, staring at Krauser unbelievably. Sighing, he said, "Later, I'll explain to you all the things that are wrong with that statement. Now, are you in or not?"

"Fine, I guess I am."

* * *

"You're INSANE." Krauser commented as he set up the bonfire in Wesker's office. "Explain to me again what we're doing because I think I lost you at, 'Well, we're gonna-'"

"We're chanting from the heart so the spirits will help us." Sergei sorted through the number of CDs on Wesker's desk next to the boom box with Legolas. To be more specific, Sergei sorted while Legolas gnawed on one. The human opened one of the cases and popped the CD inside the music-player. He pressed the 'play' button and soft tribal music began to play. "We chant whatever comes from our hearts and dance around the bonfire. I can't really do this, though, because I'm on crutches, and I'm not sure about Benny, but you, Krauser, I know can do this."

"Who the hell is- Oh, right, the little grey chicken." The commando chuckled as he set his hand out, urging Benny to come over. When he did, Krauser carefully placed him by the bonfire. "Let's do this!"

Sergei sat on the desk, holding his crutches on his lap. He looked almost excited, though Wesker was another story. The aforementioned blond groaned and slammed him forehead against the back of the chair for he had shifted postions every now and then, mentally asking himself how and why he ended up with such retarded co-workers.

Krauser began to dance, acting somewhat self-conscious and uncomfortable about it. He had no idea what to chant, so he began to quietly recite the alphabet.

"Louder!" The Russian grumbled. "And from the heart! Nobody chants the alphabet from the heart!"

"Fine!" Letting out a loud sigh, Krauser once more went into chanting, though slightly louder this time. "To the window, to the window...To the wall, to the wall...to the sweat drippin' down my balls...All you bitches-"

"To the UNIVERSE!"

And then Krauser bellowed out loud, "To the window, to the window! To the wall, to the wall! To the sweat drippin' down my balls! All you bitches crawl!"

The ex-colonel watched in horror as the scarred commando began to jump and dance around enthusiastically, shaking his ass and swinging his arms every which way. Benny also seemed surprised, for his eyes got big - pupils contracted - and he backed away with his head down. Wesker, had anyone been able to see, looked the most shocked. His jaw hung open and in his mind, he uttered, _'What the hell? WHAT THE HELL?! What sort of person chants about balls from their heart?!'_

"Ah, skeet skeet, my balls! Ah, skeet skeet, bam!" Krauser slapped his hands together. "To the window! To the wall, to the wall!"

"Oh, my God, are you insane?!" Wesker cried. "Heart, balls, what?!"

"Quiet, comrade!" Sergei growled. "Lets him...erm...do his thing from the heart or else this won't work!"

"Oh, fine! But I swear, if any heart-testicle spirits come to save me from this chair, I will NOT be a happy camper..."

"Keep it up, Krauser! Just twelve more hours!"

The chanting and dancing came to an abrupt halt as Krauser stared wide-eyed at the elder Umbrella executive with his jaw hanging. "Como say WHAT? Twelve hours? Are you freaking kidding me?!"

"Come on, Krauser, do it for comrade Wesker."

"I wouldn't do shit like this for twelve hours even if I was getting paid!"

"Do it or you're fired!" Wesker growled. "And hurry!"

* * *

The stopwatch in Sergei's hand buzzed, indicating the worst twelve hours of Krauser's life were officially over. The commando was ecstatic even though one couldn't tell because of how tired he was. The very second the stopwatch went off, he collapsed on the floor, groaning slurred nonsense.

The noise of the watch disturbed Benny while he was sleeping, his feathers puffed out and his face buried in his fluffed back. He blinked open a bleary eye before taking his beak out of his back feathers and yawning, then he scratched his head and said, "You're bad," in a sleepy voice.

"Sorry, Nathan." Sergei scratched the parrot behind the head apologetically.

"Where are the spirits?!" The blond trapped in the chair all but sobbed. It was incredibly late, he was tired, he was nauseous, and he just wanted to sleep and throw up, but not necessarily in that order or simultaneously. "Why aren't they helping me?!"

Sergei chuckled sheepishly. "Well...I just remembered this is what you do when someone is gravely ill, not to help them get out of a sticky predicament."

"I'm going to be gravely ill very soon if you don't figure out how to fix this!" Wesker groaned, sounding sick. "And all three of you will be in a sticky predicament because of it!"

"Okay, okay! Sheesh." Krauser frowned before adding, "Wesker, you're gross."

"None of you are leaving until you figure out how to stop this thing!"

"Well, fine by me!" Spitefully, Krauser plopped himself down on the floor, shortly followed by Nathan and Sergei. "Alright, you two, let's figure this out."

* * *

Five days later, the trio were still sitting on the floor, trying to figure out how the hell they could get the chair to stop. Sure, they had already tried a few ideas, but none of them worked. Their last idea - throwing stuff at the chair - should've worked, but instead Wesker got pissed at them and yelled at them to stop because they kept hitting him in the face by mistake.

At this point, Wesker was at his breaking point. He wanted to let go; he NEEDED to let go. He didn't care how hard he hit the wall. He just wanted to stop spinning.

Krauser gasped, his eyes alit as an idea stormed in his head. "I've got it! We-" He was interrupted by a shriek from the chair.

The commando and his two comrades looked towards the chair, where they caught sight of the black-clad blond being launched from it and bursting out the newly-repaired window with a million shards of glass flying in his wake. They watched, shocked, before Krauser ran out the door to see if Wesker was still alive and Sergei ambled over to the window with Nathan on his shoulder to see what happened.

The Russian looked completed disgusted as he saw the ground below was sprayed with a heavy coating of a thick grayish liquid as if someone took a hose full of the stuff and sprayed it rather than an actual person lost their lunch.

"You're bad!" Nathan squealed.

"Wesker, are you al-" Krauser stopped when he got outside and let out a loud, "EW!!! Oh, my God, look at what you did all over the ground! Oh, God, it looks like someone hosed down the ground with puke or something! What the hell is wrong with you?! Answer me! Oh, don't tell me you're dead."

* * *

Wesker survived the fall, miraculously without a scratch. Sergei, being incredibly jealous of this, smacked the blond with one of his crutches and knocked him down a flight of stairs, thus causing him to break his leg and he required a wheelchair. The bad part about it was some parts of the facility weren't wheelchair accessible, including the route to his office, therefore he needed Krauser to carry him and someone else to bring his wheelchair in.

"DEAR GOD!!!" The sunglasses-wearer shouted painfully as Krauser literally dragged him by his good leg into the office, accidentally bumping the bad leg on the doorframe.

Krauser, thinking Wesker was referring to the new lack of spinning chair in the office, replied, "Yeah, I know. I miss that chair, too."

The man who was getting Wesker's wheelchair entered shortly, though he ended up tripping over his untied shoelaces and flung the wheelchair in Wesker's direction, making it hit his bad leg full on. Wesker let out a loud shout before thinking to himself, _'I hate spinning chairs now..' _while he quietly dry sobbed.

"Oh, shit, sorry!" The guy cried, his gasmask muffling his words.

"Don't bother apologizing, DUNK. He's not listening." Krauser said. "Thanks for bringing up the wheelchair."

"It's HUNK, and you're welcome. I have to go now. You know, do my mercenaries thing." He left, once again apologizing to Wesker on his way out.

As he dry sobbed, Krauser helped him over to the desk, dragging him by his cast. As he did that, Wesker made a mental note to slaughter all of his co-workers, starting with Krauser, and bring in new people to work for Umbrella.

* * *

I wanted to post this just in time for Taker-Took-my-Toys' birthday! Happy birthday, Triple T! I added in HUNK at the last minute just for her. :D

Oh, and as you can tell, I have seen that movie The Proposal. It is AWESOME. :D


	37. Umbrella's End Part I

**Mission: Almost Impossible**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for the story. Everything else is owned by Capcom. Oh, wait a minute. I own Blade Stryker. Oh! And I keep forgetting to mention I also own Jaws! Silly me. Oh, and Daredevil, too.

Summary: Leon and Krauser are the best agents President Graham has had in years, but he sends them on missions even I could do.

* * *

Chapter 37: Umbrella's End Part I

* * *

Wesker's lips were curled into a feline-like smile as he sat in his lavishly-decorated bathtub. The whole bathroom was a new addition to his office at Umbrella. Seeing as his office was located in a corner, the bathroom was literally added onto the side of the building with no means to support the large room from underneath. Most saw it as a safety hazard, but Wesker merely brushed them off. They were just jealous he had the most kick-ass bathroom ever in his office, after all. Since when was safety ever a concern, anyways?

With a pink shower cap on his head and a little rubber ducky floating amongst the bubbles, Wesker felt like a king in his tub. A god, even. That was his problem, that god complex that seemed to bubble up from nowhere one day. He was always blathering about how he was destined to be a god and rule all of humanity and other things that Sergei and Krauser tuned out. Other times, they would smack him in the back of the head with something hard until he fell to the floor and stopped moving. It was a quick fix and rather painful on Wesker's end, but at least they were free of that god talk for a few hours.

The door was suddenly slammed open and Wesker responded automatically with a shout and his hands rose to his chest, covering his nipples as though his man chest would offend.

Krauser entered, waddled quickly over to the toilet before unzipping his fly and began to relieve himself.

"Krauser!" Wesker growled. "Can't you see I'm taking a BATH?"

Krauser glanced at him and shrugged. "I don't mind."

"This is MY bathroom. You aren't allowed to be in MY bathroom, especially while I'M in here. Don't you have any decency!"

"Hey, you're the one naked here, not me." Krauser finished and began washing his hands. "You need to learn how to share, Wesker. I knew a guy once who never shared with anyone in his life and one day, he got hit by a car and died."

The elder blond frowned. "What does getting hit with a car have to do with sharing?"

"Uh…I dunno, but the point is he died and if you don't share, you'll die, too!"

Wesker scoffed. "That's ridiculous. I'll never die. Not eve-" The water on the other end of the large tub shifted and sloshed like something was moving underneath it. Wesker watched it with a peaked brow, wondering what was going on when something suddenly emerged from the water. Wesker drew back until his back was pressed against the side of the tub, shocked, and Krauser shrieked like a girl.

It was Sergei, fully clothed and holding something in a plastic lunch bag to keep it from getting wet.

"How the HELL did you get in here?" Wesker exclaimed, looking around at the tub, mind utterly blown. "How is this possible!"

"Comrade!" Sergei cried, ignoring Wesker's inquiries. "You have to see this!" He held the baggy out to Wesker, who rudely snatched it up and pulled out the photos inside the bag. They appeared to be of a helicopter; one of Graham's. The pictures revealed the occupants inside to be Leon, Blade, and what looked like a steroid-abusing Chris Redfield.

Wesker was quiet for a moment before asking, "When were these taken?"

"A few minutes ago. They're on their way here. What should we do, comrade?" He was soundly slapped right after the question by Wesker.

"Isn't it obvious? We…" Wesker smirked. "We provide our guests with only the finest hospitality." On the inside, he was shitting himself. Not only had the other agents somehow managed to locate Umbrella's base, but also they had Chris and Chris looked to outweigh him from mere muscle mass alone. He looked like he could break Wesker in half between his fingers like a toothpick. That was not a good thing. If worse came to worst, he would hide behind Sergei and let him take care of Redfield.

Krauser, who couldn't see the photos from where he stood, asked very seriously, "Should I go get the wine and little cheese cubes?"

With a growl, Wesker motioned with his finger for the commando to come over and when he did, he slapped the man hard enough to send him sprawling on the floor.

Just then, little Nathan waddled in, his secretary glasses sitting on the bridge of his beak. "Hi," he said before giving a kiss.

"Nathan!" Krauser cried, sitting up with a grin.

"AARON," Wesker corrected him, hissing. He turned to Aaron. "What is it?"

Aaron proceeded to go on a tangent that sounded like baby talk consisting of a lot of M sounds. When he was done, all three humans looked puzzled, but Wesker also seemed quite pleased.

"A woman was caught infiltrating the building?" he asked. He stood up, draping an extremely small towel around his waist. "Probably Ada. I have to go see this."

There was a loud creaking noise, one that those present in the room could not figure out at first. Sergei and Krauser were quick to recognize this noise and, scooping up Aaron, darted out of the room. Wesker was standing there for a few more seconds, completely baffled, and it wasn't until it was too late that he realized the noise was caused by the room breaking off from the building and was going to fall. Everything began sliding over to one end of the room and Wesker sat back in the bathtub, gripping the rim until his knuckles were white.

"Oh, no no no no-" And then the room fell away with an audible crack. "NO!"

Krauser, Aaron, and Sergei stood there where the door and part of the wall had once been, staring down at the falling bathroom until it crashed and long seconds later, a broken voice echoed up, "I'm okay…"

* * *

On the helicopter, Leon and Blade sat on the bench seat opposite of Chris, Leon because the sheer size of the man made him openly weep out of fear and Blade simply because he felt like sitting there. Up in the front sat Jaws and the pilot, who happened to be Luke Maxwell. He'd give a terrified glance at the Colmillo every now and then, especially when the infected wolf would stare at him.

Their mission, according to the President, was simple. "Go get me some freaking chicken!" he'd slurred before passing out from his drunken stupor. Translated into the language of the sober, he meant to bring an end to Umbrella and bring the three traitors home. The only problem had been that neither Leon or Blade, nor any of the other agents, knew where the base was located. By chance, they had run into Luke, who knew exactly where this place was merely because he'd gone there with his father on some sort of business trip involving drink umbrellas. He promised them he would personally fly them over to the base under the premise that he could tag along afterwards and they would see to his safety, to which Leon had replied with, "Yeah, whatever."

Why Chris was even there was a rather interesting story. Shortly before Luke arrived to pick up the two agents, Leon was talking to Claire on the phone and he happened to mention the mission and what all it entailed. Chris, having been standing next to Claire, overheard everything and just a few seconds later, the front door of the White House was busted down and in came Chris, thirsting for Wesker's blood. This, of course, caused Leon to shriek like a girl because he thought Chris came over to kill him for talking to his sister and thought Leon was 'raping' her just like Graham would whenever he'd so much as look at Ashley. Blade, on the other hand, was extremely confused by the logic of Chris being with his sister, who was miles away from there, and appear at the White House within mere seconds.

As for Jaws...Well, he had simply snuck into the helicopter and nearly gave Luke a heart attack when he looked to his side before taking off and saw the Joker of canines there.

Leon had been done weeping for a while, focusing now on the mission and how he would have to face Krauser once again as an enemy. Krauser, his best friend, the man whom he goofed off with on the job and had playful fights with which involved beating the crap out of each other with hard French bread. And now…Krauser was probably going to jail after all this was through. Maybe…maybe Leon might even end up killing Krauser. The thought of that made Leon's girlish weeping start again and Chris was tempted to slap him, but he was afraid the simple action would snap his neck and kill him, so he held back.

"How much longer until we get there?" Blade asked Luke.

"Not much farther, mate!" he replied, and glad for that simply because he didn't like Jaws sitting so close to him.

"Wesker…" Chris growled, clenching his fists. He had a score to settle with the man, one he'd been needing to settle for years. He was going to make that man pay for what he did. He'd been preparing for this encounter for years; training, getting stronger. This was it. He was going to show Wesker what's what once and for all.

* * *

After Wesker was pulled from the wreckage of his bathroom, miraculously unharmed, and a back up bathroom was reattached with surprising quickness, Wesker went down with Krauser, Sergei, and Aaron to one of the laboratories to see just whom it was who had infiltrated the building. The minute Wesker's concealed eyes landed on the woman, he looked quite surprised.

"Are you kidding me?" He asked no one specifically. "Jill? Jill Valentine? What the hell is she doing here?"

Jill, currently unconscious, sat strapped to a mechanical chair, adorning some sort of black and purple cat suit.

"You're bad!" Aaron squealed at her.

Krauser questioned, "What should we do with her?"

Wesker was considering letting her go because he really didn't see her as much of a threat before an idea popped into his head. There was a device, a mind control device, that one of the researchers had invented and it still needed a test subject. This was the perfect opportunity to try it out. Picking up said-device, Wesker ordered, "Someone get the duct tape!"

Before long, the woman was released from her restraints and the device was attached to her chest. Wesker was pleased, and not just because he had groped Jill while she was unconscious. He felt this was going to turn out well.

"I'll wake her up," the Russian said before slapping Jill hard enough to knock her out of her seat. She laid there for a moment before grunting and rising to her feet wordlessly.

Wesker nodded. "Good job, Sergei," he said and then turned to Jill. He tapped a finger on his chin, humming as he thought of a first command. "Hmm…Punch yourself in the face."

Much to both Wesker and Sergei's surprise, not only did Jill actually perform the action, but Krauser punched himself in the face as well.

"Not you!" Wesker snapped at him. "My God…" With a shake of his head, the older blond stated he would be off doing some things and told Sergei, Krauser, and Aaron to have whatever fun they wished with the brunette, to which the commando and the Russian cackled evilly while Aaron laughed childishly.

* * *

"Wesker!" Chris screamed as he leaned dangerously far out of the helicopter. He cleared his throat, then shouted, "WESKER!" even louder. "WesKER! WEEEESKEEEEEER!"

"Shut the hell up!" Leon snarled as he and Blade covered their ears and Jaws whined from the front.

"What on earth are you doing?" Blade asked, the irritation evident in his tone.

"I'm practicing my dramatic cry for when I see Wesker," Chris explained casually. Inhaling deeply, he started his shouting again. "LEOOOOOOON! BLAAAAAADE! AUSTRAILIAAAAAAN GUUUUUUUUUUUY! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!"

Leon growled, one of his eyelids twitching. "NOW what are you doing!"

"I'm practicing in case one of you dies."

"It sounds like you're having sex with everyone! Stop it!" But Leon thought about it for a second. That was funny as hell, so he started banging on the walls of the helicopter with his fists to simulate a headboard beating against a wall and started tossing out names himself. "CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS! BLAAAAAAAADE! LUUUUUUUUUKE! LEOOOOO- Oh, wait, that's my name." Leon snickered quietly. "I'm having sex with myself."

The helicopter was within sight of the building and due to how loud the two brunettes were screaming, a few people inside could easily hear them. Unfortunately for them, one such individual was Wesker and he immediately headed to his bathroom with a rocket launcher to shoot the aerial transport down.

"You think you're going to get in here, Chris?" Wesker chuckled darkly. "Well, you're WRONG. You're as wrong as the construction workers were when they said this bathroom would fall a second time."

Unbeknownst to the sunglasses-wearer, the cement binding the newly-installed bathroom was beginning to crack noiselessly. He was far too busy locking the rocket launcher on the helicopter to notice it, specifically aiming for Chris' pelvis. What better way to blow someone up than by aiming at their crotch?

Just as the trigger was pulled, there was an audible snap and the bathroom went sailing to the ground once again, bringing a screaming Wesker with it. The timing of the room collapsing was just right; it caused Wesker's aim to be jerked out of line and the rocket instead shot straight up into the air, exploding in a bright display of white.

"Oh, my God! Fireworks!" Leon cried and stood with Chris to watch them in awe.

The flash from the rocket going off was so bright that it momentarily blinded Luke and he shouted, covering his eyes with his hands. Without control from the pilot, the helicopter ended up crashing right into the Umbrella building. The good news was that none were hurt and the even better news was that they had crashed into Krauser's office, where Aaron was.

"You're bad!" the parrot squealed at the helicopter.

The men and canine pulled themselves free of the wreckage, shaken but otherwise well. When they were in view, the little bird began greeting them with a repeated, "Hi," and numerous kisses.

"Crickey! Ain't he a cute little fella?" Luke cooed and scratched Aaron's head. "What's your name? You want a cracker?"

"Baaah," Aaron bleated.

"…What?"

Chris slapped the back of Luke's head. "We have to get going!" he shouted. "HURRY. Wesker might have left!"

"Come here!" Aaron commanded before he flew to the floor and started waddling into the hall. "Come!"

After a moment's contemplation, Blade headed to the door to follow the grey parrot. "Let's follow the parrot. Maybe he'll lead us somewhere useful."

* * *

Wesker nodded after his bathroom was once again reattached to where it was previously, pleased that it had only taken five minutes to do after it fell again. The speediness of the process should have been an indicator that it was faulty, but he gave not a shit. He was a god, or was going to be really soon, and gods didn't give a shit about anything except ruling over people and being depicted in paintings on ceilings touching fingers with naked people.

"Now to get down to business…" he murmured as he headed to one of the labs. Without this next vital part in his plan, there was no way he could even be considered fit to rule any sort of world; Uroboros. Not only that, but with the new inhuman powers that would be bestowed upon him, he would not have to worry at all about Chris kicking his ass into a pulp.

"Uroboros…" he said with a delightful shudder, fondling the syringe in his hand. Swiftly, he stuck the needle in his arm and injected the substance into himself, smirking as his ego soared with thoughts of power and nude paintings.

The door to the lab was loudly kicked open, taking Wesker by surprise and out of reflex, he threw the used syringe at whomever it was.

"Ouch!" Sergei hissed as the needle stabbed him in the shoulder.

"Sergei! Don't startle me like that."

"You better not have AIDS…" he muttered as he pulled the needle free of his flesh and tossed it in the biohazard bin. "I came to tell you that they're in the building."

"Good! I can test my Uroboros on them…"

"Uroboros? You mean that stuff that makes you jazz in your pants every time you say the name?"

Wesker frowned at him. "You're just jealous because you want Uroboros and you cannot have it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my pants…After that's done, get Jill and we can go greet our guests."

Yet another problem Wesker was encountering; jizzing his pants at the thought of Uroboros. That in itself was problematic and strange enough, but an even bigger stunning revelation was the slowly surfacing suspicion that Wesker had some sort of oddball fetish for globes and saturating them. Sergei and Krauser hoped that globes was some sort of metaphor for some sort of body part, but they were becoming more and more doubtful of that.

As Wesker hurried past Sergei to exit the lab, the Russian was thinking that perhaps some therapy was necessary for the blond.

* * *

"Come!" Aaron said for what had to be the millionth time in ten minutes, acting like he was impatient despite the fact that everyone was struggling not to out-walk him.

"We're COMING…" Leon grumbled. Where ever this African Grey was leading them, it had better be important or he'd barbeque the parrot later.

"Stop!"

At the bird's request, the men and wolf came to a halt inside of a massive room that seemed like a construction of machinery. All the way at the end of the room, there sat what looked like the start of a maze.

"Wesker's here," Chris said with haste, taking his equipped gun and cocking it. "I can feel it." He then cocked the other seven firearms on his person.

Leon threw him a skeptical look. "How can you 'feel' it?"

"Trust me on this, Leon!"

Within a few moments, the double doors on one side of the room opened and in walked the trio of Sergei and Wesker with a third person in a cloak, presumably a woman from the height and the heeled shoes the figure wore.

"Oh, my God, the steroid dude was right!" Luke gasped.

Wesker sneered at the group, focusing on Chris. "Chris…"

Chris returned the look. "Wesker…"

Blade also shot the man a look of disdain. How tempted he was to just shoot the other male in sunglasses after such a betrayal, but he managed to sustain his self-control. An act of self-vengeance could wait until later.

"Wesker, you asshole! You're gonna be in SO much trouble with the Prez when we take you back to the White House! You, too, Sergei!" Leon shouted, shaking a fist at them. "And who the hell is that guy? Is it Krauser?"

"No, it's-" Sergei started, but was stopped when Wesker slapped him in the face and knocked him to the floor.

"_I_ get to say it!" he snapped before clearing his throat and calming himself. "No, Leon, this isn't Krauser. This is…" he reached behind the cloaked woman and lowered her hood, revealing the face of Jill Valentine, but with blond hair tied back, the length of it a few inches longer than her trademark haircut. Wesker was, to say the least, stunned. If he had remembered correctly, Jill had short brown hair when he'd left her with Krauser, Sergei, and Aaron. "What the hell?"

Chris was just as shocked. "Ji…Jill?"

Wesker turned to the tall Russian. "Sergei, what the hell did you do to her?"

Looking absolutely deviant, Sergei started. "Well…"

_

* * *

_

Flashback…

_"I've got it!" Krauser suggested enthusiastically. "You! Bitch!" He pointed at Jill. "Go dunk your head in those chemicals!" He then pointed to the sink full of a clear liquid that definitely was not water._

_Of course, due to the mind control device, Jill went to the sink with no hesitation and dunked her head in. When she pulled it back out and stood upright again, all seemed well for a few seconds…and then all at once, her hair fell out._

_The men and the bird appeared shocked at this and quickly they tried to think of a solution. Sergei thought that cloak he'd seen in one of the other rooms would do well and thus he darted out to get it. However, when he returned, Jill had hair once again; a pale blond that went down past her shoulders in a low ponytail._

_"I got a wig," Krauser said with a proud beam._

_"Good boy!" Aaron chirped._

_"A wig? My God, Krauser, it looks so…realistic." Sergei stepped closer to Jill to inspect her hair and when he went to tug at the tail, the wig did not budge. "Krauser?"_

_"Yes?" the commando answered._

_"Why is this wig not coming off?"_

_"Because…"_

_"Krauser, did you glue this to her head?"_

_Krauser bit his lip like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "Not glued." He held up a small tube for Sergei to see. The label clearly said it was an industrial-strength brand of super glue. "SUPER glued."_

_"…While I admire your quick thinking and while it does look like real hair, I still have to tell you that you are a dumbass."_

_"But-!"_

_"This is NEVER going to come off of her head. Do you realize that? This brand does not make a solvent to unbind the glue."_

_"…Well, she's gonna save money on haircuts in the future."_

_End of Flashback…_

* * *

Wesker was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "Krauser super glued a wig to her head?"

Sergei nodded. "Yes, comrade, he super glued a wig to her head. And it's never going to come off."

"Sergei?"

"Yes?"

"That is the funniest thing I have ever heard."

"You bastards!" Chris snapped, training his gun on Wesker. "Jill is NOT supposed to be blonde and her hair is NOT supposed to be that long! You're just…You're just a bunch of sick bastards!"

Wesker chuckled. "Well, if you're so upset about it…" And then, in an uncharacteristically flamboyant singsong, he said, "You'll have to catch me!" as he darted into the maze. Sergei stood there for a few seconds, wondering what he should do before he followed Wesker into the maze, thinking it would be safer there than out in the open. As he ran, he ordered for Jill to attack them.

Using moves the men had only seen in The Matrix, Jill came towards them. Leon and Luke screamed girlishly in intimidation and sprinted into the maze for safety. Needless to say, Chris and Blade took off after them for the same reason and Jaws tailed them only because he felt lonely.

* * *

Huzzah! Finally, I have updated! This chapter feels rather bland to me, but I guess that's to do with the fact that I haven't worked on M:AI in well over a year, I started and finished it in one whole afternoon, and I'm just sort of tired with this storyline. That's why this chapter is the start of the end. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is the end of the fanfic, but I mean this little saga is going to end because there's really not much humor in it, so yeah.

I wanted to do sort of a parody of RE5, but I didn't want to do a whole fanfic about it, so I incorporated some of RE5's storyline in this chapter and I will in the next few.

Also, the line where Leon is weeping in fear is a direct reference to Hetalia when Italy is singing a song he made for Germany. I freaking LOVE that song so much, especially since I'm part German, lol.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this and if not, well…hopefully the next chapter will be a lot better!


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